Title: Powerless
Characters: Richard Castle, Kate Beckett
Genre: Romance, Tragedy
Rating: K+

Powerless

"And you held it all but you were careless to let it fall
You held it all and I was by your side, powerless"

Powerless, Linkin Park

That was one of the most tormented day of my life.
Of course, funerals are never beautiful. The only one I ever attended was my uncle's - who was to me like the father I never had - but I was too small and I couldn't understand the situation. I remember my mother crying for her brother, her face hidden by the black hat with a wide brim, and she occasionally pulled a white linen handkerchief out of the sleeve to wipe her tears. I remember her young hand that gripped mine, while I was observing the light that the sun threw on her wedding ring and made it shine.
Every now and then I asked her where Uncle George was.
I didn't realize he wouldn't have returned.
My only experience with funerals therefore couldn't serve as a comparison with the moment I was living. Nevertheless, I managed to understand that Captain Montgomery's funeral was heartbreaking.
It wasn't like in the movies, where the sad moments are accompanied by a leaden sky and pouring rain. The weather was sunny, despite everything. It seemed that the universe was mocking our broken hearts.
Many rows of white and square headstones surrounded the crowd of people dressed in black and closed around the deep rectangular hole. We were all waiting for the moment to arrive.
In the distance, we saw some agents riding motorcycles who were approaching. Behind them, the black hearse followed at slow pace. The procession stopped along the gravel path to a few tens of meters away.
The solemnity of the event did nothing but increase my anxiety. Death was bad, sure, but when a cop died it was even worse. The stars and stripes flags scattered around the cemetery continued to remind me fate was unjust, honest people saw their loved ones taken away from them.
A low drummer accompanied the moment as a sad lament. Esposito glanced in my direction. I took Alexis' hand and she gave me a sad look, then let her hand go and stepped toward him. We approached the car, followed by Ryan and other police officers.
You were there in the middle. I reached out my arm, you were so close to me. I could feel your pain as if it were tangible. I wanted to lay my hand on your shoulder to comfort you, but then I withdrew it, without knowing why. "Kate," I tried to call you, but the word was stuck in my throat.
The door of the hearse opened, showing the coffin covered by the American flag, which was lifted and dragged out. I firmly grabbed the cold brass handle, and when we were all ready, we began our procession.
We passed by other uniformed officers, who paid homage to the Captain standing at attention. I felt a bit out of place, among all those cops in uniform.
I glanced towards you: the visor of the hat covered your eyes while you stared in front of you. I couldn't see your eyes in any ways.
The sobs of Montgomery's wife, accompanied by the low roll of drums, was the only sound that tore the silence of the cemetery.
Our procession stopped when we reached the rectangular hole. We laid the coffin beside it. I looked at the wrapped flag, then went next to Alexis.
You were already up on the platform of the lectern with a piece of paper in your hand. You opened it and put on the support. Your voice could stand above the cries of Montgomery's family.
In your speech you said that Montgomery had taught you to be a police officer and only then I really realized what the man had meant to you. You said that we are all bound by our choices and we are worth more than our mistakes, that there are no victories, only battles, and that in the end the best you can hope for is to find a place to stand and to find a person willing to stand with you.
At those words, your gaze turned towards me and my empty heart filled with emotions. It was too much to hope that you were talking about me? I continued to stare until your eyes returned on the lectern.
A light caught my eye toward a distant point. It came from behind one of the hundreds of white headstones and at the beginning I thought it was just me, but then the glow reappeared: it was as if the light of the sun reflected against something, like a mirror...
It was too late when I realized what it was.
A bump drowned all the other sounds and I turned towards you.
"Kate!" I cried, darting towards you.
When the bullet hit you in the chest, you blended forward, without making any sound. The chaos raged around us, but I didn't care.
I was focused on you.
I threw myself on you, even though it was too late. We fell both on the grass; your body was helpless: it was like jumping against a rag doll. I got up on my arms and looked at you: your eyes were lost in the nothingness, your body was motionless. Your white gloves were soaking in the crimson of your blood. A red stain shone in the center of your chest.
Oh, Kate... You were shot, now what? How much blood were you losing? Would you be able to survive?
They say that when you die all your life appear in front of, but in that moment that happened to me. I saw all the moments I spent with you, when we first met and you had that short haircut that I couldn't bear, when I surprised you in the bathroom while reading my book, and all those times we mocked each other.
Will we have more moments like that?
No, no, no, Kate ...
How many times I promised myself that sooner or later I would have faced the truth and admitted my feelings in front of you? Ten thousand times or more?
Now I was losing the opportunity ten thousand times.
Kate, please.
What would have happened if you'd gone? I would have been sick every hour of every day for months and months? My mother and Alexis would have filled me with empty words, such as "she's dead, you have to get over it"?
I would have never been able to fill the hole in my heart.
Stay here with me, Kate.
The worst thing was that if you had died, I couldn't have told you how important you were to me, how much you had changed my life. I was changed, and all thanks to you.
Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay?
What could I do? You were lying on the grass, still, and I felt utterly useless.
Kate...
That was my last chance.
"I love you," I whispered, so softly that I thought you didn't hear me.
"I love you, Kate," I repeated, louder.
Your held my hand for a second and your eyes seemed to tell me that you understood my words.
Then you let go, you closed your eyes and let your head fall carelessly on the grass.
And I was there, by your side.
Powerless.