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"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. That surrender, even the smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I ask myself, which would I rather live with?"
― Lance Armstrong, It's Not about the Bike: My Journey Back to Life
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I stared at Mt. Ebott with wide eyes. The legends and tales surrounding the mountain fascinated me just like everything else in this universe did. I've never heard of Mt. Ebott in the Before but I suppose it might have existed. Many of the same things that exist here had also existed in the Before. In fact, I could recall mentions of it along with conversations about the popular videogame Undertale, which was probably based off of the legends of Mt. Ebott.
I don't remember much about Undertale. I only remember the bare basics of the game. All of the information I gathered about the game was by second hand. Most of it was fragment information anyways. I do remember, however, that the playable character's name was Frisk. At that time, I was amused at the fact that someone would actually name the character Frisk. Now, I'm not so amused.
I suppose its karmic redistribution that I'm now named Frisk. It's a nice enough name. Gender neutral enough for me to adjust to it, which is a plus. Though it still bothered me on an instinctive level to be called Frisk. After all, it wasn't the name I had Before. Being called Frisk was a slap in the face from the world. It reminded me that the person who I was once was dead and that everything from the Before will never be mine again. In the end, I will always be Frisk and just Frisk.
Unless I die again and get reborn. I frowned at the thought of having to re-live my life over again. The thought of going through another one made me feel sick. I could still remember the early moments of my current life. When I first awoke after my death I became depressed. My family, my friends, and my life from the Before was . . . gone. Everything that I had was just . . . gone.
I wasn't mentally stable when I was born. I wanted to die the first few years of my life. The knowledge that Mother died giving birth to me didn't help as well. I dealt with severe guilt through the years. It was only the thought of Father dying from alcohol poisoning that kept me from taking my life. It didn't matter in the end though. Father died a few years later in a car accident. He was driving his car while drunk, somehow managing to drive it right off a cliff.
I always knew he had problems with alcohol. He often used it as a crutch to be a functioning adult since Mother died. With her death he became distant and often tried to drown his sorrows. He never drove while drunk, but I suppose that by the time of the accident he just didn't care about his safety anymore. My father's death worsened my depression, thoughts of suicide became more frequent afterwards.
After the accident, Grandpa came home to take care of me. He was a traveler, taking me with him on his journeys all around the world. Grandpa would have stayed at home to take care of me if it wasn't for the fact that staying in one place made him uneasy. He was too much of a free spirit to have been chained in one spot.
It was Grandpa who helped me on the road to mental wellness. He once told me, "Buddy, it isn't your fault that your parents passed away. Sometimes life's just hard on people. It beats 'em to the ground, shreds their hope 'n compassion, and tries to take all the love in their little, itty-bitty bodies just 'cause it can. But, let me tell you, you shouldn't just take all of that lying down. Your Mother was a fighter and you're a fighter too! So Frisk, stay DETERMINED. 'Cause that's all you can do in a world like this."
Ever since then, I tried to live my life. I couldn't bear to disappoint Grandpa by wasting away. I still treasure that memory close to my heart. And, whenever I felt that the world was too much for me, I remembered the words he told me. A rough cough interrupted my reminiscing. I turned to face the person and a smile automatically formed on my face. His weathered old hand ruffled my hair softly while his eyes twinkled in good humor.
"Hey, buddy. What's wrong? You're not thinking about my hospitalization again, are you? I told you before that this was just a one-time thing. I'm still strong enough to carry an ox. See!?" Grandpa flexed his arms in exaggeration. I giggled a little at how silly he looked.
A cough interrupted my giggles. I focused on Grandpa and the sight I was met with made me rush out of my seat and to his side. Grandpa was bent down, blood dripped down his chin with every cough he hacked out.
"Grandpa! Please, sit down." I gently moved him to lay back down, berating myself inwardly for being distracted enough to forget exactly why we were near Mt. Ebott currently.
Grandpa was born in a small village near Mt. Ebott and thought it would be a nice idea for me to visit his childhood village. It was supposed to be a bonding experience. However, when we got to the village, Grandpa collapsed. He ended up catching a sickness from one of the villagers and had to be entered into the medical clinic. Grandpa wasn't as young as he used to be, and when he caught the sickness, he fell hard. He was confined to bed rest for three weeks, but was too stubborn to stay in bed.
"Grandpa, I really wish that you would stay in bed. The doctors said that bed rest is needed to help you recover." I fussed over him. Grandpa huffed in exasperation.
"I don't need to be in bed anymore. I'm perfectly fine." I rose an eyebrow at him. "Aw, buddy, c'mon. Don't give me that look. No ten year-old should look like that!" Grandpa whined.
I pinched my nose in frustration. "Grandpa, please. Just rest for a little while. I worry about you sometimes." Grandpa sighed.
"Fine, I'll sleep. It's time for a nap anyways." He replied theatrically. I smiled at his silliness.
After making sure that he was truly sleeping, I stepped out of his room and left the clinic. I wanted to take a walk to organize my thoughts.
I was worried. Every day since his collapse, Grandpa has grown weaker and weaker. He's been coughing out blood and sleeping more and more. Most of the medicine that the doctors prescribe him never helped. I'm scared that one day, when I come visit him, the doctors will declare him dead. I don't think I could handle losing him.
While lost in my thoughts, I ended up stopping nearby a post sign that read, 'Mt. Ebott Hiking Trail'. I stared at the mountain and felt curious. I remember Grandpa once told me that his great-great-great-grandmother's sibling once climbed the mountain and disappeared. It was said that they came back from the mountain after a few years, dead, and in the arms of a hideous beast.
I wanted to explore the mountain to see if the legends of monsters living underground were true. It sounded like a fun adventure. However, the thought of leaving Grandpa made me hesitate. I didn't want to make him worry about me. But, on the other hand, Grandpa would be happy if I did something fun. It was only when I glanced at the mountain once more that my indecision faded away.
I was DETERMINED to explore the mountain.
I regret my decision. So far, all I've come across in the mountains was the sight of animals running away from me. I contemplated many times just turning back. But, when I tried to turn back, the annoying itch in my brain made me keep going. By now, it was more likely that stubborn pride was the only thing pushing me forward.
While I was dragging my feet on the hiking trail, something interesting caught my eye. It was some sort of mirage that glimmered multiple colors, almost like a rainbow. However, when I tried to look closer, the mirage disappeared. I would've dismissed the odd occurrence, if not for spotting it again, but farther from where it originally was. I decided to investigate the unusual phenomenon.
It didn't occur to me until later, when I stepped near the entrance of a rather shallow cavern, that I had left the hiking trail entirely. And that I was probably lost. But catching a glimpse of the familiar rainbow glimmer in the cavern made all those thoughts leave my mind. I chased after the glimmer deep into the cavern. The need to know burned in me brightly. For a second, I felt as if my entire being was being electrified. It was as if my very soul was pounding in anticipation.
Soon, I turned a corner, and the sight that I was met with left me breathless. In the middle of the cavern, laid what I could only describe as a liquid pond of color. It flashed brightly against the dark walls, all shades of blue, red, green, yellow, orange, indigo, and cyan glowed like sparkles. It was as if the soul of a rainbow was being made in there. I was hypnotized by what I was seeing and moved closer to verify if this was an illusion or not.
However, I soon tripped on a hidden crevice on the floor and fell into the pond. But, instead of drowning, I just kept on falling and falling . . .
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And falling . . .
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[Player Two Ready!]
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( * )
Have you ever thought about a world where everything is the same . . . except you don't exist? Everything functions perfectly without you. Ha, ha . . . the thought terrifies me. [ . . . ] Please forget about me.
— "Goner Kid"
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