Disclaimer: Belongs in part to J.K. Rowling and in part to neutral.
Author's Note: This story is set the night before neutral's 'Clawtracks of a Star' and is written with her permission. Previously posted on my livejournal (see profile). Thanks to neutral (I am forever in your debt) and to elspethdixon, who helped me pick a title, because I'm terrible at that.
'…Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here,
All that's left of yesterday.'
--'Hello,' by Evanescence
It was about work, now. When he was working, he couldn't get lost in the past. It was about the present, and the future.
When he was working, he couldn't think about what might have been.
If…
…If only…
…Only if…
If only he wouldn't dream, he would be fine.
…
In his dreams, he was back, back there, with them...
...And in his dreams, they were not alone. In his dreams, there was Remus, seemingly unhurt, sleeping, but cold...
...too cold. And there was Peter, his throat cut, his eyes staring at an attacker that was no longer there...
...Sirius...no, Black, just Black, damn him...it must have been him...
...No one else it could have been...
...And in his dreams, there he stood, between them.
Face to face.
And he fell.
And he woke.
He always woke up.
Always there.
Always there.
…
He would not be nearly so intrigued if he didn't wake up.
But for it just to end with him falling like that…
…He felt cheated.
…What now?
He asked himself that, over and over again. He had, for the past eight years.
For that was the only question for which he had no answer.
…What now?...
…When that for which you live is gone, what then remains?
—Beginning of CoS—