Alexander Lightwood sat on the floor of his room, staring at the blood pouring from the gash in his arm. Out of everything that had happened these past months this felt right, the

relief was almost overwhelming as it overtook the pain burning its way through his heart. He wasn`t really surprised that it came to this, this was the only way he could deal with the

pain, the overwhelming guilt tearing him apart, but he wasn`t sure what pushed him over the edge max or it… oh max, his innocent baby brother gone forever and it should have

been him, it should have been him cold and bloody in his mother's arms. Alec knew that Isabelle blamed herself, that Jace blamed himself but they weren`t the eldest, they weren`t

the one supposed to make sure their younger siblings were safe and to protect them and he failed, failed so bad that his brother was never coming back that he was gone forever…

With that thought in mind Alec resolutely picked up the razor and made several deep cuts on his forearm, sighing at the blissful feeling of his release. Alec wouldn`t, no couldn`t

think about it, Alec was doing everything in his power to not think about it, afraid the pain would make Alec finish himself off, but sometimes his treacherous mind would wander off…

"Auk cinta kamu"

"What does that mean?"

"I love you. Not that it changes anything."

A whimper escapes Alecs` lips as it flowed through his mind and he sliced deeper lines on the opposite arm. He was feeling lightheaded know, and knew that he was losing too

much blood and he would collapse soon if he didn`t clear his arm up soon. He lugged himself up and dragged his body to the bathroom, where he reluctantly cleared all the blood

up, put on fresh bandages and tugged his sleeves down. Alec flinched when he caught a glimpse of his refection in his mirror; he had deep purple bruises under his eyes no

doubt from all the sleepless nights he`d had since it and his messy black hair he`d kept a good length for Magnus was now unruly and his already pale skin had turned a sickly

white, his cheeks hollow and his clothes were hanging off body, his bones sticking out of his skin. He looked dead, almost like he felt. Alec guessed that it had really taken its toll

on him, but he already knew that.

The pain in his chest pulsed; he panicked, he needed to do something to get his mind of the pain. Alec quickly opened the bathroom door, searching for something; anything to get

his mind of it and spotted his hunting gear thrown uncharitably in the corner of his room. He quickly picked it up and threw it on thinking a hunt should be able to get his mind off it

off him. Once he was suited up, he grabbed his bow and a shadow hunter blade and hurriedly threw open his door open, rushed out anxious to get his mind off the pain.