This is the result of a KHR plot bunny in which everyone except for Tsuna (and a few others) is born as the opposite gender. It somehow devolved into this weird little fic that I had fun writing.
I was thinking about how, from an outsider's perspective, Tsuna's sudden bond with a bunch of attractive guys could easily be misinterpreted. In fact, there are already a bunch of fics that touch on this point to great, humorous effect. There's also quite a bit of Fem!27All, but almost nothing with other variations.
For example, Gokudera the guy proclaiming his undying loyalty and devotion to a boy he met only hours ago has a lot of HoYay. Male Gokudera doing the same thing to a female Tsuna is even more suggestive. But how about a female Gokudera who devotes herself slavishly to a male Tsuna? It's even more awkward and prone to misunderstandings.
So yeah, that's the train of thought that spawned this fic.
Sometime in the future
"So you're telling me that all these women (and men) actually live with you voluntarily?" the officer questioned with skepticism.
"Yes," Tsuna groaned miserably. The handcuffs were painfully tight around his wrists and his ass hurt from the cold metal chair. His thin satin pajama pants did nothing to protect him against the cool air.
It had been six hours of increasing misery. Tsuna wasn't sure if the charges against him were genuine, or if the police had simply come up with more creative ways of attempting to bring down the Vongola Famiglia.
Three hours into his arrest, a commotion outside the police building at attracted the attention of most of the officers.
They were all busy trying and failing to fend off various Famiglia members in varying states of anger while Tsuna attempted to ignore the unfortunately familiar sounds of violence.
Likely the only reason Tsuna was now in his sixth hour of his involuntary stay in a jail cell was because no one wanted to use lethal force against the police.
Instead, his guardians were probably leading the charge of venting their anger on unfortunate bystanders as they slowly forced their way inside.
Tsuna winced at a particularly loud explosion and a distinct "VOOOOOOIII!" and "Kufufufufu" filled the air.
All the paperwork! Tsuna sobbed internally. All the money I'll have to donate, all the bills I'll have to sign off!
"They molest you in your sleep and scare away any one who seems interested in you?" the officer read from the printed statement.
"Unfortunately, yes."
BOOM.
"Get the fuck out of my way, trash," a woman with red eyes snarled, shooting at anyone unlucky enough to cross her path.
"Ushishishi, the Princess will defeat these peasants and rescue her prince," said a blonde girl wearing a sparkly tiara and an elegant ball gown.
"It is EXTREMELY uncool of you to arrest our Boss!" a girl with pink boxing gloves proclaimed, punching the various officers who attempted to grab her.
"Haha, I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding. Right, guys?" said a tall, dark haired woman with a friendly smile, hard eyes, and a very long katana that cut and sliced without mercy.
"How dare you get in the way of our love!" screamed a man with pink hair and goggles. "Poison cooking II!"
Screams of pain and terror filled the air.
The officer in front of Tsuna paled and whimpered in fear when one of the walls of the cell Tsuna occupied crumbled.
As the dust and debris settled down, the poor man could make out at least ten very attractive figures armed with various weapons, ranging from swords to what seemed to be custom made guns to sticks of dynamite.
And-wait, was that a robot?! Two girls were perched on top of the metal monstrosity, one with glasses who was clutching her stomach, and another with a lollypop in her mouth and her hands fiddling with a machine.
"Juudaime, we've come to rescue you!" yelled a silver haired female, a lit cigarette in one hand and sticks of explosives in the other.
"Hey everyone," Tsuna smiled weakly at his crazy, overprotective Famiglia.
"Dame-Tsuna," one particularly attractive Italian woman wearing a slinky yellow dress purred. "Tell me exactly what you did to get yourself arrested."
"Er, I'd rather not – Reborn! Put the police officer down! He's just doing his job!"
Tsuna winced in sympathy when she tossed her victim to Squalo, who caught him by his shirt collar with the tip of her sword. She sneered in his face before she dropkicked him across three cement walls with her five inch heels.
"Um, it says that Bossu was arrested under the suspicion of running an illegal brothel," one of the few males in the group said. Chrom eeped as the clipboard was snatched out of his hands by a rather furious Leo Mirch and a seething Colonnella.
"Let me see, kora – hey, no fair, Leo!"
"Suspect is observed to keep company with various females and the occasional male – blah, blah – Suspect wears very expensive clothing but doesn't seem to have a regular job – suspect seen collecting money from possible sex workers…" Leo muttered out loud, as he flipped through the police report.
"What. Explain this, herbivore, before I bite you to death." Hibari brandished a bloody tonfa at her restrained boss.
It was a sentiment echoed by the majority of the group.
Tsuna laughed nervously at the sudden, tense silence. "It's not what you think!" he said to the descending horde.
"I entreat thee to explain thy situation, Tsuna-dono," Basilia said, her blue eyes tearing up.
"I'm so hurt. Master is cheating on us with his second harem. Please hug me, pineapple-sempai," Francesca said in her usual monotone.
"Perhaps we should all stop talking and allow Tsuna the chance to defend himself," Fon interrupted with poorly concealed irritation, her Storm Flames lashing out to prevent Mukuro from retaliating with her illusions.
"Yeah, shut up you idiots!" Stella added, voice muffled by her helmet.
"You shut up, lackey."
"Guys," Tsuna said.
"I'm adding 10% interest to your debt," Viper said. "Do you have any idea how unprofitable brothels are?
"Guys," Tsuna tried again.
"That's not the point, you greedy bitch-"
"Aww, my cutie-chan is growing up so fast!" Lussuria sang.
"Guys!"
"Tsu-chan, this is the only universe I've visited in which you were arrested for prostitution," Byakuran snickered, her purple eyes glinting with dark amusement.
"Where the fuck did the marshmallow trash come from," Xandra demanded.
"You!" Levi yelled, brandishing her green umbrella threateningly. "Stop talking! You're upsetting Boss!"
"Why don't –"
"VOOOII –"
"Bastards –"
Typical that everything would descend into chaos only with Bya-chan's arrival, Tsuna thought. He took a deep breath, about to attempt once more to explain to his delusional Famiglia, that no, he did not have a second harem that he pimped out for extra cash because he didn't even have a first harem to begin with!
Unfortunately, he was interrupted yet again. This time, the interruption came in the form of a tiny hovercraft that shot out disintegrating laser rays remotely controlled by Vera, who had once again gotten distracted from her original purpose by the amount of data her experimental creation was giving her.
As the building further collapsed, Tsuna manfully held back the sob that wanted to come out.
He snapped.
"EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW!"
Everyone quickly shut up.
"Did it ever occur to anyone that I'm actually innocent?" Tsuna began. "Did any of you ever stop to think about what crime I've been charged with?
"Running a brothel? Seriously, there are not enough hours in the day for me to run the Famiglia or catch up on paperwork. I don't know where I'd even find the time to actually run a brothel, of all things.
"Besides, I'm never alone. There's always someone with them. It's virtually impossible for me to slip away to go sleep with a bunch of strangers!
"And, if you look through the police report completely, you'll find that the "anonymous source" who tipped off the police in my direction is none other than the Don of the Pauroso Famiglia. Remember him? Short, portly, incredibly sexist? I kicked him out of the mansion and blacklisted his Famiglia from the Vongola Allied Organization because he tried to punch Reborn for refusing to date him and because he called Xandra a bunch of insulting names because she kicked him in the family jewels for trespassing on Varia territory. It's pretty obvious that this is his pathetic attempt at revenge.
"Also, the flimsy evidence for the charges is a bunch of photographs of me spending time with members of the Famiglia! So really, I can honestly, truthfully say that it's your fault the Italian Police seem to be convinced that I'm the world's most effective pimp."
Tsuna looked around, satisfied that his rescuers were looking embarrassed or subdued. He stood up, flexing his sore wrists and turned to walk in the direction of the exit, confident that his so-called harem would follow.
Tsuna got no rest for the remainder of the week, too busy trying fending off the numerous displays of affection from his amorous Famiglia.
Tsuna woke up with the sunlight shining in his eyes. His bed was too comfortable for him to even think about getting up.
A soft body snuggled up against his, and Tsuna automatically wrapped an arm around a slim waist.
He froze. He reluctantly pried open an eye to confirm that yes, he was pressed against a naked body.
Or rather, many naked bodies. Tsuna's incredibly large bed, which Reborn had somehow moved into his room years ago, wasn't feeling so spacious today.
Every inch of his mattress was covered by attractive, bare flesh that he coincidentally remembered touching and marking last night.
Tsuna fainted from the shock from the memories of his persistent pursuers and his own flagging resistance. No one in his bed noticed.
The morning after what became forever known as the Night of Terror, the Chief of Police entered his utterly decimated building only to find something resting innocently upon piles of rubble.
To Whom It May Concern, the note began. My sincerest apologies for last night's misunderstandings. Enclosed is the appropriate sum of compensation for any damages incurred from the Famiglia's actions.
Thank you,
Vongola Decimo
The man opened the envelope to find a check made out to the Italian Police Force for a very large amount of money.
Wait a minute, the guy we arrested yesterday is the Vongola Decimo? Slim, soft and fluffy? Oh God, we accused the Boss of the strongest Mafia Famiglia of pimping out his subordinates! We're dead!
He slipped to the ground in a dead faint.
"Nufufufu, I'm going to have so much fun with you," Danna Spade's ghostly form said to the unconscious man. "Gianna gave me permission to go all out! As Adele said, that's what you deserve for falsely arresting our dear Tsunayoshi."
Notes: I'm pretty sure I left out quite a few characters that I meant to include.
I don't think there's any universe out there in which Lussuria isn't male, so I left out any gender specific pronouns. Hmm, what would Lussuria look like as a girl?
I wanted to add female Lambo and Fuuta, and male I-Pin, but I couldn't fit them in platonically without feeling skeevy.
Fem!Dino (Diana?) really wanted to tag along, but her subordinates were all hospitalized from accidentally eating male!Bianchi's (Biagio?) cooking. She broke a leg and gave herself a concussion from her own clumsiness.
Fem!Enma (Emma) attempted to join the rescue team, but male!Adel (Adalbert) knocked her out and shoved her in a closet. A police precinct full of unwashed thugs and petty criminals is no place for his timid, delicate Boss.