Wounds
Loneliness... It gnaws at me, eating away at my soul like a virus. It is a disease, one for which I see no cure.
How can I go back to what I was? When the only companion I had was the loneliness--that empty, aching, bitter loneliness. And must my life always be a cycle--happiness found, then happiness lost?
I didn't think I could ever feel more alone than I did after--after Hikou and Kouran... But now-- now it's only worse. Because in the others--Miaka, Tamahome, Hotohori, Nuriko, Tasuki, Mitsukake, Chiriko--I found solace. They never knew how much they meant to me. I never told them, yet another regret. It seems there will be no end to those, for as long as I live.
Memories of brighter times burnt away to dry grey ashes stick in my throat like dust. If someone confessed to me a similar situation, I know already what I would tell them.
Remember the joyful moments; don't linger on the sorrow. Take every moment you shared as the gift it was, and treasure it, hold it in your heart for always.
I tell myself that. I know what I should do, but... I can't.
They were everything to me. Everything! They filled the gaping hole in my spirit left after Hikou and Kouran died. They turned my grief to joy, my tears to laughter. They were my life--!
Why couldn't it have been me? Why must I always be the one to live on? Why couldn't I have been to one to climb Mount Black, or the one to face Nakago? Why couldn't I exorcise the demon's spirit? Why couldn't I make him stay...?
Why did I let him go? Why didn't I trust her? Why?!
Damn it. Damn it all.
I think of what lies before me, and I feel sick. I can't go back to that--I can't! After what I found in them, how could I ever go back to being the wanderer that I was? The wanderer--alone. I remember the long, cold nights; I see them again on the path before me, and I want to weep, to scream. Most of all, I want to see the others again.
Because the loneliness terrifies me, frightens me more than anything I've ever known. It lashes at me, drawing me back inexorably, back to the joyless existence I once knew. I want them to surround me, tell me that I'm not alone, as many times as I need to hear it, that I'll never be alone again.
But they can't. Because they're dead.
The old bitterness surrounds me again, pulling me under like a black ocean. Despairing tears burn hot beneath my eyelids, beneath this cursed mask that I cannot bring myself to throw away. It's like a two-edged sword, this mask. The longer I cling to it, the more it will hurt me in the end, but I still cannot be rid of it. It keeps me from getting too close to others--a blessing? I thought so once. But now it's a curse.
And as much as I fear it, I will be alone again soon. Tasuki leaves for Mount Reikaku in the morning. Before him is a reunion with old friends; before me--a reunion with pain. I can't tell him that. I wouldn't hurt him that way. But at the same time, I don't want to let him go.
I don't want to lose him. He's the only one left. I want to embrace him with all the strength in my body and never, ever let go. I don't think he knows how badly I need him.
I'm not strong enough to endure the loneliness again. It would defeat me, break my spirit. I can't go through that again.
But I have no choice. I can't hold Tasuki back, but I can't watch him leave. He's all--all I have left. And he has no idea that he is my last defense. Defense against my past, my future, and the old enemy that threatens me again.
That damned loneliness...
I know what I had, and I know I should be glad of it. But memories are of little comfort in the night. I've learned that lesson well. They won't drive back the cold, and they can't stop the tears.
They can't soothe the pain from a bleeding wound that will never, ever heal.
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Oh, and on a final note; that comment about wanting to embrace Tasuki and never let go? That wasn't meant to be yaoi. As I've learned from my friendship with the person mentioned in the forward, you CAN be very, very dear friends with someone and NOT care for them romantically, and you CAN just want to hold onto them and never, ever let them leave you.
While this isn't my favorite piece I've ever written for FY, it is probably the one with the most of my own emotions put into it. And it proves that I can write Suzaku fics. *laughs* Bet some of you were beginning to wonder, ne? Really, I've written more on Chchiri than on any of the other Suzaku--he's my second favorite character. He used to be my favorite, but a certain sneaky painted okama snuck up on him, beaned him upside the head with a clamshell, and took his place before he (or I) quite knew what was happening. Gomen, Chichiri-san.