Warnings: Language, jealous midgets, Captains getting up-close-and-personal, emo-corner backlash, and hinted at GinKira.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of these characters. I don't even own the way Kira hides his blackmail stash. That would be how the other Kira (Light Yagami) hides his Death Note.
A/N: I have no shame. Enjoy.
Let it be known that Abarai Renji and the internet were a match made in Heaven. He managed to find the most life-changing, mind-scarring, plain impossibly weird, creepy, and funny stuff on the world wide web. His newest find was one of the more annoying, though occasionally funny, ones. Apparently he had discovered something called the "Rules of the Internet." Kira glared at him, eyebrows knit together (even though they always were) and the corners of his lips quirked down slightly more than usual. Rangiku was waving her hands furiously above her head, her rather large... personality flailing with them. Renji refused to believe what they'd just told him, but it didn't really come as much of a shocker. Renji's only argument right now was the repetitive shouting of rule 200: "Pictures or it didn't happen." Between the alcohol, the shouting, and the headache he'd already had from chasing his captain around Soul Society in an effort to get him to do paperwork, Izuru was about to snap.
"Renji. I'm serious. I swear on Momo-san's Aizen-taichou shrine that I'm not lying." Momo blushed furiously and started to stammer excuses, glancing at a I'm-not-jealous-at-all Hitsugaya, but was cut off by Renji.
"Pictures or it didn't happen, 'Zuru-chan!" He grinned wickedly at the over-worked blonde.
Kira stood up abruptly, slamming his palms down on the table in Rangiku's quarters. Hitsugaya and Momo exchanged curious looks, though anything was better than seeing the odd clash of blue eyes, white hair, and green skin of a mentally scarred Captain or one of Momo's full-body blushes right now. Kira turned is own blue eyes on Renji.
"I'll be right back." The Vice-Captain turned and shunpo-ed his way to the Third's barracks. He threw open the office's sliding door, ignoring his fox-like Captain. Ichimaru opened his mouth, most likely to make some sarcastic comment about the flushed cheeks of his obviously drunk vice captain, but closed his mouth when the blonde stormed past him. Kira stalked to his desk, pulling a drawer straight out and placing it on top of the desk. He snagged a pen pushed it into a small hole at the bottom of the drawer. The bottom popped up, much to Ichimaru's surprise, and Kira ripped it off. He snagged a single picture, though Ichimaru couldn't see what it was of, and left as fast as he came. Kira headed back to the thirteenth division's barracks and then to Rangiku's room. Renji and his busty drinking buddy were still arguing about the possibility of their claim and "Shiro-chan" was covering both of Momo's ears. Izuru closed the door with a slam, drawing the attention of the group as he slowly moved over to where Renji was sitting at the opposite end of Rangiku's table.
"You brought this on yourself." With that Kira flicked the picture onto the table, four sets of eyes glued to it and the moment captured on the smooth, glossy paper. Hitsugaya had never moved so fast, nearly tackling Momo out of her chair in an attempt to keep her mind innocent. From the look on the girl's face, it was to late. Rangiku looked a mix between victorious and on-the-edge-of-nosebleed. Yaoi fangirls. They were everywhere. Renji's expression was completely blank for a full three minutes. The other occupants of the room waited for the inevitable explo-
"HOLYSHITNOWAY!" Abarai threw himself backwards, stumbling away and clawing at his eyes in an attempt to get rid of the mental image in his drunken panic.
Kira smirked down at the picture of a sweaty Zaraki Kenpachi and a mid-moan Kuchiki Byakuya wrapped around each other and obviously enjoying every moment of each others "company." Renji suddenly stopped and looked at him funny.
"How did you get a picture of Taichou and... Kenpachi-" group shudder "-fucking?" Rangiku turned a large grin on him, obviously wondering exactly what else he had pictures of, not nearly as interested in the means. Hitsugaya and Hinamori simply gawked. The third division's vice-captain simply picked the picture back up and slipped it into his sleeve, smirking down at Renji.
"The emo-corner has a surprisingly good view."
After getting over the shock Renji had demanded more alcohol so he could effectively forget the night and what he'd learned about his captain. Matsumoto whipped out the heavy stuff and Hitsugaya and Momo left, earning catcalls from two thoroughly trashed vice captains, and a knowing smile from Izuru. Eventually he gave up trying to match the two drink-for-drink and headed back to his room to sleep off the alcohol and pray to whatever god there was that Ichimaru wouldn't wake him up at the crack of dawn for one of his random strolls at ungodly hours of the night and/or morning. It really depended on if he'd sated his persimmon fix or not the day before. With a sigh, and a barely concealed stumble, Kira returned to the office to put back the picture. He stopped at the door, suddenly remembering three important facts that he had previously ignored or rather had been completely oblivious to. You'd be amazed what tunnel vision and alcohol could do to a person. Regardless, Kira Izuru had just been slapped in the face for shits and giggles by whatever higher power was currently looking down at him without a shred of sympathy. 1) His Captain had actually been working on paperwork for probably the first time in his life. 2) He had completely ignored his Captain, who excelled in ruining his day on a whim. 3) He had left his painfully CURIOUS Captain, that he'd IGNORED, ALONE with a box full of ALL of his blackmail material.
Before he could come up with a solution, much less register how screwed he was, the door slid open. Kira stiffened, slowly raising his eyes to meet his Captain's smiling face.
"Ne, 'Zuru. Ya got some interestin' stuff in that box of yers." His smile, if possible, widened as he grabbed Kira's wrist and pulled him into the office before closing the door.
"Ichimaru-taichou! It's not- I mean, they aren't- ... I swear I could explain this better if I wasn't drunk and staring at your lips!" The blonde's eyes snapped open wide, both hands flying up to clap over his mouth. It was a well known fact that Kira Izuru and alcohol made for an interesting outcome, normally ending the night with a naked and unconscious vice captain, but he didn't think he'd ever said anything nearly as embarrassing as that before. To his Captain, much less. The silver fox lifted a pale hand, a single picture between his thin fingers. He smiled an eerie you-just-wait smile at Kira before flipping it around to reveal a picture of the silver-haired man, along with a few of the other captains, at a hot spring. The funny thing was that the angle made the purpose of Gin's towel moot. There was NO modesty at all from that viewpoint, unlike the one of Kenpachi and Kuchiki. Kira visibly shrunk in on himself, watching Gin's amused expression widen by the moment. He put his big, blue, puppy-dog eyes on full blast.
"I blame the emo-corner?"
The next day Renji had been admitted to Captain Unohana's care for nearly suffocating due to his laughter. Momo was blissfully unaware of what was going on, constantly asking a blushing Captain Hitsugaya what was so funny. Rangiku spent her time, because her Captain was to busy preserving the innocence of their naïve friend to load work on her, trying to pry the "juicy details" out of a badly limping Kira. While the group of friends dealt with Kira's emotional-breakdown after Rangiku started voicing her own opinions on how his night went, a satisfied Ichimaru Gin drifted by. He had a bag of dried persimmons in one hand and, as a testimony to the night before, a roll of film he was off to develop. One could never have to much blackmail.