Nigel Thornberry giggled seductively at Patrick Bateman.
"Why hello there." Bateman smiled as he tickled Nigel's anus with his tongue. "And who might you be?"
"Tehehehehe!" Nigel blushed. "I-I'm Nigel Thornberry," he said bashfully.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGG! Nigel Thornberry. You are the HOTTEST man I have ever been alive to meet and greet at orientation!" Bateman said.
"Y thank u!" Nigel replied sensually.
"I was wondering if you would like to accompany me to club Penis Piercing tonight?" Bateman asked.
"Well, I was going to get a prostate examination, but how can I resist a man as lovely as yourself?" Nigel replied.
Bateman stuck out his arm. "Shall we exit this erotic establishment? Poopy?"
"MMMMMMMSSSSSSMMMMMMMAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!" Nigel said.
As they entered the club that night, they saw Patrick's BFFs: Walt Disney, Jesus Vagina Crust and Human parainfluenza viruses (hPIVs).
"Hello everyone!" Patrick cried.
"Hi guys!" All his friends replied. "Look what we have!"
On the table were lines of coke!
"Oh wow!" Patrick shouted. "Hey Nigel, are you ready to have a cool party tonight?"
"Well, I haven't done any coke since Eliza went down on me last weekend," Nigel said.
"Who's Eliza?" Patrick asked.
"She's my daughter. Her braces scrape my dick but let's just say I love SMASHING that 12-year-old pussy into oblivion!"
"I know that feeling, snugglemuffin. I love the feeling of tonguing under 18 succulent virgin snatch and having them bounce up and down on my big veiny cock."
"You got that right, poppet," Nigel whispered into his ear.
They rolled up $100 bills and snorted those precious lines.
"SNIIIIFFFFFF! Aw yeah, that is some good Colombian stuff!" Patrick cried. Then, he sounded like he was hacking up a hairball. "Oh God, wait!" He blew out a sharp and bloody blue gem from his nose! "Oh God, what in the fresh penile hell is that?" His nostril started to bleed.
Then, Nigel blew out the same gem! He held his nose and blew out bloody mucus onto his fingers. "Ugh, I don't know."
Patrick put a tissue to his nose. Suddenly, a table caught on fire! People tried to put it out but the fire was spreading! The smell of burnt flesh and smoke was overpowering.
"PATRICK ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE CLUB ARE DYING IN THE FIRE WHAT DO WE DO?" Nigel shouted over the screams.
"Nigel, we have to use the gems to escape! While I was blacking out when you shoved that screwdriver up my urethra I realized how horrible the human world is. Humans are so awful and disgusting and they POOP everywhere! So I had a vision that we were dolphins in the ocean, making love in front of other dolphins who didn't give a fuck about our big dolphin penises thrusting into each other and filling up each other's blowholes with our creamy dolphin delights! So the only way to escape the fire is to become dolphins, Nigel!"
"Patrick, I don't understand!" Nigel said.
"We have to use these gems to turn into dolphins, Nigel, or else we will perish in the fire like all the other clubgoers!" Patrick picked up a gem and handed one to Nigel. "We have to believe we are dolphins! We have to really want to be dolphins and then we will turn into dolphins! Now wish really, really hard!"
Patrick and Nigel looked constipated as they started wishing.
"WISH HARDER, NIGEL! HARDER!" Patrick shouted.
Suddenly, the two started to glow! Patrick winced as his legs molted together to form a tail. His anus burned and stretched out into a small slit on his underbelly. Nigel cried out as his arms broke and snapped, bending and graying into dolphin fins. His penis then retracted into a newly formed slit. Once they developed blowholes, their transformation into dolphins was complete! They both did their dolphin cries in celebration as they floated off the ground!
"PATRICK! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAS TRULY HAPPENED?" Nigel cried.
"Yes, my love, now we must escape before the building burns down ove-"
But it was too late. The building began to crumble. Patrick and Nigel tried dodging the crumbling walls. Nigel flew out first, but Patrick was left under the rubble.
"No! Patrick!" Nigel cried. He tried getting rid of the rubble to find Patrick but he couldn't because of his dolphin fins. "Patrick! Don't die on me! Try to get out! PATRICK!"
Then a magical aura surrounded the debris and it exploded away! Patrick was alive, and he had 6 pac dolphin abs, which were smooth and porcelain.
Nigel flew up to Patrick and French kissed him. "Oh Patrick! I thought you were gone for sure!"
"Me too. But as I was about to take my last breath, I felt a new, magical strength envelope me, and suddenly I had super powers!"
"Oh my corn crumbles! How did that happen?"
"It was me," said a mysterious voice. Then Spongebob emerged from the debris!
"Spongebobo! Did you save Patrick?" Nigel asked.
"Yes I did, Nigel. I have been stalking you two for decades in hopes that the both of you would meet and turn into beautiful and sexy marine mammals. I put those blue stones in your cocaine so my wish would come true."
"But why, Spongebob? That transformation was the most horrifying, painful thing I have ever experienced. You raped my body in a different, kinky kind of way," Patrick said.
"Because your love will never survive in the real world. Humans cannot understand the concept of homosexual polygamous talking dolphins. They will mock you and torture you because they are afraid of you. Do you understand? Their intelligence is not that of sea creatures. They are not as accepting as us."
"I have an enlarged prostate," Nigel said.
"The only way your love can thrive and the only way for you two to survive is if you come to Bikini Bottom."
"Okay, we'll do it!" Patrick cried.
Then Spongebob turned on the TV and all three were transported to Bikini Bottom.
PART 2 UP NEXT!