Where are we?
This is a really short oneshot dedicated to LibbieBlackout422.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit.
Jessie loved her home, her farm of acres of grass that boasted not only her tame horses, but also on occasion, herds of buffalo and wild horses on the other side of the fence that she had put up to keep the wild life and tame separate from each other.
Jessie lived by herself in Idaho, about three hours away from the closest town and by herself.
She loved the isolation, craved it even, as she only ever went to town once or twice a month and that was only for getting things like shampoo, soap, clothes, meat, etc.. Everything else she needed she grew in one of her two large green houses or she got from the animals dependent on her.
She was just having a normal day like any other, out in the fields with her horses when a bright light consumed her surroundings and a loud boom was heard.
Gasping in shock and slight fear, Jessie looked around her surroundings after the spots were gone from her vision and saw, just on the other side of the fence, fifteen figures were sprawled out in the long grass.
Jessie watched transfixed as the figures began to groan and moan, staggering to their feet. Seeing movement past the figures, Jessie saw that some bulls from a nearby buffalo herd had noticed the figures and were seeing them as a threat and were getting ready to charge.
"Run! Run, quickly!" Jessie screamed, pointing to the charging bulls. The figures although were slowly climbing to their feet still, looked at her and the direction that she was pointing and shouts quickly filled the air as the rest of the figures scrambled to their feet and dashed towards her fence, quickly climbing over it to her side.
Just in time too as the bulls just reached the fence and barely stopped their charge. Snorting at their failed victims, the bulls returned to their herd and were on their way.
Sighing with relief that disaster had been diverted, Jessie returned her attention to the figures in front of her, only to see that they were already studying her.
Jessie noticed that there was one shorter figure then the others with no shoes on and large hairy feet. There was also a man in gray robes with a gray hat and a long gray scraggily beard. The others were all around the same height but signifcantly shorter then the man in gray and taller then the shortest man. It looked like she was going to have her solitude interfered with.
"Who are you?" Jessie asked. The man with black hair and beard with blue piercing eyes spoke.
"I am Thorin Oakenshield, and these are my companions in the company: Dori, Ori, Nori, Gloin, Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili, Bofur, Bifur, Bombur, Oin, Bilbo, and Gandalf the Gray WIzard."
Silence from Jessie.
"Are you guys cosplyaing Tolkein and Peter Jackson? Because if so, you guys have it down pat… Except for Thorin though."
"I assure you, mylady, we have no idea what this 'colsplaying' is. But what I can assure you is that I am Thorin Oakenshield. And what is wrong with me?" Thorin demanded. Jessie shrugs.
"I thought Thorin was supposed to be taller. And cosplaying is basically dressing up as your favorite characters and acting like them. You guys are obviously cosplaying the Hobbit by Tolkein whom created the Middle Earth world. Good idea too, because people have been cosplaying the Lord of the Rings trilogy and not many people have done the Hobbit so kuddos to you."
Silence.
The one masquearding as Gandalf the Gray coughed lightly to draw the attention to him.
"My lady, how do you explain the light and the loud boom that occurred?"
Jessie shrugged and began to mount one of her horses that had come closer to their group, straddling the bare back of the horse and holding on to the horse's mane.
"Well, duh. It was just special effects like in the movies and you guys probably thought that is was just wild land for acres upon acres. Well I got news for ya, you guys were trespassing on my land and were almost attacked by a wild herd of buffalo. So why don't y'all grab a horse and mount up so I can take you up to the house and figure out where you parked your cars so you can be on your way to ComicCon."
"What can we do to prove to you that we are in fact whom we say we are? And that we were sent here by a spell by some unkown force?" Gandalf asked, even as his other companions found short horses to bear themm to her home and mounted them.
Jessie shrugged again at the old man's questions. "Well, you're supposed to be the wizard, right? So why don't you do some 'magic' to prove your claims?"
The Gandalf wannabe clutched a knarled staff with a blue stone embeded in the knot on the top. She had to say they were the most realistic colsplayers she had ever seen.
Suddenly clouds covered the sun - which was really weird since it was a day with no clouds or anything of the sort that day - and the Gandalf man seemed to loom over everyone with an intimidating prescence emanating from him.
"I am Gandalf the Gray Wizard of Middle Earth. Now I do not know what land or world we've landed on, but we as in the Company of Thorin Oakenshield are in need of your assistance to return to our quest to the Misty Mountains."
Silence and then a thud as Jessie fell from her horse and onto Fili whom had been getting ready to mount his horse.
"Well then… that happened," Kili said, snickering.
"Where are we?" Ori asked innocently.
"I don't think we're in Middle Earth anymore, that's for sure," Bofur said.
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It had been three days since her uninvited guests had appeared.
"Miss Jessie, how do you work this tele-vis-sion again?" Nori asked, stumbling over the unfamiliar word.
Jessie sighed from the kitchen where she and Bombur were making lunch.
"It is called a television, or a T.V. if that makes it easier for you. And the black rectangle on the table in front of the couch is what you use to opperate it. The red button on the top turns the T.V. on and off, and the two long buttons in the middle of the remote adjust the volume and change the channels. Got it?"
"I think so. Thanks Jessie!" Nori said before returning to the living room where the other dwarves were.
Her and Bombur had a few minutes of silence before they were again interrupted by another.
"Miss Jessie, you wouldn't happen to have any spare clothes for us would you?" Kili asked.
Jessie turned to Bombur, the only dwarf that knew how to cook in the kitchen as he had been helping her with each meal since they got here.
"You've got this all covered, right, Bombur?"
"Oh, yes, Miss Jessie."
"Good." Jessie then turned to Kili and Fili whom had popped into the kitchen behind his brother.
"Alright, we are going shopping. But before we go, no weapons and wear only pants, boots, and a shirt, you don't need your fur coats, it's 79 degrees out there today."
"Yes, ma'am!" the two dwarves said, saluting and then scurring off to hopefully remove all their weapons and their fur coats.
"May I come?" Ori asked hesitantly. Jessie nodded, knowing that if Ori was coming then so would Dori.
"Yes, as long as you and Dori stick with the terms that I gave to Fili and Kili."
"Yes, ma'am," Ori said, running into the living room to grab his older brother.
Jessie sighed and went up to her room to get dressed. She got dressed in a pair of cowgirl boots, a pair of skinny jeans, and a blue tank top with a plaid button up short sleeved shirt and a cowgirl hat on her head.
She returned downstairs and informed the dwarves, hobbit and wizard, in the living room that she and the other four dwarves were going to be gone for several hours and to not wait up for them if they weren't back by the time it was dark.
"I will also be outside waiting for them."
She went outside and to her red Chevy 2015 F150 Pickup Truck.
She started it, immediately turning on the AC.
Jessie saw the four dwarves hesitantly approach the truck and she got out and helped three of them in the back and the other in the front by her. She demonstrated that they needed to put their seat belt on and after all four of them had done so, she returned into the driver's seat and buckled her own belt. Then they were off through country roads and towards a large town that had multiple restaurants and clothing stores.
And judging by the slightly scared expresions on her companions' faces, this was going to be a fun trip.
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Several hours later, the four dwarves were shopped out and were almost asleep when Jessie pulled into a sit down restaurant.
"You guys hungry?"
"Famished!" Kili exclaimed, unbuckling his seat belt and scrambling out of the car, filled with energy all of the sudden.
Jessie stepped of her truck and led the procession into the restaurant.
A host greeted them. "Hola welcome to Hacienda. How many for today?"
"Five."
"Alrighty. Follow me right this way."
The five of them followed the host around the corner and to a large booth. Two dwarves went on each side and Jessie joined Fili and Kili.
A few minutes later, a server came to them with two baskets of chips and five salsas.
"Hello, how are you today?"
"We're doing well, how about you?"
"I'm doing well, thank you. My name is Tammi and I'll be taking care of you today. May I get you guys started with any of our housemade ranch or cheese dip?"
The dwarves looked at Jessie, unsure of what to say. Jessie hid a laugh as she answered the server.
"Yes, we'll take a small ranch, cup of chili con queso, and cup of white cheese no beans. And five waters, no lemon, and five cokes, please."
"Okay, you got it. I'll be right back."
The server walked away and Jessie began to point out things on the menu that the dwarves might like.
By the time the server came back with everything, the party of five were ready to order. Well Jessie was ready to order for them anyways as the dwarves weren't used to this type of restaurant.
"Here ya go, guys." She said, handing out the drinks and side dips that Jessie had ordered. "Are you guys ready to order?"
"Yes, we are. I'll have a groundbeef wet burrito with no tomatos and with sour cream. And then we'll take two new york strip steaks cooked well done, one with garlic mushrooms, one with french fries. And then we'll take two cheeseburgers with no veggies, one with waffle fries, the other with red potatos."
"Okay, you got it."
The server walked away. Dori leaned towards Jessie.
"I really would like some mead."
Jessie laughed. "You can't get anything like that unless you have an I.D. like this." Jessie said, pulling out her driver's license and showing it to the disappointed dwarves. "But you can have some when we get back home alright?"
Dori sighed but nodded.
Thirty minutes later, their food was brought out to them. The dwarves dug in with gusto, the chips and salsa and various deeps having not even made a dent in their hunger. Jessie was only halfway done with her wet burrito when the four dwarves finished their last bite of food on their plate. The server had only returned once in the very beginning so Jessie stacked the plates for the server and placed them at the end of the table before returning to her own food.
A few minutes later Tammi came around the corner and picked up the plates.
"Any plans for dessert today, like a mountain mudslide or a peanutbutter pie?"
"Uh, yeah. We'll take two mudslides with just chocolate on all three and then two apple pies please. Oh, and an order of churros with chocolate, carmel, and honey."
"Absolutely, I'll put that right in for you."
Ten minutes later, the waitress returned with the desserts, handing them to Jessie whom placed one mudslide between Fili and Ori, the other in between Dori and Kili. Then Jessie placed the churros in front of herself and then put the applepies in between the two mudslides. Tammi had taken their empty chip baskets and salsa cups as well as Jessie's empty plate.
The dwarves looked at her after the server had left.
"You guys choose whom gets what. Or you can just share them and get half of two of the desserts."
The dwarves talked in their dwarvish language to each other for a few minutes before digging in to their desserts.
It looked like they were going to be sharing the desserts.
Tammi came back with the bill in a tray.
"Here ya go but there is no rush for this."
Jessie already had her credit card out and was placing it in the tray for Tammi to take.
After the dwarves were done with their desserts, Jessie gave them each one of the churros and placed the dipping sauces within arms reach.
"This is chocolate, this is caramel, and this is honey." Tammi chose that time to return with her credit card, a receipt for Jessie to sign, and a pen.
"Here ya go, and you guys all have a good night and come back and see me sometime, alright?"
Jessie just nodded absently as she began to sign the top receipt. Their total bill was $115.47 after tax and 20% was 23 dollars. So it cost $133.47 for five of them to eat at this place. She dared to think about how much it would have cost to bring all of the Middle Earth group here. She shuddered and tried to force her mind to forget that errant thought.
She turned to the dwarves whom were starting to get droopey eyed again.
"Alright, lads, you ready to head on home to see if the old man has figured out how to return you home?"
Dori grunted. "We're all older then you, lassie. But yes, we are ready to head back to see if ol' graybeard has figured it out."
They trudged out of the restaurant and to her truck where they all climbed in and buckled their seat belts. Jessie then started the long drive home.
She sighed as not even ten minutes later, snores began to fill the truck as the dwarves all fell asleep. It was going to be a long drive.
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The next day found Gandalf had found a way home for them all.
As the dwarves and hobbit began to gather around Gandalf, Jessie pulled back Thorin, Fili, and Kili.
"I want to tell you three something. I do not know where you are on your journey to the Misty Mountain, and I don't want to know. But I want you three to know that after you reclaim Erebor, a war will be fought on your doorsteps. And also that Ravenhill is a trap and if you fall for it, the line of Durin will end." As horror filled their faces, Jessie moved onto to Balin and gestured for Ori to join them.
"After Erebor is claimed, you Balin and Ori along with several dwarves move to reclaim Moira."
Balin cut in, excited. "And do we reclaim her?"
"No. Because there is a great evil that lays in the depths of that mountain, and if it is disturbed, then all that enter shall perish. Be careful and think carefully on the decision to reclaim it." Jessie warned the two of them.
Horror filled their faces as well.
Jessie moved to Dwalin and whispered in his ear the same things she had told the others and knew that as fear and horror filled his face, that Dwalin would do his best to make sure that his fellow dwarves survived.
"It is time." Gandalf said. The company nodded in farewell to Jessie.
"Goodbye and good luck!" Jessie called.
And then a familiar bright light filled the area and a familiar loud boom.
As Jessie turned her attention back to where they had once stood, she smiled almost sadly. She was going to miss them… But she couldn't help but be happy that she was alone again.
Her thoughts were cut off as she saw a vehicle turning onto her road and towards her house.
As it came closer, she couldn't help but admire it. It was a sweet ride.
As it stopped beside her truck, two men got out of the car, one signifanctly taller then the other and they walked towards her.
"Hello, what can I do for you?" Jessie asked.
The two men showed her badges.
"This is Agent Ford and I am Agent Hamill."
"Agents? From what agency?"
"FBI."
"Okay, what can I do for you, Agents?" Jessie asked again, stressing on the last word. She didn't believe that they were FBI Agents.
"Well, there was a murder committed on your property line and your neighbor's about twenty minutes that way. There was somethings missing from the body and so we're just stopping at every house in the area if they heard or saw anything suspicious that could lead us to the murderer."
Jessie shrugged. "Can't say I didn't. I was in town since breakfast all day yesterday until about late last night."
"We're gonna have to see some proof." the taller one - Agent Hamill - said. Jessie rolled her eyes.
"And I'm gonna have to see a warrant and some real members of the law."
Silence.
"I assure you that we are real agents." Agent Ford - the shorter one - said.
Jessie rolled her eyes again. "Yeah and I'm Wonder Woman. Look, guys, I don't really care about what fantasy you're playing at by playing dress up as FBI Agents. Just get off my property and don't come here again."
Jessie turned to go back inside but paused. "And that's a nice 1967 Chevrolet Impala… and certainly not normal for FBI Agents to be driving. Don't you guys watch T.V.? They drive black SUVs now… Have a good day, gentlemen!"
She went inside, closing the door, and leaning her back against it she waited for the sound of the car driving off before collapsing to the floor in exhaustion.
Man, was she ready for a nap.
The End