Dean stood stoically between Sam and Bobby, their hands on his shoulders the only things keeping him from collapsing. He just didn't have the strength to hold himself up anymore.
Hell, he didn't think he had the strength to do anything anymore. The only reason he was even still alive was currently burning away on Bobby's pyre in front of him.
This wasn't how any of it was supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to face this today, it was supposed to be a good day.
Sadly, nothing good stays with Dean for long.
Earlier that week, they had gotten Castiel back from the Leviathan, newly human, which had been a miracle. Getting him back was a shock, but it was one Dean had been secretly hoping for.
They had stayed at Bobby's house and regrouped until yesterday, when they caught wind of a case two towns over. This "case" was only based on a few small rumors and would probably turn out to be nothing, but everyone wanted out of the house for a while so they went.
The three of them packed up the Impala and hit the road. They had been driving for about twenty minutes when Sam announced that he had to use the bathroom, which made Dean scowl at him through the rearview mirror.
"Geez, Sammy, didn't you think of going BEFORE we got in the damn car?" Dean muttered angrily, causing Sam to give him what could only be described as his bitchface. A few minutes later, they spotted a semi respectable-looking gas station and pulled into the parking lot.
Sam hopped out of the car and briskly walked inside, making a beeline for the bathroom. Dean walked in shortly after with Castiel, looking around for food.
A few moments later, Dean and Castiel were in line waiting to pay for the snacks while Sam was in the bathroom, when two men came in and walked up to the register in front of them. They then proceeded to each pull out a handgun and point them at the clerk.
Dean immediately stepped a bit farther in front of Castiel, incredibly aware of his newfound mortality.
One of the men exclaimed in a gruff voice, "Open the register, give us all the cash!" The clerk's stunned silence prompted another outburst from the man. "Come on, old man! Don't make me shoot you!"
"Now now, there's no reason for violence, is there?" Dean spoke up before the clerk could respond to the threat, causing the second man to turn around and finally take notice of the pair.
"Dean, don't do something to get yourself hurt." If he didn't seem to be acutely focused on the man behind him at all times, he might not have heard Castiel's whispered plea.
Unfortunately, the other man heard him as well. "Shut up, don't make a god damn sound!"
"Excuse me, but what right do you have to take our Lord's name in vain?" Castiel demanded, stepping out from behind Dean's protective stance. He couldn't help but feel overwhelming pride as he stood up to this man even in his human state, but that feeling was immediately replaced by a cold spike of fear as the man raised the gun and aimed it at Castiel.
Dean contemplated fighting their way out of the station, but realized that he had left his gun in the car and they probably wouldn't leave without a bullet wound if they tried. After this small revelation, he turned to Cas to ask him to stand down and not endanger himself since he can't heal like he used to, momentarily forgetting that there was a man standing not ten feet away with a gun.
"Stop! I fucking said no talking!" In his perpetual nervousness, the man spun to face Dean, his finger slipping as he did so. As if everything were happening in slow-motion, Dean heard the gun click and saw the bullet leave the chamber.
He shut his eyes and braced himself for the shot. When the pain didn't come after a few seconds, he blinked slowly to find the man staring wide-eyed at the floor.
Dean felt the unmistakable weight of dread settle in his stomach as he followed the man's gaze and was met with the sight of Castiel on his knees, trying to remain upright and clutching his chest as blood poured around his hand and pooled on the floor.
"Cas! Oh god, Cas!" Dean immediately knelt down and wrapped his arms around him just as he fell backwards, no longer able to support himself.
The two men, realizing what their crime just escalated to, dashed from the store without a second thought. Dean, however, was oblivious to their actions and just kept rocking Castiel back and forth, pressing his hand to the wound.
"Cas, please stay awake, alright? Just stay awake for a little while longer. Sammy and I'll get ya to a hospital and get ya fixed up."
There was a gurgle and a small whimper which he barely felt against his chest that let Dean know he was still conscious, but might not be for much longer. "Dean..." Castiel began weakly, coughing up blood as he did so.
"Ssh, Cas. It's okay. It's going to be okay, you hear me?" Dean held him tighter as he finally felt the first of the tears he'd been holding back cascade down his cheeks.
"Damnit, Cas, why'd you have to jump in front of me? I don't need ya to save me anymore, it was my turn to protect you. You'd better not die on me, do you understand? I can't lose you, Cas! I just got you back!"
"Dean, I... I don't think I have much time left. But I do not-" Castiel coughed up more blood, making Dean cringe. "I do not ever regret saving you. You need to live more than I d-do. You h-h-have Sam, and..."
"Cas, please don't try to talk right now. Just, just smile for me, okay? Can you please smile?"
Castiel smiled weakly, tears brimming in his eyes.
Dean noticed that Castiel was trying to be calm and reassure him, even as he was bleeding out. He was always so strong, even when all logic says he should be terrified. He did so much for Dean, and now he was dying for him. Again.
With much effort, he shifted in Dean's arms and moved closer, as if to whisper in his ear.
"Dean, I-I need you to know something before ... before I die."
Dean had to bite his lip to stop the sob that crawled its way up his throat when Castiel said that.
"Tell me, Cas. Please."
In this moment, Dean knew he would never be the same. This was different from the other times Castiel died. This time, they both knew he wasn't coming back. He would never see him again, and the thought was tearing him apart inside.
He managed a poor version of his trademark smirk, trying to hold it all together for just a little longer.
Castiel slowly cupped Dean's cheek and pulled his face down, too weak to move his own face up. "Dean, I ..."
Dean could feel Castiel's shallow breaths against his lips as he moved closer. He thought that he should be confused about how he felt with Cas so close to him in his arms, but all he could focus on was controlling his tears while Cas was in such close proximity.
"Dean, I ... love..."
He saw Castiel's lips start to form the last word, but no sound came out.
"No, Cas! You're my best friend, please don't leave me again!" A choked sob bubbled up as Castiel went limp in his arms, his head lolling back and all of his warmth rapidly dissipating.
For a moment, he didn't understand what Castiel was trying to say, what that last word was, but then it all clicked into place.
All of the times he would catch Castiel staring at him, when he would appear in his dreams, or how passionately he defended Dean no matter what.
As he thought of that, he also realized that he would stare at Castiel too, entranced by how he exuded both power and peace at the same time, or how he stood up for him and adamantly refused to believe he had been working with Crowley.
Suddenly everything made sense. Every little thing he felt about Castiel in the past.
When the realization crashed over him, he held Castiel tighter against him and didn't even try to maintain the heart-wrenching sobs that wracked his body.
He had finally lifted the curtain of denial and thrown out thoughts of conforming to gender roles, only to be too late. His last words to this man, this angel, who had saved him countless times and given up everything for him, were not what he wanted to say.
He had called him his best friend in death, but there were three little words he had been wanting to say for a long time, probably since he met his angel. Three little words he would never get the chance to say.
As he heard Sam run out to his aid and police sirens blaring around the corner, all he could do was curl his body around Castiel, ghosting his lips across his hair before tilting his face and pressing the lightest of kisses to his lips. It was gentle, and yet he poured all of his emotion into it.
It was how their first kiss should have been. How their first kiss would never be. He imagined what Castiel would taste like, that it would be better than anything he'd previously experienced.
He would literally trade everything just to say goodbye to Castiel again. Just to kiss him and tell him what he should have told him years ago.
With these thoughts crushing him and permanently breaking his heart, he pressed feather-light kisses all over his face before pressing one last one to his lips, finally murmuring those three little words that he'd waited so long to say.
"I love you."