Effy wouldn't stop screaming. Screaming like it was The End. The End.
The funeral had been over for an hour. We had all been leaving. But then Effy had called us over. Effy with her dark and hair and her bright eyes. She was always the leader. Never Katie. Never Emily. Never Naomi. Never Cook. Never JJ. Never Thomas. Never me. Never Freddie. Never Freddie.
She pulled out some spliff, said there was enough for one last joint. So we gathered in a circle around his fresh grave and smoked it. Effy had the first tug (because it was hers and because she deserved it) before passing it off to Katie. She didn't smile her Effy Smile. She just breathed. Breathed.
Katie took the spliff from Effy with care, but after it was in her hands she latched onto it like a desperate, starving bear would to berries. She inhaled, and inhaled, and inhaled, and inhaled…for forever. But then she stopped. Stopped.
Emily was next. When she got the joint she just stared at it for a minute, a quiet fascination on her face. Then she stared at Katie, who was breathing out smoke, except she was breathing out so much, so, so much that it seemed like it was winter and she was just breathing out. Then she stared at Effy and Effy stared back. That's when Emily put the joint to her lips, took a quick tug, handed it to Naomi while simultaneously taking her hand, and looked down. Down.
Naomi didn't hesitate when she got her puff. She leaned her head back and blew out the smoke and in a way it kind of looked like an upside down waterfall. Naomi turned around and looked at Emily, quirked her lips like she was smiling, brightened her eyes like she wasn't crying, and then turned to Cook. She gave him the joint, but after she did she grabbed his hand. She grabbed his hand and squeezed so hard. Her hands were so pale. Pale.
Cook looked at her for a moment, really looked. But then he got his hand free, so gently it burned, burned like the spliff, and smoked the joint. Really smoked it. Cook always did things with a "really" but this time was different. He looked at Effy then, much, much harder than he'd looked at Naomi. When he was looking at her then, he got paler than Naomi's knuckles ever could. And it was like he was crying into himself. Like the tears were falling inside and bleaching him. Bleaching.
JJ got the spliff as soon as Cook took a breath and, wheezing, passed it over to him. JJ didn't really accept it, he just took it, brought it to his lips, took a puff, and handed it to Thomas. It was like he was a machine and that was his function. His eyes never once left Freddie's Grave. Nothing about him changed at all really. Nothing.
Thomas didn't immediately take the spliff when JJ had handed it to him. He just sat there and looked at his friend. Examining him, making sure he wasn't about to break, shatter. But then he must have decided he was okay, because he took the spliff and turned his head just as JJ's arm dropped. Now he was looking at Freddie's grave, while he smoked the joint. When he was done, he turned to me, and stared at me. The smoke came out of him then, fell out from his nose and up into the air. Air.
I took the spliff from him, saw how small it had gotten since Effy had first rolled it. I heard how it ruffled under my fingers, felt the coarseness of the skin, and smelt the scent of weed and flame. When I brought it to my mouth, I tasted the smoke and the little spark that gave smoking spliff its purpose. That disappointed me a little. I had wanted to taste everybody on it, taste Thomas and JJ and Cook and Naomi and Emily and Katie and Effy. Taste Freddie. A tear dropped then but I dropped my head and let it fall before looking back up. Looking at Thomas, JJ, Cook, Naomi, Emily, Katie, and Effy. And Freddie. They all looked back, except Effy, because she was looking at Freddie; Freddie's Grave, I mean. Freddie.
There was still some spliff left. Enough for nine people, not eight. So I gave it to Freddie. Placed it right on the gray slab of stone with his name on it. That's when Effy started screaming like it was The End. The End.
We didn't know what to do. Effy was the one who was broken more than all of us. More than JJ. More than Cook. Effy was all in pieces, this girl screaming here was all in pieces. She didn't have a past, a future, a present. She didn't have anything because it was all scattered. And she was too weak to get them all back together. Together.
I didn't think then. I never think. Because I'm useless, you see. Useless.
All I can do is want things. I wanted to be with Effy forever. I wanted things to work out with Thomas. I wanted Emily and Katie and Naomi and JJ to be my friends. I wanted to stop fucking Cook. I wanted Thomas to want me. I wanted Effy to stop being psycho. I wanted Freddie to fix her. I wanted Freddie to come back to life. I wanted Effy to please, please, PLEASE, come back together. PLEASE.
But this time, I guess because I wanted it so hard, so much harder than I ever wanted anything, I broke a little too. The part of me that made me only want broke and became a part that made me do something.
I took some of the pieces, as many as I could get, and I hugged them back into the girl who used to be my best friend. I grabbed her and slammed myself into her, made it so that no matter how much she flailed, how much she pounded against me, she would never get rid of me. This scattered person would get put back together! She would! She had too! SHE HAD TOO!
But she was so strong (even though she was so weak) and I wasn't enough. Her howls were sending me into despair, but I had to keep holding on, keep holding on, for her sake. But I also knew, I couldn't keep her from going back to pieces. From out of nowhere, two more arms appeared, pale and slim and they clamped onto my back and helped me keep the pieces from falling out. I looked and there was Katie, her face etched into a snarl of determination and she was screaming too now, just as loud. I saw that and I started screaming too, roaring. Roaring.
More arms appeared, wrapping around me, wrapping around Katie, but most importantly wrapping around this girl who was sputtering now, but still screaming much too loud. One pair was the same porcelain color and delicate shape as Katie's, another dark and corded with reliable muscle. There were two arms that were fragile and translucent, but they gripped us like steel, like a machine whose sole function was to make sure we didn't come apart. Another was pale, incredibly pale, because they were squeezing so hard all the blood was gone. Then finally, one last pair of arms came. This pair was the strongest. They were so powerful, I knew that there was no way we'd let go unless they did first. And we all stood there, hugging one another, screaming like banshees. Hugging one another to make this girl go back together. Hugging one another because we were so desperately, awfully, impossibly sad. Hugging one another because we'd lost one of ours. Hugging.
An indiscernible amount of time passed. But by the end of it none of us were screaming. Like I said, the first pair of arms that fell was the last to come. By the time their strength had faded ours had been gone for ages and we drifted off her like leaves in a wind. The girl stood there, looking down, fists clenched. But then, her head turned up and it was Effy. The real Effy. Effy, with her dark hair tangled and unkempt and her bright eyes dripping tears. Effy.
"Thank you," she murmured, looking at all of us around her.
She walked up to Freddie's Grave then and picked up the scrap of burnt paper that was left from the spliff. She examined it carefully with her oceans of eyes, before placing it back on the stone with his name on it.
"I'm sorry Freddie. I'm so sorry," she choked out, the tears streaming down her face in rivers now.
"I love you too."