Con-4-s-8-tion
Summary: Britta and Duncan talk
This installment takes place during Chapter 30 of "Everything is Better, Part Three." Time is Spring, 2012. No need to be familiar with the larger work, but if interested, the detailed conversations between Britta-Annie and Duncan-Jeff can be found in that chapter. It didn't seem feasible to include them here.
xxxxxx
Britta hooked up with Subway and, being that she and Duncan had determined by this point that while they were dating they weren't in an exclusive relationship, Britta told Duncan before he could find out from someone else at Greendale. He didn't seem upset.
She and the cats had gone to stay with Annie and Jeff for a few days while apartment 303 was being fumigated. Turns out talking with Annie was incredibly helpful, as they both determined Britta had feelings for both Subway and Duncan. Different feelings, but feelings nonetheless.
She felt flushed with excitement, intrigue, and danger with Subway whereas with Duncan she felt warm, safe, and then sick.
The sick part was more than a little troubling.
She didn't have much time to process it all before Jeff informed her of the Pillow and Blanket War breaking out at Greendale. Once she arrived, Jeff had urged her to go talk to Duncan in his office rather than meddle with the delicate Trobed situation. After she made her beliefs about the origin of the Trobed dispute known, she reluctantly acquiesced to Jeff's silencing hand gesture and stomped off down the hall toward the professor offices.
With a soft knock on the door, she entered the room. The first thing she became aware of was the sound of crushing glass beneath her boots. In response to her gasp, Duncan's head shot up from his desk blotter.
"You came back!"
Britta's eyes widened with incredulity as she watched Duncan attempt to stand behind his desk, drips of perspiration falling from his brow. She instinctively pushed her hand outward to keep him at arms length, which appeared to work.
She stared downward and then lifted her head to meet his gaze. "Why is there glass all over the floor?"
Raising his eyebrows and placing his hands in his pockets, he said with the faintest hint of a slur, "I pushed my glass off the desk."
"Huh?"
"It seemed to be of better use on the floor."
She took a few moments to let the meaning sink in. Glancing over to his opened bottle of whiskey, she nodded in comprehension. She carefully made her way toward the desk and sat on the edge, turning her body to face him.
"You're drinking again?"
He nodded and turned to look out the window. In an uncharacteristically gravely voice, he said, "I'm a bit ashamed, really. After you left earlier, I went right for my stash. It was bloody terrible of me given that I shouldn't even have a stash anymore."
She listened to his long wearied sigh. More to herself than to him, since he couldn't see her at the moment, she awkwardly punched the air and feigned a small smile. "Hey, it's okay. We all mess up."
He turned around, his eyes meeting hers. He gulped before mumbling, "Righty."
He watched as the pinkness that tended to travel from her cheekbones down to her décolletage did so.
She shrugged and continued her slight smile. "I messed up. I'm sorry."
Furrowing his brow, he returned her shrug, and then placed a wobbling hand on the top of the desk, being careful not to move too close to her. He managed, "For what?"
"For Subway."
Taking another gulp of saliva but so very much wishing it was something stronger, he said carefully, "We had an agreement. You didn't violate the terms. As far as I'm concerned, it was all completely above-board. And I suppose you didn't even need to tell me. Really you did me a courtesy in letting me know."
Her blush deepening, she shifted her position and looked down. "I kind of had to. The whole school will know by tomorrow. Leonard's on it."
He watched her begin to pick at the edges of his blotter. Grabbing the edge of the desk with one hand, and attempting a tone that was serious yet not too demanding he said, "For future reference, you don't need to tell me. I might not really want to know each time."
She nodded more to herself as she continued to inspect the edges of the blotter. After a few moments of awkward silence, she looked up and met his gaze. Appearing to steel herself, she took a deep breath and then said, "I haven't been with anyone else until today. No one but you since we started our thing."
His eyes widened and he asked with a slight squeak, "Really?"
Smiling a little more at his tone, she responded, "Yeah. And to be honest, I'm not sure I did the right thing with Subway." Turning her head to glance around the room, she continued, "Well, I guess his name is Rick, but I have no idea even where he is or exactly who he is. It's crazy."
Duncan scoffed and then plopped down in his desk chair. "Oh, remember we don't use the term crazy in here."
She snorted and then turned her attention back to him.
He was looking at her with a mixture of what she assumed was bemusement and something else.
Was it sadness?
He held her gaze for a moment before he cleared his throat. "Can I ask you a question?"
She shrugged. "Sure."
"Did you really proclaim your love for Subway?"
She felt herself almost freeze at his directness. Although she tended to pride herself on cutting through people's bullshit it always somewhat unnerved her when he did the same to her. At the same time, it was a quality she admired about him. She never had to wonder where she stood with him. Whether it was his passion for fruit smoothies, his giddiness at discovering another way to test the Duncan Principle, or his downright delight in scoring tickets to a Dave Matthews Concert, Ian Duncan wore his heart on his sleeve.
Is he showing me his heart right now?
Flustered, she replied, "Yes."
He half smiled in way that revealed weariness.
She quickly added, "But I can't possibly love him. I think I just shouted that, and again I'm so sorry about making it so public. I'm sure everyone heard."
He cleared his throat before saying under his breath, "Leonard certainly did."
Her eyes widening in an almost panic she found completely foreign to her, she found herself blurting on, "So yes, I may have said I loved him, but I hardly know him. I was attracted to his altruistic personality and our mutual love for Nineteen Eighty-Four and shelter animals. I loved his dreams. And it was so exciting. He was like a real corpohumanoid in this huge corporation. I felt really important."
She stared at him, waiting for his reaction.
He let out another long sigh and reached for the tiny cloth on the near desk corner. He carefully took off his glasses and began polishing them, keeping his eyes on his task. With a crack in his voice, he said, "I love animals and I'm well-read. But I suppose I'm not that exciting."
She felt something in her chest begin to ache. "Ian, please." She waited for him to look up at her, his puppy dog eyes unadorned and vulnerable. Her voice lowering, she said, "You know I care about you. I just do stupid things like this. It's why I told you I couldn't be exclusive. I knew this would happen sooner or later and I didn't want to hurt you. And I think I have hurt you anyway. God, I'm so, so sorry."
He spied the tear falling down her cheek and matched it with his own. Glancing at his glasses and then back up at her, he smiled wistfully. "All right, yes, I'm hurt. Not so much that you slept with someone else but that you developed feelings for him, feelings that even if they were based on a cursory relationship still felt more real to you than what you feel for me."
She shook her head. "That's not true. They're just different feelings. Annie helped me figure it out."
Clearing his throat, he placed his glasses back on and leaned back in his chair with one foot over the other knee. Placing his hands behind his head, he said, "Well before you tell me what they are, I have to be upfront with you. Jeffrey helped me see that I need to be honest with you, even if it's a risk. Just please promise you'll hear me out, even if you have an urge to leave."
She stared at him, again stunned at his directness. Part of her was also relieved he seemed to take the heat off her in voicing what her feelings were. She nodded for him to elaborate.
"It's no secret that I'm quite fond of you. I've enjoyed our relationship immensely."
He looked at her for reassurance, and she gave another nod.
He cleared his throat and continued, "You were honest with me earlier in the semester that you wanted the option of seeing other people, and I readily agreed to it because I didn't want to lose you. But it's not what I really wanted."
She felt her chest constrict and, wiping a surprising amount of wetness off her face, she asked, "So you want to end it then? Because I slept with Subway?"
He immediately sat up and shook his head vehemently. "Not at all. I merely want you to know that it upset me because I care for you so much." He gulped, closing his eyes as he said, "I'd like for us to be exclusive from now on."
He opened his eyes and stared at her as an awkward silence fell over them for many moments.
She bit her lip and placed both of her hands out to her side, pressing her palms flat against the desk in an attempt to ground herself. She let out a deep breath. "Wow. Yeah, okay, Annie thought that might be the case."
At her stunned reaction, he said quickly, "You don't have to answer me right now. I merely think it's something we should consider."
Taking in a series of quick breaths, she said with a pained expression, "I told you, I'm terrible at that."
He watched her attempts to maintain control. With an ever-careful demeanor, he scooted his chair closer to her. Noticing she didn't flinch, he leaned forward and reached for her closest hand. She didn't object.
Giving her hand a squeeze, he said, "You said that you found Subway exciting but you didn't really know him. We've had fun times, and I hope by now you know me. Please let me try to make you happy."
Her eyes red and her face blotchy, she stared at their entwined hands. "I want this to be enough. You have no idea."
"Then please? Let's forget about this Subway business and try."
"I can't. It's because of why Subway happened. This is what I always do. I need to feel that rush of being with someone who I don't even know. He can be anything to me, anything. It's safe."
"I'm safe."
Instinctively, she pulled her hand away from his and snapped, "How the hell would I know that?"
He let out a low exclamation of surprise.
Her eyes widening, she quickly said, "I'm so sorry."
Watching her intently but with tenderness, as if she were a wounded cat, he said, "That's fine. I don't want to pressure you. All I can promise is I will do my very best to not hurt you. Please know that I care for you, I believe in you, and I think we could be happy."
She shook her head rapidly. "Subway wasn't real. You're real."
He looked at her expectantly.
She continued, "I want that. To be happy. But I'm not sure if I even know what that is. All I know is I'm not ready. And I don't know if I ever will be."
He nodded, appearing to digest this information for a few moments before asking with a hopeful edge to his voice, "But maybe someday? If we keep our arrangement, maybe it won't feel so stifling. We could go for a bike ride, we could…"
With an exaggerated groan, she said, "God. You and your bike rides. What makes you think that will be the thing to win me over? You've seen how stupid my boots look on a bike."
He scoffed, "That's why I got you those tennis shoes. I don't know why you don't wear them."
"They're white. Who wears white shoes?"
"I do. When I bike."
They both stared at one another for a moment before bursting out in laughter.
"You look ridiculous in your little white shoes."
He shouted at her in mock indignation, "How very dare you! They are sensible footwear!"
Between her snorts, Britta reached down to grab both of his hands. She yanked on them so that he knew he needed to stand, which he promptly did.
He regarded her for but a brief moment before he leaned down and gave her a soft kiss.
As they pulled out of the kiss, she mumbled into his mouth, "I missed you."
"Stay with me. Bring Mister Walter Whiskers, Daniel, and Jelly Baby over too. I'll shove Kevin in a closet to make room."
Looking up at him with sadness, she said, "I don't think that's a good idea. But I'd like to stay over tonight, if that's okay?" She bit her lip as she awaited his response.
Almost immediately, he began nodding vigorously. "Yes!"
She reached up and pulled him down for another kiss, draping her hand over the back of his neck. What began as soft and slow soon became a deeper exploration, with her hand wandering lightly over his pants zipper.
"Riiiiighty. We should go." He squeaked as he pulled back and stared at her wide-eyed.
"Really?" She tilted her head and indicated the desk.
He bit his knuckle and began to move his eyes back and forth. "You don't understand. Not here, the walls have ears and the vents have eyes."
"Ian!"
"I suggest we retire to my abode, most promptly." He reached out his hand, which she took, and he assisted her in climbing down from the desk.
Narrowing her eyes at him, she said, "You've been drinking. Annie drove me here, so I'll drive us home, err, back to your place."
"Excellent."
They stumbled out of the office, hand in hand. So wrapped up in their respective thoughts, they failed to notice much of anything about the blankets and feathers flying about down the hall.
xxxxxxx
Britta opened her eyes to see the sunlight streaming in through the window. She felt Duncan's arm protectively draped across her body, his hand resting chastely on her chest as he slumbered away. She smiled to herself and carefully turned, her naked body brushing against the sheets as Duncan let out a soft groan. Now facing him, she studied his closed eyes, taking in the sight of his slightly bushy eyebrows and startlingly long brown eyelashes.
"He's so cute."
She leaned in and smacked a kiss on his cheek.
His resulting smirk was followed by a mumbled, "I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you last night. I had too much to drink."
"It's okay. It was nice sleeping with you. Thanks for putting out the extra nice sheets."
"You're very welcome."
He's extra cute when he's formal.
She added in an almost whisper, "And you were there for me."
He slowly opened his eyes and stared at her blurrily. "I always will be."
They continued to face each other for a few beats of silence.
"I'm not ready. But I want to be."
Within minutes, she was gone.