Dance Me to the End of Love
Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
-Civil Wars
A/N: I decided to take a different look at what happened after Maddie was born, so this will be an AU story. I repurposed, and modified slightly, three chapters I used in the story "Every Mile, A Memory" and will continue from that. It's essentially my love letter to Deacon and Rayna.
Rayna had hardly slept the night before her first day back in rehearsal. As much as she'd loved having the time with Maddie, she was ready to get back to work. More than ready. She'd just started working on her album when she'd found out she was pregnant, which had forced her to postpone touring to support it. She'd been afraid the album wouldn't sell well without the tour support, but it had gone platinum. She'd even called Maddie her "platinum baby", believing in her own way her daughter had contributed to it. She'd had to revamp almost the entire track list, with Deacon out of the picture, and had even written a few songs herself. She'd been pleased with how it turned out and now she was ready to share it with her fans on tour.
This would also be her first tour where she was being booked into arenas. Half the dates were going to be in these step-up venues. She was excited at the prospect of performing in front of fifteen to twenty thousand fans a night. It was also a little bit of a scary proposition, as the label was banking on her ability to sell out those venues. It would also be her first tour without Deacon and that left her feeling a little sad. For most of her career, he'd been there beside her, and that had given her a lot of confidence.
She'd used session guitarists during the recording of the album and used other back-up singers for the harmonizing vocals. But now she had to have someone she could tour with, someone who would mesh with her and who she'd feel comfortable out on stage with. Most people didn't realize how important those relationships were, even for solo artists. Having the right mix and the right chemistry was key to being successful. Deacon had been a perfect partner, not just because he'd been her partner in real life, but because he made her better in the studio and on stage. She'd always said Deacon and the music were the same. And they were. It was all wrapped up in the whole package for her and now she would be testing her ability to move forward. She'd certainly done that in her personal life, but now she had to make it work in her professional life as well.
Today would be a new beginning. A new lead guitar player, a new direction, a new start. She'd upended everything else in her life, so now it was time for her career to move to a new place. She was ready.
Rayna was putting Maddie back into her car seat after rehearsal. It had been tougher than she'd thought it would be, getting back into the performing groove. It had been a year and a half since she'd performed on stage. And then getting used to a new guitar player. Well, three new guitar players. Over the three weeks they'd been in rehearsal, she'd fired one, another one quit and now she was on her third. It had been stressful, but she needed this to be perfect. She needed someone who could perform at her standards. This was her career, after all, and she had the right to want the best.
She was worried about the latest guy. Sam. He was good, came well-recommended, but he couldn't seem to follow her lead. She'd tried to be patient, because she knew that wasn't her strong suit, but she was getting stressed out about it. She didn't really understand what was so difficult. She'd been very specific about what she needed. How close he needed to be to her, how he needed to pay attention to what she was doing so he'd know how to change things up on the fly, if needed. She wasn't asking him to be Deacon, but she needed him to connect with her. She sighed as she fastened the strap over Maddie, who cooed at her, little spit bubbles coming out of her mouth.
Rayna wiped the baby's mouth and smiled at her. "Hey, there, sweet girl," she said, in a sing song voice. "You ready for mama to take you home? You ready to see daddy, precious girl?" Maddie squealed and waved her tiny arms and legs. Bucky cleared his throat behind her and she straightened up and turned to face him. She didn't like the look on his face. "What?" she said, with a frown.
He sighed. "So Sam just quit," he said, sounding frustrated.
She stood there with her hands on her hips. "Are you kidding me?" She rolled her eyes. "Why?"
Bucky shook his head. "He said you have unrealistic expectations," he said, with a smirk.
Rayna frowned. "I just want it to be perfect," she said, loudly. "Is that so wrong?"
Bucky tensed his jaw. "Good can be good enough," he said, knowing she wouldn't like that.
"No, Buck, good isn't good enough," she said tersely. Then she sighed. "So now what? We're three weeks away from starting this tour and I don't have a lead guitar player. What do we do now?"
Bucky took a deep breath. "There is a fix," he said, looking at her apprehensively.
Rayna looked at him evenly. She knew who he was referring to. "No," she said, shaking her head.
"Rayna, it might be our only option. We don't have a lot of time to get someone up to speed." He gave her a crooked smile. "And he is available."
"I can't do that, Buck, you know that," she said, still shaking her head. "Teddy would have a fit. And, well, it just wouldn't work. We can't work together and that be all it is."
"Why not, Rayna? I mean, you're happily married, you have a baby. So you used to be in a relationship. It doesn't mean you can't work together."
Rayna paced around the room, waving her arms in the air. "It's more than just that we used to be in a relationship, Bucky. You know that. It was so much more than that. It's too, I don't know, too volatile, or something. I don't think it would work. I don't even think he'd consider it." She could feel her hands shaking, her insides quivering. She couldn't possibly work that close with Deacon again, not after everything, not after Maddie. It was one thing to know Maddie was Deacon's daughter, it was another for him to be around all the time. She'd promised Teddy not to tell Deacon, but if he was that close to her every day, well, she just wasn't at all sure she could do that.
"Rayna, I think you can do it. You're the most professional artist I know. And I also know you want to have the best around you." He paused. "Deacon is the best. And you know that. And he knows you and how to work with you. Just set the boundaries, if you feel like you need to. But this is your career and we can't keep going on like this, with a rotating lead guitar situation. We're really out of time."
Rayna looked at her manager. She knew he was right, she couldn't keep doing this. She wasn't at all sure she could handle Deacon being in her band again though. She wasn't sure Deacon could handle it. He was still in that place where his recovery was so tentative. She kept hearing Coleman's voice in her head. You need to cut ties with him, Rayna, once and for all. If you don't, he won't ever get better. You need to stay out of his life and let him get this right. She closed her eyes and turned away. She could feel tears burning behind her eyes. She wasn't at all sure they could make this work.
~nashville~
Deacon was shocked to get the call from Bucky. "Are you sure?" he'd asked. "I mean, she said you could call me?"
"Yeah, she did. Are you available?"
He was still a little stunned. "Um, yeah," he said finally. This was what he wanted, a regular gig, but he never expected it would be with Rayna. Could it mean there was trouble with Teddy? He couldn't imagine her reaching out to him otherwise.
"We'll be out six months, with a break Thanksgiving week and a month between mid-December and mid-January. Ninety-five dates, half in arenas, Rayna's headlining them all." Bucky paused. "Any conflicts?"
Deacon was impressed. This would be Rayna's first tour headlining arenas. He felt proud of her, even though he knew he probably hadn't helped her. This was all her. "None."
"Well, Rayna would like for you to come by tomorrow, to Sound Check, so y'all can talk about the details." Bucky paused. "I need to make sure you understand that things would be different, Deacon. If y'all work this out."
Deacon felt his heart sink. "Sure, Buck. I get that," he said. "When tomorrow?"
"Come by about two. We're in the main rehearsal hall."
"I'll be there." When he hung up, he just sat, running his hands over his face. This was a call he'd never expected to get. He wondered why she'd reached out to him. Despite what Bucky said about things being different, he wondered if they really would be. His heart yearned for Rayna. He wanted to be able to show her he'd figured out how to fix this thing. That he could be the man she wanted him to be.
He felt anxious when he drove into the parking lot at Sound Check. He sat in his truck for a few minutes trying to calm his nerves. He breathed in and then breathed out in a whoosh. He got out of the truck and headed for the building. He hadn't been here in a while either. This was always where they rehearsed, but he hadn't been back here since Rayna had fired him from her band, back at the end of her last tour. Before Teddy, before her baby.
He wondered what she would be like. Would she be different? Look different? He supposed that Teddy was a lot more like what she was used to, growing up in Belle Meade. He probably wore suits to work and kept his hair trimmed neatly and was clean shaven. He probably didn't drink much, if he drank at all, and he certainly wouldn't get drunk. He wondered if Teddy was a good husband or if she'd just married him to get away from their life together. He scowled as he thought about it.
Coleman had warned him not to do this. Told him this was exactly what he didn't need to do right now. Deacon, she's poison to you. You know that. Why do this to yourself? Why put yourself in exactly the situation you've been trying to avoid? I know you're not over her. And if you are around her every day, with her not returning those feelings, how's that going to work?
He clenched his jaw as he thought about that. He understood what Cole was trying to do, but he thought there was a chance his sponsor was wrong about this. And even if he wasn't, he was sure he could handle it. He felt strong enough to handle it.
As he walked down the hall, he felt his steps get slower, more deliberate. His heart was beating out of his chest. He was trying not to have any expectations, but this was Rayna. Ray. He felt like he couldn't breathe as he reached the door of the rehearsal hall. He stood still and put his hand on the door knob. He closed his eyes and breathed in, then out. And then he pulled the door open.
Rayna still took his breath away. She somehow looked even more beautiful, if that was possible. Then he realized that it was because she looked rested and at peace. He couldn't remember the last time she'd looked like that when they were together. She'd always looked stressed or frantic or weary or angry, never rested or at peace.
He knew it had been a while since she'd had her baby, but she looked great. Her jeans hugged her long, lean legs, just like always. She had on an old Ryman t-shirt he remembered and a broken in pair of boots. Her hair was longer than he remembered, floating past her shoulders. She looked younger. He supposed that was because she no longer had to worry about him.
He felt like his chest was going to explode. He could hardly breathe. He couldn't believe he was actually standing here, with her. He'd thought about this moment – seeing her again – the whole time he was in rehab. Even though he'd known she'd gotten married and had a baby, somehow he kept imagining that she'd be waiting for him. Looking at her now made him feel like a knife had been stuck in his gut. He'd missed her and wanted her so much, but he couldn't have her. He took a deep breath, trying to stay calm.
She smiled, a little hesitantly. "Hey," she said, in that voice he heard in his dreams, all sweet and sexy.
He smiled back at her. "Hey, Ray," he said. "Thanks for calling. Or, I guess, having Bucky call."
She looked away for a moment, then back, nodding. "Thanks for coming by." She took a deep breath and then turned slightly, gesturing towards a table set up just below the stage. "Let's sit down."
They walked over and sat, on opposite sides of the table. Rayna looked at her hands, clenched in front of her. He noticed the large diamond ring and the wedding band on her left hand and he felt a little sick to his stomach. "How you been, Ray?" he asked, his voice soft.
She looked up. "Good," she said. "Really good." She bit down lightly on her bottom lip. "How about you?"
He sat back in his chair, his arms stretched out on the table in front of him. He wanted so badly to reach for her hands, but he knew he couldn't. "Me too." He gave her a lopsided smile. "Thirteen months sober. Well, in less than a week, it'll be that."
She seemed to relax a little then, giving him a smile that had some warmth to it. "I'm so glad, Deacon. I really am." She sat forward just a bit. "I'm so proud of you."
The silence stretched out between them. They'd never had problems talking to each other before, but everything was different now and he didn't know how that was going to work. He cleared his throat and sat up. "So Bucky said you need a lead guitar player," he said.
She looked down, then back up at him, and nodded. "Yeah, I do." She took a deep breath. "I don't know if it would be the right thing to have you come back, Deacon. I just want to be honest. There's been so much between us. And it might not be for good. But I need someone, right now, and you know me and how I like to perform, but…" She looked away, but not before he thought he caught the hint of tears in her eyes. "A lot would have to change," she said quietly.
He swallowed over a lump in his throat. "I get it, Ray, I do," he said. "Whatever you need me to do, I'll do it." His heart hurt so bad, sitting this close to her and knowing he couldn't have her. That she probably didn't really want him anymore. He knew she was doing this because she was in a bind. "Anything you want," he said. "I can make it work. I promise."
She looked at him then with an expression he couldn't quite read, but he knew he'd made hundreds of promises to her, maybe thousands, most of which he hadn't been able to keep. So he knew that he'd have to work hard to prove himself to her. She cleared her throat. "I'm not doing the real personal stuff we wrote together. You know, the obvious…love songs." He nodded. "I don't think we can write together, for now anyway. I need you to be here, every day, on time, for rehearsals, for sound checks, for performances." She raised her eyebrows at him.
"Ain't a problem, Rayna," he said. "I'm sober. I'll stay that way."
She breathed in. "I'll want you to go to meetings regularly when we're touring."
"I go to a meeting every day," he said, interrupting her. "I'll keep doing that."
She nodded. "Good." She clenched and unclenched her hands. He saw tension in her face. "I need to be able to rely on you, like before, for arrangements and stuff, and we'll need to be able to work together…professionally," she said. "And that's all it can be, Deacon." Her face softened a little. "I'm married now. And a mama. And that's the most important thing to me. You and me, we're just working together. Do you understand that?"
He nodded. "I do. I get it." He felt a dampness in his eyes he didn't want her to see, so he looked down. "You don't have to worry."
She was silent for a few moments. "Did you bring your guitar?" He looked up at her and nodded. She breathed out. "Why don't you go get it? We've only got three weeks before the tour starts and you have a lot to catch up on. Our set list is a lot of new stuff and I need you to get familiar with it and start thinking about arrangements."
He nodded. "Thank you, Rayna," he said. "I promise you won't be sorry."
She gave him a measured look, then nodded. "I hope not," she said.
Rehearsal went surprisingly well. Rayna had added quite a few songs Deacon wasn't familiar with, but he was confident he'd be ready by the time the tour buses pulled out in three weeks. He stuffed music sheets into his messenger bag to take home. He was comfortable with the stuff they'd done together. He felt a little sad that she wasn't doing some of their earlier songs anymore, but he understood. Especially now, with him back in her band. It would be awkward, for both of them.
He put his guitar in its case and closed it. He slid his messenger bag over his shoulder and picked up his guitar to leave. "Thanks, Deacon," came Rayna's voice behind him. "For doing this."
He put his things down and turned to face her. "Thank you for asking me, Rayna," he said, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets. "I'm guessing I was the last person on your list."
She fidgeted with her hands and looked down a second, then back up at him. "I'll be honest. I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do," she said. "It brings up, you know, a lot of stuff. Old stuff. Bad stuff." She raised her eyebrows. "I don't want to be wrong about this, Deacon. I went out on a limb for you. I can't have you mess this up."
He wondered, then, what she'd told Teddy about doing this. And what he might have said about it. He couldn't imagine Teddy was happy about it. "I know, Rayna," he said. "I don't wanna let you down."
She nodded, still fidgeting with her hands. "You can't, Deacon. You just can't." She bit her lip. "And I need you to respect the boundaries." He nodded. "I went out on a limb for you," she said again. Then he knew, that she'd had to fight Teddy for him. He fought the smile that wanted to play over his face, just breathing in deeply. "So, well, I need to get home. To Maddie."
He smiled at her, a little shyly. "Your little girl?" Rayna nodded. "I hope I get to meet her soon." He saw something in her eyes, then, that he didn't understand. And then it was gone.
"You probably will. I usually bring her with me, but, you know, she wasn't feeling good today, so Teddy stayed home with her." She took a couple steps back then. "I'll see you tomorrow, then," she said.
He nodded. "Yeah. Tomorrow." He watched as she turned and walked out without a look back or any hesitation in her footsteps. A warm feeling ran through him as he thought about the fact that she wanted him. Even if it was just as her guitar player, he was glad she was letting him back into her life. But his heart ached as he watched her leave, to go home to her husband and baby daughter. It hurt that she wasn't leaving to go home with him and that she might never do that again.
He sighed then and turned back to pick up his messenger bag and guitar case again. He looked around the rehearsal hall, glad to be doing this again, glad to have a steady job and be able to do what he loved. And be with the woman he loved, even if he never got the chance again to tell her that.
~nashville~
Rayna nearly dropped the keys, her hands were shaking so badly, as she unlocked her car. She got in, closed the door and breathed in and out slowly. Her heart was racing, butterflies were fluttering through her stomach. She had not been at all sure bringing Deacon back into her band would be a good thing. He certainly had not lost his touch as far as understanding her and what she needed, professionally speaking. But she had underestimated just how much having him around would affect her heart. Teddy had warned her, the day before, when she'd told him her plan. Actually he'd more than warned her, he'd blown up at her.
She was sitting at the kitchen table when Teddy came home from work. He walked in and kissed her on the cheek as he headed for the refrigerator. "How was your day?" he asked, as he pulled out the tea pitcher and then got a glass from the cabinet.
She watched him pour his tea and waited for him to sit down. "It wasn't the best of days," she said.
He frowned a little. "What happened?"
She smiled at him a little. She knew he didn't really understand her career, although he tried to be supportive. He hadn't been thrilled with her decision to go back to work so soon after Maddie had been born, but he'd put that aside when he'd realized how much it meant to her. "I lost another lead guitar player today," she said. "He said my expectations were too high."
Teddy's jaw clenched. "Surely there are other guitar players around," he said.
She nodded. "There are. But we're so close to the tour starting. I don't have a lot of time to try to break in someone new and get them accustomed to how I like to perform. It's a tricky thing, babe, trying to find the right chemistry and all that." She looked at him carefully.
She could see the twitch in his cheek. His eyes narrowed a bit. "Please don't tell me you're thinking about hiring Deacon Claybourne," he said, his voice low.
She swallowed hard. "Babe, he's the best. Plus he knows me. On stage. I'll be very clear on the boundaries…."
"I don't want him around Maddie," he said, his voice tinged with anger.
She made a face. "Don't be absurd, Teddy. He has no idea Maddie is his."
Teddy's face got red. "Maddie is mine, Rayna. But there's no reason for him to be around her. I don't want someone like that around my daughter."
She frowned at him. "Teddy, he's been sober for a year…."
Teddy looked at her incredulously. "Rayna, hasn't he managed to stay sober that long before? And then still fallen off the wagon? Have you forgotten how he destroyed you? How difficult your life was?"
She looked down at her hands. It was true. He'd managed to stay sober a little over a year the first time. He always tried hard. Even when he faltered, he'd work hard to get back on track. It was one of the reasons it was so hard to leave him. He was sincere in his attempts to stay sober, every time. But it was a sickness and it was hard, for him and for her. She sighed. "I think it's different this time, Teddy. I'm not available. He has to do this on his own. I know he doesn't want to be a drunk…."
Teddy laughed sarcastically. "I don't think anyone wants to be a drunk, Rayna. But he is. And he has a history of not being able to make it work. And let's forget about Maddie for a minute, but how can you ever trust him? He'll just blow things up all over again." He shook his head. "I'm going to tell you this is a very bad idea, Rayna." He breathed out. "No, actually I'm going to tell you not to do this. It's too risky."
She glared at him. "I'm the one taking the risk, Teddy. It's my career."
"I'm not talking about your career, Rayna, you can do whatever the hell you want about that. I'm talking about Maddie. If you're this close to him, I'm not sure I can trust you to keep our agreement."
She stood up and walked away from him. Before she left the room, she turned back. "I would never do anything to hurt our daughter," she said, through clenched teeth, her eyes flashing. "You know that. And I will never do anything to harm your relationship with her. But you're just going to have to trust me that I will honor our agreement."
Teddy shook his head, a sarcastic smile on his face. "I'll be watching, Rayna." He stood up as well, pointing his finger at her. "If you do this, you're doing it against my wishes. I don't want him around my daughter. Just remember, Rayna, you agreed to this. You asked for my help. Don't think I wouldn't tell him your part in this if you ever cross me on that." He walked over to her and took her arm, not gently but firmly. "Promise me, Rayna. Promise me you won't ever tell Deacon about Maddie."
She didn't like him threatening her. But she could also think of no way she could tell Deacon without it blowing up in her face. She pulled her arm away from Teddy. "You don't have to worry, Teddy," she said evenly. "I told you I wouldn't do anything to harm your relationship with Maddie, and I meant that. Now you'll just have to trust me." And then she turned and walked away from him, down the hall to Maddie's nursery.
She had told him the truth – she wouldn't say anything to Deacon. It was also true that she had no idea how she would even begin to blow up everyone's lives like that anyway. In reality, the moment she'd made that agreement with Teddy, back when she'd first found out she was pregnant, she'd known that it would be a very long time – if ever – before she could tell Deacon he had a daughter. And that meant she had to let him go, just like Coleman had told her she needed to. But now he was back, and they were stepping back into what used to be, in a way. She wasn't sure how this would go, if she could stay strong enough.
She stood in the doorway to Maddie's room, Teddy's words still echoing in her head, and once again, like she did nearly every day, she cried.