Heart on a String
~Dedicated to Sunblaze24~
A muffled sigh of aggravation left the lips of a lone masked ninja as his single eye scoured the overly packed shelf before him. Lifting a finger in the air, he began to tug at an item before changing his mind as soon as glitter instantly stuck to his finger, choosing the simple card beside it instead.
After a few seconds, he sighed once more and returned the card to its original place on the shelf before taking a step back. Staring down at his fingers, somehow his right hand was completely covered in a white sparkly dust.
He groaned, flicking his calloused fingers to get rid of the pesky substance. Trying to brush it off with his other hand, all he managed to do was just spread it to his left. Eyebrow twitching, he finally wiped both hands along the hem of his flack jacket that rested above his hips as a last resort.
Now he was shimmering in the light from the waist up.
Ugh.
Glaring back at the overly decorated aisle of different Christmas themed cards once more, he realized he must have paced up and down staring at the same shelves for nearly thirty minutes now. Retracting his hands within his pockets in defeat, he made a deep sigh before mumbling aloud, "Okay, no card."
Well, that's one decision. At least I'm getting somewhere.
He didn't really need one after all, did he? Most people threw them away months later and he really didn't have a clue what to say inside besides an obligatory season greeting and New Year well wishes scribbled in his terrible handwriting. He wanted it to at least mean a little more than that.
Besides, he had a bigger problem to worry about. What the heck was he going to give as a present?
Slouching as he pondered, he wished he didn't have to purposely torment himself over something that should be a simple Secret Santa gift. Normally he would just give a card with some spending money, or sometimes a box of sweets from a shop he heard that was good. He was never one for chocolates or desserts personally, but majority of people liked them and made a decent last minute gift.
Why did it have to be her?
The luck of the draw… or rather what he's now decided was simply cruel fate. All these years of denying his hidden feelings had finally caught up with him, and now he didn't know what to do with this heavy secret he's been carrying around with him for what felt like an eternity now.
Repressing emotions was something he learned to be good at ever since he was a kid. If he wanted to hide his sadness, he could. A mask simply made it all the more easier. It was his way of coping with the many losses in his life, but now that wall he had built was slowly becoming undone over a pink-haired woman who had known for nearly most of her life.
There were many things over the past few years he was grateful for in his life now, but she was the only person who could make his heart race without trying – and he could stop it no matter how much he tried. And damned did he ever try.
He sighed once again.
Making his way outside of the shop into the bustling crowds of Konoha, he adjusted his long yellow scarf a little tighter against the harsh cold wind as he wandered along with the steady stream of people in the marketplace. The glimmer of jewelry soon caught his eye, causing him to pause at an open stall to admire the different strings of necklaces and rings.
Does she even like jewelry?
He couldn't recall ever seeing her wear it very much. Out in the field, it wasn't very practical… however he remembered that she would sparingly wear something during her days off.
Trailing his fingers across the mixed selection of polished stones and crafted metals, he pulled back wondering if this was really the right type of gift he should choose. He shouldn't treat her present any different than other friends or teammates he had gotten in the past, but yet why couldn't he get past the idea of wanting to?
At least just this once?
Kakashi nervously pulled and tugged within the inside of his pockets as he stared down at the bottom of the large multicolored lit Christmas tree. Everyone's gifts had been snugly placed below. Glancing at his own small bag on the floor, he was seriously having second thoughts about his item choice.
He didn't think it would matter so much that she might not like it, but what if... it said too much? What if she realized the underlying feelings he's locked away inside this entire time? He was probably more afraid of that than anything else.
"Merry Christmas, Kakashi-sensei," a warm voice suddenly interrupted his thoughts. "Although it's still technically tomorrow."
Forming an eye-crinkle of a smile to hide a flutter of nerves that had suddenly scattered throughout his veins like startled birds, he immediately realized that it was her.
His hands clenched slightly in his pockets, briefly meeting a single eye to her green pair. "Merry Christmas, Sakura-san," he replied calmly despite how he felt otherwise.
Sakura smiled brightly before suddenly leaning in to take note of his jacket. Gently poking a finger along his side, she said, "Whoa, you're rather sparkly today."
"Unfortunately," he drawled.
"I like it," she decided, adding, "It's a good look for you."
Narrowing his lone eye at her growing teasing smirk, now he feeling even more embarrassed.
Humming in thought from his silence, she bit her cherry-colored lip as she turned her attention towards the base of the tree. "Oh, right. So who did you end up getting this year?"
"It wouldn't be called Secret Santa if I told you, now would it?" he replied with a raised brow.
Amused, she said, "Most people tend to blab first day."
"You mean Naruto."
Smiling with a chuckle, she nodded in agreement. "He certainly helps starting it off. Ino is never far behind either."
Hearing a sharp clinking, they both turned to find Tsunade tapping the side of an empty glass. "Alright everyone, gather 'round! Time for the gift exchange," she said loudly.
"I should help her pass them out. Do you plan on staying a little bit afterwards?" Sakura asked. "You're not going to go home early like you usually do, are you?"
Caught of guard of her question, he answered, "Oh, um... well, I guess I'm staying for a little bit. Can't pass up free food."
Rolling her eyes, she said, "Well either way, glad to hear it."
Before he could ask why, she had turned to step up towards the tree by their Hokage's side. Stepping back into the line of waiting people that was beginning to form, he quietly stood still watching Tsunade lower her dark red reading glasses to peer at the name tags attached to each present.
"Let's see… Shikamaru, Tenten, Shizune, Kakashi…" Tsunade read aloud before passing the gifts along to Sakura to hand out after each name.
When Kakashi walked up to receive his gift, Sakura curiously paused in letting go as she handed it to him, looking almost faintly embarrassed for some reason as she smiled. "Merry Christmas, Kakashi-sensei."
Inwardly a little puzzled as he took it, she continued to pass out the next batch of names as he went past the line of people to one of the open tables of the dining hall. Leaning against the wooden edge, he watched everyone else receive their own personalized gifts, including Sakura who had put hers aside until all of the presents were passed out.
Looking down at his present, he opened the creased tag attached to the handle to find out who his own Secret Santa was this year.
From… Sakura.
His heart clenched. Glancing up, he averted his eye from a pair of green ones that was looking his way. Out of everyone, she managed to draw his name as well? What were the odds of that?
Feeling his heart beat a little faster, he tried not to look flustered as he hesitantly looked back up towards Sakura once more. She was beginning to open her gift alongside her friends Ino, Tenten and Hinata.
"Not going to open yours, Senpai?" Yamato asked beside him, snapping Kakashi's eye back down to his bag. "If you don't want it, I'll take it," he jested.
"No, I am," he replied, slowly peeling away the red and green tissue paper inside while trying to hide the strange excitement he was suddenly feeling. "What did you get, Tenzo?"
Taking out a box, Yamato rattled it twice. "Looks like chocolate covered almonds. It's one of my favorites, so not too bad. What about you?"
Reaching inside, Kakashi felt something soft before pulling it out. Setting the bag down on the table, he hummed until it was completely revealed. "Ah, a scarf."
"Hey, that looks pretty nice," his friend commented.
Running a finger along stitched ends the dark crimson color, it seemed like it was handmade quite well. Perhaps she had gotten it from one of the local clothing shops in Konoha's marketplace he had visited earlier? No matter where it was frome, he certainly appreciated it.
Looking up, Sakura was cheerfully chatting with a few friends now. He inwardly cursed having missed her reaction towards her own gift. Having gotten so increasingly worried about it throughout the day, maybe it was for the best that he didn't… he shouldn't have made it out to be such a big deal. It didn't need to be.
Unwinding his old scarf from around his masked neck, he replaced it with his new one which he instantly liked. It just felt a lot warmer, but perhaps it was because it was from her that made him feel that way.
With a sad hidden smile, he felt a little empty knowing she could never see him as he did towards her. He needed to accept that... He needed to let go.
Casting Sakura a final look as music began to play, his lone eye noticed several different people beginning to pair up to dance out in the open floor. Packing up his gift bag and neatly folding it over, he unzipped his flak jacket for a moment to place it inside.
"Kakashi, you're not leaving already, are you?" Yamato asked in concern.
"Yeah, I'm still pretty tried from the mission I finished yesterday," he lightly lied, sheepishly rubbing the back of his silver hair after he zipped up his jacket. "I'd rather just catch up on sleep tonight."
Studying the fellow shinobi like he really didn't believe it, Yamoto shook his head with a sigh. "Well alright. Take it easy then, and Merry Christmas, Senpai."
Forming an eye-crinkle of a smile, Kakashi added, "You too."
Slipping out the back into the white blanket of fresh snow, he knew in the back of his mind that it was always better this way. The longer he stayed, the more envy he felt seeing close friends at her side when he wanted so much to be there instead.
It's easier to let go this way.
But deep down he knew how it his feelings hadn't changed towards her in over a year now.
Soon.
He always tells himself.
Soon.
Sighing, he watched as the heat of his breath rose and disappeared towards the cloudy dark gray sky. He really loved quiet cold nights like this. The rows of lanterns in the streets made the surrounding snow glow a beautiful hue of amber. Never being much of a fan for holidays, that was at least one thing he looked forward to every winter.
Taking a few crunching steps forward, he stalled when he heard the rusted door he had just used a moment ago creak open from behind. Turning over his shoulder, he was met a small frown.
"Kakashi, I thought you were going to stay…" Sakura called out in disappointed voice. Walking forward as she slipped her winter gloves on to each hand, she slowly approached closer.
Fingers curling within his pockets from his nerves, he turned fully around to face her as he tried to think of something to say. "Ah, well… I…"
Out of all the excuses ranging from silly to serious that came to mind, nothing seemed good enough to hide the fact that she was making his heart skip a beat where he stood.
Sakura reached a finger to the thin chain at the base of her neck, pulling the ornate wooden carving that was hanging at the center. Taking the initiative to fill the silence, she said, "I wanted to thank you for the gift. It's very pretty."
"Glad you like it. Did you figure out how it works?"
She glanced down with a curious look. "Oh, what do you mean?"
"If you press it from the sides, um…" He hesitated before moving a step towards her, carefully taking the small trinket from her hand into his own. "If you press right here at the same time, it detaches."
Holding it up, it revealed the small dagger from within. "It seemed very kunoichi appropriate. Beautiful, but deadly," he mused.
"Is that how you see me, Sensei?" she asked with a light smile.
Heart drumming beneath his seemingly indifferent exterior, he felt it was too late to back peddle out of his choice of words to save him from his own embarrassment. "What, you don't see it?" he asked in a humored voice.
Somehow the small moment of silence after his question felt like it stretched for minutes instead of seconds, but as she sweetly chuckled from his comment, he could have sworn she was hiding a blush.
Was she?
Letting the necklace fall back into her gloved hand, he brushed a finger against one of the tasseled ends of his scarf. "Thank you for my gift, by the way. It was about time I retired my old one."
She grinned, reaching out above his hand to neatly adjust the overlay of the scarf to her liking. "You're quite welcome. What you have there is my knitting experiment subject number fifty three. I think it looks good on you."
"Fifty three?" He erupted with single laugh before realizing, "Wait, you made this?"
Nodding proudly, she playfully dusted her hands before placing them above her hips. "Impressed?"
He made a large shrug. "Meh."
Sakura's mouth fell open in shock at the insult, lightly smacking him in the arm. "Jerk."
"I'm just kidding," he replied, noticing the red in her cheeks hadn't disappeared yet which he thought might have been a blush from before. Figuring she must be getting cold, he added, "You should head back inside before you catch a cold."
"You don't catch colds from the weather," she stated with a matter-of-factly look.
He narrowed his lone eye. "Okay, then you should head back inside before you freeze to death."
About to retort, she paused before sweeping a glance him over. Humming in thought, she asked, "And then what about you?"
"I'm heading home. It's a block away, so I think I'll make it… maybe."
Warmly smiling beneath his mask, he looked away from her piercing light colored eyes as small flurries of snow began to slowly fall between them. Turning back towards the road to leave, he lifted his hand as a goodbye without another word. The sounds of his steps didn't go too far before hearing the call of his name.
"Kakashi… Can't you stay? You always leave early…"
His chest felt heavy as he stopped in his tracks. Did she really want him to? But what for? "I'm not much of a party person, Sakura," he murmured.
She sighed. "It's just that… every time you always seem to leave before I can ask…"
Unsure of what she could ever possibly want to ask him, he turned to his side ever so slightly with intrigue. A million things ran across his mind of questions she might ask, but he didn't have the faintest idea of what she was talking about.
Pursing his lips beneath his mask in thought, he looked towards her and said, "Ask… Ask me what?"
Suddenly appearing shy, she stared towards the ground with her hands behind her back. "To dance with me," she said softly.
He wasn't sure if he had heard right. "To… what?"
Clearing her throat to work up her courage, she appeared a little more confident this time, squarely looking him in the eye as she repeated, "To dance."
Out of all the things for her to want, he couldn't have expected that. He wasn't sure why she would from him of all people. He was pretty sure mentioned plenty of times in past social gatherings that he had two left feet. He never danced with anyone and began making it a habit to avoid it all together.
Was she just making up a random excuse to try get him to return back inside?
He sighed, scratching the back of his silver hair at a loss of words.
"I've wanted to ask you for the longest time, but you always leave before I ever get a chance to," she spoke up.
Shaking his head, he reasoned, "There are lots of other people who you could dance with, Sakura…"
"It doesn't change the fact I want to with you. Not someone else."
His heart was racing. What did she mean by it? "But…why?"
With a hopeful smile and a teasing shrug, she replied, "Why not?"
He wasn't sure what to say, but was growing more flustered by the moment. He felt conflicted between the yearning of his heart and the logic of his mind. She couldn't have meant anything more than a friend. She couldn't have known how she affected his nerves so much just by standing there.
This all had to have been some kind of joke.
It just wasn't possible, no matter how much he wanted to wish it so. It was wishful thinking, and he knew how much that wouldn't bring him any kind of good. Besides, he felt she deserved so much better than a growing old man who was too afraid to voice his feelings out of childish fear.
Snow landed and tickled the bridge of his nose, melting into the dark fabric of his mask as he stared out towards the buildings, too scared to seriously ask her to tell him why she wanted him to stay. There weren't many things in his life he was afraid of, but he was of her answer. He was far too tired of feeling disappointment, and would rather avoid it than take a chance.
Searching for anything to fill the silence, he finally said, "I should go-"
"-I'm not going to let you go until you dance with me at least once," she cut in.
She was making this so much harder than it needed to be. Couldn't she just let him go? She always would like everyone else, but why not now? "Sakura…"
"If you're worried about dancing with me in front of other people, then right out here will do," she added.
He let out a heavy sigh by the look of determination in her eyes. He knew that look well and her stubbornness to not give up. It was a trait he appreciated except when it involved him in some way. No matter if it was in life or the battlefield, there was no turning back once she had made up her mind about something.
The question of why was still hovering at the edge of his lips, but as he glanced around the empty streets, he finally shrugged with a hesitant nod. He could get this over with quick and go home without getting his muddied feelings in the way. "Alright, you win. Out here, I guess."
Sakura seemed surprised that he agreed, blinking at first before registering that he really said it was alright. "Oh, okay…"
As she approached, Kakashi awkwardly held out in hands in a clueless fashion of how she wanted to do this dance. He felt as out of place as a scarecrow standing out in the middle of a barren field.
She laughed lightly, taking his hands into hers before placing them around her waist. "Just like this is fine. We can save ballroom dancing for next time."
He lightly scowled. "Uh-huh."
Barely touching her like she was as fragile as glass, she suddenly wrapped her arms around his neck best she could for her height, pulling him closer against her small frame. He stiffened, feeling himself blushing against his will.
Looking towards the building snow at their feet, he tried to think of ways of how to pull away. This was a mistake. Being this close and barely touching her waist was setting his nerves on fire.
"You know music would probably be helpful," he mumbled.
Humming in agreement, she replied, "Probably."
After a moment, her fingers melted from his broad shoulders to his arms, placing her head comfortably against his chest. Unsure how to react, he unconsciously held her a little tighter as they swayed side to side in the middle of the vacant road. He wasn't sure what to feel. It felt so right in so many ways, but for every reason he thought of why he felt the way he did, he added another of why he shouldn't.
She's amazing, beautiful and talented.
She's a former student. She's too young. He's too old and she's too different from him in so many ways.
Stopping her small movements which caused him to stand still, she shifted her arms now into more of a hug as she whispered, "Kakashi…"
He wasn't sure why he found himself holding his breath like a sigh would give his internal warring thoughts away. "Mm?" he hummed.
"Your heart's beating really fast."
His face drained of what little color was left as he stood in horror, releasing her from his arms that were cinched at her waist, but she wouldn't let go.
"I've always hoped that maybe somehow you liked me…" she confessed. "That's why I've wanted to dance with you for the longest time, but you always leave before I can… a heart doesn't lie, Kakashi... Can't you feel mine?"
Swallowing down the knot forming in his throat, he looked down to find her staring up at him with a genuine hopeful smile. Moving back, she took his hand and gently placed his fingers beneath her thick jacket above her heart. He could feel her pulse race…
He couldn't believe it. "But…"
"You're kind of hard to approach, you know," she said with a blush. "But I like you… and what I want is to get to know you on a different level, Kakashi. I want to know your likes and dislikes. And yes, your hobbies too besides reading certain orange books," she said with a teasing poke to his side. "I want to know what makes you smile and what doesn't…"
She paused, seemingly hesitant at her next few words. "What is it that you want, Kakashi?"
"I…"
He was so stunned that he couldn't even form a single coherent thought. How could something that he wanted actually be true? She liked him? She really liked him? Never did anything that he truly wanted to actually happen. There was a point in his life where he decided he just didn't deserve any happiness. Always losing the people he loved or cared about, it was like it was never meant to be. All he could think was that it was karma's twisted way of punishing him for his past mistakes and regrets over and over again…
And now he suddenly had the chance at happiness…
"I d-don't… I," he barely fumbled out.
It was so easy to think of the excuses not to just a moment ago, but as he stood before her and watched snow catch within her pink locks as she patiently waited for an answer, he couldn't dream past of anything else other than this moment right now. He still couldn't believe it was real.
Tenderly brushing the back of his knuckles against her cold cheek, a single finger carefully trailed along her jaw, tilting her small chin upwards. He leaned in, pulling at the edge of his mask with his other hand just before their lips met into a kiss.
Smiling as he broke away before she stole another kiss, he whispered, "You."
The End
[ Author Note: Hi, yes, I realize this is all incredibly cheesy.
This oneshot is dedicated to my dear friend Sunblaze. Months ago we had a small bet between us, and whoever "won" had to make something for the other (yes, strange I know).
He wanted something on the theme of dancing and while I was searching for something to try and do for the holidays (super late since January is nearly over, but… it's still winter?), I wanted to try and combine the two.
Sorry for any mistakes, unbetaed – and I'm really rusty.
Hope you liked though! And thanks to anyone reading. ]