author's notes: don't judge me, okay? the person who stuck this idea in my head knows who they are. blame them.
i saw no difference
Hermione was really getting sick of her husband. It wasn't his fault, and she knew it, but he was currently getting on every single one of her nerves simply by existing.
And breathing. He breathed too loudly.
She told him so.
He held his breath for a full two minutes until his face began turning red and Hermione screamed at him to stop.
Severus Snape was going to annoy the hell out of her by the time her cycle was over.
•
Similarly, Severus found his wife both endearing and frustrating. Mostly frustrating, though.
After the breathing fiasco — which Severus has considered merely a bit of breath play; nothing serious — Hermione demanded an entire bar of chocolate and then yelled at him because — oh woe — the wrapper was wrinkled.
She'd accused him of eating her chocolate for five minutes, reprimanded him for ten, and then opened up the bar and realised that her precious chocolate hadn't been touched.
•
Hermione was tired of Severus being annoyed because she was annoyed because he was annoying. So she pulled out a revenge spellbook Ginny had given her as a Christmas present and found a PMS spell.
Perfect.
Revenge was going to be sweet. And hilarious.
•
Hermione waited until her cycle was over to cast the spell. It wouldn't do to have Severus realise what she was doing.
But three weeks after hers ended, and just before the new cycle, she cast the spell on her husband in the middle of the night. Just one whispered incantation, and victory would soon be hers.
•
Severus woke up the next morning with a horrible ache in his lower abdomen. It felt like he needed to use the loo, but when he locked himself in the bathroom, he sat there and nothing happened. The pain stayed.
Finally giving up, he dressed, uncomfortably aware that his nipples were very sore and tender, even against the soft cotton of his undershirt. He came out to breakfast wearing the scowl that had mostly disappeared after beginning to court Hermione.
His wife took one look at him and asked if he was well.
"No, I'm bloody not," he shot back. "I feel like going back to bed with four blankets and sleeping the day away, to hell with my job.."
Hermione smirked inwardly. "That sounds terrible, love," she said soothingly but dismissively, the way Severus spoke to her when she was PMSing. "Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea?"
"Tea," came the short response. Severus grimaced and bent slightly. "Is there anything that might help this...ache?"
Hermione pretended she had no idea what kind of ache Severus was talking about, and proceeded to ask him several questions before prescribing a hot water bottle to take with him to work.
"It should help," she said.
Her disgruntled husband left, and Hermione collapsed in her chair, laughing tears.
•
When he got home, Hermione was making spaghetti and meatballs. Severus smelled the onions cooking and he turned a little green.
"Lie down, love," Hermione urged. "I'll bring you some tea and a new water bottle." He did so, and she set about heating the water. "How was work today?"
"Horrible," griped Severus. "My boss — a Potions Master, so says his degree — managed to melt no less than five cauldrons in a span of two hours."
Hermione brought her husband the promised treats, and he took them with a sigh of relief. "Thank you."
"Dinner should be ready shortly," Hermione called from the kitchen.
Severus made a face. "I'm not hungry...do we have any chocolate or ice cream?"
"Both, I think." Hermione pulled out a bar of Honeyduke's and a half-full tub of vanilla ice cream. She brought both in to the sitting room and gave them to Severus. He dug in immediately, but...
"Who ate my ice cream?" he demanded.
Hermione raised her hand. "That would be me."
"Why? You knew I was going to have some!"
"Actually," countered Hermione, "I had no idea. But I'm sorry anyway," she said.
"Fine," muttered Severus. "Just don't eat anymore."
"I won't," Hermione promised.
•
Hermione took the spell off later that night. She loved her husband, but PMS was bad enough when it was hers; when it was Severus', it was positively unbearable.
She didn't tell him this when Severus found out what she'd done. Instead, she looked him straight in the eye and said, "I saw no difference."
word count: 743