Bitter Sweet Smile
A Tsumugi "Mugi" Kotobuki and Azusa Nakano Fanficiton
Summary: Nice girls like me always get a bitter sweet ending.
Rating: M
Genre: Tragedy, Friendship, Romance
Warnings: Trigger warning for attempted suicide and depression.
Word Count: 1231
Disclaimer: I don't own K-ON!, but I hope that you enjoy this fanfiction.
Her smile was not meant to last forever.
As she sits on the edge of a building, legs kicking slowly in the cool wind, she smiles, lips quivering, pursed at the corners, dry from the cold morning. She tugs her scarf closer and smooths down her skirt, playing with the slightly frayed hem, curling the loose thread between her index finger and thumb. It cuts in deep to the joints, and her fingers turn white. She snaps the thread and they blossom back to a soft pink.
She wishes she had another choice, but she knows that alas and alack, the Light Music Club will continue on without her into college, into marriage, into adulthood, and into the remainder of their lives. She knows that her takuan thick eyebrows can bear no more weight from her constantly crinkled brow, that the corners of her eyes burn raw from tears, and that her throat is blotchy and tight from keeping quiet. Her shoulders droop, heavy from lies, from sadness, from exhaustion.
She knows there is no answer.
She knows there is no reason why she feels this way.
She just does.
Isn't that enough?
Tsumugi Kotobuki knows that no matter how much money she has, no matter how many exotic trips she takes, no matter how much she smiles, nothing will fix this crippling depression she feels.
She knows that Yui's naive and carefree attitude won't serve as a balm. That Ritsu's class clown manner won't make her smile. That Mio's timid, caring kindness won't rock her to sleep at night. That Azusa's stern attitude won't silently remind her to push herself hard. Even Sawako isn't enough.
Nothing is.
Tsumugi Kotobuki knows that at eighteen, she is done, and that that must suffice for her in this very instant. That thought alone comforts her as she stands and makes sure her uniform, crisp and freshly pressed, looks presentable and that her hair, straight and glossy, looks neat. She comforts herself with the thought that in the next moment, she will fall and die, and that in her next life, she can do better.
Snow begins to fall.
Like the thick, wet snowflakes, Tsumugi takes comfort in the notion that she will gently float down and will melt away into the Earth.
Like the snow, she too can disappear into the twilight sky.
She takes in a cold breath, ice thickening in her lungs. She looks nice, in the scarf the girls gave her. It will be her last thank you to the world. She pulls it tight, rocking back and forth on her brown loafers. She tucks it snug and takes one last, deep breath.
And she jumps, flinging herself into the night.
She flies through the air for forty five glorious feet, arms and legs flung haphazardly. For one instant, the world focuses on her as she flies like a broken crane to the asphalt sidewalk.
Her body hits the ground with a sound thud, neck snapping to the right, hair falling about her in a golden brown halo. She hears a scream, the pitter-patter of feet, and she sees Mio's slender legs, Yui's leggings, Azusa's sneakers, and Ritsu's drumsticks as she shuts her eyes. Her head rests in a pool of blood as virbant as the center of a sakura blossom, as rich as a ruby. The snow brings a comforting numbness, and soon, her guilt fades. Her heart slows and she exhales, snowflakes floating up into the still Japanese night.
It burns to wake up.
Mugi jerks awake, her eyes burning from the bright white lights. She ponders if this is Heaven, Purgatory, Tian, or the shores of Nirvana. But the beeping of the heart monitor, the shuffle of feet, the silence and weight of the cold, sterile air make her realize that she is in a hospital. She opens her mouth to talk, to scream in anger, to shout, but the only thing that comes out is a chocked gasp. It sounds raspy and old, and in that moment, she wonders if she is in Hell. Her body awakens, burning and stiff, and she cries out once more, a rasp as she shuffles in her sheets.
The first one to grab her is Yui. She wraps her arms about Mugi, pressing so hard on the cords connected to her that the heart monitor speeds up. A nurse rushes in, but leaves the girls be as Ritsu, Mio, and even Sawako rush over to Mugi's side. Only Azusa remains in the chair, bound to it by gravity. Mugi's eyes dash about wildly, searching for her. The girls clear once they realize she is still mute, and Azusa comes into stark relief. A tear slides down Mugi's right cheek, and slowly but surely, one trickles down Azusa's left, falling onto the lapel of her blazer.
Weakly, croaking, Mugi manages to say, "Please". It's weak and timid, as if she's ashamed, but in a way, it's strong enough to pull Azusa into her arms. The girls collide and weep, arms wrapped around one another, kisses falling onto Mugi's bruised crown, onto her thick eyebrows, onto her lips.
"Out three days," Azusa manages. You were out three days." Mugi's not sure that's what the girl said.
Azusa slaps her shoulders, breaking their embrace. Snot drips from her nose, tears from her eyes, and her body shakes with sadness, anger, guilt, and relief. Mugi smiles weakly, eyes cast down. Her chest feels heavy, as if it were close to collapsing inward. She lefts out a cry, this one stronger, and fresh tears rush down her face. She looks about herself as best she can: it's hard with the brace aroud her neck. She can see from the corners of her eyes that her arms are bruised purple, yellow, black and blue and that she has a bulge where her left leg is.
Her chart says that she broke her larnyx, but that she will recover. Her arms are bruised, a wrist sprained, her left leg broken in two places, and her skull mildly damaged. Enough that she'll have a headache for a bit, but not enough to take away her music.
Most likely, she won't be standing up to play at the next concert. This makes her laugh.
Even still, she'll recover. She laughs more, a sound akin to coughing and hacking and wheezing.
Azusa doesn't even flinch.
An hour later, the girls have left. All but Azusa. She lays curled up like a cat next to Mugi, arms about her waist. Soft snores exit her soft lips, and her chest rises and falls to a silent, slow tempo.
Mugi can't promise to instantly change. She can't say sorry for trying to die, for giving up. But she can try to love herself, to be honest, to not lie. She knows its alright now to smile now, and knows that Azusa and the girls will never fault her.
She knows that this might happen again, that the depression might drive her to sink, to drink, to die once more.
She knows that Azusa knows this too, and that it might further damage, splinter their relationship.
But she knows most of all that Azusa will never leave her because of that.
And that is enough to fade away her bitter sweet smile.
And for now, that's all she needs as she closes her eyes and falls back asleep.
Notes:
Takuan is pickled radish. Mugi's eyebrows are typically referred to as this because of their thickness.
Tian is the Chinese version of Heaven and translates to "Sky" or literally translates to "Heaven.
Being on the shores of Nirvana means that you have reached enlightenment. You have the choice then to continue onto Nirvana or turn away and teach and aid others to reach Nirvana.