Title: Clueless
Author: Fuwa-chan
Words: 1,733
Pairings: Ren/Ichi, mentions of Grimm/OC, Di-Roy/OC(XD Only one of my fics would contain Di-Roy of all people with an OC.)
Warnings: crack, innuendo like none other, language, etc.
Summary: He has a headache. He also has a boyfriend who is hyper, house invaders who decided drinking as much as you can on a Wednesday night sounded alright to them, and lots and lots of sake. This was going to be a long night(and next day).
A/N: ...Yeah. Pretty much on crack when I wrote this. (No, not literally.) My idea of humor(you might need water, it's a bit dry) and well...crack.
--
God, I need some aspirin, Renji thought as he watched Ichigo bounce up and down on the couch at the sight of some televison show whose characters all looked like cut-outs and had really annoying voices. Speaking of annoying voices...
"NII-SAN!" he heard from the dining room. Sighing, he made his way back there.
See, here's the story. It's a Wednesday night. Everything was going fine; he and Ichigo had planned on settling down and watching a movie, eating dinner, then going to bed(well, maybe not straight to bed, because what was the fun in that?).
Everything was going great; they'd ordered take-out in lieu of Ichigo cooking(Renji was sure it was delicious but after his sister told him how he'd nearly burned her kitchen down he swore he'd never let the boy around anything that contained fire, including the water heater), and it was a nice quiet evening. Well, until Ichigo started getting hyper.
Renji doesn't know how it happened. He swears that the resturaunt that they always ordered from MUST have dumped sugar into Ichigo's food or something. Just because he was late on paying the tab once, they'd made his life(and food) a living hell ever since.
Don't get him wrong, Renji could handle a hyper Ichigo. He'd done it plenty of times before after all. A little seduction here, a promise of handcuffs later and Ichigo was good to go. Just fine, right?
Well, until his sister and her boyfriend showed up.
Not that he didn't like his sister or anything, it's just well. She was set on having a party(even though he reminded her several times that they both had work in the morning) and had even thrown the guest list in his face and told him to start calling.
Well, nothing could possibly go wrong, right?
If Renji could go back in time, he'd stab himself several times over for ever thinking that thought.
So here he was, catering food like a waiter or something back and forth between the drunkards in the dining room(his sister Senritsu, her boyfriend Di-Roy, his own ex-girlfriend Kurobijin, her boyfriend Grimmjow, and all of their mutual friend Ikkaku. Well, minus Renji and Grimmjow. None of those three got along), and his own boyfriend flipping madly through channels and laughing everytime he would hear a stupid sounding sentence through the mess. (1)
By the time he reached the dining room, Ichigo was already calling his name, but his sister insisted he stayed and play I've Never with them. He hated that game. It always seemed like everyone plotted against him with things like, I've never had bright red hair, I've never gotten a tattoo, etc. He knew they all just liked seeing him drunk; he let go of all inhibitions if you got enough sake in him.
"I've never...danced around the room without my pants on!" Ikkaku said triumphantly, pounding his own cup on the table. The room became dead silent.
"...who the fuck would do something so fucking retarded?" Grimmjow slurred slightly, already feeling the effects of his own 4 cups of sake.
Timidly, Kurobijin took a sip. Again the room fell silent, staring at the only occupant to take a drink before death glares were all sent their way and they decided it was time to continue the game.
All eyes fell on Renji as the game fell in his hands. Sighing, he pushed a few strands of loose hair out of his eyes before they heard whining from the doorway.
"Reeeenn...I've been calling your name for--ooh! I've never! I wanna play!" he proclaimed, shoving Senritsu aside and plopping himself down next to Renji. Senritsu pouted from her position on the floor.
Grimmjow smirked. "Calling his name, huh? I bet that's were all those stains on the--" he was silenced by Renji throwing an extra sake cup at his head.
Senritsu had prompted that Di-Roy's lap was more comfortable than the chair anyway and took a seat.
All eyes fell back on Renji. "I've never...used any kind of pick up line."
Ikkaku squirmed in his seat, hoping no one would remember. Kurobijin glared and he drank.
Everyone then turned to look at Ichigo. "I've never...fallen off of the bed."
Grimmjow looked uncomfortable. "Does being thrown off count?"
Everyone at the table turned to look at Kurobijin, who was smirking.
"Yes," Ichigo said, and Grimmjow cursed under his breath as he took a sip.
"Oh! Oh!" Senritsu said with her hand in the air, looking excited. "I've been thinking this whole time, and I finally got it!"
In the chair next to the couple, Kurobijin rolled her eyes.
"I've never been inside Wal-Mart."
"What's Wal-Mart?" came the simultaneous reply from Grimmjow and Di-Roy.
Senritsu looked offended. "You mean you've never heard of Wal-Mart?!" she cried.
Renji scoffed. "What are so offended for? You've never even been inside."
Senritsu pouted and crossed her arms. Di-Roy looked up at her and smiled before turning to address the rest of the table. "I've never slept with more than one person."
Everyone at the table minus Senritsu and Di-Roy cursed as they all took sips. Grimmjow sneered.
"I'll get you back, loser. I know all your stupid little secrets."
Di-Roy wasn't fazed.
Kurobijin had leaned her head on her hand and started circling the rim of her cup with her finger when it came back to her turn. "I'm getting bored with this game. What about one more turn; mine of course, then we'll quit?"
The shinigami all agreed. Then she locked eyes with Renji and smirked. "I've never had sex on a bus."
Renji cursed while Ichigo turned bright red and they both took a drink. Ikkaku looked mildly interested. "When was this?" he asked.
Renji flushed slightly and lowered his head. "Three weeks ago. On a mission."
Everyone at the table snickered except for Di-Roy and Senritsu. "What's a bus?" they asked simultaneously before Senritsu burst out into laughter. (2)
The room grew silent, except for Senritsu's dying snickers. Renji blinked. "You've never seen a bus?"
Senritsu shook her head. "What's it like?"
"It's big and long," Grimmjow cut in. "And people ride on it."
Ikkaku nodded. "Sometimes people have to pay money. But a lot of times it's free. It depends on where you're at."
Di-Roy and Senritsu turned to look at each other and blushed. "That's what you call it?"
Everyone at the table looked confused before Kurobijin finally caught on, slamming her hand down on the table. "It's a form of transportation, baka!"
Senristu blushed even more. "Oh! You mean like a car?"
Kurobijin nodded, and suddenly the rest of the table caught up with the joke.
Grimmjow and Ikkaku were dying laughing, Renji shook his head, and Ichigo blushed.
Ikkaku stood up and stretched. "Well, love to keep partying with you losers but Yumichika's expecting me home soon."
Grimmjow smirked. "Whipped," he said. Ikkaku glared. "This coming from the guy who cowers at the sight of his girlfriend's glare?"
That infamous glare was sent his direction, and he faltered slightly. "Um, I'll be going now," he said before making a dash out of the door. He had barely made it out of the room before Kurobijin looked bored again. "What shall we do now?" she asked, casually punching Grimmjow in the face as he tried to snake one of his hands up her leg.
Senritsu jumped up, surprising Di-Roy. "I know! I know!" she said, sounding much like a little kid. "Twister!"
"NO!" came the reply from the entire room.
"I wanna play Twister!" she whined, pouting and crossing her arms.
"Shut up you whiny little brat!" Kurobijin yelled. Senritsu pouted even more, turning to Di-Roy for comfort. He simply pulled her back down into his lap, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her hair. He always was the lightweight when it came to drinking, and he was starting to feel sick.
Renji sighed, looking at the clock. It read 1:17 am. "Well, we do have work tomorrow..." he said.
Senritsu looked at him. "You have work tomorrow, you mean. I have no intention of coming in." Behind her, Di-Roy smirked into her hair where no one could see him.
Renji sighed for the 50th time that night. He knew his sister wouldn't give up on that. She was far too stubborn. Briefly, he thought of where she possibly could have picked up that trait.
Kurobijin smirked standing up and pulling Grimmjow by the hand along with her. "I think we're going home. Other things to do, you know." Grimmjow smirked, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her.
Renji rolled his eyes. "Alright, me and Ichi'll walk you to the door."
As soon as they all left the room, Senritsu pouted again. "I still wanna play Twister."
Di-Roy smirked, leaning in to whisper in her ear. "If we leave now, we can play our own version of Twister at home."
Senritsu blushed, then grinned. "I like that idea," she said before twisting around to give him a brief kiss on the lips.
Renji walked back in the room. "What are you guys going to do?"
Senritsu jumped up. "We're going home too. S'been fun though, brother."
She hugged him, then turned to smile brightly at Ichigo. "Sorry, Ichi-kun, but we're leaving."
Ichigo shrugged before hugging her quickly. "S'ok. I'll see you tomorrow?"
Senritsu looked quickly back at Di-Roy before shrugging. "We could do lunch," she said. Ichigo smiled. "Alright, then."
Di-Roy stood up and shook Renji's hand. "See ya, Abarai-san."
Renji nodded and led them to the door. Once it was shut and they were gone, he turned back to Ichigo and smiled., He had considerably come down from his sugar high.
Ichigo walked up to him and wrapped his arm's around the taller man's waist. Renji sighed and nuzzled his face into the younger's soft orange hair.
"Renji?" he heard Ichigo ask, muffled from his chest.
"Yeah?" he said, running a hand down his spine, feeling the boy shudder.
Ichigo looked up and grinned. "Tag you're it!" he called, hitting him in the chest and racing off, giggling.
Renji sighed and ran a hand through his hair, taking it down from it's ponytail.
He stood, contemplating for a moment before smiling.
Maybe he could wear him down enough to finally go to sleep. ...Or maybe they could finally watch that movie.
--
(1) Have you ever flipped through the channels and heard some stupid sounding sentence collaborated from people on different channels? That's what he's doing.
(2) Ever said something at the same time as someone else, then broke out laughing? Yeah.
Yeah, it's stupid. I was in a stupid kind of mood.