AN: After reading 13 Reasons Why, I had to write this. It's a short one, but I hope you'll like it.
Decisions
A Thirteen Reasons Why Fanfic
Bang! The door slams shut and I lean against it, sobs escaping from my mouth. My backpack is squished in between me and the door. I move slightly forward and the backpack straps slide off my shoulders. I unzip the backpack and my hand reaches inside, pulling out the tape recorder. I take out the final tape and turn it over in my hands.
Mr. Porter, you're one hell of a counselor.
The backpack drops to my feet and sit down on my bed, not even bothering to kick off my shoes. To my left are the rest of the tapes, along with the blank tapes from Tony which will be copies. I set the tape recorder down and with the final tape in my hand, I grab the bottle of blue nail polish off my nightstand.
Wiping tears away, I paint the number thirteen on the top right corner and gently blow on it. Then I place the tape and nail polish back on the nightstand and turn back to the other tapes.
So I'll need seven tapes to make the copies. I count them. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... eight?
An extra tape.
Putting the will-be copies back aside, I take the extra tape in my hand. Should I give it back to Tony? He might need it for something. Or maybe he gave me extra tapes on purpose. Maybe he knew I needed them more.
I do need this extra tape. Will I release it with the others? No. If I did, then I would record it on the other side of Mr. Porter's tape, wouldn't I? And this is a personal reason, so...
I put the tape in the recorder, grab the mic, and hit "Record."
Hello again, boys and girls. Hannah Baker still here. … This is a personal reason why I decided to kill myself. I'm not sure if I'm ever going to release this tape, which is why I'm recording on a brand new tape instead of the back of Mr. Porter's tape.
I guess I'm addressing you all because I feel like I need to talk to someone. To feel like someone is listening. So here goes.
No one is perfect.
I bet you've heard that countless times in my life. But it's true. Everyone makes mistakes in their life. Everyone makes bad decisions in his or her life that will make him or her feel regret.
All of you have made mistakes.
But I've made mine too.
That's right. The last person I'm blaming is myself.
I've made so many bad decisions these past two years, they haunt every day since. All those things I blamed you all were my fault too.
Now, Justin, don't think I regret kissing you. Like I said, it was wonderful. I will never take it back if I had the chance. But what I do regret was not telling you to stop bragging, because those lies were the beginning of my- downfall. That's the only way to describe it. And I know we both regret letting Jessica be raped.
Alex, I don't regret being friends with you. It was nice while it lasted. But I should have reported you for The List. You could have learned how cruel is was to make it. But maybe you did learn that.
Jessica. Like Alex, I don't regret our friendship. You stuck with me the longest and I thank you for that. Our friendship could have lasted longer if I hadn't accepted the blame for you and Alex breaking up.
Tyler. I should have called the police. Period.
Courtney, when you started to ignore me, I should have listened to my instincts, which were telling me not to trust you. But I didn't listen and here I am.
I had my suspicions about you too, Marcus. And I should have listened to them as well.
Zach, I could have reported you like I could have with Alex. So why didn't I? I guess it was because I didn't want to start any more trouble. I was too scared.
Ryan, why was I so stupid about you? I knew how your famous newspaper worked. I should have been able to figure out that you wanted my poem.
Clay. Clay, Clay, Clay. I should have yelled for you to come back. Or stumbled after you, despite my being so drunk.
And Jenny, I listened to you. Even when I knew your judgment was wrong. That stop sign should have been reported by me. And because of that, an innocent boy was dead.
Bryce. I should have said no. I should have pushed you away.
I could have sorted everything out with you, Mr. Porter. I should have stayed.
I can only blame myself for these decisions. And I think suicide will be a good decision for me.
And the last one I'll ever make.
Click.
Again, I hope you enjoyed it! I had to rewrite this a couple of times and this was the only draft I was happy with. Thanks for reading!
~LDD