Most summoners don't know this, but in the time that elapses between matches, champions have the option of cooling off in an indoor or an outdoor pool, warming up in a hot tub or sauna, or gossiping around the water cooler like most employees do. Mostly, they choose the latter, as it gives them the opportunity to "discuss" (i.e. complain about) updates to their designs and skill sets. For the female champions, these conversations often revolve around their bizarre clothing.
The last such conversation occurred during a welcome celebration for Elise, the then-newest female addition to the League. Tristana happened to mention that it was somewhat unrealistic ("And also unnecessary!" added Lulu, with whom she had been conversing) for Elise to have retained her large, fleshy bosom when the rest of her body had taken on the appearance of a spider.
"It's clearly for the benefit of the pubescent male summoners," Caitlyn interjected in her lofty British accent. " Just look at my outfit. Is this how a real officer of the law would dress?" She indicated her oversized hat and undersized dress, the latter seeming to end at her hips, but on closer inspection, just barely grazing the top of her legs. "Although I suppose that most people, upon seeing my mini-dress ride up my arse, would stop resisting arrest. Men, in particular." She chuckled.
"What about the fact that your traps are cupcake-shaped? No complaints about that? Really?" Riven smirked.
"Your sword is a carrot," Caitlyn stated.
Riven grimaced. She'd forgotten that she'd just come out of a game with a summoner who owned her Battle Bunny skin, which had unfortunately become her most popular. "Fair enough. I used to be such a bad-ass, too, until I became a Playboy bunny and my sword was replaced with a carrot. I know, I know...no one likes vegetables, but...a carrot? A carrot is supposed to intimidate people?" She shook the sword at her companions imploringly.
"The thing is, no one at Riot considers how impractical our outfits and weapons really are," Katarina explained. "Take me, for example. If I fought a Damacian soldier anywhere but on the Fields of Justice, I'd be dead before I could fling a single blade. Stabbed right in the heart." She withdrew a blade from her belt and mimed stabbing herself with it.
"Right in those luscious tits, you mean," corrected Miss Fortune. Her years as a bounty hunter had turned her vocabulary as raunchy as those of the pirates she hunted.
Katarina twirled her blade, looking Miss Fortune up and down. When their eyes met, Katarina raised an eyebrow. Miss Fortune waved a hand at her. "It takes one busty wench to know another, sweetie. I'm aware that I look like I was modeled after a sexy pirate Halloween costume. And what of it?"
"It's not just that your tits are huge; it's that the rest of your body is too small and slim to support their weight," Katarina said thoughtfully. "I'm surprised you can stand here without toppling over, let alone keep your balance on a ship - in heels."
"Are we to believe that a Runeterra-renowned bounty hunter wears heels when she chases pirates?" Caitlyn laughed. "Even I'm wearing boots."
"And did you notice that in our splash arts Miss Fortune and I are twisted so that both our breasts and our butts are visible at the same time?" Lux piped up, her eyes wide with distress and disbelief. "We're not supposed to be contortionists. At least, not according to our lores."
"Oh, to hell with the lores," Miss Fortune said. "No one reads them."
"Is that why everyone assumes that I steal life essences with sex?" Ahri asked. The others nodded. "Ew." She shuddered.
Conversation halted when Sejuani burst into the room on her boar, shivering. "Sorry I'm late, guys. That last match ran over an hour. Congratulations, Elise!" She dismounted the boar, rubbing her hands together to warm them.
"Are you cold?" Ahri asked, feeling at once guilty and grateful for the long sleeves and furs on her Midnight skin.
"Freezing," Sejuani admitted. "Why do you think all of my abilities are ice-related? It's not because I'm from Freljord; it's because icicles are clinging to my nipples as we speak."
Miss Fortune guffawed. Of course, no one believed the claim, but in the interest of testing it, Annie conjured a fireball and held it under Sejuani's fur bikini top. Sejuani hadn't been joking: to everyone's surprise, her chest began to leak droplets of water that pooled on the floor.
" That's just like the leader of the Winter's Claw: too stupid to wear a cloak," Ashe mumbled.
"I heard that, Avarosan scum," Sejuani snarled. "As if I, a child of the Freljord, would have chosen this outfit for myself."
"That's about as likely as a mute choosing to wear that," Riven agreed, nodding her head in Sona's direction.
Sona bit her lip, considering. Then she wrinkled her nose, pounded out some dissonant notes on her keyboard, and stuck out her chest farther than even the aforementioned pubescent male summoners would have imagined possible.
"Oh, come on, Sona. Even you have to appreciate the irony in the fact that those jugs are louder than you are," Evelynn said, distancing herself from the group to activate her invisibility.
"We can see your boobs, Eve," Diana said lazily. "You can't hide those funbags. I don't know how you ever manage to sneak up on anyone."
"Damn it!" Disembodied blue breasts jiggled as Evelynn stamped her foot.
"Seriously, zough, why are our breasts so beeg?" Fiora wondered. "Zat's 'ardly representative of ze range of body types zat exeest in ze real world." She was wearing her Headmistress skin, which always made her introspective.
"I told you -" Caitlyn began.
"I smell black magicks!" interrupted Vayne.
"FOOLS! I KNOW WHY!" Morgana shouted. Everyone stared at her - startled, but expectant.
She smiled, her colorless, purple-lined eyes gleaming. "I know why my breasts are so big: they're full of secrets. Evil secrets."
Kayle groaned. Morgana had rented Mean Girls the previous week - her favorite character was Regina, because she regarded her as evil, her least favorite Cady, because she regarded her as hypocritical - and since then she'd quoted the movie incessantly. "Bad joke, sister."
"I HATE YOU!" Morgana fumed, casting tormented soil beneath Kayle's feet. Kayle, who could go invincible for three seconds after every minute, sustained no damage.
"I think my Prom Queen skin hit puberty too early," Annie observed, tossing the fireball that had melted the icicles from Sejuani's nipples from hand to hand. "Like, eight years too early." Tibbers growled in agreement.
"And I think my outfit caters to the fantasies of heterosexual men a little too perfectly to have been designed by a woman who never had contact with men," Nidalee considered.
"So...many...ball jokes..." Syndra was curled into a corner of the room, rocking back and forth and muttering to herself. A slice of cake sat, untouched, at her feet.
"Those balls are yours to comm-"
"I'll kill you!" Syndra warned, recovering herself.
Tristana gulped mid-giggle.
"Enough!" Elise hissed. "Your petty human problems do not compare with mine! Yesterday, I tried to mate with Kha'zix, but he said he's not attracted to human females. And I couldn't mate with him while in spider form because I trumped him in size. Why do I have to be the only human-spider hybrid in the world with hips and breasts?" She choked on a sob and wrapped six of her eight legs around herself.
Zyra patted Elise's shoulder, ignoring the venomous glare with which Elise repaid the kindness. "There, there. I had the same issue with Maokai. It's the price of being a female video game character."
"Not if you're a yordle!" Lulu chirped, bouncing with Pix. "We yordles escaped being oversexualized."
The human females exchanged glances. Elise sniffled. Orianna beeped. Sona played one long, solemn note. Suddenly, unexpectedly, Miss Fortune burst into uproarious laughter, prompting Soraka to silence her. Leona knelt beside Lulu and pulled a smart phone from a pocket of her armor. Pix watched protectively. "Lulu, I'd like to direct you to a place called the internet...," she said. "But before I do, I must assure you: no female in this game - or in any game - escapes being oversexualized."
A/N: You like? If you do - and even if you don't - please review! I'd really appreciate it, especially since this is my first time writing this genre of fanfic.
Also note that Sejuani is wearing her pre-redesign outfit. She finds her new outfit much warmer.