By the Grace of Family
II
Nightmares...silent nightmares raced through a mind that struggled to discern what was real and what wasn't. There was no memory of what he had been, the man, the officer, the friend, brother and son. Yet there were memories, memories of unfathomable pain, hunger, filth, and suffering. Those dark images were what held him prisoner. All he could see were the men who inflicted misery without conscience. He was fighting them, fighting for his survival, fighting until there was no more fight left...and then until he heard a voice that reached him through a tremendous void.
"Nick, you need to eat this," the voice encouraged. Words filtered around him, words that spoke of a mother and father, of a brother and sister. The names were slowly becoming familiar. Mother, Father, Jarrod, Audra and Heath. Jarrod. That was his name. He couldn't remember now when the man hadn't been there. He didn't scare easy. No matter if he yelled or hit or kicked or just didn't eat, Jarrod stayed. Jarrod...
"I wish I had some pictures to show you, Nick," Jarrod told him. "I keep telling you about home, and the family." He was sitting on his bed while Nick laid his back against the wall. Nick wondered as he listened to the man's calm voice. Calm. He hadn't felt this kind of peace in a long time. Wars of rage had pulled him so far down for so long. Confusion had settled in his soul. This was different. What was this like? He tried hard to remember.
"Remember the last time we were all home together, you and me and Heath? We went fishing at the lodge because you and I knew that it would be a long time before we would all be together again. Heath was upset, but he kept his feelings under rap. He promised he'd watch out for the folks and Audra. Kind of a lot of responsibility to put on a thirteen year old. Guess we didn't think about it then. I still remember you picking him up and throwing him in the river when he started teasing you about being a worse fisherman than him. Course I got you two both beat. I got the most fish! Not bad for an old man, huh?"
Fish...a stream, a river. He did remember. There was laughter in the air, a carefree happy sound which gave him a good feeling. Jarrod kept on talking.
"Did you know Heath fought in the war? Fool kid could have got himself killed. When I found you, I sent a telegram home to let Mother and Father know I was going to be delayed. They sent one back letting me know they understood and to hurry home. They let me know Heath was home safe. I'm guessing Heath is missing you a lot Brother Nick. He looked up to you quite a bit. Oh, he looked up to me too, but not as much as you. You took him under your wing when Father brought him home from Strawberry. I never told you how I admired you. You gave the word Brother a new meaning. Truth is I tried to live up to you sometimes."
Jarrod? Heath? Pictures of a blond haired boy filtered through his mind. Lifting his hazel eyes, Nick met Jarrod's warm gaze.
"Nick? That's it, Brother Nick, that's it! Nick?" Yes, he knew this man. He knew Jarrod. He knew Heath.
His voice didn't seem to follow his command. How long had it been since he had spoken? How long...what did Jarrod say about a war?
"Hea...Heath?" Nick stumbled. "Jarr...Jarrod?" Emotions he couldn't explain or understand made his pulse race. Jarrod and Heath. They were his brothers. Family. Family meant...meant everything, the Rising to his feet, Nick walked to the door. Trying the door, he found it locked. Footsteps alerted him to Jarrod following him. His first instinct was to defend himself, to save himself. He didn't think. He came around swinging. Jarrod ducked and Nick fell forward, still weak. On the floor, he waited, for what? What? Kicks? Hits? Hurt? Pain? Caring hands helped him up.
"Nick, what is it? Can you tell me Brother? I would never hurt you, Nick. I know you were in a bad place for a long time. You don't have to be afraid of me, Brother. I promise."
"Prom...ise," Nick repeated sitting on the bed.
"Yes, I promise." Jarrod was smiling. His hand gripped Nick's shoulder in a friendly manner. Hazel eyes looked up again at the man standing in front of him.
"Jarrod," he repeated. "Can I ask you something?"
"If you're talking, Brother Nick, you can ask me anything you want." Jarrod's relief was evident. What was it about talking? Was it important?
"Who am I?" He observed the smile as it vanished only to be replaced by a very intense sadness. Compassion? Was that it? Suddenly he saw another man bending over him with another bit of concern.
"Nick? Don't let them win, Nick. You're going to get through this." A burning pain was consuming his back, fire, heat, agony. There was blood. Fear.
"No!" he yelled. "No! You promised they wouldn't hurt me." Jarrod's hands now gripped Nick's shoulders more firmly. He spoke in a tone Nick recognized, a tone that he was accustomed to listening to. He couldn't help but listen.
"Nick! Calm down. Come on! Calm down. No one is hurting you. Your name is Nick Barkley. You're twenty years old, and you are my brother. I love you, Brother Nick. I love you." Shaking his head, Nick tried to think, tried to remember. Jarrod was his brother. He was a man who would give his life for him. He knew that. There was no doubt in his beleagured mind.
"How long?" he asked. "How long have you been here?"
"Three weeks, Nick. Three very long weeks."
"Jarrod?" Nick forced himself to stop shaking. He couldn't control the tears falling down his face. Why? Overwhelmed with the emotions he felt for the man in front of him, he spoke again before hugging his brother to him.
"Jarrod, will ya do me another favor?"
"Anything," Jarrod promised, tears falling down his own face.
"Would ya...would ya take me home?" Nick slapped his brother on the back, hugged him tight, and Jarrod returned the embrace, both men sobbing while Jarrod promised the younger sibling one more time...yes he would take him home.
[hr]
"Jarrod, you can't tell them where you found me," Nick determined as his brother drove a buckboard from Stockton to the ranch. "Please." Nick watched his brother's response. Jarrod kept on driving.
"I already thought about that, Brother Nick. I'll tell them the truth as far as I can. Everything will be true. I found you in a hospital. They don't have to know what happened, but I do want them to know how difficult this was on you. You can't just expect to get back to doing ranching, not in your condition." Nick didn't reply. Time seemed to be his enemy these days, not his friend. In the month since he had asked Jarrod to take him home, his mind seemed to be better able to cope. But he had to admit the lawyer was right. He still wasn't himself no matter how much he wanted to be. He knew the old Nick, remembered the loud blustering man he had been, the man who had served honorably in the army, the man his family loved and the man who loved them. He wasn't that person anymore. Nick wondered if he ever would be. Nodding his agreement he fell silent.
"They're going to be really relieved to have you home, Nick. It might be a little much. Can you handle it?"
"I don't know, Jarrod. I guess I'll have to try."
"I think we should tell Heath. I think he can help you."
"No!" Nick yelled. "No!"
"Nick! You can't do that. You can't just get angry for no reason."
"Why not? It's not like I haven't done it in the past." Jarrod turned to Nick and saw him smiling.
"Sometimes, Brother Nick..." he threatened. Nick only smiled further.
"I owe ya, Jarrod. I owe ya a lot. If it wasn't for you...I would still be in that hell hole."
"Just be glad for brotherly intuition," Jarrod answered. "Some bonds transcend time, space, everything and this time I'm glad it did."
"You're not kidding," Nick shuddered. "We're home, aren't we?" The second question came as they passed the gates and the two men saw their home come into view. The yard was empty, but it was late afternoon. Heath and their father would be working. Victoria and Audra were probably inside. It was early August, and the heat of the hot summer bore down on them. Neither man really noticed it. Both men were wearing civilian clothes, their uniforms long gone. Nick had chosen his customary black and white clothes, and Jarrod wore casual traveling clothes. There was no doubt they were brothers with their dark hair and tall builds. Jarrod pulled the wagon to a halt.
"Definitely home. Why don't you go in the house and make yourself known? Oops, too late." Jarrod's grin took away from the seriousness on Nick's face. Both men were treated to the sight of their mother and sister flying through the front door. Victoria wore a yellow dress with white lace at her throat and lacey sleeves reaching just below her elbows. She had Audra's hand in hers, the girl actually standing several inches taller than her mother, and dressed in a light blue, appearing older than her years, a shocking revelation to her brothers. Victoria gripped Audra's hand hard her eyes going from one son to the other. Jarrod wasn't surprised at the first word she uttered.
"Nick!" The word was barely spoken above a whisper. Audra was far more vocal!
"Nick! Nick! You're here! You're alive!" The screech jarred the second brother. Somehow he kept himself from letting Audra feel his tension as she threw herself into his arms. Victoria was quick to pull Jarrod close in a hug.
"Jarrod...you're home...and you brought your brother."
"I did indeed Lovely Lady. He's home and he needs some tender loving care."
"So do you." Her hand touched his face, her kiss caressed his forehead in her maternal joy. "Thank-you, Jarrod. Thank you for bringing both of my sons home safe. I think this is the happiest day of my life." She switched places with her daughter as Audra came to greet Jarrod, and Victoria approached her Nick...the son she held so dear to her heart, the son that resembled her the most, his impetuousness, his courage, his kindness and his temper. She was such a small woman, that most people, even her children didn't realize that many of the traits Nick had inherited weren't from his father, but were his mother. She stood in front of him, looking up, noticing the lines on his face, the darkness under his eyes, the torment that radiated from him, and the anguish that needed to be soothed.
"Nick?" For a second Nick felt as though he were a stranger to the tiny woman in front of him. He knew he couldn't hurt her. He wrapped his strong arms around the lady feeling her tremble, and realized this was indeed his mother, family, a person who probably knew him better than he knew himself. His mother.
"I'm home," he told her. "Jarrod brought me home, Mother." She stepped back, her cheeks wet, her eyes glistening with the miracle their family had been blessed with.
"He did, Nick. You're home." They didn't need more words. Ciego came to take the wagon and horses. Jarrod told him to send one of the men to get his father and brother. Following his mother, brother and sister into the home he had missed for over a year, the young lawyer shut the door on the past...and prayed a new one would open for him and for the brother who was so terribly injured still.
[hr]
"Boy, let's hurry. If your mother wants us home early, there must be a good reason."
"I'm just about finished, Father," Heath answered, putting his curry brush away and giving his horse one last pat. "We did a good job today, dontcha think?"
"Of course we did. Ranching is what I trained ya for, didn't I?"
"Yes Sir. Sometimes though I wish Nick were here. He'd be a help too."
"Yeah? You two. You'd be trying to show each other which one was better, riding, branding, busting the wild ponies, or even herding. You two sure did give a man a lot of pride." Heath was startled by the tone of Tom's voice. Though Tom didn't say, the boy knew his father still grieved for his brother.
"He'd have trouble winning too," Heath decided to josh. "Now that I'm almost as big as he was."
"You'll fill out, Boy. You wait and see." Together they walked from the barn to the house in warm camaraderie. Tom's voice boomed in the foyer just as Nick's used to.
"Torie! Torie, we're home, what's so all fired important..." Silence filled the hall when Tom Barkley's eyes fell on his oldest son standing by the desk where the family usually put their mail. Next to him stood Victoria and Audra. They were both smiling in delight. With a whoop and a holler Heath hugged Jarrod before his father even saw his son race by him.
"Jarrod! Bout time ya got home. What took ya so long? I been home for a couple months almost."
"Brother Heath, you are a sight for sore eyes. What got into you to go running off to war? You sure are lucky you got home safe."
"Aww, Jarrod. Don't scold," Heath pleaded. "Not now. Ya can wait till later...much later."
"Brat," Jarrod grinned ruffling Heath's hair. "Grown a bit haven't you?"
"Yep. Almost as big as Nick..." Heath's voice trailed off. Jarrod gripped Heath's shoulder then went to his father.
"Father?"
"Jarrod," Tom greeted. "Welcome home, Son. It's been too long." Tom's pride and love was reflected in his hug and in his blue eyes. Jarrod stepped back. Looking from his mother to his father, he could see how Nick's supposed death had affected his father. The man had aged and there was an emptiness there, an emptiness that Jarrod hoped would be gone soon.
"I'm glad to be home, Father. I brought a present too, a surprise."
"A surprise."
"A wonderful surprise, Father," Audra squealed. "The best ever."
"Nick!" Heath breathed. Tom turned to his son. The sapphire eyes were ablaze with hope. The father hated to see disappointment but he had to remind him.
"No, Heath...your brother..."
"Father! I'm home," Nick's voice boomed. For a second, Tom wondered if his heart would stop the way it had when he opened and read the telegram that told him his son had died in battle. Nick's spurs and boots walked into the foyer. Tom and Heath were stunned, Tom by the suffering he could see in his son and Heath by the fact he thought he was looking at a ghost. The homecoming would have been perfect if Nick's hugs had been Nick, but both Tom and Heath recognized that the hug wasn't entirely Nick. Something was missing. At the same time there was no doubt of the relief and joy and love the family had for each other. They were together. They were all home at last. Or were they?
[hr]
He was trapped, trapped...or so it felt. Standing in the living room, by the patio doors, Nick knew he had made a mistake in coming home. The first twenty-four hours had been fine but in the few days since then, he was feeling as if he could never measure up to the old Nick. His father expected him to just jump back into the saddle, although Dr. Merar had come out and told Nick he shouldn't ride or work hard for at least a month. That wasn't the problem. A hand on his shoulder caused Nick to whirl around, his fist raised. Heath's stunned face was inches from meeting the folded knuckles.
"Whoa, Big Brother," Heath protested, raising his hands in mock defense. "I promise I'm not a threat."
"That's not funny, Heath," Nick retorted, looking back outside. He wondered if he'd offended the kid, and knew he didn't want to. At the same time, he couldn't help the frenzied chaos that seemed to eating away at him.
"Not if you don't think so," Heath tossed back. His hand on Nick's shoulder should have been comforting. Nick's next movement didn't seem to be something he could control. Before he realized it he had grabbed Heath's shirt, almost lifting him off the ground.
"Do I have to spell it out?" Heath's lopsided grin was not what Nick expected.
"What the hell is it with ya?" he demanded. "How come ya aint mad at me?"
"Nick...yer not the only one who was in a war. Iffn yer mad say so. Don't just sit there like dynamite waiting to explode." Nick melted. He couldn't help it. His laughter rang through the house. Heath's own pitch joined his.
"Boy you know me too well," Nick told him when they had stopped laughing.
"Course I do, Nick. Ya spent most of your life pestering the heck outta me. So are ya gonna tell me what's wrong or should I just get some dynamite?" Nick laughed again. Jarrod had reached him when there should have been no hope. Now Heath was waiting to hear the worst, his face expectant. He patted Heath's face.
"Little Brother, I'll be all right. Ya don't have ta get the dynamite just yet."
"That's a relief, but it doesn't let me know what's going on."
"What makes ya think something is going on?"
"Well, the nightmares ya had the last few nights might be a start. Then the fact that you look ready ta bust someone's chops every time Father, Jarrod or I touch ya. Nick...ya may only have been home a few days, but we all know yer keeping a secret...and Jarrod's keeping it with ya."
"Can't ya just be glad I'm home and leave it at that?" Nick suggested swallowing the bile that rose in his throat. How could he hurt Heath by telling him the truth? He didn't want to see Heath's pity. At the same time, he knew he needed his brother's understanding. He needed his family's understanding. More important, he needed their help to deal with the demons that followed him and threatened to bring him back to that pit where Jarrod found him.
"I could, but I'm not going to. Nick, yer my brother. Seems to me a long time ago, someone told me being a brother means sharing the good times and the bad."
"He's right you know," Jarrod's voice said. Nick groaned. If Jarrod got into this, he was going to be lost.
"Jarrod give it a rest," Nick snapped.
"Heath is right, Brother Nick."
"You promised you wouldn't..."
"No, I didn't promise, Nick, not that." Nick sighed. Jarrod was right. Why hadn't he made him promise to keep the truth a secret.
"You said you wouldn't tell."
"Yes, I did, until I saw what it is doing to you. Nick, you're never going to get back to normal if you don't let the family know what happened. You have to. It's the only way we can help you."
"I'll be fine," Nick snapped again.
"Like hell..." Heath answered.
"Heath, watch your language," Victoria scolded coming into the room. Nick took two steps forward only to be stopped by both his brothers. Nick's hazel eyes met Jarrod's. Jarrod shook his head.
"There's no more running away, Nick."
"Not Audra," Nick implored.
"Yes, Audra. The entire family."
"She's too young."
"Nick, you don't have to be graphic. All you have to do is tell them how you feel, and what we can do to help. All you have to do is let us in." While Jarrod talked Tom and Audra also entered the living room. Heath's hand gripped Nick's shoulder again. Looking into the young rugged face of the boy, and the faces of his family, Nick knew Jarrod was right. Still his mind fought against the facts. How could Carterson have happened to him? How could he have been subjected to the horrors. How could he subject his family.
"Big Brother, it's not about the past," Heath told him in a soft calm voice. "It's about the future." Nick was startled by the boy's words, startled and unable to deny that fact. Jarrod drew him back into the living room. Together, the family gathered round. Their understanding, their love and concern shone just as it had in Jarrod when Nick recognized him. He knew he couldn't deal with his demons by himself, knew that he needed help. He had to confide in them, had to admit that he would never be the Nick he had known before Carterson, and that it would be a long time before he found himself again. He had to...still he hesitated. Tom leaned against the fireplace. Victoria sat near him. Audra and Heath sat on the settee, the blond brother and sister leaning forward to give support. Jarrod sat next to him, giving him the courage he still needed.
"Son," Tom said. "There's nothing you can't tell us. I always told you that. We love you, Nick. We want you home...all of you."
"What if it's not that easy, Father?" Nick wondered out loud, looking down. Tom came over to his son.
"Unless I'm mistaken, nothing in this life is easy. We lost you once, Nick. We aren't going to lose you again." Nick hadn't looked at it that way. His family had already been through the worst. Jarrod flashed him a smile. He took a deep breath. This was going to take guts he decided. Guts he had...courage he had...asking for help was another thing. With humility, fear and hope and the love of the family who surrounded him.