A/N: Okay so when inspiration hits, it kinda hits hard. I just want to but this disclaimer: This isn't a one-shot. So I'm not favoring one character over the other because they both messed up and they both need to learn and grow. That being said, this chapter doesn't actually mention "the look" but the next one will.

Hope you end up enjoying this.

Disclaimer: I neither own nor profit from Glee or any of its affiliates.

She gets him a Christmas present. She's a Jew but she gets him a Christmas present. And right there he knows this is just not gonna go well.

She says she got him a note. She didn't really. She's giving him a song. A song. For Christmas. He can't. He can't listen to her sing. Not when her voice is so pretty and so everything he wishes he could have back before it all fell apart. Not when if she sings he's gonna punch stuff or cry or just wanna fall in a hole and stay there for the rest of his life.

He can't forgive. Not yet. You love her, a voice tells him. He ignores it. You love her, it repeats. In his head, he screams I KNOW! That's why. It's why he can't listen to her. He can't forgive her yet. He can't let her force her way into his heart again.

He gives her the note, the song, back. He leaves. She's gonna sing it anyway; he knows it. 'Cause he knows her. Just 'cause she killed him inside doesn't mean he's suddenly forgotten her or everything about her. He has half a mind to watch her silently. He tells that part of his mind to back the fuck off.

Fake Christmas trees. He hates fake Christmas trees. Throughout his life Christmas trees have been real in the way his dad never was, in the way loving someone never was…until her. But his mom's real. His family's real and he's gonna go home and the Christmas tree will be real just like Rachel cheating on him is real. Real.

He can't let her kill his love for Christmas. Not by breaking his heart or trying to make him feel things he's not ready to feel again yet. Not by trying to apologize in front of a forest of artificial Christmas trees. He's had enough artificial in his life. He pushes those thoughts away and his knees kinda buckle when he realizes his first instinct is to think about how she came and helped him through all that shit. Because now she's in there. In those depths of his mind where he doesn't think he can ever let go of all the things people have done to break him. He doesn't want her to apologize anymore because he also knows she means it. More than Quinn ever did. More than anyone ever has.

And really? It just makes things worse. Because if she's that sorry then it all really happened and his life really did come crashing down around him. He just…he thought this was real, you know? It is. Was. Sometimes he almost forgets they're not together. How pathetic is that? 'Cause when he closes his eyes, he can still picture the exact shade of her gorgeous eyes and the way they get all huge and emotional. And sometimes he inches his hand forward to softly stroke the familiar texture of her hair before he realizes that nothing's there. Nothing's there.

Nothing's anywhere, really. Except in her, maybe. 'Cause boy is she full of regret and I'm so sorry Finn it'll never happen again and Christmas apology songs. And he can't let that in because right now he needs there to be nothing.

So he grabs his stuff and slams his locker shut. He ducks his head in the choir room and doesn't see Rachel in there, so it's safe. Santana's in there screwing around with the tree.

"Here," he says, taking the star from her and placing it at the top. She rolls her eyes but says thanks. He guesses maybe the Christmas spirit gets into everyone.

"Do you like Christmas?" he asks.

She gives him this weird look like why the fuck are you talking to me, Frankenteen? But then she shrugs. "Beats the hell outta Hanukkah."

And then his stomach clenches 'cause Hanukkah is Jewish is Rachel is I can't breathe right now. He gets up to leave, to go anywhere, but Santana puts a hand on his arm and for a minute she looks genuinely sorry. "I didn't actually mean…Sorry."

But he's had enough with apologies. "Whatever," he says coolly. And breaks away from her grasp.

"So much for Christmas spirit," the Cheerio yells after him.

Finn turns around and really he wants to be in all Christmas mood but there's Rachel being all…Rachely and Santana being all herself and the star is falling off the top of the tree and he sighs and walks over to fix it. And well yeah, he just…what's the point of letting everything ruin his favorite holiday for him?

Santana watches him carefully. "You shoulda just put it on right the first time."

And the way she says it is like two shades less cond—conens—condensing (? Whatever) than usual, so he just frowns a little and says, "Yeah well, at least I can reach it." He's pretty sure it's on the right way this time. So he's fulfilled his Christmas duty and stuff for today and mostly he just wants to go home. She doesn't stop him this time. He silently thanks…God? The Ghost of Christmas Past? Anything. Whatever.

His truck is frozen when he climbs in and he spends five minutes blowing on his hands to warm them up enough to drive. And then he sees her bright red hat through all the white and lets out a slow breath when she only walks past, not even glancing in his direction. He wonders if it's on purpose before he wonders why he can't stop caring if it's on purpose. 'Cause seeing her for those five seconds was enough to send his heart slamming against his ribcage again and he's pretty sure one of these days it's just gonna jump right out and land right in front of her feet. Then she can trample all over it for real.

He lets his head fall to the steering wheel as he cranks the heat higher. He doesn't even realize he's been in his truck for a half hour until he hears this harsh bang bang bang oh my god shut the fuck up I'm rolling down the window, okay? on the driver's side window.

"Dude, open up!"

Finn glares as he rolls the window down. "What the hell are you doing here, asshole?"

Puck rolls his eyes. "I could ask the same, dickwad. Look, I was just—what the fuck? Dude, have you been crying?" He squints at Finn and the quarterback barely resists the urge to suckerpunch him and drive away. Fuck. Had he really been crying? How many times is he gonna lose his shit over her? Puck is still starting at him and he suddenly remembers he should be pounding the douchebag's Mohawk'd head into the pavement. He starts rolling the window up again.

Puck sticks a fist in between the window and frame and Finn nearly growls. Why can't the world just leave him alone with his misery?

"Look, I just wanna talk to you about something." Puck does that stupid thing where he like brings his neck forward a little like he's saying "duh" and Finn wonders how he managed to be best friends with this asswipe for over ten years. He deserves a fucking award for that shit, he thinks absently.

"Yeah, well, I really don't wanna hear it. Just get out of here." He slams the window up, ignoring Puck's curses when the window crushes his hand against the frame. And he finds the motivation to drive home finally.

"I wanna make this right," she says.

And she does. She loves glee club. But he hears it. The undertone of me and you. I wanna make us right. He wants to ignore that part. But he can't really because she's right at least about them needing to do this for the club. 'Cause even though looking at her sends pangs through his whole body, he's a leader. And the only way to be a real leader is to prove it; he's learned that lesson.

"Yeah," he agrees. 'Cause if he says anything more, it's like saying yes to everything more. So he tells her he'll go over details with her after lunch because he's got to…well, he's got to go do…something. Bye Rachel. And he rushes out of the choir room. He's really got to stop saying yes to her when he knows it's only gonna make him feel worse. He stuffs his hands in his pockets as he tries to shrug it off.

But then before he knows it, he's meeting Rachel at a Christmas tree lot. They're real this time. He can smell them. But somehow, it's not as comforting as it used to be. He'd spent a lot of time thinking about getting Rachel to celebrate Christmas with him this year; their first real Christmas as a real couple. He'd planned to take her here, let her pick her favorite tree, to bring her home so she could help decorate. Rachel loves details. He was gonna let her do all these fancy things with the Christmas window sticker things he bought 'cause he just knew she'd love cutting them and making them fit where and when and how. But then there was that time when she's telling him how she…and there's just all this pain because not again and why is it always Puck? So then his plans for Christmas changed. To sulking, hurting, pretending he isn't missing her when his mom and Kurt and Burt ask.

He looks around at the trees, then sniffs because…wait, Rachel…and she's wearing this pine scented car air freshener and doesn't she think maybe she's trying too hard? 'Cause Rachel is supposed to smell like Rachel. Not Christmas trees. That's the whole point of having a Christmas tree because they smell like Christmas trees. Not girls in red coats with air fresheners in the pocket. And she's like clinging to his arm now and normally he'd wanna be like, yeah you're right it is cold out. And where did he learn the word "unseasonably" anyway?

She goes into this speech about how Christmas trees are the foundation of Christmas and stuff and like, she's Jewish so how does she even know all this? Then he remembers that she's Rachel and she kinda knows everything and if she doesn't know, she finds a way to know. And he probably smiles this little bit 'cause she's getting all into it and well…she is right. "Whenever we put the tree up, I always think Christmas is really here," he tells her as he grabs on to a tree behind him. And it's way too small, like really. Sure, he's a tall guy and everything, but even short people have standards when it comes to Christmas trees too.

All right, seriously? Can he go anywhere without there being some sappy Christmas song that makes him all depressed on? Did she like pay the dude at the radio to put this song on? Whatever. It's not a bad song. Usually. Except when it reminds him of Rachel and Rachel and Rachel and Rachel cheating on him. But he kinda thinks he's getting good at like internalizing that for the most part, 'cause he tells her it's cool and he thinks it actually kinda sounds pretty convincing. He's a little surprised that she listens to him when he tells her to look at the Douglases. But he'll take it.

Okay yeah so this is classic Rachel right here. Singing and just…fuck, her singing is super hard to ignore. 'Cause there's this like, thing with him where he has the hardest time resisting forming a duet with her, even when he can barely stand to be around her. Just keep checking out the Christmas trees, he tells himself. Like, inspect them hardcore. Ignore her ignore her ignore her ignore her. Fuck. He totally cracks. And they're singing together even if it's like awkward 'cause they're on separate rows of trees, but even then he can't forget how perfect their voices sound together.

So he's like kinda staring at her. Into her? Singing this song about heartbreak and all. And that's a little too much so he moves away again. But then he looks at her face again and he knows he's doing a piss poor job at hiding the pain of doing so. But you know what? It's cool. She deserves to know she hurt him.

"Last year for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you." Her voice is all soft and warm and—wait, she's Jewish. Why was she being all Christmasy last year? Doesn't matter, he tells himself. He can't let it matter. Just like he can't let it matter that if she'd said that two weeks ago, he would have been all grinning and kissing her wildly 'cause she's so adorable. But now it just hurts. Now it's just—her lips? Oh, God. He's missed her, missed this, wants this, wants—no. No. Because then he's pushing her away and it kind of hurts to breathe and she looks like…she looks like he looked when she told him. Kind of. Except how can really understand?

"It's not last year anymore." And it's not. It doesn't even feel like this year anymore. And all she wants is forgiveness. It's Christmas she tells him. It's time. Time to forgive. Time to forget and act like it never happened like she never tried to spite him by making out with Puck and saying it's the same thing as when he slept with Santana when they weren't together.

He can't. He can't he can't he can't he can't I love you Rachel but I can't. He stutters a little 'cause it hurts to say, just like he knows it hurts her to hear. But she just doesn't get it. So he explains. Like the only way he can. How this is wrong and they shouldn't be here because you messed me up, Rachel. But she doesn't see, doesn't get it, doesn't understand. The only two girlfriends he's ever had in his life have cheated on him and he really really really really wanted…wants…wanted…whatever to get past it but it's too soon. It's too clear in his mind still. He's all messed up. And if she can't even see what she's done to him, how's he supposed to try and forgive her?

"I'm a officially breaking up with you," he says and breaks both their hearts. Again.

Then he walks away and leaves her standing in a parking lot full of Christmas trees as real as the pain in his chest. It's over. Really over. Real Christmas trees. Real heartbreak. It's all real.

He almost wishes his mom bought a fake tree this year.

Yes? No? Should I just give up here? Lemme know. Reviews = love.