Author's Note: This fic is the result of a collaboration between me and my friend Claire Treeborn. We wrote it when we are hyper- thus, it is completely insane. Please read and review- and bear in mind that WE think it's extremely funny.





Disclaimer: We don't own any of Rowling's characters, places or ideas. The Teen Witches own the idea of screeching the story to a halt. The song "why don't we do it in the road," belongs to the late John Lennon. We do, however, own the Horny Hamster. :grins evilly:



Ye Olde Insane Versione of Harry Potter





Harry sat in the Great Hall, enjoying the start-of-term feast. Hermione was chatting to someone at the Ravenclaw table about the new Arithmancy classes, and Ron was too busy checking out a Hufflepuff girl to be of any interest. "I wonder who the new DADA teacher will be?" he wondered out loud. "I don't see anyone new at the head table. . ."



*EEEEEEPPPPP!* (story grinds to a halt.)

Claire: This is so boring, and I'm not writing any of this!

Katie: Yes, you did. You put in the hot Hufflepuff girl.

Claire: Let's make this more. . .er, how shall I put it. . .interesting. . .

Katie: Fine. But we get to write ourselves in- this is way too good for just the computer.

Claire: Yeah.

Katie: I get to wear leather.

Claire: Me too, but it has to be fake green leather.

Katie: Whatever. Mine's black.

Claire: Typical.

Katie: And I get a nice necklace like the sheriff in the movie.

Claire: Yes. . .Katie. . .smile and nod. . .

Katie: Let's get this going. VROOOOOOOMMMM . . . .

Claire: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

PWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (story ungrinds)

All of a sudden, Dumbledore chugged a can of Five Alive, sprouted a magic Afro and leapt up onto the staff table. He began to strip. They all stared at him for a moment, then Draco joined him and began to sing. "Where is the one, that can set my heart free. . .when, will she, LALALALA. . ." Everyone covered their ears, but Draco suddenly popped into a penguin and waddled off the table.

A loud cackling reached the ears of the gathered crowd, and two stunningly beautiful (yeah, right) girls strutted in and stood in the centre of the room. The taller of the two carried a large grey laptop, and both were dressed in bodysuits of tight leather. They pushed Dumbledore off the table (to boos and hisses from Professor McGonagall) and started to sing, "WHY DON"T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD!!!" The penguin came forward hopefully, but Ron shoved him aside and began to dance dirty with the redhead. The one with the laptop looked at the penguin with an analytical stare and typed something on the keyboard. The penguin suddenly popped again and turned back into an extremely snoggable Draco Malfoy, complete with leather pants (read Draco Dormiens - Veritas for details.) Just as Ron and Claire (the redhead) and Katie and Draco were really hitting their stride, Professor McGonagall started screaming hysterically at them. "REWIND! REWIND! THIS IS NOT how it's supposed to happen in Book 5! I have read the script, and I should know that two inappropriately dressed girls in leather DO NOT show up in the Welcome feast and start-er- snogging two of our main characters! THIS IS NOT HOW THESE THINGS WORK!!!!!"

Claire and Katie flipped out their poetic licenses and chorused, 'We, lady, are HP fanfic authors! We can do what we want, and we, for your information, are controlling what you say! In fact, we are just about to make you recite the love letters you sent to Hagrid last year!"

"I- never-" she spluttered, face going red.

SCREEEEECH

Claire: Let's save her a little bit of embarrassment.

Katie: Nah, this is fun! I wanted to write that letter!

Claire: But that really is her private business.

Katie: So was your diary.

Claire: WHAT!!! you read my diary? I cannot believe this!

Katie: Actually, I was just freaking you out. I've never even seen your diary. (Or have I?) But how come she had to come along in the first place? This was just getting interesting!

Claire: We put her there.

Katie: Really?

Claire: Darf.

Katie. Shite. Oh well. Continue, House-elves!

CREEEEAAAKK (house elves start pulling the story)





Draco turned back into a penguin.

SCREEEECH

Katie: This sucks! You can't keep turning Draco into a penguin! I'm switching!

Claire: Fine. Ron can turn into a cow sometimes.

Katie: I demand retribution! You are giving me Harry! (At least he's sort of snoggable. . . .

Claire: Make a deal. You have Draco when he's not a penguin, I have Ron when he's not a cow, and we both get Harry when our fictional boyfriends are various types of animal life.

Katie: Fine. But I get to turn Draco back and snog him.

Claire: Fine.

HCEEEERCS (house elf has hiccups)



Katie put away her license and sighed. "Look, we really don't have time for this. We're erasing you." And with that, Minerva McGonagall became a pile of eraser shavings. "Better. Now Draco and I have an appointment with a broom closet." They joined hands and skipped out of the Great Hall, singing, "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of snog. . ."

Ron pulled Claire into a tight embrace. "Let's be a bit more mature. WHY DON"T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD!!!!!"



An hour later. . .



"LALALALALA . . .pop!" With a sudden jolt, Ron turned into a cow.



REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP



Claire: Awww . . .

Katie: Ha! Now you know how it feels! Don't worry, Draco and I were having fun with the chains in Filch's office and he just turned into a . . .

Claire: Stop! Too much information. Let's get Harry!!

Katie: 'Don't stop, never give up. . ."

Claire: SHUT UP!!!



PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER

Claire made a quick costume change into a bikini top and jeans, while Katie pulled on a pair of (surprise surprise) more leather pants and a tiny leopard skin bra. (Shirt not included. It was a hot day.) "Katie, I think you're developing a leather fetish."

"What? Where's Harry?"

"Dunno . . .hey, let's hold a snog fest, no farm animals included! I'll get out the laptop and write up some invitations. Where'd you put it?"

Katie suddenly went pale. "Oh, damn . . .this cannot be happening to me . . ."

"What did you do with the laptop? It's not down the toilet again, is it?"

"I told you, my imaginary imaginary friend put it there! But no . . .I left it in the office . . .Draco must have it now . . ."

Claire gasped. "You mean-"

"Yes. Draco now has complete control of this fanfic."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"



SCREEEEEEEEECH

Draco: heheheh. . . .

Katie: You can't do this! I thought you loved me!

Draco: Yes I can, and of course I do. But this was just too good to miss. . PREPARE FOR MIND CONTROL!!!!

Claire: You evil baw-stard!

Katie: That's my boyfriend you're talking about! Shut up- evil baw-stardy is a GOOD thing!

Claire: You're insane. Luckily, I have our tinfoil hats that stop people from mind-controlling us!

Katie: I thought I got rid of those hats!

Claire: HEE HEE . . I made them again! I AM THE ULTIMATE CREATOR!

Katie: Draco's screwing up this fanfic! He's making me say things like COCKADOODLEDOO

Claire: I hate farm animals! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Draco starts the story up again)



Draco sat there, hands poised over the keyboard. "Hahaha! You are now both my sex slaves!"

Katie grinned hopefully. "I guess this could be worse.. . ."

Pop! Draco turned into a penguin. Claire made a dive for the laptop. "Got it. Now, where were we?"

"The snog fest. Let's put it in a bar."

"No, at Hogwarts!"

"How about the Hogwarts bar?"

"There's a Hogwarts bar?"

Katie grinned evilly. "There is now."





A/N Heehee! Okay, more to come soon! Please R&R!