Big
Brotherhood
Hey this is Abi, Ringo's best bud. I helped him write
this and post it online. To e-mail him, you actually end up e-mailing me. But
that's alright, we're practically next door neighbors. Enjoy this! Here's
Ringo:
Hello, I'm Ringo, no not Starr, but
hey, big Beatles fan. Anyway, I'm your host. What you are about to read just
might be the strangest, funniest, and stupidest piece of literature in the
world. I am about to take a certain group of mutants and put them together in a
single house. The person who can stand everyone else the longest wins! Anyone
can leave at anytime they want but can't return. Shifting rivalries, annoying habits,
stupid actresses, I mean…um…mutants, and boredom will be our most intimidating factors.
Let's have a round of applause (or perhaps insults?) for…THE
X-MEN!
Our first guest: Storm. Come one in
Storm!
(thunk)
Uh, Storm? You have to open
the door before you come inside.
Storm:
Oh! Now I see! (opens and enters)
The
next guest is the lovely Mystique!
(Sabretooth
enters)
Sabretooth! I asked Mystique to come
in!
Mystique:
This is Mystique! (turns back into herself)
Ah! This is getting confusing! Toad!
Sabretooth! Eric or Magneto or whatever the heck you call yourself! Professor
X! Jean Grey! Cyclops! Wolverine! Rogue! Get in here!
(they all come in)
Okay everyone! You know the rules!
No deliberate killing, whether you're dreaming or not. Hint, hint—Wolverine!
You can leave anytime you want, but then you don't win.
Wolverine:
Win what?
Um…we'll see when it's all over.
Wolverine:
But…
Let the show begin!
Day
One:
Professor
X: Well, I can't see any reason for not getting along! How about I read
everyone's minds and tell you how to use your powers?
(everyone
gives everyone the Mr. Spock eyebrow)
Wolverine:
I think I'm gonna go upstairs. (everyone agrees)
Professor
X: Wait! I'm in a wheelchair! I can't use those stairs! (nobody listens and
everyone starts up the stairs)
Storm:
(snort) Ha, ha! Stupid cripple! (trips and falls down stairs, breaking arm and
lower back)
(nobody
cares, so we're not going to even to add the screams)
Meanwhile
Upstairs:
Wolverine:
I'm thirsty. Where's the kitchen?
Rogue:
Ah thank it's ova thayer. (points) Were you in the army?
Wolverine
in kitchen: Wow! Nothin' but beer! And, hey! Here's a box of
cigars…(pause)…Hey, guys. I just realized something. Since I have my healing
power, I can drink all the beer I want and smoke cigars till I'm blue in the
face, without ever getting drunk or having health problems! (pause) YESSS!!!!
Meanwhile:
Toad
thinking to himself: I can't stand these losers! I'm gonna hang out on the
ceiling till this whole bloody thing's over!
Jean
Grey: Hey! I'm not a loser!
Toad:
Stupid bloody American mind readers!
Wolverine:
Hey guys! I'm not drunk yet! (chug, chug, chug) And I don't have liver problems
either!!!
Toad:
See?! What'd I tell you? Losers! All losers!!
Well, this is developing nicely! Let's see what's
going on downstairs, shall we?
Professor
X: Great! Just great! The battery on my @#$%ing wheelchair's gone dead! And I'm
stuck down here with this white-haired sob! I wish I was Captain Picard!
Well there you go! So far we've seen
more violence and profanity than in a Stephen King novel!…or not. But this is
only the beginning! Join us tomorrow on…BIG BROTHERHOOD!!!