A/N:

First of all I have to admit that Emily's behavior in this story is probably out of character, but this is in no way meant as character bashing. The idea of Doyle going after her and wanting her back right in the middle of an established H/P relationship – with all the implied consequences – was just too tempting. Expect a ménage à trois and consider yourself warned in case you're not into this.

This was originally planned as a one shot, but after I started writing the story soon developed its own dynamics and I'm not sure as yet how many chapters there will be in total. I'll try to update as soon as I can, meaning most likely not more than once a week, because work and life are pretty demanding recently. Just that you know what to expect.

As always I am interested in what you think – especially since I am a little worried about the general set-up of this story. Too far fetched? Let me know! R&R please!

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Criminal Minds belongs to CBS. I own nothing but a wanton imagination.

She must have seriously pissed someone off in a former life. If there is such a thing. There is no other explanation for this mess. This mess that is her life.

Two years ago everything had been perfect.

Aaron Hotchner, her Unit Chief and the most farouche man she had ever met, had finally had the guts to ask her for a date. Well, it hadn't been exactly a date since their job hadn't allowed this. It had been more like a much too late dinner or much too early breakfast in a shabby diner in the middle of nowhere. And it had been their first and last date at the same time, because – really – dating is overrated when you already had been working together for several years.

Everything had been surprisingly easy and this should have been a warning, because nothing in her life ever is easy and uncomplicated. But back then it had been. The emotional bonding – no problem, as if they both never had dealt with any commitment issues. The fulfilling sex – expected, of course, yet better than Emily ever had dared to hope for (because he actually is anything than farouche in bed). Overall it had felt as if their two lives just had waited for the right moment to intertwine.

Even Strauss hadn't been an obstacle. Aaron – natch – had told her. (And when she had learned about it, Emily had teased him that he probably also had obtained Strauss' approval before sleeping with her for the first time. A joke he never had laughed about by the way.) But obviously Strauss had been convinced that his unit had already been so screwed up that one more failure could be overlooked due to their above average solution rate. Strauss had already made clear years ago that neither Hotch nor Emily would ever make any career moves and in her world there is no worse punishment than this.

Looking back Emily wishes that it is that simple, that career moves are the one and only thing she has to worry about. Anyway – at that time everything had felt just perfect. Had it been a movie this would have been the final credits with soft music. Happy endings. Save that there are no happy endings in Emily Prentiss' life.

One year ago a blast from the past intruded into her perfect fairy tale.

Members of her former CIA team contacted Emily to inform her that her nemesis had escaped from prison. Ian Doyle. One of the most dangerous criminals in the world. Her undercover mission. Her former lover. Her past she desperately wanted to forget. Perhaps nothing would happen. Just be careful and watch out.

But then Doyle started a killing spree. Someone – most likely a mole within the CIA – apparently had given him the real names of the team that had chased him down, including hers, and from then on it was only a matter of time. He took out one after the other. And she knew that she would be the last on his list. Save the best for last. Isn't that what they say?

These days sometimes she wishes that he would have killed her. Doyle had something else in mind though. He forced her to choose, to make a deal – the life of her team, especially Hotch's, in exchange for her being Lauren again. Lauren... She had tried so hard to forget that name. Her fake identity when she had been undercover. The personality that had almost erased her own. The woman Ian Doyle loved, no, still loves.

Doyle knew that she had not killed his son, that she in fact had saved him – from growing up as his successor, always in danger, always on the run; from being a pawn in the games of the CIA to get to him. So he forgave her for taking Declan away and even for betraying him (and isn't that ridiculous that a wanted criminal forgives her?). He just wanted her back and there was no room for negotiation.

He caught her – in the middle of the day, in the middle of the street, still commanded enough men for an unsuspicious diversion – and her choice rather was a necessity to survive and to save her team, to save Aaron. Technically Doyle didn't force her to sleep with him, but he made clear what was at stake if she rejected him – no room for negotiation indeed. What should have felt disgusting and repulsive though, felt... somehow good instead. Ian Doyle always had been a skilled lover and he hadn't changed. And it was so easy for her to become Lauren again that it scared the shit out of her. But worst of all it made her feel... free in a dark and reckless way. Living without consequences. As if such a thing existed.

We think like them. The sentence flowed through her mind over and over when she was with Doyle again for the first time. A quote from a discussion she had had with Morgan once about the difference between them and the monsters they were chasing – or rather the not existing difference save that they are officially the good guys with the badge, because to catch a monster you have to think like one.

Doyle let her go afterwards, just let her go, as if it had been nothing but a casual irrelevant encounter, obviously certain that she wouldn't tell anyone about it – especially not the man who probably would kill him for this despite his code of honor. And he was right. Emily told no-one. Too ashamed to reveal her past as an undercover agent and the prize she had paid for profiling Doyle. And even more ashamed of this unfamiliar and up to now repressed character trait that welcomed his threats to make her sleep with him as the only possible way to act out her dark and reckless side that felt so addictive.

Emily had crossed the line with Ian Doyle back then and crossed it once more nowadays, not only thought like the monsters she was chasing every day, but acted upon it.

Two hours Doyle held her captive. Two hours that could be explained away conveniently with an extended, albeit rare, shopping tour on a sunny weekend. Two hours that changed everything.

The next times Doyle didn't have to catch her anymore. He asked Emily to come to him and she followed his orders and pretended that she had no other choice.

She was Lauren all over again.

And here she is today – living and breathing proof that nothing in her life will ever be all right.

When she is with Aaron she is calm and content. Life is a river, soft and gentle. The cases they solve are still gruesome and haunting. The rest though is steady. He lets her recover her balance; something that is becoming increasingly difficult for her recently and more and more she fears that he might see the first crazes in the facade she desperately tries to keep up. Hotch is the last link to herself, to her real self these days. She loves him, deeply, and no matter what she might be guilty of – this is no lie and will never change.

When she is with Ian she is reckless and wild. Life is a roaring ocean and she never knows what is waiting for her round the next corner. Every time she is with him she turns into her alter ego, Lauren, immediately and is out of balance afterwards. Cause and effect. She doesn't love him although she believes that he loves her – at least as much as a man like him is able to feel love or something similar to it. Still she can't stop seeing him. He is her shameful addiction.

She doesn't want to live only one of those lives, but it is slowly killing her that she lives both. Like parallel universes. At times, when she wakes up, she doesn't know anymore who she is – Emily or Lauren.

She never has been a cheater and in a weird way she doesn't consider what she does cheating, because to Aaron she is Emily and to Ian she is Lauren, even after all this time, even if he knows this is not her real name and calls her "love" anyway. She knows she is whitewashing this impossible situation, but in lack of better arguments this is what she tells herself.

The days pass by, turning into weeks and months. Her life is slipping from her grasp and she doesn't know how to retrieve it.

Something will happen soon – that's the only thing she is sure of. It's inevitable.

To be continued