To Infinity and Beyond

"I'm not resigning …. And neither are you". Charlie had grumbled.

At those words Will's thoughts had frozen. He stopped listening to the stream of consciousness tumbling from the older man's lips. Rather Charlie's earlier words bounced round and round Will's brain as the muscles in his chest constricted causing short shallow breathes; his blood hammered in his ears.

"You agree with what I'm saying?" Charlie demanded a reply presently

Will recovered quickly, he's a wordsmith after all and used to making things up on the spur….sounding good without actually saying anything specific was second nature…first even….

"I believe, except for the things we did wrong, we did everything right and I can't live with Mac taking the blame for…." Will trails off, over-taken by his own thoughts once more.

As Charlie continued his monologue-style argument, Will's brain whirred into gear digesting Charlie's message.

Will's brow furrowed slightly and his skin felt clammy. Withdrawing their resignations will leave Mac exposed, he realized. Mac will carry the blame for Genoa. All of it! No matter what comes later for him and Charlie or any of the others.

Wills heart raced and he could almost feel his blood pounding round his body- his stomach clenched, he felt queasy.

Because everyone will know he was the one who did this to her, who fired her. Fired Mac…..their Mackenzie.A last act of retribution they'll all think.

At least by 'all' Will now means everyone he cares about, his team, his people, his friends, real people with names. The ethereal audience is no longer his sole or even premier yardstick. And she has done this for him, given him this. Mac has made his life so different, him so different, connected. And they'll all know. And now he cares.

So….he must not allow this to happen- Mac cannot take the blame. He will not take the responsibility for giving it to her alone, through his act of dismissal. He is not that person. This fiasco has to stop, right now, before the broadcast ends. Before her employment status goes public. And he only has …what? 11 minutes to do it and get back on air.

Fuck, fuck, fuck….. he feels the panic building in his chest, his thoughts jumbling. How?

Once, Mac would have done anything for him. If he'd admitted to her that he cared about how it looked, she would have agreed to stay and stand beside him and Charlie, against Dantana's legal assault. But that was back in the day. (Well earlier today anyway.) Would she do anything for him now, even if he begged? Even if he had the time to explain, would she listen? Of course she would, she's no Will McAvoy…. not remotely close.

But he had no time to check this out. And he had always, always been able to count on her professionally—well in every way actually, with only one exception.

But now there was the ring.

That damn circular token of commitment that had finally brought them full circle. She had been so hurt and angry and… fucking brave about it. Why had he told her? Had he wanted to hurt her? He had no idea- except perhaps he had changed too and felt he did not want lies lying between them anymore. Yeah that was it, the reason he was apologising for an act of betrayal of trust that she had not even realised he'd inflicted on her. (Something feels familiar and important about this but there's no time to process that just now.) And he had wanted to make it right, to stop carrying that guilt, to prepare to start again. He had not intended to hurt her with this right now, or ever again really. The ring had already served it's purpose. But he'd felt compelled to confess when she brought it up, before she was gone. To show her he did not want her to go? That he'd changed? How had he ever thought that telling her about the ring would convey all that? Seriously..?

He recalled her expression as she processed his words in the hair and make-up room. The shock in her eyes turning to anger and then quickly to a small, wistful smile of acceptance. Her facial muscles playing their part in shielding her pain from the world as she left the room. She was so familiar with the need to cover the hurts he easily and repeatedly inflicted.

But there was worse. Mac had actually sent him away from her across the room, his thoughts screamed – this was new, this was the problem. He couldn't take enough air into his lungs as he remembered their exchange; was it the beginning of the end, their end, the end of them? He felt faint, the room spun, he was going to vomit.

Will had known there had been no chance she would hit him. He'd known, she'd known it too. She was fully in control of herself in that way – he knew that much; knew her that well at least. But things between them had changed, and for the first time she'd actually commanded him to move away from her. And it hurt, it fucking hurt so much.

The many times he had sent her away spiralled through his head- over Brian Brenner, through her return to News Night and in the hospital because of her presumed rejection of him via the voice mail message she had never received. What the fuck… He had said and done so much to hurt her and she had taken all the blame. Always, she'd returned his unkindness with care and forgiveness.

Always!

But not this time! This time she had seen through him. It was all him and he had a 10 minute window to fix this before getting back on air or she would be gone and everyone would know he had done it. Neither of these could happen.

But how? How does he persuade Mac to be unfired, against her better judgement, against her determination to take the greatest proportion of blame and to sacrifice herself for everyone else, himself included. Himself especially. It had to be possible but…only 9 minutes left.

He needed something unexpected, to take her by surprise, to make her an offer she couldn't refuse. He remembered the pained look of longing on her face when he first showed her the ring. Her words "That's the ring that will do it" popped into his head.

Even as his plan was forming, his conscience screamed at him. Using Mac's hopes against her to get what he wanted was unfair. She deserved better. She did. He knew it.

He recalled how his forgiveness had been hers unreservedly that first night in May 2011, only to evaporate during the crushing depressive episode that followed until mid-August when he learned she had never heard his message. He had come to distrust his instincts about her, their mixed messages confirming his punishments and her presumed rejection.

He had never returned to that place of forgiveness, but he was getting near. Since Nina he really was. It was just that he now knew first-hand how he would feel if she really rejected him. And that reality had made it almost impossible to give her the chance, to pass the initiative to her. While he had control of the decisions about "them" he could breathe….just. His hope could not be crushed.

But now there was no time to work on a better solution if he was going to succeed. Less than 8 minutes 15 seconds to air. And anyway, Will justified himself, his scheme was in Mackenzie's best interests. What she'd wanted all along according to Charlie and Slone and Jack and well everyone if all the eye rolls and knowing glances were to be believed. But really he just had to cover up his mistake… now… and he would deal with his readiness for commitment tomorrow. He would, and he would start by stopping hurting Mac and it would all come right. It would. Really! Loving her had never, never been the problem. Nothing could possibly go wrong because losing her would never be right!

Now Charlie was staring at him expectantly…awaiting his response less than patiently.

"Will?" Charlie prompted. "It's gotten strange now….are you able to hear me speaking?"

"She…except for the things she did wrong, she did everything right too… the rest was me…I'm lost…." Will muttered more to himself than to a very surprised News Division chief, as he scrabbled in his desk drawer and left the room at a run to do whatever he'd had to do next and say whatever he'd had to say next to get himself engaged to Mackenzie.