Disclaimer: Legitimately, I own no franchises that I can think of. Especially not the Teen Titans or Harry Potter ones.

AN: Do you ever get the strangest feeling that people are taking cartoons too seriously? Or how about not seriously enough? It's a tragedy, I know, I know. Nevertheless, such things make me blush.

EVERYONE IS TERRIBLE:
Especially Raven

The story begins like this: Starfire was injured. She was hurt by a bad guy, or a robot, or a tree or something. Shit always happens. Anyways, she was out of commission for a while, so everyone else had to pick up the slack. No big deal.

This is of course in a world, closer to canon, where people aren't terrible. At least, they're only terrible sometimes in fairly understandable ways. What I mean is, in this world, nothing pointlessly bad happens because, just like in the show, people were not mysteriously bitchy. Inversely, they also weren't like magic perfect super-dupers, so that was good too. Kind of boring, isn't it?

Now the point is this: there are lots of worlds, permutations of the whole where certain unnamed people are raised to some ridiculous height, which is a feat often called Mary Sue. So like, this is a bad thing, trust me. What happens, which is kind of worse, is this thing I'm going to call 'Abuse' where we take too average characters, Joe Suck-And-Fuck and Suzy Pineapple, and they get warped into Saint Joe, the Mary Sue, and Suzy 'The Bitch.' They interact and shit happens to Joe because he's so fucking perfect that Suzy metaphorically shits all over him. This is seriously a pain in my head to read, usually. I say usually because, hey, I'm fair. Things like genre and plot devices don't really affect the quality of the writing, although they are usually good indicators of it. For example, if someone decides to write about how Harry Potter seduces Ron Weasley at the age of four years old, that's a sign that the potential reader is in for some bad times.

However, this is not always the case. Sometimes they can be written well. So, if a world where everyone is magical super mega awesome can be a swell read, and Abuse types might be good too, then so might the premise behind tonight's entertainment: EVERYONE IS TERRIBLE. Subtitle: ESPECIALLY RAVEN.

So anyway, in this everyone is terrible universe, Starfire got hurt pretty bad, same as before. Difference being that now in this universe, Raven thinks thusly: "Ah hah, now he is mine!" So, stealthily, sneakily, she makes her move.

Beast Boy, all alone in the living room, with only his material possessions keeping him company. "Ahhh all my objects!" he wailed. Then Raven stepped out of the walls or some shit. You know the drill, or at least you should. You really, really, should.

"Do you need any help?" she asked, sweet as a spider. Needless to say, he went into fighting stance, because he was NO fool.

"What have you done with the real Raven?" he talked. Wait, talked? Is that even a real word? Beast Boy, can you do anything right?

"I am the real Raven! I have been this way all along! Muah hah hah!" I guess there must have been something in the way she stood or like, spoke that let Beast Boy know of how much roiling bitch there was teeming inside her. Like, a lot of bitchiness. Ooh, he's animal man, right? Pheromones, he could smell how terrible a person she was.

So he was like, "Bitch." She was like MAGIC TIME AHHHHHHHHHH!

So she growled out this spell: BUTT-US FUCK-US SPELL-US, which may very well translate to "Mystical Fire Hydrant Spell of wonder/delight."

This caused Cyborg to come dancing in saying, "Well, as you know, us robot types have to do what the magic tells us to do, and if magic wants me to have some butt-time with old Gary over there, I can't help it." This was a lie, which Raven thought was pretty neat.

So yeah, Robin was up in his area smoking a bowl of various illicit and unprescribed pharmaceuticals, that is to say DRUGS. It makes sense I mean how can someone be so straightlaced and not be blazin' nightly? Anyway, the combination of drugs reminded Raven of the incense smell of the Temple on Azaroth as well as the sulfuric smell of her papa, which made her like, horny I guess. So, point being she tried to sex him. Tried being the operative word. You see, his WANG was going up because she was decent looking around the sex areas, and was going down because of the shit ton of substances in his body. So, his dick was like just going up and down, up and down. Conicidentally, this tapped out the Tameranian Morse Code Analog word for 'Help' on his belly, which due to a very specific superpower that she had recently developed, like right that instant, allowed Starfire to hear that word.

Robin and Raven froze as the door was smashed. Out of the smoke walked Starfire. She said, "I came here as fast as I could." Then she lifted her skirt. "Came, get it? Because I have a penis." She was no liar.

And no one was ever happy again, which they all deserved because of how terrible they were.

The End.

AN:

I wrote this a few years ago and when I went to reread it on a whim, I was expecting to be real real annoyed at how I used to write or talk. Instead, I thought it was hilarious and was sad I hadn't uploaded it a while ago. Hell yeah, past me!