Narcissus
By: Neko-chan
A/N: This story is dedicated to Tam Chronin because... Well, without her help and support, I would have stopped after chapter one of "Split Into Two." Your reviews have really helped a lot and I KNOW that I would have stopped writing for CCS without your support. Domo arigatou.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own. You don't sue. The end.
WARNING: Clow/Yue and lots of Yue&Yukito/Touya!
It was dark. So very, very dark. It seemed endless--an eternity of never-ending darkness. Usually, I loved the darkness. The silky blackness of it all, caressing me gently with its sensuous touch. But...in the darkness, there was always the moon. That was why I loved the darkness. After all, how could I not? The darkness was when my powers peaked. And yet... And yet...
This darkness was different. For some reason, I could sense that this darkness wouldn't be ending anytime soon. I was scared. And I hated myself for that fear. Even though I tried my hardest to fight against the darkness, it sucked me in and swallowed me whole. I was stuck.
Trapped on the back cover of the Clow book...never knowing when I would be freed.
Ever so slowly, I drifted away. Cerberus didn't have that problem. His power was of the sun and so he would always have his power...and he was charged with protecting the Cards until... Well, until my own charge was called upon. I was the very last to be called, for I am Judgement.
My power began to wane, much like the various phases of the moon. What would I do when all of my power was completely used up? Fade away forever, I guess. I didn't care overmuch, anyway. Without him...
I was put into this book because of him. Sent here because of his death, told to look after the cards and our new mistress or master. I don't care. No, I really don't. He was the only master worth serving. Ever. He will always have my servitude, my devotion...my love.
After all, he was the very first person who showed me what love is. He will always have my love. I know that we will never meet again--he is gone forever, as much as it pains me to admit it--but he will _always_ have my love. But still... I miss him so much. It's been so long--I've lost count of the years as I've remained a prisoner of this book--but I know that many, many years have passed in the outside world. How many years, though? Lifetimes, surely. And I am still remain a captive of this book.
I hate it.
The only thing left for me to do is relive my memories...but even that embitters me. Each and every single memory reminds me of a past...a past that I cannot return to, no matter how many times I wish it were so. No matter _how_ strong my new master is...they will never be strong enough to use the Return card and send me to where I can be happy once again. I subside into darkness...
~"Yue? What are you thinking of right now, Yue? Sometimes it's so easy to know of what you're thinking. But...there are times like this when you're a complete mystery to me. Tell me of what you're thinking, Yue. Onegai?" He looks at me with those gentle eyes of his. They're warm and full of some encompassing emotion. What emotion is that? I feel as if I should know it...but my mind blanks on me. What _is_ that??
"Nothing... I'm not thinking of anything, Clow-san..." I reply, smiling up at him. I'm sitting underneath our cherry tree. The day is hot, but it's cool under here. The heat almost makes me sleepy...but he is here and I love spending time with him. And so I do not sleep.
Clow-san doesn't reply for a very long time. I begin to worry--have I said something wrong? But, finally, he speaks: "Ai."
I blink. "Nani, Clow-san?"
Clow Reed smiles at me once again. "Ai. Love. Have you ever felt a warming in your heart around a certain person? You don't particularly know why--your heart just does so. It skips an extra beat whenever that person is around and you listen to their every word. Ai. Have you ever felt that way, Yue?"
Once again, I blink and I look down. My cheeks are flushing--I can feel their warmth. Why? Why is this happening? "...hai, Clow-san. I have."
"Ah. So have I, Yue."
I start and look up, staring into his eyes. The emotion in them has warmed even further. Is it an echo of what I feel in my own heart? Is this what it feels like to love? I'm confused...but strangely happy for some reason. Ai.
My heart skips a beat.~
I miss him so much. Even more years have passed, seasons passing into seasons, and still my heart has remained broken. I have grieved. I feel bleak--like winter. Spring seems as if it will never come. And... I do not want it to. The cold feels so much better.
At the end of his life, Clow-san referred to himself as a passing season. Until I finally see him again, I will be winter. My heart is like ice. It will not melt.
~ * ~
Kinomoto Sakura. Our new mistress. In the beginning, I did not want her to become our mistress. How could I not? It would be like she was taking Clow-san's place...and she would never, ever be able to achieve that. And yet... My false form regards her as a little sister. And her brother... My heart skips a beat.
Why?
~ * ~
I... I am beginning to understand our new mistress. It's not much, but I do understand her at least a little bit better. The thing that I find the most interesting is the fact that she doesn't want to take Clow-san's place. She... She told us that she doesn't want to take away our memories of him. I cannot possibly understand this. Wouldn't she _want_ to become the next Clow Reed? And yet... And yet... She told me that memories of the ones that we loved should always stay within us and nothing could ever replace them. She told Cerberus and myself that she doesn't _want_ to replace them.
Maybe... Maybe, just maybe, Yukito's judgement was correct.
It is strange, though. Beginning to trust and respect a whole new mistress. She will never take Clow-san's place--but she doesn't want to. Perhaps there will be a new place in our hearts for her. Cerberus and the Cards have already fallen in love with her. She is righteous and kind...thinking of them first, always. The only one left to bring judgement upon her...is me.
And...
And I think I already know how I will judge.
Touya, though... Touya worries me more than Sakura. My heart skips a beat whenever I'm with him. I already know that my false form loves him. And if my false form loves him...does that mean that I...? That I...?
It hurts too much to think about. I love Clow-san. I always have and I always will. No one and nothing will ever change that. But, still... Still... It doesn't matter in the end. No, it won't.
I have grieved too long and too hard to love anyone else. Always and forever--Aishiteru, Clow-san. There can be no other way. And I want there to be no other way. I am satisfied for loving Clow-san until I fade away. But...why does my heart begin to ache?
~ * ~
He... He knew. From the very beginning, he knew. He could sense me, see me...and yet, he did not care. He stayed with me, befriend Yukito and myself...he did not judge me. And... And he also knew that I was fading, slowly drifting away into oblivion.
He gave me all of the magic he possessed.
Why?
Now whenever I'm around him, my heart speeds up and I feel happy. Warm. Content. Why? Why is all of this happening to me? I love Clow-san...don't I? Am I betraying him by... I... I think I'm falling in love with Touya.
Iie... Onegai... Iie...
~ * ~
It's over. It's finally all over... Clow-san has been reincarnated, but... He told me that Sakura is our new mistress. I'm upset over this...but I'm not angry. I've finally realized why Clow-san wants Sakura to be our new mistress. She's a very kind and loving person. And I know that without her and Touya, I would have never felt again. I'm... I'm glad that she's our new mistress. I even love her. It's not the same as the way that I feel for Touya and Clow-san, but I love Sakura very much.
My final judgement has come and I... I chose to accept her.
The strange thing is, I don't feel bitter about it. In fact, I want to protect her and cherish her. She deserves to be loved because... Well, because she is Sakura. Funny, isn't it?
And though Eriol-san doesn't want to be our master, I... I wish him the best. I hope he lives a happy life, filled with the love that he had taught me to feel. I will miss him very much, though. Very, very much.
And... I have Touya now. Touya--who had given up his ability to see his mother for me. For Yukito, in a way, yes. But he had specifically given his power to _me._ He had known about me from the start and... And he hadn't rejected me.
~Ai.~
What a strange concept. Is it even possibly to love again? Surely... Surely it is, ne? Because I _have_ fallen in love again, no matter how hard I tried to resist against it. Ai. Love. It's funny, in a way...
Aishiteru, Touya.
~ * ~
"Touya?"
"Hai, Yue?"
"Has your heart ever warmed in the presence of someone, sometimes skipping a beat? Has... Has your cheeks ever flushed and you _know_ that it's not because of a fever?"
"Are you talking about love, Yue?"
"...hai."
"Ne, there are only a couple of people that I love. 'Kasaan. 'Tousan. Monster--"
"Yukito and I still think you have a sister complex, Touya."
"...urusei. And... Well, I actually love two people. But, in a way, those two people are actually one person. I've never loved someone in that way, but... But I can't help _but_ love them. Heh. Strange, isn't it?"
"...iie, Touya. Iie."
"Ah."
...Ai...
A/N: Hai, hai, hai. Not my best work. But I'm sick and I don't feel particularly well. I still hope you enjoyed it, though. (If you actually managed to finish reading it. o.O;; ...) And hai--I know that Touya doesn't _actually_ admit his love for Yukito and Yue in the anime series, but... I still think he loves them. And 'sides, Yukito does tell Sakura that he loves Touya and Sakura tells him that she thinks that Touya loves him back. So there. ;-p
So review, onegai, and make a sick cat-girl happy. Ja ne!