Disclaimer: I do not own TDI or TDA.
"I told you, it's no big deal... don't worry about me... I don't matter...." The last words I ever heard him say. He thought... he thought he didn't matter.... He thought no one cared.... But I did... I always did... no matter what... I loved him... and he knew that... So why did he do it? To himself. To me. To us. Why?
It was a few days ago, he was not his cocky, arrogant self. He was dull and rather lethargic. We sat next to each other in our last class of the day, History. I'm not sure what Mr. Daniels was talking about that day, and I guess I never will.
I looked at him. His hood was up and his iPod was on. I couldn't see it, but I could hear it. Over and over again, his favorite song, When I'm Gone, by Eminem played. I didn't much care for the song at first but the more I listened, the more I fell in love with it.
I got a piece of paper out of my backpack, wrote, 'Duncan... you okay..?', and slid it over to him. We always did this. Just passed a little note back and forth. He made me keep each and every one of them. He didn't tell me why at firstAdd to original note why he had her keep the notes!
but I have them all, right here next to me in this folder, organized just like he told me to organize them. And I always have them with me, just like he asked.
Immediately he scrawled something down and sent the paper back my way. 'I need to talk to you.... Our spot?' I couldn't help but smile a touch at the "our spot" part. Our spot. It was… wonderful… peaceful… and all ours. A place we'd gone since we were little. It started out as a "play date" spot. Our moms would take us and we'd just hang out. Then we got older, and things changed. Bad things happened and good things happened. But that's not important now.
'Okay…' I wrote. I couldn't have done anything… or did I? He noticed my nervousness. 'Don't worry, Baby. You didn't do anything wrong. I know you're probably worried or nervous or something, as usual, but don't be. It'll be okay.' He replied. He looked over at me and smiled. It wasn't right. It was forced. It almost looked painful. I wanted to help him. Something was wrong. I needed to know right then. I could've helped him… but I didn't… I didn't help him…
'Alright…' I wrote. He took the paper and wrote a D on the top left and corner. I didn't understand why at the time. I remember when he asked me if I still had them awhile back and I told him of course. So he took them and put a letter on the top left hand corner of each. Some different. Some the same. Which means… I had a long time to help… had I known….
The final bell rang and we all left the classroom. Duncan walked me to my car as per usual. But something was different. He wouldn't look at me. "Goodbye, Court. I love you." He kissed me, not a usual kiss though… it was different… all wrong…. But with that, he left.
I drove down to Cherrywood, an old park that almost no one went to nowadays. A big, old oak tree stood in what could be considered the "back of the park". I saw him sitting there with his head hung, as though he were ruing something he'd done. I walked up to him and stood there. "Duncan…?" I asked nervously, "You want to tell me what's up with you now…?" He looked up and sighed.
I sat down next to him. "Duncan," I started. I wasn't really sure what to say at this point, "Talk to me. That's what I'm here for. You know I'm always there for you, whether you want me to be or not, I am. Please, talk to me…"
"Courtney," He only ever called me just Courtney when he was serious. A tear rolled down my cheek. "Damn it," I muttered.
He chuckled lightly and pulled me into his lap, "Sweetie what's wrong?" I buried my face into chest determined to not let another tear fall. "I don't know you tell me. What's wrong…? I can't bear to see you like this and know that I'm not helping you in any sort of way."
"Courtney, Baby? You know… you're the only thing that keeps me going. You're the only thing that stops me from ending my life. I love you. Please, don't ever leave me." At the time, I thought it was kind of sweet in a way… but now I know that… I wasn't good enough anymore….
"I love you too. And, I won't. I promise." He then got up abruptly, standing me in front of him.
"I have to go. I'm sorry. I just… no more…." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a note. He placed in my hand and folded my fingers around it. "Please, Courtney, please do me this last favor. Do not read this note until tomorrow when you wake up. Please, I'm begging you." He said. I could see tears starting to form in his eyes.
I got scared. Why not until tomorrow? Why is he so sad? What am I missing here?
"Duncan…? What are you not telling me?"
"A lot," He replied, "But I can't… I can't know what I'm going to do to you. I can't see that. I know it's my fault but I can't see my consequence. This is the one time that I really do care about my consequence. But I'm finished. Courtney, Baby, Sweetheart, Princess, I love you with all my heart. Always and forever. I love you, don't forget that, please don't. Goodbye, Love. And like I've told you, it's no big deal... don't worry about me... I don't matter...." He kissed me in the most passionate, heartfelt kiss I've ever gotten from him. It was like he was leaving. And this was Love's way of making it a tad easier, with this one kiss.
And with that he left. Another tear rolled down my cheek.
--
I lay in bed, that note calling out to me, 'Read me Courtney. You know you want to. You know it's uber important.' I sighed. My clock read 1:58am. What's a couple hours early? I could read it now. Maybe… or not… yes I can. YES!
I reached for the note on my nightstand, turned on my lamp, and opened the note. My jaw dropped and tears streamed down my face like a waterfall as I read it.
Dear Courtney, My Love, My Baby, My Heart, My Soul, My Princess,
I'm sorry Court… but I'm finished, with everything. The people. The problems. The world… my life. No more. So I've ended it all the simplest way I could think of. I don't want to write the word, it's not a good word, you're a smart girl, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about…. And I know, if I can go and… well… you know… then I should be able to say what it is. But I don't want you to automatically associate my name or any possible thoughts of me with that word. I mean, I can't help it if you do but I don't want it to be that way. Unfortunately, it probably will be that way. Ugh.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did this. I just couldn't take it anymore. "No more." You know, those were the words that floated around in my head for a long time. "No more." Everything has to end sometime. And I guess I beat whatever was going to end me to the punch, didn't I?
You were the only thing that kept me hanging on. That kept me from doing this sooner. Maybe I should have done this sooner. I should have… I really should have… but as usual I made a mistake. I got to know you. I met you. I liked you. I loved you. I ended it. Had I done it sooner, I wouldn't have hurt you. The worst thing I could ever do. I hurt you. The last thing I ever wanted to do. I. Hurt. You. And I'm sorry. It's not enough. I know. But I'm sorry.
So, I'm sitting here writing this. Wearing your favorite jacket of mine because it still smells like you from the last time I let you borrow it, which was only a day or two ago but your scent still lingers so I feel as though I'm holding you in my arms as I write this letter.
Hate me. Love me. Think however you will of me, however you feel I deserve. I would understand if you hated me. I deserve that. But remember always, I love you, with all my heart, always have, always will. Please Courtney, don't forget me. I know I deserved to be forgotten, but please don't. But do try to move on. Don't hold onto me. Lead a happy life with someone new. It shouldn't be too hard to upgrade from me.
I Love You, Beautiful, Sexy, Baby, Babe, Darling, Sweetheart, Sweetie, Princess, Courtney
-Duncan
P.S.: I know how impatient you are, I knew you'd open this note early. But there's no point in trying to help me. I've done it by now. Goodbye Love.
I knew something was wrong…. I could've helped…. But I didn't….
I set the note down. I couldn't look at it anymore. I stared out my window at the tree that sat directly outside of it. Tears were streaming down my face. Then I noticed something. There was a black pile of something sitting on the branch just outside my window. The branch he would come and sit on just to surprise me. I walked over to my window and opened it. I eased my way over to the black glop. It was familiar. In a way, I knew what it was. I unfolded it. His jacket. The one I love. A simple black zip-up with a little Nike symbol. Not something he was a fan of wearing but I loved it so I often got to wear it.
I put it on, still unsure of why it was there, and curled up in it. It was big enough that I could fit my entire body in it and zip it up around me. I stuck my hands and the pockets and I felt a piece of paper in there. He must have just forgotten to take it out. I pulled it out. It was another note. On the outside it read, 'Court'. I froze. What could this possibly be?
My hands were shaking as I read it.
In the other note I said I was sitting here in your favorite jacket writing this letter. Well that "here" was right here. Where you sit right now. You remember the last night I came over? Well you may have thought I left, and I know you watched me walk away, but I came back. Back to write this letter. And the last one. You may not understand why. And I'm not even sure why I did. I just did…. I sat here wearing the jacket you're probably wearing now, writing. Every now and again I would look up at you. You know, you left your window open that night. So I could see you perfectly. You looked so peaceful. A small smile was on your face as you dreamt whatever that pretty little head of yours dreams about.
Then… the smile left your face. You looked puzzled… then scared… then you were crying…. You shouted out my name. I thought you'd seen me and had gone into one of those sexy little rages you have where you yell at me and scold me and then usually slap me across the face or kick me… well you know where. But I realized you were still dreaming. About me. But it wasn't a good dream. Obviously. I wanted so badly to go and hold you in my arms and tell you it was going to be okay but I figured you'd scream if I awoke you then your parents would come out and well it'd just be a huge fiasco. And we didn't need that.
I just… ugh….
I Love You, So Much,
-Duncan
P.S.: Keep the jacket. Please. I love you.
I remembered that night. I remembered that dream. It was one of the worst nightmares I'd ever had….
Slowly I made my way back into my room. I couldn't even bring myself to walk to my bed. I just collapsed right in front of my window. My body was shaking uncontrollably and tears were streaming down my face. My breathing was out of control.
'You didn't save him! You knew something was wrong! It was right in front of you the whole time! How you could you do this! You are the worst kind of person there is!' I thought to myself.
'No! HE left YOU! You didn't do anything! He never really loved you! He just up and walked away from you!' I argued with myself.
It went on for awhile, the arguing in my head, that is. Until I came to my conclusion.
It's my fault he's gone. I wasn't good enough. I didn't do my job. And now he's gone. Because of me. No questions about it. I did it. Me. Not him. Not anyone else. Me. Me. Me. Me! Me! ME!!
… me… I did it… me… the one who was supposed to love him…. Me….
A/N: This is for… well let's just say he's someone extremely close to me. I love you. I know you won't read this, you don't even know I'm writing this… but that's okay….
Oh uh, hope you liked it. Review. If you want. Don't feel obligated. Just, hope you liked it. Umm, thanks for reading… I suppose…. Bye….