Disclaimer: … If I owned this show... That's not the way it works, kids.
AN: Amusingly, this idea was thought up and written well before I watched the episode with Dex's "friends become lovers" blog post and the necessary amount of angsting-over-April, so this just goes to show, I could write this show. I'm in the UK, so please don't be annoyed if I'm missing something completely obvious to those of you who are episodes ahead.
Feel free to picture the video content to go along with this, including re-enactment and Dex being Dex. This is more a sort of transcript of his running monologue.
The Fringe Benefits Of Friendship.
Because I've been thinking lately, everyone should have a list of excuses to kiss their best friend, particularly if they are interested in them romantically. And some people turn these excuses into opportunities. Throughout this blog entry, we shall explore the reasons using explanation and some highly necessary re-enactment with my very own friend. Yes, I have a real-life friend. If you click on the link that's below this entry, you can find out all about her...
Number One: You're drunk.
The most wonderful of reasons. You're inebriated, how should you know what you're doing? An amazing fall-back if it doesn't work out. Of course, it helps to maintain the image that alcohol has a strong effect on you so that you only need one or two glasses to "get drunk". Hangovers, my friends – just stupid. Not a good idea, no matter what you were thinking at the time.
Number Two: He/she's drunk.
A little like taking advantage, but if they're the type who won't remember it in the morning anyway... Do not attempt to explain this reasoning, ever. It's best if they're drunk enough to never realise, because taking advantage of a friend in any state tends to lead to the loss of said friend, as we will cover in more depth at number four, if ever they gain knowledge of what you did.
Number Three: You're in a highly emotional state.
You can afterwards blame it on, "I'm sorry, I'm just so tired and confused, I never meant to... I wasn't sure what I was doing, I'm sorry." Not that girls have ever done this to me sincerely and broken my heart due entirely to their selfish moment of need. And there is the vague chance that they will kiss back, and then the vaguer chance that this kiss could be something other than a pity kiss...
Number Four: He/she is in a highly emotional state.
Ouch. Stay well away, at least for girls. Even if your intentions are sincere, it's still taking advantage – don't, I beg of you, ask me how – and if she's already emotional, it gives her too much to think about, which makes it a selfish act, children. Take it from someone who knows how girls think, thanks to my wonderful co-blogger and alter ego Sheila.
Boys, I'm not sure about, having obviously never been there myself. The boys I've spoken to agree that this might be allowed, if you're sincere and want to help him through this – obviously not if he has/just finished with a significant other. Watch out for him taking advantage of your feelings in this state, though. Same with girls, if you even attempt it. Don't let anyone use you just because they're upset.
Number Five: You're going away for a long time.
A kiss is somewhat acceptable then, if you're particularly close – best on the cheek or forehead, accompanied by a friendly hug, but if you're going to be away for longer, you might as well go for it.
Number Six: Avoidance.
No, not you: we're talking ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, creepy/clingy people in clubs, past crushes, anyone from a previous school, you name it. If your friend wants to avoid someone, the safest bet is generally to pretend you're a couple. Your friend gets to avoid this person, you get to kiss them to aid their pretence that you're "sorry you're not talking much, you're just so wrapped up in each other". It's a win-win situation, don't you agree?
Number Seven: Avoidance again.
If you want to avoid someone, same can go. Just be sure your friend is willing, not putting up with this because you panic and pay them to save you from an individual.
Number Eight: Sirens flashing.
If you and your friend are anywhere near a crime scene and could be implicated (through no fault of you own, naturally), look to what we've all learned from. No, not Facebook or heartbreak. Movies, TV shows, fiction! If there are police officers in the area, we discover from these gems, you can always be ignored completely if you act like you're together and can't keep your hands off one another. So the next time you hear the noise of police sirens and glimpse flashing lights, simply share a kiss with your friend. Couples could never possibly be involved in crime, so nothing works quite so well, except perhaps a lawyer or an alibi.
Number Nine: More lies.
They need to tell their parents or other friends that they are dating someone for whatever reason, most likely to escape a blind date. Same as all other pretend-to-be-together options, except focusing on the loving and cute side of the (false) relationship, complete with hand-holding and "Your daughter's just so beautiful, and she looks so much like you. Are you sure you're not her sister?" or "I can see where your son gets his looks from. And he's a perfect gentleman." with the occasional made-up inside joke.
Number Ten: You happen to need a kiss appearing on your blog...
Thank you very much, April. Incidentally, I have created a short blog entry in your honour, which you'll find by following the link below. And thank you again.
AN: Review and I may write "the link below". If anyone reads Home & Away fanfic anymore, that is, which would surprise me considering that the character list hasn't been updated in years. I hope you enjoyed, and that I got Dex's voice and character right.