Welcome, my faithful readers! I have recently completed this book, and I felt it… necessary… to write this! I hope you all enjoy reading it! I know I certainly enjoyed typing it up!
It was eventide in the tremendously vigorous municipality of Indianapolis. Our burgeoning protagonists ambulated amidst the menial civilians of their admissible metropolis. Aforementioned mainstays, established as Hazel and Augustus, were debating a matter of utmost significance.
"Oh, do not auscultate the sentiment of those obscene serfs. I consider it to be quite sagacious!" Hazel exclaimed to her beau Augustus.
"Mmpfh!" He muttered betwixt a considerable obstruction in his estuary. Augustus meticulously dislocated the offending comestible from his embouchement. "That is better. My Big Mac metaphor is blatantly shrewd! I insert the Big Mac between my lips, and it is metaphorical because I do not masticate a substance that could make me obese! It has nix competency!"
Hazel placed her hand on his shoulder, "Yes that's very nice-" Her eyes opened in shock.
Augustus glanced to his side at her, equally surprised, "Are… are we finally free?"
"I think we are!" Hazel jumped up and down, completely ignoring the air tank that she'd been apparently lugging the entire time. She threw An Imperial Affliction from her hand into the sewer nearby. "Finally! I am so sick of carrying around this stupid book all the time! It's like I have no other important interest other than that one cancer book!"
Augustus followed suit and threw his cigarette and Big Mac into the sewer along with Hazel's book. "I can stop putting stupid shit between my lips to seem 'deep' and 'complicated'! Seriously, what teenager does that?!"
"At least it doesn't top the whole attending-your-own-funeral thing. Seriously, why would anyone want to do that?"
"Even worse, I can't believe we threw eggs at that poor girl's house though…" Augustus pondered, "I mean having a boyfriend with cancer is a lot of stress. He just went blind for god's sake! I get that he needed emotional support, but she has feelings too you know. I don't think she really deserved to be treated like shit for it."
"Maybe we should egg Isaac too!" Hazel gleefully exclaimed.
Gus laughed at the ridiculous thought. "At least we can finally stop spouting pseudo-philosophical, pseudo-intellectual bullshit every third line! There are so many more topics open to us now! What's your favorite sports team? Color? Best elementary memory? How was it that you managed to make all these 'clever' analogies and observations of the world, but you couldn't understand such a simple literary device as an ambiguous ending?"
Hazel jollily laughed and hugged Gus, "Who cares, we have all the time in the world now that-"
Just as the two were embracing both of their eyes glazed back over and they mechanically held hands.
"I resolve to stroll to the literature repository and acquire my sixteenth transcript of An Imperial Affliction" Hazel loftily communicated.
"Oh my astute Hazel-Grace," Augustus cajoled, "I suppose I shall amble to the convenience store and procure another pack of cigarettes."
The duo continued on their way, blissfully unaware of their few moments of freedom.
At the same time our tragic heroes lost their newfound freedom, a man dropped back into his computer chair. Unaware of his character's fleeting moments of independent thought, be began working on the final chapter of his newest tearjerker The Faults in our Stars. He could already see the teenage girls falling over themselves in sadness with his final chapter.
"Hey guys, come look at this!" He yelled back at the four doors behind him. Three girls walked out from behind the doors. Alaska, Margo, and Katherine all walked into the large room wearing various video game, anime, cartoon, comic book, and hipster paraphernalia. "Look at all the large, intelligent words these characters are using! How mature are they! It's almost like I'm not even writing human beings anymore!"
All three girls jumped up and clapped their hands together excitedly. This new addition would definitely ensure their master's role as a great YA author. How could it not, he was using big words and complicated 'metaphors'! Realistic teenagers are totally into that stuff!
John Green slowly shook his head; he looked very pleased with himself. "Man, look at how clever I am. How can anyone not think I'm clever? I use unrealistic metaphors and big words!"
The girls jumped up in excitement again. After about five full minutes of 'squee' this and 'hurray' that John sent them off.
"Please ladies, go be underutilized romantic resources somewhere else," He waved them off; "I have work to do!"
The girls all ran off, supposedly to go search for nerdy little boys to bring out of their shells while their great leader's fingers danced over his keyboard, typing a continuous stream of pseudo-intellectual garbage that would be used to woo teenagers all over the world.
I disliked this book.
No, I hated this book with a burning, fiery passion. I would go into it, but then the review would become longer than the actual story it's in. I have no idea why everyone seems to be cumming over it, it's nothing special at all.