Title: Imitation of Life
Author: WildCherry45
Notes: Set in Season 2. Haley has left for NYC and Nathan is left at home, alone, in Tree Hill.
Disclaimer: As usual, I own nothing. Mark Co. own all. Yellowcard owns the lyrics below.
"Waking up from this nightmare… how's your life, what's it like there? Is it all what you want it to be? Does it hurt when you think about me and how broken my heart is?"
-
It was already nearing 2:30 AM when she first heard the message.
She had just stumbled into her darkened hotel room, her fingers fumbling with her jacket zipper as she fell onto the bed. Sleep was only moments away and at that point her eyes were already shut. She never could go to sleep without a proper cleansing ritual, however and so, when she opened her eyes a few minutes later, she was more than surprised to find flashing lights beaming on the ceiling. Confusion stirred within her before she realized that the light was coming from her cell phone.
She flipped on her phone and for the next five minutes, she could not move. There in the darkness with only the glow from the cell phone, her shock was illuminated. In the palm of her hand, beaming proudly was a picture she had taken of Nathan only a few weeks before, below that, in bold black print was 'new message'.
By the time she finally snapped from her dazed thoughts, her cell phone had reverted back to sleep mode and the lights had stopped flashing. The darkness of her hotel room consumed her once again. Consciously aware of the consequences, her right index finger pressed down at a random button on her cell phone and again, the picture and words beamed back at her. Swallowing the nervousness in her throat, she dialed her voice mail. The digitally recorded voice sounded into her ears, asking her if she wanted to hear her new message. She pressed her password into the phone, hesitating for a moment before finally pressing pound.
The message began to play but all there was, was silence. Her brow furrowed and she was about to hang up when she heard it, barely audible but there nonetheless.
"I miss you."
The phone slipped from her fingers and she remained there on the bed, frozen. She blinked a few times, her eyes uncharacteristically dry. She was supposed to cry now, she thought. Yet, no tears came out. All she could do was stare at the blank wall in front of her.
Was she supposed to call back? Was she ready for that? Should she go back to Tree Hill? Or was she supposed to continue the tour?
What did she want?
The questions remained unanswered and in the quiet moments of night, she found that the answers that she desperately craved were unreachable. She could not emerge from this unscathed. No matter what she did, someone would be hurt. Someone already was hurt. She had reacted rashly and her actions had been selfish, she knew. There in New York, on the surface she was embracing her dreams but within her, she knew there was more to what she did than dreams… she was running away.
Nathan had given her an ultimatum that had crashed her reality into jarred, broken pieces. The logical part of her knew that the rationale in packing her bags and leaving on a bus to New York with people had barely even knew was scarce but in that moment, in her deluded mind.. it was what made sense. In no way did that justify her actions but for the past few days, she had been struggling to stay in that mindset.
Three words destroyed her fabrication of logic.
Had it really only been hours since she last left Tree Hill? There in New York, in front of masses fawning over her voice, it seemed to have been so much longer than that. It felt natural, what she was doing, singing… performing. It felt like a second nature.
She didn't think it would be this easy. In all honesty, she had expected to fall flat on her face and fail during her first performance but she had embraced the crowd's energy and something clicked inside of her.
This was where she belonged. Not Tree Hill. Not with Nathan. And, it stayed that way until sixty seconds ago.
Her dilemma was placed ever so crassly in front of her now. She could either stay or leave. It was as simple as that.
She had managed to pack her bags, leaving all that she knew and all that she had trusted for her entire life, once. She could do it again, leaving her dreams behind for the man that she was supposed to love, cherish and honor for the rest of her life. Supposed to.
No, she said to herself, she did. When she married Nathan, she had done it for a reason. She did it because she loved him. She did it because he made her feel more alive than anyone or anything ever could.
Even the fulfillment of her dreams.
She flipped on the light switch, the dimmed hotel lights filling up the room in all its synthetic and gloomy glory. She pushed the hair out of her face before bending down and picking up the cell phone, not closing it yet though keeping it cupped in the palm of her hand.
She should call him. She should say something to him. Even if she was still stuck in a world of confusion, the least she could do was talk to him and give him an explanation. Though, she wasn't entirely sure what she would say… what she should say.
She wasn't even sure if there was a proper explanation. She left him. After only a few months of marriage, she left her husband for an opportunity she wasn't even sure was solid.
No explanation would ever make sense out of an action like that. She was not there in New York to search for some mysterious part of herself that she had never known. She was not there for soul searching. In that moment, she felt that she wasn't even there for herself.
How could she explain that to Nathan? He was a simple man. He wanted concrete answers and she just couldn't give that to him. She didn't have all the answers. She was satisfied with not having them. She liked mystery, she craved excitement and she needed obscurity.
It was overwhelming having her whole life laid out like that in front of her. If she had stayed in Tree Hill, she already knew what her future would consist of. A decent college education, her energy dedicated mainly to Nathan, their future family… her life would forever be integrated with her husband. That was one of her responsibilities and expectations as a wife. It was what she had been meant for.
She was only sixteen. And, that heady feeling of dread and doomed had consumed her and though her mouth kept denying the fact that she was intentionally driving her marriage into the ground, she knew inside that some small, sick part of her wanted freedom. She wanted her life back and she wanted to pursue her dreams.
Without Nathan. Without her husband.
Perhaps she did know some of the answers but it wasn't one that would suffice for Nathan. He would want to know it all and he would ask her why.
She couldn't tell him that. She couldn't even tell herself. The entirety of the reason was beyond them at this point. It was better if it stayed there instead of picking at it, hoping bits and pieces would fall into logic. It was so much more complicated than her own selfishness or stupidity.
She was weak, she knew. She couldn't face it just yet. She closed her palm and the phone clicked shut.
She didn't call him back that night.
-
A/N: I'm a little iffy about this one. So, any feedback would be lovely. .