A Very Odd Disclaimer Which Becomes A Self-Insertion
I was sitting at my computer, trying to type an Animorphs Fan-Fic. However, when I had to type the disclaimer...I just couldn't do it. I would not say that the Animorphs weren't mine. So instead, I did something very strange. Instead of the disclaimer, I wrote:
ANIMORPHS ARE MINE! MINE, I TELL YOU, MINE! ALL WILL OBEY ME, POSSESSOR OF THE ANIMORPHS! (Evil laugh!)
At that moment, there was a blinding flash, and a thunderous voice came out of nowhere. "YOU DON'T OWN THE ANIMORPHS AND YOU KNOW IT!"
"I AM THE OMNIPOTENT FAN-FIC WRITER MERSANG AND I SAY THAT THE ANIMORPHS ARE MINE!" I roared back.
"I AM THE EVEN MORE OMNIPOTENT AUTHOR K A APPLEGATE AND I SAY THEY ARE MINE!"
"YOU!" I shrieked. "YOU TRAITOR! YOU BACKSTABBER! YOU...EVIL, EVIL PERSON! HOW DARE YOU REVEAL YOUR PRESENCE IN THIS BUILDING?"
"HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH THINGS TO ME? ME? THE ONE WHO CREATED THE ANIMORPHS?"
"YOU SENT THEM OFF ON A SUICIDE MISSION AND DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO TELL YOUR EVER FAITHFUL READERS WHAT HAPPENED! HOW COULD YOU?"
"I—"the voice paused, then asked: "CAN WE STOP TALKING IN CAPITALS? MY THROAT HURTS."
Now, I may be a bit of a hot-head, but I was well aware of the importance of respecting an author. I didn't DO it most of the time, but it might prove helpful to try and get K. A. in a good mood.
"Go on," I told her in my normal voice.
"I had my reasons."
"No more ideas?"
"HOW DARE YOU—I mean, how dare you imply such a thing!"
"You wanted to spend more time on Everworld? Which is, by the way, pathetic compared to the Animorphs?"
"That's a matter of opinion. I don't feel like telling you my reasons, but rest assured that I had them."
"You've forgotten, haven't you? You don't deserve to own the Animorphs! They should belong to someone who gives concrete answers, someone who gives good explanations, someone like..."
"YOU LITTLE—"
"Well, maybe. I was thinking Wraithlord42 or Anonymous-cat, but if you think I have what it takes..."
"You don't."
"Oh, really? Maybe we should bring the Animorphs into this and see what they think."
"Fine!" snapped Ms. Applegate. "On one condition. We will interview the ORIGINAL Animorphs, from the books. They will know about your story, of course, and they will decide which one is better."
"How about all the characters I also use in my story, based on their book counterparts?"
Suddenly, I was in a small crowd of people. I immediately recognized Jake, Marco, Rachel, Cassie, Tom, Aximili (demorphed), Tobias (in hawk form), Visser Three, Loren, Elfangor, and Arbron. In fact, I didn't see anyone I didn't recognize.
"For convenience's sake, I put your Esp in Tom's head," KA told everyone.
"What are we doing here?" Jake asked. He sounded dazed.
"We—that is, KA Applegate and I—want you to vote on who you prefer, based on our stories."
"And you are..." said Marco.
"A teenager who writes Animorph stories on FanFiction.Net under the pen name Mersang. So far, there's only one, but there'll be more."
"Of all the people on that website, why is it that only the ones with weird pen names do self-insertions?"
"Actually, this wasn't supposed to be a self-insertion, but when I didn't type the disclaimer, Ms. Applegate got mad."
"You know both our stories, so who's do you prefer?"
"Well, since Mersang hasn't finished, we can't really vote," Jake said nervously.
Technically, Ms. Applegate never finished either, Elfangor pointed out. Perhaps we should vote based on their work to date.
I prefer Mersang, said Aximili. She didn't make you die.
I prefer KA for that very reason. At least she gave me vengeance! Visser Three proclaimed.
"Yeah, but you still lost," Loren reminded him. "I vote Mersang. She didn't make me an amnesiac."
"Actually, there's a cool story there. It's going to be posted in Elfangor Lives! Chapter Eleven, your point of view," I told her.
"We both prefer Mersang, too," said Tom/Esp. "I'm not a cannibal—and I get a nice Yeerk!" Tom grimaced. "Did I just say that?"
"Sorry," I muttered. "You're not going to change your vote, are you?"
"Nah. No point."
I vote Mersang as well, Arbron added. She actually gave my perspective.
I'm only voting Mersang because the thought of agreeing with Visser Three makes me sick, Elfangor grumbled, shuddering.
And the fact that she keeps you alive had nothing to do with it, said Arbron sarcastically.
Mersang, said Tobias. She doesn't make Elfangor or Rachel die.
"I think we should stay with KA Applegate," said Cassie softly. "I don't agree with all of her decisions, but we do owe her our existence." Visser Three/Esi glared at her, furious that one of the so-called 'Andalite Bandits' had dared to agree with him.
"Sorry, guys, but I'm voting KA too," said Marco. "Just because I actually get a few dates in her stories."
Rachel seemed in shock. "I'm with Cassie. I mean, you seem nice and all, Mersang...but we do owe KA."
I nodded. "It's your decision. Jake, your vote is?"
"KA Sorry."
"YES!" KA's voice was triumphant. She seemed to have overcome her sore throat. "I WIN!"
"No, you don't," Esp argued, pointing at a scoreboard that had conveniently appeared. "Mersang's ahead by one vote. Besides, the polls aren't closed yet."
Who's left? Visser Three demanded.
"Alloran, obviously." Esi was suddenly in a Yeerk pool so Alloran could speak for himself.
I...I can't believe I'm agreeing with that...slug...but I vote KA. She set me free in the end.
"Way later than you should have been, though," I muttered.
"What did you say?" KA said sharply.
"I said, that means the score is tied."
"Then I get to keep them. They were mine in the beginning, so they're mine now!"
"The tie means we have to share."
"What are you two talking about?" Rachel asked.
"This whole thing was a debate about the copyright law surrounding you guys. I wanted to break that law and say that I owned you guys, even though KA does."
"Mersang," KA told me. "If I gave up the rights to the Animorphs, every kid on FanFiction.Net. would be fighting over them."
"Well, since I'm asking nicely, can I have the rights to the Animorphs anyways?"
"NO! I AM THE OMNIPOTENT AUTHOR KA APPLEGATE AND I OWN THE ANIMORPHS!"
"WELL, I AM THE OMNIPOTENT FAN-FIC WRITER MERSANG AND I SAY SINCE THE VOTE WAS TIED WE HAVE TO SHARE!"
Unfortunately for this fan-fic writer, a SWAT team then showed up, took away the Animorphs, deleted my claim on them, and none of the courts I went to seemed to think that the votes of fictional characters were valid evidence for a lawsuit.
I was sitting at my computer, trying to type an Animorphs Fan-Fic. However, when I had to type the disclaimer...I just couldn't do it. I would not say that the Animorphs weren't mine. So instead, I did something very strange. Instead of the disclaimer, I wrote:
ANIMORPHS ARE MINE! MINE, I TELL YOU, MINE! ALL WILL OBEY ME, POSSESSOR OF THE ANIMORPHS! (Evil laugh!)
At that moment, there was a blinding flash, and a thunderous voice came out of nowhere. "YOU DON'T OWN THE ANIMORPHS AND YOU KNOW IT!"
"I AM THE OMNIPOTENT FAN-FIC WRITER MERSANG AND I SAY THAT THE ANIMORPHS ARE MINE!" I roared back.
"I AM THE EVEN MORE OMNIPOTENT AUTHOR K A APPLEGATE AND I SAY THEY ARE MINE!"
"YOU!" I shrieked. "YOU TRAITOR! YOU BACKSTABBER! YOU...EVIL, EVIL PERSON! HOW DARE YOU REVEAL YOUR PRESENCE IN THIS BUILDING?"
"HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH THINGS TO ME? ME? THE ONE WHO CREATED THE ANIMORPHS?"
"YOU SENT THEM OFF ON A SUICIDE MISSION AND DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO TELL YOUR EVER FAITHFUL READERS WHAT HAPPENED! HOW COULD YOU?"
"I—"the voice paused, then asked: "CAN WE STOP TALKING IN CAPITALS? MY THROAT HURTS."
Now, I may be a bit of a hot-head, but I was well aware of the importance of respecting an author. I didn't DO it most of the time, but it might prove helpful to try and get K. A. in a good mood.
"Go on," I told her in my normal voice.
"I had my reasons."
"No more ideas?"
"HOW DARE YOU—I mean, how dare you imply such a thing!"
"You wanted to spend more time on Everworld? Which is, by the way, pathetic compared to the Animorphs?"
"That's a matter of opinion. I don't feel like telling you my reasons, but rest assured that I had them."
"You've forgotten, haven't you? You don't deserve to own the Animorphs! They should belong to someone who gives concrete answers, someone who gives good explanations, someone like..."
"YOU LITTLE—"
"Well, maybe. I was thinking Wraithlord42 or Anonymous-cat, but if you think I have what it takes..."
"You don't."
"Oh, really? Maybe we should bring the Animorphs into this and see what they think."
"Fine!" snapped Ms. Applegate. "On one condition. We will interview the ORIGINAL Animorphs, from the books. They will know about your story, of course, and they will decide which one is better."
"How about all the characters I also use in my story, based on their book counterparts?"
Suddenly, I was in a small crowd of people. I immediately recognized Jake, Marco, Rachel, Cassie, Tom, Aximili (demorphed), Tobias (in hawk form), Visser Three, Loren, Elfangor, and Arbron. In fact, I didn't see anyone I didn't recognize.
"For convenience's sake, I put your Esp in Tom's head," KA told everyone.
"What are we doing here?" Jake asked. He sounded dazed.
"We—that is, KA Applegate and I—want you to vote on who you prefer, based on our stories."
"And you are..." said Marco.
"A teenager who writes Animorph stories on FanFiction.Net under the pen name Mersang. So far, there's only one, but there'll be more."
"Of all the people on that website, why is it that only the ones with weird pen names do self-insertions?"
"Actually, this wasn't supposed to be a self-insertion, but when I didn't type the disclaimer, Ms. Applegate got mad."
"You know both our stories, so who's do you prefer?"
"Well, since Mersang hasn't finished, we can't really vote," Jake said nervously.
Technically, Ms. Applegate never finished either, Elfangor pointed out. Perhaps we should vote based on their work to date.
I prefer Mersang, said Aximili. She didn't make you die.
I prefer KA for that very reason. At least she gave me vengeance! Visser Three proclaimed.
"Yeah, but you still lost," Loren reminded him. "I vote Mersang. She didn't make me an amnesiac."
"Actually, there's a cool story there. It's going to be posted in Elfangor Lives! Chapter Eleven, your point of view," I told her.
"We both prefer Mersang, too," said Tom/Esp. "I'm not a cannibal—and I get a nice Yeerk!" Tom grimaced. "Did I just say that?"
"Sorry," I muttered. "You're not going to change your vote, are you?"
"Nah. No point."
I vote Mersang as well, Arbron added. She actually gave my perspective.
I'm only voting Mersang because the thought of agreeing with Visser Three makes me sick, Elfangor grumbled, shuddering.
And the fact that she keeps you alive had nothing to do with it, said Arbron sarcastically.
Mersang, said Tobias. She doesn't make Elfangor or Rachel die.
"I think we should stay with KA Applegate," said Cassie softly. "I don't agree with all of her decisions, but we do owe her our existence." Visser Three/Esi glared at her, furious that one of the so-called 'Andalite Bandits' had dared to agree with him.
"Sorry, guys, but I'm voting KA too," said Marco. "Just because I actually get a few dates in her stories."
Rachel seemed in shock. "I'm with Cassie. I mean, you seem nice and all, Mersang...but we do owe KA."
I nodded. "It's your decision. Jake, your vote is?"
"KA Sorry."
"YES!" KA's voice was triumphant. She seemed to have overcome her sore throat. "I WIN!"
"No, you don't," Esp argued, pointing at a scoreboard that had conveniently appeared. "Mersang's ahead by one vote. Besides, the polls aren't closed yet."
Who's left? Visser Three demanded.
"Alloran, obviously." Esi was suddenly in a Yeerk pool so Alloran could speak for himself.
I...I can't believe I'm agreeing with that...slug...but I vote KA. She set me free in the end.
"Way later than you should have been, though," I muttered.
"What did you say?" KA said sharply.
"I said, that means the score is tied."
"Then I get to keep them. They were mine in the beginning, so they're mine now!"
"The tie means we have to share."
"What are you two talking about?" Rachel asked.
"This whole thing was a debate about the copyright law surrounding you guys. I wanted to break that law and say that I owned you guys, even though KA does."
"Mersang," KA told me. "If I gave up the rights to the Animorphs, every kid on FanFiction.Net. would be fighting over them."
"Well, since I'm asking nicely, can I have the rights to the Animorphs anyways?"
"NO! I AM THE OMNIPOTENT AUTHOR KA APPLEGATE AND I OWN THE ANIMORPHS!"
"WELL, I AM THE OMNIPOTENT FAN-FIC WRITER MERSANG AND I SAY SINCE THE VOTE WAS TIED WE HAVE TO SHARE!"
Unfortunately for this fan-fic writer, a SWAT team then showed up, took away the Animorphs, deleted my claim on them, and none of the courts I went to seemed to think that the votes of fictional characters were valid evidence for a lawsuit.