Title: The Dark Long of the Shoe.
Author: dem bones
Genres: Romance/Parody.
Pairings: Draco/Harry
Summary: What happens when someone challenges this author to write about the POV of a piece of clothing below the belt and said author tells the worshipped Dark Long of the Shoe what it's future is comprised of before brooding on the soles of Malfoy's feet?
Warnings: What happens when a certain author tries to make a challenge about writing the point of view of a piece of clothing below the belt expecting 'me' to put it in a significant position in my story either with it witnessing some 'scarring' event or being a main character in what by all meaning would be a crack fic? "Fourth wall abuse"
Disclaimer: I don't own HP.
A/N: For the last round of the QLFC finals with the words: ancient, praise, camp. Inspired by Google Translate 'I'll make a man out of you' by Malinda Kathleen Reese
HP
It could tell he had been an ongoing customer with the way he had worn long black robes.
He had been eyeing him the moment he had came across it eventually taking it off the shelf.
Many would have been envious of the man who had picked it up. It had contained a mysterious power that had been envied in the land it had once lived in until it had been stolen by some shady man.
Since then it had been sitting on the shelf with the rest of it's mundane brethren until the blond had picked him up.
He sat down in one of the benches and slipped it on one after the other. He found it rather snug.
He began to walk in long arrogant steps. It felt it's power ease into him.
The man eventually removed it and put it back in the box. It saw that the man's face was comprised of a crooked grin before he closed the box.
When he finally opened the box it had felt refreshed. Of course it only wished that the man had known what it had been feeling bored to death in the dark box.
The man slipped it over his feet and it looked around from it's snug postion taking in the large room with the table in the middle and the desk to the side.
Eventually the man had headed out and it could only marvel at the rich grass that surrounded it. Gazing in the distance it saw the rose bushes seeming to box them in.
It had even stumbled across something different coming from a rather old dark building that seemed out of place with some of the new buildings.
Once they had stepped inside it marveled at the stone floors until it saw the stools. The man had climbed on one of them.
"I'd like a drink if you please."
It heard the sound of the shuffling of glass.
Then the sound of the glass being slammed back on the time.
"Another.'
"Had a bad date."
"I rather not talk about it."
It wasn't until five glasses that it had heard the sound of the door opening. A new pair of shoes seemed to approach them before settling to their right.
It glanced at the shoes beside it never seeing such a mundane pair of shoes. There were what appeared to be thick string comprising the centre ending with the loop where his foot and the shoe had met.
Despite all of that though there was something rather enticing about how there was actually colour to the shoe. Much of the shoes in the shop had been black or brown leather.
"I didn't expect to see you 'ere, Potter," his owner hissed.
"You're not as smart as you lead people to believe, Malfoy. You're sulking."
Malfoy grumbled.
"I am not."
"What exactly are you trying to prove? You stomped right out of our office like a kicked puppy," Potter said. "It's quite apparent you're unhappy about something so spill it."
"I don't have to listen to you."
Potter snorted.
"Perhaps it has something to do with what I said to that criminal that we apprehended. They were rather thoughtless words weren't they?"
Malfoy shuffled in his seat taking it by surprise.
"If I remember right you said you didn't have anyone on yer mind. Yer exact word were 'I don't hab any plans to settle down with anyone' even though I was almost certain that you fancied me and then it sounded as if you threw it back in my face."
"You're drunk."
"'Am not."
"Prove it."
Malfoy stepped down from the stool and there was a bit of shuffling before it had heard the zipper.
"Are you mad?"
"Get some clothes on."
"No."
There was a loud bang.
"Solve your lovers' spat elsewhere.'
Glancing to his left, the shoes were beside him once more.
Outside it saw the ground was covered in water, a side effect of it's power. It was more successful when the wearer was sad or upset.
"What the-"
"What is it?" Malfoy snarled.
"The street is flooded. We never get rain this bad during this time of year."
Potter and Malfoy quickly ran into an area of the city that was dark and obscure.
It felt a sheer amount of dizziness as it felt squeezed into a large hoop.
For the first time, the shoes got a good glance at the man with black disheveled hair and green eyes as it picked up his owner off the floor and set him on the couch.
It had been some time before his owner awoke though it was mildly amused with the way he tossed and turned occasionally.
"Potter! Ugh. What are you doing here?"
"You got pissed, you idiot. What do you think I'm doing here? It's still raining by the way."
Malfoy got up and all was silent.
"Those shoes where did you get them?"
"Huh, oh these? I got them from Treasures from the Moon. It's a shoe store."
"That pair of shoes? Are you aware they are in fact an ancient relic. It's rumoured that they can control the weather. The Minister had informed me they were stolen last week from a museum in Bangkok."
"What is your point?"
Potter sighed.
"I know you're upset."
Malfoy snorted.
"I'm not upset."
"There's no use in denying it I already know your secret but it's apparent that the more you brood about it the more the streets of London begin to flood and while I'm certain you have insurance on this place. You wouldn't want the wizarding world to suffer for your moods would you?"
Malfoy got to his feet and headed towards the window.
"It's..."
"You told me yesterday you were upset because I didn't reciprocate your feelings. The thing is you couldn't be anymore wrong because I loved you too."
"Is this your form of a joke?"
He chuckled weakily.
He briskly walked towards him. If it had feelings it would have been certain to blush when the other shoes had kissed him.
The light of the sun began to shine from the left. It only hoped however that these two had realised what they meant to each other before it had to go because right now it was feeling rather insignificant listening to the men making out.
It was a worshipped pair of shoes and right now it was standing on the ground feeling rather insignificant and wanting to punish a certain someone who wasn't the word of god for making it witness such atrocities.
Weeks had gone by and the artifact had been returned to it's position. The power of praise and worship from it's people had eventually granted it power to teleport to said person's location and had taken liberties even setting up camp to ensuring that a bolt of lightning would smite them every time they came up with anything that made it or any other piece of clothing look ridiculous.