this kinda sucks, the idea seemed much better in my head and if you guys don't like it it'll more than likely be deleted so...yeah.
let me know what you think!
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself
.
"What do you mean you're not going to make it?"
The anger in her voice was evident as she growled down the phone. This was probably the biggest day of her life, definitely the biggest of her career so far and her own boyfriend wasn't going to be there.
"Babe, I can't help it, do you really think I'd rather be here than at your ceremony?"
Olivia sighed and ran her hand through her hair "I dunno what to think anymore Bri…"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"What do you think it means Bri? You're constantly at work, you're rarely home, dammit this is the biggest day of my life and you're not here. Cragen isn't here, Munch isn't here and you aren't here. I want you here."
"I want to be there, more than anything but what do you want me to say to Tucker, he's got the ability to pull my shield from me at a seconds notice"
"I know that…I know" Olivia dipped her head and stared at her feet.
In one days' time she would be officially sworn is as Sergeant Olivia Benson, her dress blues were sitting ready to be prepped and worn, the squad had already promised they would be there to watch her without her even asking. The only person she truly wanted there was Brian, not that the others didn't matter, they were like family but with Brian it was different.
Cragen had called her earlier in the day from his cruise, currently stopped in Mexico to wish her luck and tell her how proud he was and that she deserved this more than anyone, Eileen also called down the phone to wish her congratulations. He also said he would check in with her again within the next few days to see how everything went.
Munch was yet to call but he had sent a quick text apologising that he couldn't be there in person due to work commitments, he had promised to try and sneak away to attend the ceremony but Olivia wasn't going to hold her breath.
"Look, I have to go; I'll call you later okay?" She sighed and nodded, not that he could see
"Yeah, sure. Are you gonna be home tonight or not?"
"I might be, I'll probably be late though, I'm sorry Liv"
"It's fine, I understand. I guess I'll see you when I see you?"
"Yeah, I love you babe"
"I love you too" She replied on a quiet breath and hung up the phone.
She reached for the glass of wine on the counter and swallowed a decent mouthful before glancing around the empty apartment. It wasn't that she wasn't used to spending time alone, hell she had spent the last decades living on her own, being by herself and she didn't mind, not that much. She was one who craved her own space and time to relax by herself; she didn't need a relationship or a man to take care of her all the time. Although now she had Brian, who had been her rock for the past year during the whole ordeal with Lewis, he had been there every single second during her recovery, her trial, everything. He meant more to her than she thought anyone ever could, he had officially broken down her walls.
But since getting his shield back, officially becoming Detective Cassidy again and being placed at IAB he had changed. Not in his attitude or his feelings towards her, just his general persona. He didn't talk about work…he couldn't talk about work due to conflict of interest and she knew it was weighing him down. It was weighing her down too. They both needed to vent about their days, their cases, their everyday work worries and stresses and they couldn't, not to each other anyway and it pissed them both off.
Olivia sat at the counter and slowly drank her wine; she reached for the gold badge that sat beside her keys and her gun.
Her sergeants' badge
Her fingers smoothly ran over the rough gold plating, tracing her new badge number over and over again and her stomach filled with butterflies as the day of the ceremony approached nearer by the hour. Her thoughts travelled back to Brian, she knew he wanted to be there for her, despite what everyone else thought, she knew he would be there if he could and she really did want him there, she didn't need him there, she knew that the day would go on and so would she if he wasn't but he was the closest thing to a family that she had…she didn't need him there but she sure as hell wanted him to be.
.
Brian stumbled through the door a little after ten, earlier than he had expected but not early enough. He missed coming home and spending a quiet night in with his girlfriend, he missed the comfort and peace that flowed through him when they lay on the couch watching crappy TV shows or a movie they had seen a thousand times but he'd watch another thousand if it made her happy.
He hated his new job; he hated working for Tucker and for IAB with a passion. He had met some decent people, some others like him, who thought their career in the police force was over until getting jobs at IAB. Then there were those guys who constantly complained about everything, the job, their homes, if they weren't divorced already they complained about how soon they would be and Brian couldn't deal with it. These guys bored him to death ninety per cent of the time and the last thing he wanted was to end up like any of them. He'd give anything to get transferred out; hell he'd rather be back on courthouse duty than be living this IAB life, at least with those shifts he actually got to see Olivia for longer than twenty minutes at a time.
He walked through the darkened apartment and quietly into the bedroom hoping to not wake Olivia only to find she wasn't in bed. He turned towards the bathroom and saw the flickering light coming from under the door.
"Liv?" He quietly called for her, hoping she wasn't too pissed off at him for their earlier conversation.
"Yeah, come in"
Brian quietly pushed the door open and smiled at the sight of her submerged in a bubble bath, tea light candles randomly placed throughout the room giving off a faint yellow glow.
"Hey, how are you?" He stepped towards the tub and kissed the top of her head
"Fine, you?"
He knew she wasn't fine, every time she said she was 'fine' he knew she wasn't, fine was Olivia's code word for angry, sad and done, done with arguing, done with fighting, done with trying, just done.
"Not bad" He said quietly "I'll leave you be" He smiled sadly before walking out of the bathroom and leaving her in peace. The last thing he wanted was to piss her off even more.
Olivia sighed as the bathroom door clicked shut; she laid her head back against the tub and sank deeper into the water, the edges of her hair that had escaped from her hair tie now dragging lightly in the water. She tried not to be mad, she wasn't mad, not at Brian anyway just at the situation.
.
Another ten minutes passed when Brian heard the gargling sound of the bathwater draining away. He sat on the edge of their bed in silence staring at his girlfriend's dress blues that hung neatly on the door of the closet, his heart swelled with pride at the thought of her finally getting her moment, after everything she had been through this year, hell after everything she had been through in her lifetime she deserved this shot of happiness.
Moments later he turned his head towards the bathroom door and watched Olivia, drowning in his robe, walk through into the bedroom.
"Hey" She smiled quietly
"Hey, you ready?" He nodded towards her blues and smiled
"Nervous but yeah, I'm ready" Olivia sat on the edge of the bed beside him
"I'm not mad at you" She told him, her voice quiet in the darkness of their bedroom "I'm mad at this shitty situation that we seem to be in right now but I'm not mad at you even if sometimes it seems like I am"
"Don't worry about it, I'm mad enough at me for the both of us" He smiled and kissed her cheek
"Don't be…" She held his hand between hers, linking their fingers together.
.
Brian left early the next morning and said good bye to Olivia at her insistence. She had made him promise the night before that he would wake her before he left.
"I love you" She kissed him lovingly, her hand cupping his cheek as he leaned back into the bed beside her.
He smiled against her lips "I love you more." He ran his fingers though the ends of her hair "Good luck for today, congratulations, you deserve this more than anyone and god I love you so much."
"Thank you, be careful today and I love you" She whispered before letting him go.
"Call me after" He pointed to her with a smirk before leaving the confines of their bedroom.
Olivia rolled over and checked her cell phone; it was only just after five am. She lay on her back and stared at the ceiling for a while, contemplating the day ahead and what this whole thing meant to her. She thought about the day she decided at the tender age of nine that she wanted to become a police officer, her days at the academy, her humble and exhausting rookie beginnings, the day she finally got her gold shield, her fifteen years with SVU, they all led up to this very day.
.
"Sergeant Olivia Benson…"
Olivia grinned as she climbed the steps and saluted before accepting her plaque, she quickly glanced down to where the guys were sitting only to see Nick being the only one there. She looked up and saw Fin and Amanda grin and wave from the back of the room as they left to what she could only imagine was handle a new case.
As she walked off the stage her eyes focused on the figure standing against the wall at the back of the room. She grinned wider when she saw him nod towards her and clap.
.
"I like that hat…"
She smirked and dipped her head, pulling the hat from her head and raised her eyebrow at him as he stuck his hands deep into his pockets and walked closer to her.
"Seriously, you look good" He smiled "You suit a uniform"
"You made it" She whispered for just them to hear, she knew Nick was close behind her.
"I did and I know you're not good with PDA but I'm going to kiss you right now"
Brian stepped forward and tucked his finger under her chin, grinning when he saw the blush spread across her cheeks. He leaned in and kissed her soundly, his hand slipping to the back of her neck.
"I'm so proud of you" He whispered in her ear.
Olivia blushed and glanced at the floor, she really wasn't good with PDA and obvious signs of affection, mainly because she wasn't used to it. When they were alone it was fine, but even now that her and Brian weren't exactly a secret anymore it was still slightly awkward when they were seen being romantic together in front of so many people.
"Thanks"
"Liv we gotta go…" Nick cleared his throat and interrupted the couple "We got a call about half an hour ago, missing girl, Fin and Rollins are with the parents now…"
"Okay, eh…" Olivia turned towards Brian
"Go; be in charge" Brian grinned "I'll have to get back anyway before Tucker shoots me in the head"
"Don't say that" Olivia laughed and gripped his arm "Thank you for coming" She smiled and quickly kissed his lips.
"Anything for you…Sergeant Benson"
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lyrics: can't go back now - the weepies
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