This is a follow up to my story Relinquish Control, which is VERY adult and so can be found here: /works/13613049. If that's not your cup of tea, however, you don't have to read it; this story works fine as a stand-alone.
Katrina stood at the window and watched the rain sheeting down. It was something she never thought she'd miss, but after so long in space, it was oddly comforting to see something other than stars outside. The familiar sights of home were hidden by the clouds of grey mist but she knew they were there, and if she chose to she could leave her apartment and go for a walk in the rain.
She didn't choose to. The war was finally over and Katrina had time to rest, to mourn and recover from the relentless pace of the last nine months. There was even time to come to terms with the hardest decision she'd had to make in several decades of service, and the fact that that decision had, in the end, come to nothing. But she wasn't going to think about that tonight. Tonight, she was going to sit on the couch in her apartment, drink some whiskey, and watch the rain.
At least, that was been her plan, until the door chimed. For a moment, she considered not answering it, until curiosity got the better of her; there were very few people who knew her home address and she could think of no reason for any of them to need to see her at the moment. Crossing from the window, she opened the door and stared in surprise at the rain-drenched woman outside. She was not one of the few, though her father was, which Katrina assumed explained the logistics (if not the reason) behind Michael Burnham's presence on her doorstep.
Burnham was out of uniform, dressed in plain black trousers and a jacket that appeared to have done very little to protect her from the rain. She lifted her gaze to Katrina's face, eyes flickering with too many emotions for Katrina to identify.
'Michael. This is a pleasant surprise.'
'Admiral. I apologise for the intrusion, but may I come in?'
'Of course,' Katrina answered, stepping back to allow her access but frowning at her tone. 'You know, you can call me Katrina. I think we're past the point of you calling me Admiral off duty.' Her mind had skipped back to a similar occasion not long ago, where the other woman had turned up just as unexpectedly and spent the night. Burnham had left before she was awake in the morning, and Katrina had assumed that she had regretted sharing quite so much of herself and was trying to put a bit of distance back between them. That she hadn't seen her socially since then had reinforced this view, but now, it seemed, Michael had other plans.
'First of all, I need to apologise to you for before. You took care of me and then I ran out on you. It was rude of me and I understand if you don't wish to see me again. But I would like to explain my actions, if you'll let me.' Burnham was fidgeting, clearly uncomfortable, and Kat found herself approaching slowly, as she would a frightened animal.
'You don't have to explain anything,' she said gently, stopping in front of Michael, but the other woman was avoiding her eyes. 'We did what you came for, then we carried on. Like I said then, whatever you're comfortable with.'
'I believe that was the problem,' replied Michael, finally raising her head to look Katrina in the face. 'I wasn't comfortable. You made me feel, and I didn't want to. I came to you because I thought it would make the feelings go away, and it didn't.' Katrina half smiled.
'I'm afraid it doesn't work like that.' Michael nodded seriously.
'I know that now. And I've changed my mind. Ash and Philippa are both gone, but I would like to feel again. Can you make me?'
The question was so simple, so innocent it tugged at Kat's heart. Burnham was so strong, complex and confident in some ways, but still so new to dealing with her emotions.
'How do you want me to make you feel?' Burnham considered the question.
'Safe. Wanted.' She paused. 'Loved.'
'Oh, sweetheart,' Katrina breathed, bringing a hand up to cup her cheek and brushing her thumb across her skin. Burnham leaned into her hand like she was touch starved. She paused before asking her next question, fairly sure of the answer but wanting to check. 'Do you want to play?' Burnham shook her head minutely, and Katrina breathed an internal sigh of relief. She wasn't sure she had the energy to be that person tonight, but if Michael had needed it she would have dredged it up from somewhere.
'Not tonight,' the other woman responded. 'Can we just be?' Katrina smiled.
'Of course. Would you like a drink?' Burnham replied in the negative, so Kat took her hand and crossed to the couch, pulling Michael down with her. She got comfy against the pillows, whiskey in hand and Michael folded herself around her. For a moment they sat in silence, enjoying the physical contact.
'What was he to you?' The question was unexpected, but Katrina knew who Michael was talking about. She took a moment, but found that for once, she did want to talk about it.
'He was both my everything and nothing. We were best friends and lovers, and we would have been more if we hadn't been so firmly set on where we were going. A relationship didn't really fit into that. So we stayed friends, and we stayed lovers. He knew me better than anyone. I still can't believe I didn't spot it wasn't him. That makes it harder to believe he's gone, somehow.' After a moment, Burnham spoke up too.
'In a way, I loved Philippa. I'm still not sure in what way. But she's gone, and all my memories of her are now tainted with the other her, and I can't remember where one begins and the other ends.' Katrina chuckled.
'I know what you mean. I knew Philippa as well, you know.' Burnham stiffened, and she knew the other woman had read the full truth of their relationship from those simple words. She winced. 'Sorry. You probably didn't need to hear that.' Burnham raised herself enough to look Katrina in the eye.
'No, it's ok. I'm glad she had someone.' She lay back down, burrowing back in so her next words came from somewhere around Katrina's neck. 'What did you have with her?' Katrina paused, trying to find the words to sum their relationship up.
'Similar to what I had with Gabriel. Friendship, with more when we managed it.' Burnham sat up again, looking at Katrina with those piercing eyes that made Kat feel like she was being x-rayed.
'Do you think we could have that?' She looked away again, staring down at her hands in her lap. 'I mean, I'm not very experienced with this sort of thing. But I'd like to have that, with you.' Kat smiled a little sadly.
'Don't you think you're a bit young to just be aiming for that?' Katrina asked, fully aware that Michael was a good deal older than she and Gabriel had been when they had made the same decision. Burnham jutted her chin out.
'My one experience so far of having a relationship and falling in love turned out pretty badly, in case you hadn't noticed. For now, I'd like something a bit less complicated.' Katrina gave her a wry grin.
'I'm not sure less complicated are the words you'd be looking for with me. But alright. For now, you can settle for me.'
'Settle is not the word I would use either,' Burnham murmured, leaning in and taking Kat's lips for a kiss. Katrina kissed her back, enjoying the taste of Michael mingling with the whiskey on her tongue. Burnham moved so she was straddling Kat, leaning forwards to lean her weight on her chest as their kisses continued languidly. When she pulled back, her lips were plump and shining with moisture and her breathing was slightly ragged. 'Discovery ships out tomorrow. May I stay the night?'
'Anytime, sweetheart.' Burnham gave her a half smile and snuggled back in. Katrina wrapped an arm around her to pull her in tighter and felt Burnham's breath against her skin as she sighed. She picked up her whiskey and relaxed, taking a sip as she watched the rain running down the windows. She echoed Michael's sigh with a smile. Home.