The birth of a kit is something beautiful, even in the most dire of situations. We Clan cats experience death on a day basis; though not always in the form of one of our kin dying, passing on to walk alongside our ancestors in the stars. We experience it in even the simple things like hunting.
But the start of life rather than the end? That's something else. It's easy to end a life - you don't even need to think about it and you only need a set of claws. But starting a life takes two cats, trying for a pregnancy, then waiting moons for the results. It takes time, love, and care.
When kits are born, the parents almost always look down on their newborns with so much love. They'll look to one another and say how their kits will be the bravest warriors and the greatest medicine cats.
My parents thought that too when they saw me, even if they had their concerns. I was the runt of the litter, the smallest compared to my brothers and sisters. I was the last kit to be born - and the most difficult to deliver. In fact, I was named for my size; Smallkit.
As my siblings and I grew up together, it became painfully clear to my parents that I wasn't just small; but I was terribly frail too. I couldn't ever keep up with my siblings when we chased one another, I was easily overpowered in play fights and they even accidentally hurt me sometimes by using as much force against me as they did one another.
I was, and still am, fussy about my food too and as you can imagine I'm as skinny as they come. Maybe as a result of my appetite, or something else, I take ill very easily. I think I was in the medicine cat den more than I was in the nursery. I could be sick for just a few hours, or sometimes I was sick for weeks.
While I couldn't play often with the other kits in the nursery, either because I was ill or their games were too rough for me, I could however listen to the stories the elders liked to share. Whenever I bounded over to them, starry-eyed and my black and white fur bristling from excitement, they knew exactly what I was going to ask to hear:
"Lionblaze! Tell me about Lionblaze!" I would cheer. I must have heard that same story at least a hundred times. But I would still gasp in awe, whimper in sadness, and rejoice like it was the first time I was ever hearing it.
Lionblaze was, and still is, my hero. To think that a seemingly normal kit could become the greatest warrior ever resounded within me. He had the strength every warrior should strive to have. I fantasised about being just like him; fending off droves of enemy warriors by myself, my Clan cheering me on, and triumphing over all evils that came my way.
That legendary cat had sparked a raging inferno of passion inside my heart. I couldn't wait to be a warrior! I was going to be just as fierce as Lionblaze! It doesn't matter if I'm the smallest kit in the nursery, I can be just as strong as he is!
As the day where me and my siblings would be called apprentices drew closer and closer, anticipation built up in me like a storm. I had filled my head with fantasies of becoming like Lionblaze, the next tale the elders would tell kits. One day just before we turned six moons old, my father - Nightwhisker - pulled me aside just as I was about to join my siblings in their game of Warriors and Rogues.
He lead me out of earshot from my siblings. "Smallkit, guess what?" My father mewed.
"What?" I squeaked. Excitement pricked at my paw pads, my father's tone told me I was about to hear something amazing. A million different thoughts ran through my head, was my ceremony going to be special? I hope so.
My father responded, "well, Silverstar has been talking to me and your mother..." he started.
I audibly gasped. Does this mean I was going to be Silverstar's apprentice? The elders had told me she had been a great warrior and deputy, along with being an amazing leader, so that would mean she could turn me into a great warrior; just like Lionblaze! I couldn't keep still, I was bouncing up and down eagerly awaiting to hear that I would be the leader's apprentice.
"...and we've decided..."
Here it comes. I was already fantasising about my future as an apprentice and warrior; I could already see Silverstar's proud and pleased expression as I aced everything she threw at me, my assessment to determine if I was ready to be a warrior, and my warrior ceremony itself. I could see all of it and it was glorious.
"...That you're going to be Petalnose's apprentice! Isn't that great?" He purred.
All those fantasies in my mind suddenly crashed and burned. My hopes and dreams were crushed. I stopped my restless fidgeting and just stared with a shocked expression. "B-but. . .Petalnose is the medicine cat..." I responded, my voice trembling. I was in denial, this was just a joke. My father always loved to make jokes. In a second, he would see how upset I was and he'd comfort me and tell me it was just a joke.
Because how was I supposed to be like Lionblaze as a medicine cat apprentice?
My father sighed, looking me in the eye. His amber eyes met my own, full of an emotion I soon realised every single cat in my Clan (ShadowClan) looked at me with and I just never noticed; pity. He was pitying me. Everybody knew this was going to happen - except me.
And nobody had the heart to tell me until the day before.
"Smallkit, I know you really want to be a warrior. But you're just not cut out to be one, and I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's for the best," he soothed.
Each word just cut me deeper than the last. This wasn't a joke - this was real. And not only did my parents think I was unfit to provide for the Clan and defend it, but so did Silverstar. Had my parents even objected at any point? They knew I was so eager to be like Lionblaze. My sobs turned to wailing, making every cat in camp stare at me. I didn't stop even when my father comforted me with his licks and his reassuring mews.
The next day, the day I had waited so long for with anticipation, I gloomily sat underneath the high rock. I didn't pay attention to the names of the warriors my siblings were apprenticed to, I found them out later. It was the worst day of my life and nothing would ever compare. Do you know what it's like to have a dream, to have grand aspirations, and to watch everyone else live them out while you watch from the sidelines?
It's heartbreaking.
I still feel the pain of it now, three moons later. I'm recalling everything that led to me miserably checking our Clan's herb stock. I'll need to ask someone to come with me to gather marigold and poppy seeds. Normally, I do it myself so I can just get a little taste of the freedom warriors have. But since our Clan's relationship with WindClan was now strained and the threat of an attack is always present, I need some protection.
My ears swivelled in the direction of Petalnose's soft voice, "Smallpaw, what herbs do we need?"
My mentor was a pretty she-cat, with long chestnut brown tabby fur. She had lighter areas, like her paws, legs, underbelly, and muzzle. Her gentle, light green eyes reminded me of my mother's own eyes, full of compassion.
"Just marigold and poppy seeds." I half-heartedly reply.
I heard my mentor's voice again, "are you alright?" she asked with concern.
As I turn to face her, I keep my head lowered, "I'm fine." I responded meekly. While I don't talk much, Petalnose still knows me so well - we've gotten to know one another since I was still in the nursery. I can see from the look in her green eyes that she sees that I'm bluffing. They're filled with sympathy.
She pads over towards me and gives me a lick between my ears, it's a nice gesture and it makes me feel a little better. "There there, I know you want to be a warrior. But being a medicine cat is just as important," she soothed.
I agreed with her, medicine cats were a vital role in the structure in the Clans. Without them, we'd have nobody to care for our sick and injured or to communicate with our ancestors. But it wasn't my calling. I was supposed to be like Lionblaze; a fierce warrior fighting for my Clan.
"I know, but I don't think it's for me." I mumbled.
Petalnose nuzzled me, sighing to herself. I don't blame her if she's fed up with me being miserable about being her apprentice. Most cats would be desensitised to my plight by now, but she still feels for me. She's not even the least bit upset, either. "You know I've tried arguing with Silverstar, but she's right unfortunately. It wouldn't be suited for you."
I protested quietly, "But I can do it, I can be just like him."
She gives my ear a lick, and in response I flick it. "Lionblaze wasn't just fierce in battle, but in spirit, too. You don't have to a warrior to be like your hero, my dear Smallpaw." Petalnose murmured softly to me.
The elders said he was like that as well, but that's wasn't what captivated me about Lionblaze. What did was how he was a force of nature, yet he never let that kind of strength corrupt him. Nobody could stop him, he had the power of StarClan running through his veins, yet he kept loyal to his Clan and showed mercy to his enemies when he could have easily killed anyone between him and his goals. That's what captivated me, he was what every cat thought of when they heard 'warrior'; nobility, fairness, and ferocity. A true hero.
"I guess." I mumbled.
Suddenly, there was a yowling from outside the medicine cat den. It caught both me and my mentor off guard and we both whirled our heads around. Petalnose told me gently, yet firmly, to stay put as she went to investigate. She soon returned, padding briskly over to the herb stock and sorting through it.
My heart beat quickened a little and my stomach fluttered like a trapped bird. "W-what's going on?" I asked.
Petalnose didn't look up form the herbs, taking some to mix them into poultice. "WindClan has attacked our camp." she meowed, frustration carried in her voice, "I can't believe them!"
For a moment I was afraid, the tensions between our Clans had finally exploded and war had now broke out. But I realised that this was my chance to prove I was just as capable of being a warrior as anyone else was. Like the true warrior I was, I dashed outside without acknowledging the terrified yowling of my mentor for me to get back inside.
Frantically, I scanned the camp. All around me was whirlwinds of claws and fur, to my left my brother and his mentor, Twitchfoot, were cornering a long-legged WindClan warrior. Two queens were nipping at the heels of a warrior who dared to try and slip into the nursery. The scents of ShadowClan and WindClan were mingling in the air.
Everyone seemed to be doing just fine, and I was ready to go help the queens until I saw Silverstar, pinned by the WindClan leader; Stormstar. He was a little bulkier than most cats from WindClan, but still long-legged. His long, dark gray fur reminded me of a storm cloud and the scar going across his flank reminded me of a lightning bolt. I think his warrior name actually was Stormcloud if the elders were right, which was probably the case. His amber eyes made me shiver, he was enjoying this. He had scored her plenty already.
He said something to Silverstar, pressing his sharp claws against his cheek. I gasped; she needed my help! I rushed over, my fur bristling and my amber eyes wide. Nervousness was tying my stomach up in knots, to calm myself I imagined Lionblaze running at my side. I was going to prove I could be just like him.
My claws were unsheathed, sharp from a lack of use, but after today that would change. "G-get away from Silverstar!" I yowled, pouncing for Stormstar. His ears swivelled in my direction and swiftly he turned and smacked me away. I landed with a grunt, wincing as blood welled from the wound on my cheek and pain throbbed from it. Silverstar scrambled away from under him.
"Go back to the nursery, kit; I'm only going to warn you once." the WindClan leader leered.
"I'm not a kit!" I protested. Again, I lunged and Stormstar side stepped my attack. He retaliated by smacking my head against the hard earth with all the force he could muster while I was still crouched. I whined as I stumbled back, dazed.
Silverstar yowled at me while she clawed at the WindClan leader, "run, Smallpaw! It's not safe for you here!"
He grunted as blood welled from the laceration, he simply head butted the silver she-cat in a counter attack. Silverstar was already weakened, the attack had sent her stumbling back with shakey legs. She tried to balance herself as Stormstar landed a blow on the side for her head. My Clan leader was sent sprawling and didn't get back up.
"D-did you-"
"-Kill her? No, she's just unconscious," Stormstar growled, "like how you're about to be."
I tried to defend myself against him, but he was in complete control of this fight. Every score and bite hurt more than the last, and he treated my head like a moss ball, but I could take it. My throat burned, too, and my sides heaved. If I was going to be like Lionblaze, then I had to deal with the pain. Victory would be mine if I imagined he was at my side, fighting with me. I wasn't afraid anymore, I was just upset. Why couldn't I even touch Stormstar when I was going to be like my hero? Maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough.
My claws just cut through air as I wildly swung for the WindClan leader, but he just batted them away and knocked me off balance then bowled me over. The air was squeezed out of my lungs, I coughed and hacked while I was disoriented. Weakly, my paw tapped against his shoulder, I needed him off. Either he didn't notice it, or he just ignored it.
"Oh? You're a medicine cat?" Stormstar noticed, smelling the herbs off my pelt. He just laughed at me, "did you really think you could've made any difference in this battle?"
My voice was strained from the heavy weight on my skinny body. "I'm just like Lionblaze, I-I will beat you!"
He echoed my words, "Lionblaze?! You're a scrawny runt who runs out of breath after a minute of fighting, and you think you're Lionblaze?" Stormstar hauled me to my paws, landing a blow across my face, "well come on then, Lionblaze, chase me out of your camp!" he taunted. I noticed that his claws were sheathed.
The realisation hit me just as hard as he did. I couldn't be like Lionblaze; because he wouldn't be getting tossed around like a piece of prey, he wouldn't be wheezing after a minute of fighting, he wouldn't be getting humiliated like this, he wasn't the feeble scrap of fur like I was.
Lionblaze was the sun, and I was a dim firefly thinking he could be just as bright if he believed hard enough.
As Stormstar continued toying with me, I weakly tried to swipe at him like I was weakly holding on to my dream. My claws hit, but they didn't even draw blood. Pathetic. Then, I hit the dirt, staring into the distance. My body felt as if it was on fire. Everyone was right, if I had been a warrior apprentice I'd get myself hurt. I couldn't even defend myself for a minute. He thought I was a kit, and probably thinks I'm only just out the nursery now.
The sounds of warriors driving off Stormstar, along with the rest of WindClan, out of ShadowClan camp. Caterwauls of victory soon followed their retreat. I should be happy, yet I lay in the dirt, my lip quivering.
How could I, Smallpaw: the pathetic scrap of fur, be like my hero Lionblaze now? I curled up in a tight ball, giving a light sob. I had been chasing my dreams like a kit chasing a moss ball, but kits had the common sense to stop running after it once it was gone.
But then I remembered what Petalnose had said earlier, and perhaps she was right. I might not have been meant to be warrior, so maybe I could be like Lionblaze though my spirit instead.