Summary: Song fic. Duo is reflecting on his and Hereo's relationship and its problems. Written to Desensitized by Invertigo.
Warning: this fic contains slash if you don't like this then go away
Disclaimer: I own nothing
When I reach outYou move away from my hands
You're never telling me why
We make time to spend
Time you forget
And the days are just passing us by
Duo stood in the kitchen of the small apartment watching his lover sitting on the couch watching the morning news. Duo sighed. Hereo had been having another nightmare last night. When Duo had tried to get him to talk about it, Hereo had lied and said it was nothing. Duo had been lied to like this often, and this time he felt he had to push the matter. He loved his Hereo, and he hated the thought of him suffering alone.
When Duo tried to get his boyfriend to talk about it, Hereo had responded by jumping out of bed and storming out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. That had been at about midnight. Duo lay awake until Hereo returned at 4am. Duo pretended to be asleep when Hereo walked into their bedroom. The Gundam pilot climbed silently into bed and lay with his back to his chestnut haired lover.
Duo was still reeling the next day. He wanted to help Hereo. He loved him and he hated to see him in so much pain, but there was nothing he could do if Hereo wouldn't let him in. Duo felt that no matter how much of himself he gave to his beloved, Hereo would always push him away. Duo would organise time for them to spend together away from the other Gundam pilots. Time Duo intended for them to use to strengthen their relationship. But somehow Hereo would always manage to avoid getting close. He would unintentionally do something to sabotage Duo plans.
It seemed that Hereo would forget all the things Duo tried to do to show his love for Hereo and days would pass while their relationship seemed to stagnate.
When I ask youYou never understand it
You don't know what you haven't done
When I try to explain
It sounds like complaints
And the words only make you want to harm
Hereo stood, walked over to the T.V and turned it off. "Come on. We should go or we're going to be late." Hereo said turning to Duo, speaking his first words since walking out the night before.
Duo placed his coffee mug in the sink and sighed again. He'd tried to explain how he felt to Hereo, but it never seemed to go right. Whenever he tried to explain to Hereo that he felt locked out, it sounded like he was unhappy with their relationship. Well, he was. But Hereo would misinterpret it. Hereo would assume that Duo was unhappy with him, but that was not true. Duo loved Hereo. He just couldn't explain how he felt without making it sound as though he wanted to break up. After a while Duo had stopped even trying. He knew going on about it was only going to make Hereo feel worse. Instead Duo just tried to live with Hereo's behavior. He didn't want to push Hereo so hard he left.
Is there a fire if you don't see the smokeWe can't get higher if you don't let it go
As the two Gundam pilots emerged on the street, Duo sensed pain coming from his lover. He walked up close to Hereo and pecked him on the cheek in reassurance.
"Please Duo, not in public." He said distantly. Duo said nothing he just walked around to the passenger seat of the car. Hereo never had been one for public displays of affection, but Duo felt this only made things worse. It felt as though Hereo wanted to deny any connection to the other man, where as Duo felt the urge to shout about their relationship from the rooftops. Hereo didn't seem to realize their relationship was being affected by his denial. Duo knew how Hereo felt on the issue. He believed that Gundam plots couldn't afford to have any weaknesses, much less allow people to know they had any. Hereo believed allowing people to know that there was someone they cared deeply about would be allowing them to know they had a weakness. Duo couldn't help but wonder if Hereo was sacrificing too much to be the perfect soldier. He didn't think that Hereo truly understood what he was missing out on.
How did your heart ever get like thatHow did someone ever hurt so bad
That you can't see that
You've been kept inside
You're desensitized
As they drove along is silence, Duo groan internally. Why did Hereo insist on remaining so distant? In this situation most couples would find conversation easy, but whenever Duo said anything, the most he could hope for was a monosyllable response. Duo knew Hereo's past had been troubled, but he didn't really know much about it. All he knew was that someone must have severely emotionally abused Hereo for him to become the way he was. Why would someone do that to anyone? Hereo must have been very young when the abuse started for it to have taken such a hold over him. Hereo had been the way he was for as long as Duo could remember, and they had known each other for years.
Duo couldn't imagine what would cause someone to close themselves off the way Here had. It was as if Hereo was on this planet, but was not a part of it. He distanced himself from everything and everyone. It was as if all feeling had been trained out of him. He didn't seem to really be able to feel happiness or pleasure, and Duo doubted that he could truly feel love. Hereo obviously did not feel many positive emotions. Duo could see this, but he refused to believe that any amount of training could eliminate negative feelings. How else could someone so unyielding, obedient and mechanical be produced? The perfect soldier could not be created without a great amount of pain.
How did your heart ever get so coldHow did someone ever get so close
That you just don't know
How it feels inside
You're desensitized
They arrived at their destination and Hereo parked the car silently. It was Wufei's birthday and Quatre had organised a day out, an occasion which should have been enjoyable for all but Hereo was treating it with the same emotional detachment he would give to a mission. Duo thought it was as though even Hereo didn't understand how he was feeling. Duo doubted that Hereo truly understood how he felt about anything. He had spent so mush time being trained not to feel that now he was free of that, he did not know how to interpret his feelings.
Duo loved Hereo with all his heart and soul. He hated to think that Here couldn't understand this. He wanted Hereo to feel like he was more than just a soldier. He wanted Hereo to feel special, to feel important. More than anything he wanted Hereo to know how it felt to be loved.
I want to believe that it's a phase you go through
That only gets harder to tell
And sometimes I think
It's an easier thing
To believe that it's somebody else
They returned home after the birthday party and went to bed. They made love, and Duo watched ad the gentle, protective side of Hereo emerged. Hereo could be a different person when they were alone, or when he didn't think anyone was watching. As Hereo's guard slipped, the beautiful qualities that Hereo loved flowered.
As Hereo lay sleeping in his arms, Duo could almost imagine that the cold, distant Hereo didn't exist. He tried to imagine what Hereo would have been like if he'd had a happier childhood. He tried to imaging what Hereo would be like if he hadn't been treated the way he had for so many years, if he hadn't been forced to lose himself off. Duo tried to imagine a happier, more open, extroverted Hereo with a zest for life to match his own. Duo could not imagine what would have caused someone to become so desensitized. Duo tried to imagine reversing these effects, and allowing Hereo to become the person he was meant to be.
As Hereo's sleep was disturbed by the returning nightmares, all images of a different Hereo dissipated and as he woke Hereo, Duo realized that the only way his lover could learn to feel was if Duo managed to convince him to let Duo in, and to allow Duo to help.
Whatever they did
Whatever they said
You know it's much better
Just to run and forget
Whatever it was
Whoever's to blame
You know you can let yourself
Be feeling again