Disclaimer: No, I don't own FF7. Sadly. :(

It was the 30th of December, the second last night of the year. Usually, the pubs would be running out of beer and fistfights would be breaking out everywhere, courtesy of a certain redheaded Scourge of Shinra, or so he liked to be called. Usually. Today, though business was brisk in the pubs, the beer vats were still moderately full, enough for the next day's partying, and bartenders all over Kalm were breathing a sigh of relief. For some reason or other, it looked like the Scourge wouldn't be calling today. Good news, because it meant less repair costs, and definitely a lot less trouble.

The second-last night of the year found Reno slouched on a couch, swigging vodka and cursing Rufus, Tseng and the entire Turk department in general. "Damn Rufus for shooting me… How the hell would I know he was in that wheelchair when I took it for a joyride, anyway? He looks like a frigging pile of rags in that stupid bathrobe thingy he insists on wearing, so it ain't my fault anyhow. Damn Tseng for always having an EMR stuck up his ass and not helping… Stupid 'Laney, she just had to rub it in and cause Rufus to shoot me. Again. And Rude… he's another one. What the hell does he mean, "I can't see without my sunglasses"!? For Leviathan's sake, they're frigging sunglasses not glasses! Sometimes I wonder what I'm slogging my ass off for half the time. An' what do I get?" He mimicked Tseng's comments in a girlish falsetto, "No, you can't go to Healin Lodge with us, Reno. No, no and for the last time, no! Look, why don't you just sit here and don't let your ass slide any deeper than it's already gone? Do some reflection; I expect to see your New Year Resolution when I get back."

He scowled into his shot glass, "Who the 'ell does 'e think 'e is?" Imagining it was Tseng's head, he flung against the wall in a practiced move. It (the glass, not Tseng) connected with the wall with a satisfying crash, the glass splintering and sending shards flying. Reno smirked as a web of extensive, spidery hairline cracks appeared on the wall. Good. It was going to be another reason to bang on Rufus's door and demand for compensation. Almost immediately, there was a banging on the ceiling which was most probably made by a walking stick rapping against it, followed by an elderly, querulous voice, "Young man, you are being a menace to the public! Stop it now!"

"SHUT UP, you old bat! And you can STUFF IT TOO!" He yelled back, loud enough to wake the dead, grinning as a very shocked silence ensued. Well. At least that had been something to make his day. He sighed and sat up, feeling a lot better. Time to get rolling before some other part of his anatomy rolled as well. Tseng was coming back soon, and what he asked for, he got.

Several minutes, Reno was sitting at his desk, glaring at a piece of blank, grubby and dog-eared paper on his desk. He had faithfully followed the rules of writing a report as he understood them: 1) Steal a pen. 2) Persuade someone to give you paper free of charge by glaring at them, looking Extremely Threatening and saying, "Ya do know what's gonna happen to ya if ya don't give me that scrap of paper now, doncha? No? Yeah, well, yer head's gonna fly straight off, then I'm gonna gouge out yer ribs one by one, an' if yer still in the mood for dessert after that I'll rip out yer innards and stuff 'em back in… An' I ain't never learnt medicine so don't blame me if ya get indigestion." (He was rather proud of that tactic. It always got him what him wanted. In Reno's opinion, politeness was for headless ninnies.) 3) Write, was what he was currently struggling with. He never liked writing; it was the main reason he'd joined the Turks. You didn't need much schooling to fire a gun, after all. Unfortunately, things were never as easy as they seemed, because somehow Tseng found lots and lots of reports for him to do. He gritted his teeth, swearing to get his vendetta as soon as possible. A Turk's gotta do what a Turk's gotta do, right? He picked up the pen and laboriously printed out the first word.

Reno, the Redheaded Public Menace, Scourge of Shinra and Chief (self-appointed) of the Piss Tseng Off Committee, presents his New Year Resolution:

1)I will be punctual to work. As if. Okay, I will not be late to work unless I get a pay rise, but since everyone knows that Rufus is a Stingy Old Miser , no, scratch that, very economical minded, that's not gonna happen. Therefore, I will continue with the status quo. (i.e. being late)

2)While admitting no previous fault or blame, I have identified the following areas in which an alternative approach might be conducive to a more harmonious working environment

a) with reference to Boss-Man

not trip Tseng up, not stick bubble gum in his office lock so he can't get in first thing in the morning and has to pound on the door like an idiot, not flick rubber bands at his bindi and later protest I thought it was a fly, not wire his PHS so it plays 'Reno's Great Theme'* endlessly and drives him crazy, not puncturing his car tyres, not swapping his black dress jacket for a hot pink leather one when he asks me to bring it to the drycleaners', not replace his hair gel with Superglue, not let Dark Nation into his office to chew up the carpet, not write fake love letters to him from Elena, not jump at out at him from odd corners and make him spill hot coffee all over himself, not accidentally leave thumbtacks on his seat, not make his paperwork mysteriously combust, not leaving fingerprints on his meticulously polished desk surface just where he can spot them and not be 'annoying' or otherwise.

Heh. I don't think this is gonna fly. Who am I kidding? There wouldn't be any fun left in this life if I left off him. I'm not gonna stop 'less you want a bullet in between your eyes. Though I might consider the 'not trip Tseng up' thing. It's getting old. 'Sides, he always tosses me over onto my back regardless of whether I'm about to trip him or not. Where is the justice in my life?

b) with reference to 'Laney

not set her desk on fire/ pretend there is something so absolutely hideous on her table that it has to be immediately destroyed (e.g. her state-of-the-art, spotless laptop that's just begging to be broken in), not prank call her in the middle of the night and attempt to impersonate Tseng**, not replace with her favourite shampoo with Corneo's Hair DyeTM*** , not strategically plant fake cockroaches where she can conveniently see them, scream and drop her mug of cocoa on Tseng's shoes, not stealing her secret stash of Pringles and pointing the blame to Rude and not abduct her potted plant and conveniently leave it in front of Dark Nation to pee on.

Hmm…. If I really stick by this, I reackon it'll stop Elena beating me with charred desk legs big-time. Nah. I don't think so though. What's a little pain in exchange for fun? It's always worth ragging her 'cos Rufus eventually gets sick of us all and throws us out, so that leaves me with a whole day off. Way to go, Stingy Old Miser. I mean, Rufus.

c) with reference to Rude

not drape his bald head with multicoloured wigs when he's sleeping, take pictures and then upload them to Facebook (Yo, dude, ever heard of Beijing 101 hair treatment?), not nick his sunglasses and aim them at 'Laney for target practice, not abduct Mr Snuffles**** and leave him on top of the fifteen-metre flagpole outside Shinra, not find every patch of turbulence I can so he winds up puking, and not scream "RUDE! TALK TO ME!!! YO, YOU AIN'T DEAD!!" outside his window until the slates on his roof fall off/ or he flings Mr Snuffles at me.

One thing I know is that I ain't ever gonna enlist him any more as my Lieutenant in the Piss Tseng Off Committee. Tseng caught on when Rude was rattling off on out fine the damn weather was that day (it was raining hailstones), and made me open the door to his office instead. Result? Shit hit the fan. Literally. But maybe I should stop teasing Rude for a while. He hasn't turned up for work ever since I took him for a whirl in the 'copter. I wonder why. Anyway, the rookie on the job's a major pain in the ass. Can't talk right, got no brains, and can't shoot straight neither. I got hit thrice by my own side against AVALANCHE. I couldn't face 'em for weeks.

d) with reference to the Stingy Old Miser Rufus

not do a wheelie with his wheelchair while he's still in it, not fold all his paperwork into paper aeroplanes and throw them about in his office, not spike his coffee with vinegar, not eat his favourite Mideel Delight in front of him when he's too sick to actually eat, not barge into his office when he's sleeping and overturn ice-cold water on his head, not monopolise the remote when he's watching TV/ make him watch endless reruns of The Smurfs, which he utterly abhors and not be a 'bloody nuisance' or otherwise.

If Rufus wasn't such a Stingy Old Miser and pay me more than 2000 gil a year, I'd be more than happy to get off his case. Sadly, that isn't ever gonna happen unless Cloud starts noticing Tifa, which is never. So, I'm doing all this in the hope he actually remembers me for once. He oughta thank me for reminding him each and every day that he's alive, and that he's got a bunch of Turks that are seriously, excuse my French, bored outta their minds.

3. Kill Tseng for making me waste my time on this. Turks don't have New Year Resolutions. Ever.

4. Cut Vincent's hair while he's sleeping. It's got moths in it. That ain't very hygienic, but I guess that's what you get from thrity years in a freaking coffin. Anyway, he needs a major restyling, once Tseng's got him convinced to join us. Waste of time if ya ask me, but ya can't call yerself a Turk when your hair bears a striking resemblance to a mopstick. Especially one that looks like it's been used to clear up Rude's puke too many times.

5. Flood Tseng's office in the Great Revenge of Reno. He's just going to absolutely love this.

Signed,

Reno.

P.S. You can go and stick your head down the nearest toilet bowl. And I hope for your sake it hasn't been flushed yet.

Reno gave a pleased grunt as he surveyed his handiwork. It was going to be promising year ahead, indeed. He could just hear the arteries stretching to their breaking point and see faces turning a wild shade of puce. It was amazing what people did once they got really pissed. He strolled out of the house, humming to himself.

Tseng finally got rid of a drunk and amorous Rufus at one AM. Breathing a sigh of relief, he entered his office, which was blessedly quiet, immaculate and Rufus-free as usual. Thank Leviathan for chlorofoam. A couple of drops, and Rufus was out like a ligthbulb. Turning on the light, he spotted a piece of paper on his desk. "What? Ah..."

At least it looked Reno had the decency to turn his work in and not leave it up to Tseng to hunt him down for it. And for once, he hadn't made it look like a whirlwind had devastated his office. Tseng was impressed.

He began to read. As he did so, he noticed a slight dripping sound, but was too busy trying to force his temper down to notice it. Reno's handwriting was atrocious, the paper looked like it had been dragged in the sewer, with ink and various food stains spattered everywhere and his subordinate's lack of respect was utterly outrageous. It's going to be cleaning out the store rooms for him tommorrow...Tseng's thoughts were abruptly broken when he felt something cold lap at his ankle.

"Get off my leg, Dark Nation. Go bother Rufus... or something!" He snapped, but when the animal did not back off as usual, he ventured a glance at his feet. And let out a ear-piercing shriek.

His shoes! His lovely, patent leather, hand-sewn, shiny, ten thousand gil shoes were swamped in black, greasy, stinking water from nowhere! Oh no, please! Not my shoes! No!!!!

In his fury-fogged mind, something clicked into place. He looked back at the paper in a frighteing instance of cold self-control. '5) Flood Tseng's office in Reno's Great Revenge. He's just going to absolutely love this.' His eyes took on an inhuman reddish tint that would have sent any Remnant, no matter how insane, running for cover and screaming in abject fear.

"RENO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That night, the skies were filled with the sound of enraged roaring and the drone of an aged helicopter trying its darned best to get the hell out of there before it was shot down by a very soaked, stinking and majorly annoyed senior Turk. Oh yeah. What better than to spend the last few hours of the year like this? Reno's grin widened as he stared down at Tseng, who'd just tripped over a shrub in his hot pursuit. He could feel it. It was really gonna be a smashing year ahead. Especially when he got the video up on TurkTube.

*something that involved a lot of maniacal laughter, gun fire, farting and yelling of 'Ya can't beat me ya fathead!' No wonder it drove poor Tseng insane.

**you don't want to know. Really. Reno found himself come morning unconscious in front of the phone with a major nose bleed. Oh boy...

***this was admittedly his favourite. Elena's hair, which had never been that fetching anyway, had turned an extremly unflattering shade of something that could only be described as puke green. It smelled exactly like Dark Nation's bum on an especially bad day.

****Rude's favourite teddy bear. For some reason, it was an odd shade of pink and purple, complete with a tiny orange sun on the bear's tummy. The removal of Mr Snuffles would cause a formerly passive Rude to become extremely violent. Reno had barely escaped with his head intact when he'd used it as a pillow on overtime , it was worth it to see the look on Rude's face. He'd nearly pissed himself laughing all the way down Shinra's sixty-four flights of stairs.

Author's Note:

Heh. This is actually the second draft of the entire thing, 'cos my laptop (or more accurately Microsoft Word) has gone crazy. It can no longer save my files, 'cos somehow it claims they're corrupted, which they're not. Damn it. Anyway, hope it was a good read! :D

Listening to: All the Right Moves - One Republic