The New Kid in Town
Note and Disclaimer: Haha, we all know that we don't own anything of M*A*S*H. We just write for it. This is a new series, called "From the Mess Tent", narrated by Private Igor Straminsky. I'm hoping you all enjoy it!
It usually was too much to ask for your first day at work to be perfect, but I guess things are always different in the Army when you can bend the rules and get to play stupid. I mean, a poor and annoyed unemployed slob like me (with an ex-wife demanding money and a son needing an education), drafted as a private to be on Mess Tent duty in a MASH unit three miles from the front lines and play orderly to people who are dying? You got to be kidding me, right? It's the scariest thing ever, even serving food!
But yeah, that's me. I serve the food and hear the complaints, day in and day out, even when I'm off duty. I'm not too happy about it (especially with the whole ex-wife nagging at me from afar and finding out that I'm in Korea). However, it's a far cry from trying to find work in an economy that won't hire people like me, without much of an education and supposed treating the former missus with disrespect. You know, with an ex-wife and supporting my son and all, the Army draft notice almost seemed like a dream come true, although I hated it, and its inhabitants too nosy. I won't tell too much people about it, don't think this gossiping camp needs to know and all, and I don't think I will, since it seems to be none of their business. Standing here and playing a martyr would be good enough.
To be honest, even hearing Captain Pierce joke everyday is kinda amusing. As I slob on what passes as food here, I have to hide my smile and save it for a letter to my kid, to make sure he knows that I still live and love him more than his mother (and trust me, he loves me and keeps it from his mother). As I move a wounded man, woman or child from one place to another, I tell him too about giving them some comfort and being amazed by the people who actually do the work to save them. I mean, I'm just a lowly private after all, but the true heroes are those in the OR. I tell my son that each time and he writes back, even saying that I should be proud of myself too.
However, I think my favorite part of the day is ensuring that Major Burns is unhappy, like the first day we met in the Mess Tent. I like making him confused and all and it makes me pretty content to see him just like that. I think Captains Pierce and McIntyre see it the same way too, ever since my first day on this Mess Tent job, when I learned the camp personnel quickly, earned my place with the cook and started on the line of people searching for food. I remember the line being the longest I can see that day too, the people grumbling always and the food practically making me want to throw up as I stood over it. However, it's just food and the people were hungry, I guess. I served it up and went on with the meal until Major Burns came along.
"Private!" Major Burns yelled as I gave him his food, careful as could be. "You're spilling my eggs onto my toast."
"Huh?" I wasn't sure what he was talking about.
"You're supposed to be putting the toast on the left, the optional French toast on the right and eggs on the center," Major Burns continued, as if I were an idiot. "If not the French toast, then the optional pancakes go on the left and the toast goes on the right and the eggs in the center. Syrup could be in the corners, so it touches the pancakes alone."
Being played as an idiot, I decided to act as one and would be from now on. "Oh, is that really so, Sir?"
"Don't be coy with me," Major Burns retorted. "You can follow directions when directed carefully. It's what you get for being enlisted. You can directions on everything because you know nothing."
"I never knew, Sir." I started stirring the hot syrup for the so-called pancakes and the eggs separately. "I'll remember next time."
Then, without warning, I put toast on the right, syrup on top of it and eggs all over the tray, done as quickly as you please. All of it splashed on Major Burns, hot syrup and all, and the whole tent erupted in laughter when seeing the action. It dripped down his face and almost cooked there some more, so hot he was, and mixed with the other food on his tray. I swear, even the eggs appeared better cooked on Major Burns' face than it ever did with the cook. I contemplated saying that and decided against it. I was in enough trouble as it was.
"Was that how it worked, Sir?" I asked instead, playing stupid.
Major Burns sneered. "Never mind, Private. We'll talk later."
It was later that I learned that I was put on report, but that was worth every moment of it. Although I was in the new kid in this town, it was not worth arguing with the colonel about my behavior. I accepted it, made a few excuses about being bewildered and went on my way. I escaped severe punishment for now, endured more complaints from the others in the camp and made my routine here. While the wounded had been another story for another day, I still found it worth this new career in the Army to risk the wrath of an officer.
That I wanted to write to my son. I think he'll find that funny enough.