What Remains

Sometimes, in the early morning when the sun has just begun to rise and Kakashi finds himself standing before the memorial stone in the quiet of morning, he likes to think less about Obito and Rin and all of his mistakes and more about Sasuke and Sakura and Naruto. Sometimes he asks the lifeless stone before him for advice. Sometimes he asks Yondaime's face, which he can see clearly from here.

Sometimes, he just thinks.

And, though he is loath to admit it because shinobi (especially former ANBU members such as himself) are not supposed to feel, he worries; sometimes, he wonders if he passed Team 7 because they had potential or because they reminded him of his own team which fell apart a long, long time ago much like his current team is falling apart (but this time it's not the same because nobody has died, not yet anyway, and he can't help but wonder about who will be first).

And, just like so long ago, he blames himself.

If he had maybe stayed with Sasuke a few more minutes, if maybe he had been at the hospital instead of here when the two boys of his team decided to go at it, if maybe he had taught Sasuke more, if maybe he had been a better teacher, if maybe he hadn't given them that second chance when they failed, then perhaps none of this would have happened. They could have been great, the best Konoha had ever seen. They could have been so much more united, then they could ever be now that they were apart.

But somehow, Kakashi doesn't think so, and even as his mind tries to cope with the guilt and the pain that he shouldn't be feeling because he's a shinobi, for fuck's sake, he finds himself thinking that Sakura could never be what she is now without Tsunade, Naruto could never have grown so much without Jiraiya, and Sasuke would certainly not be so powerful without Orochimaru.

Kakashi stares down at Obito's name with his one visible eye and the guilt ebbs away slightly (but not enough to fill him with a sense of relief at all because technically it's his fault that the name is there in the first place), and he wonders at the pain his bonds have given him and why (why, why, why) Obito gave him this eye because maybe if he hadn't he wouldn't be alive and everything would have ended a long time ago.

He puts his hands in his pockets and walks away, away from the names of the people who taught him how to live, healed his wounds, and gave him the Sharingan, and thinks that maybe he's just an old man that thinks too much, or too little (but either way he's still an old man who's seen too much and lived too long for his own good), and that maybe he's gone a touch mad.

But either way the guilt slips away as he ambles onto the bridge where Sakura and Naruto wait for him with a chorus of "you're late!" because they really are so strong (stronger than he'll ever be because he's a coward of a shinobi who couldn't even save his best friend's life), and he can't help but wonder how they keep their morale up when they know that Sasuke is still out there and they're still in here, but deep down he knows the answer, because he's an old man who thinks too much and knows too much and feels too much for a former ANBU.

They live for Sasuke, because Sasuke is their goal, more important than proving themselves and saving lives, more important than being strong and becoming Hokage, and as long as he is alive then they will continue to believe, because they are young and filled with hope (so much hope) instead of guilt.

And he knows, somewhere deep down, that they will achieve their goal (all of them, in fact), because they are stronger than he will ever be because he is an old man who talks to stones and they are children who will stop at nothing.

And he thinks, as he comes up with another lame excuse even though both of them are old enough now to know where he has been going every morning since he became their teacher (and long before that, too), that maybe this time he hasn't fucked up as badly, and maybe this time there is still hope, because they are stronger now than he ever was and ever will be.

Well...I think it pretty much speaks for itself. Haha. Reviews are love.
Dani-chan