Author's Note: This story is an excerpt from An Algorithm for Dating, but it can easily be read as a standalone story. I didn't want to up the T-rating on that story and I didn't want to give up on what I had already started here, and thus this smutty little three-shot was born. I'm not really sure if it's humor, parody, satire, smut, romance, or something else entirely.
Writing good smut is walking a tightrope on a razor's edge, a carefully crafted balance of terminology and euphemisms. It's a hard genre to write and one in which I do not excel, so here's a story that runs the gauntlet of everything that often goes wrong in smut fics and features not only oddly specific medical terms, but also hilarious purple prose and some explicit raunchiness.
I'm not sure if you'll laugh, cringe, or enjoy it (or maybe all three) but without further ado, here's a story about the time Spock accidentally found a trashy romance novel and the things he learned.
She sits on the desk next to components of the broken receiver, swinging her feet in a playful motion. She pulls him close and kisses him and his hands instinctively trail from her kneecaps to her thighs, past the hem of her skirt to her undergarments. She's warm and wet and pauses when his fingertips brush along the edge of the soft, pliable fabric. She shivers.
Has he made her uncomfortable? Has he hurt her? He stops, which is fortunate because moments later a cadet casually enters the lab through the door they forgot to secure. He leaves a short time later, wondering if he should have invited her up to his quarters the following night.
The rare moment of inattention passed and Spock pushed the memory of the night before deep into his subconscious and returned to reviewing the chemical composition of oxytocin.
It was a heavily studied neuropeptide produced by the human pituitary gland during sex, childbirth, and breastfeeding. Humans had bestowed a number of monikers upon it: the cuddle chemical, the hug hormone, the moral molecule, and so on, due to its role in pair bonding and female reproductive biological functions. Excepting a pair of amide functional groups, it was identical to yamareen, the Vulcan pon farr hormone. Fascinating.
He swiped his finger left across the screen and returned to the previous page, a detailed article about the hypothalamus, and continued to read about its role in human sexual behavior. So many regions of the human brain were essential to sexual function. Moreover, humans produced a wide range of hormones specific to mating – far more than Vulcans – and he wondered about the evolutionary implications of such marked complexity.
From an anatomical standpoint, there was little difference between their species' genitalia and reproductive organs, aside from the presence of a specified sex gland in Vulcans versus a more intricate endocrine system in humans. Nyota had approximately the same vulva, vagina, cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries as her Vulcan counterparts, though he noted her species had an external ko-lok, an organ humans referred to as the clitoris, that was located internally near the cervix in Vulcan females.
At least he assumed Nyota had typical genitalia. He didn't actually know.
They had come close to mating on several occasions – the prior evening in the after hours long-range sensor lab they'd found themselves alone and a quick kiss had threatened to evolve into more – but social conventions, interruptions, and the threat of discovery conspired to keep them celibate.
Few Vulcans engaged in mating for purely recreational purposes, but Vulcans still appreciated that mating had functions that went beyond reproduction. It was widely understood that physically joining one's body to a mate was a necessary part of maintaining a pair bond. This necessity seemed to be elevated in humans, likely due to the human inability to link minds with another human partner.
Spock was not bonded to Nyota, either formally through a ceremony or informally through a private mating bond, but he wished to be. He had never told her so, but he loved her.
She was still a cadet and their relationship was still considered "new" by her standards, but he knew enough about her to know she was everything he sought in a mate and nothing he didn't. He enjoyed her bold personality, preferred her engaging company, and secretly admired her gentle touches and smiles.
He sensed she had yet to decide on him, and he understood part of her indecision stemmed from her uncertainty about their sexual compatibility. She'd told him as much, and when he attempted to reassure her that humans and Vulcans were quite capable of copulation, she'd laughed and clarified that she wondered whether she would enjoy the act of mating with him.
It made sense, logically. Mating was generally considered pleasurable for both their species, but a thing that provided pleasure was also inherently subject to degrees. Some things were more pleasurable than others. Furthermore, pleasure was subjective: what he enjoyed would not necessarily be enjoyable to her.
Since her frank admission, he'd puzzled over how to ensure their first mating would be satisfying for her. The longer they continued without resolution, the more uncertain he became.
After the previous night's experience and facing the prospect of being alone with her tonight, he resolved to discover what human females found sexually gratifying – at least on average – and thus his research into the biological aspects of human sexuality. The anatomy and physiology references were helpful in explaining what he should expect to find, but not what he should do.
"Computer, research human physiological response to sexual activity."
It returned hundreds of millions of articles, both primary research studies and general literature, so Spock selected the top-rated article and read about the four phases of the sexual response cycle – excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.
He started to read over the excitement phase and quickly limited his search to females – erect penises and swollen testicles were irrelevant to his particular inquiry – and discovered a wide range of characteristics.
Heart rate and breathing accelerate. Skin may become flushed. Nipples become erect. Muscular tension increases. Blood flow to the genitals increases, resulting in swelling of the woman's clitoris and labia minora. Vaginal lubrication begins.
Spock paused and glanced out the window.
She whispers his name and traces her fingers along the tendons of his neck. Her cheeks are radiating unusual warmth, but he doesn't dare touch them and link their minds together. He doesn't want her to know how much he burns for her. She pushes her pelvis against him; it is a hungry motion.
His PADD chirped, startling him back into the present. It was an automated message indicating unauthorized entry into the one of the unclassified first floor labs of the Tarkington Computer Engineering Building.
An alert would also be sent to campus security and the staff duty operations desk, but Spock decided to investigate the matter for himself. Campus security was notoriously slow to respond to low priority calls – if they responded at all – and the staff duty officer would simply annotate the message in the duty log.
Since he was responsible for those labs and the equipment in them, it seemed prudent to personally ensure they were properly secured and protected against theft and vandalism. He knew subconsciously that he also required a mental respite from his peculiar morning studies due to his growing distraction, but he refused to consciously acknowledge this to himself.
When he arrived at Lab 3 of the Tarkington Building, he found the room locked. He entered his access code and walked inside, surveying the lab and noting it was empty and appeared untouched. Just as he prepared to call campus security, he received a second message, apologizing for the first message, which had been sent in error following a series of regularly scheduled weekend system updates.
He left the lab, sealed the door, and turned left down the corridor. He'd had to enter through the inconvenient afterhours entrance at the North end of the building, but since he could leave by any exit, he chose the shortest and most logical route through a group of study lounges near the main entry.
It was a Saturday so he expected lighter traffic than was typical during the duty week, but he was surprised to find the lounges deserted. He heard a quiet giggle from the far end of the hall. Not completely deserted.
He scanned the area but didn't see anyone. Strange. Then his sensitive ears picked up the soft, high-pitched voices of two young women.
"Where did you find this?"
"In my great-grandma's attic over spring break. They were going to send it to the recycler."
"This is amazing."
More giggles.
The voices were coming from the opposite end of the main lounge near the exit, but he couldn't identify their precise location. The lounges were open to cadets at all hours; therefore as long as they were students at Starfleet Academy, they were authorized to be here. Spock proceeded toward the exit without further thought, but as he approached their position, their voices became louder and more difficult to ignore.
"So who would you want to 'smother your body with carnal vibrations?'"
The women emitted a loud series of brays and snorts. "I don't even have to think about it – Commander Spock."
For a fraction of an instant, his logic failed him and his step faltered. There was a laugh that was met with more hysterical squealing.
"Your computing theory professor? Really?"
"I don't know what it is… he's so tall and so… Vulcan." She sighed. Spock's eyebrows reflexively rose as he continued toward the door. It was rude to eavesdrop, but he was curious and they had chosen to hold their conversation in a public setting. As he walked closer, he realized they were sitting on the floor in one of the cubicles facing the exit.
He heard one of them muttering, but her voice fell into a crescendo of excitement as she exclaimed, "…said Lord Rycliffe, massaging her treasured pearl of passion before piercing her with his virile maleness!"
Their speech again devolved into shrieks and laughter. Had they been quieter and more reserved, perhaps they might have heard the click of his shoes on the cold tile. Regrettable. The moment he walked into view, they both screamed.
Two cadets – one whom he recognized as Eleanor Applebaum, a first year student from his computing theory seminar – stared at him from the floor of the cubicle, eyes wide and unblinking. He hadn't intended to stop and converse with them, but their abject shock at his presence gave him pause.
"Good afternoon, cadets."
"Sir," they both stammered, scrambling to their feet.
"As you were," he replied.
Their hands dropped to their sides but their eyes remained large and locked on him, studying him as though he were a dangerous predator. Their discomfort was obvious.
"Please, return to your studies," he replied.
Cadet Applebaum's face turned a vivid shade of scarlet. He recalled his morning's research, particularly the excerpt from the article on the excitement phase of the human sexual response cycle that indicated, "skin may become flushed." Given she had announced her desire for him to "smother her body with carnal vibrations," perhaps that was the source of her darkening complexion.
Yet he knew of at least three other conditions that would cause this reaction in her species – heat exhaustion, oxygen depravation, and embarrassment – and concluded he lacked sufficient information to reach a conclusion as to the cause of her reddening face. He had no interest in mating with her but decided it would be indelicate to inform her of this in the company of a third party and particularly when he obtained this knowledge through indirect means.
"We were- uh- just- yeah. We were just leaving, sir," muttered the other cadet through clenched teeth, refusing to make eye contact.
"Yeah. Right," Cadet Applebaum agreed. "C-c-can we be dismissed, sir?"
"Certainly," he replied, stepping back on his left foot to allow them to pass more easily.
Spock watched as they practically ran for the exit. Once the door closed behind them, he could hear muffled yelping coming from outside. Their behavior was a mystery, but many of his female students conducted themselves in peculiar ways.
Female students generally fell into one of three categories: those who sat very near the front of the classroom, often smiling and blinking at an increased rate and asking frivolous questions, those who sat near the back and looked ill whenever he spoke to them, and those who were indifferent to his instruction and blended in with the rest of the class.
There were occasional exceptions; Nyota had been one. When she'd been a student in his xenolinguistics programming lab in her second year, she sat near the front but rarely asked questions, though when she did they were thoughtful and contributed to the discussion rather than detracted from it. She'd never been afraid to look him in the eye and speak clearly and confidently. She had been an exceptional student.
He took a step forward but a small, rectangular object on the floor grabbed his attention. He stooped to pick it up, presuming one of the cadets had dropped it and discovered it was an antiquated paper book titled, The Squire's Mistress.
The cover featured a shirtless man possessing long, dark hair and impressive musculature holding a blonde, buxom woman in a torn, white gown. He tucked it under his arm and left the Tarkington Building, deciding he would return it to Cadet Applebaum when he saw her in his class on Monday afternoon.
He returned to his quarters and his previous studies, resolving to finish reading more about the latter three stages of the human sexual response cycle. The female orgasm intrigued him most.
It was a series of involuntary muscle contractions in the vagina and uterus that often produced a vaginal ejaculate or secretion. More importantly, it was the most critical phase of sexual intercourse in terms of stimulating the chemical changes in the body that produced enhanced feelings of love, intimacy, and contentment.
It seemed the most logical course of action to please Nyota and bring her closer to accepting him as her bonded mate would be to induce an orgasm during their first mating. But how?
"Computer, research how to produce a female orgasm."