Once again Archer misplaced the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Takes place right before Drastic Voyage.
Mallory's Miserable Morning
It was a typical morning at the spy agency. (Well typical for this particular agency). Which meant Mallory was yelling at her son on the phone.
"Sterling you better not screw up this courier job like the last one!" Mallory snapped. "I mean it! This has to go perfectly! Especially after you ruined that Wales assignment only six days ago! Sterling! Sterling!"
"Damn it!" Mallory snarled as she realized her son hung up. "Bastard!"
"So Archer's gonna blow another mission huh?" Cheryl snorted as she walked in.
"Cheryl if you say one word about this…" Mallory growled.
"Ugh relax! I won't say anything about this stupid secret CIA mission I'm not supposed to know about," Cheryl groaned. "Like I really care about Archer picking up some top secret formula for nerve gas."
"If it wasn't for the fact that you barely even remember your name I'd ship you off to a black site…"Mallory began.
"In Morocco yeah I get it!" Cheryl snorted.
"Actually I was thinking Dubai this time," Mallory amended.
"Yeah like you're going to get rid of your only other source of income!" Cheryl snorted. "I know for a fact the protection money I pay you once a month pays for at least the electricity in this place."
"Damn it," Mallory grumbled, knowing Cheryl had her there.
"Why do you keep giving Mr. Archer these jobs when you know he's just going to screw them up?" Cheryl asked.
"Because Sterling Archer is the best agent I have!" Mallory defended her son. "Well now anyway."
"He's the best agent you have now? Boy this agency really has seen better days," Cheryl remarked.
"Just get out of here!" Mallory shouted.
Cheryl left in a huff. Lana walked in immediately after her. "What did she do now?" Lana asked.
"Very little as usual," Mallory growled. "Like the rest of my staff."
"Mallory I keep telling you we should get certified as a real agency so we don't have to sit on our asses all day waiting for the CIA to call!" Lana barked at her.
"And I told you that I have been trying but things aren't going so well so shut up!" Mallory snapped.
"I'm not the one who got us in this mess," Lana protested. "We were doing just fine until you got us mixed up with the CIA and their drugs for arms fundraiser scheme in the first place! Well maybe not just fine but still…"
"Is there an actual reason you're here or is this just another one of your whining fits?" Mallory snapped.
"I came to ask if you've seen Archer," Lana asked.
"Who knows? He's probably out doing some whores or getting drunk," Mallory lied. "You know him. Speaking of drunken whores where is the rest of the idiot brigade?"
"Ray's in his office having a tiny mental breakdown over his bionics again," Lana admitted. "Cyril is drinking in his office having a breakdown because he knows he can never have me again. Milton just kind of broke down period. And Krieger and Pam are…doing a project in his lab."
"They're making porn cartoons again aren't they?" Mallory groaned.
"They call it anime but yeah…" Lana admitted.
"How much are they making distributing their crap?" Mallory asked.
"Mallory! You can't be…" Lana began.
"Lana we need money in the worst way!" Mallory said.
"Well that would be one of the worst ways to get it," Lana folded her arms.
"Oh please!" Mallory scoffed. "Are you serious? That's where you draw the line?"
"What?" Lana asked.
"Lana we've done everything from assassinations to blowing up oil pipelines to drug selling to carrying out a coup to looting a palace just as the bombs were dropping!" Mallory snapped. "So I hardly think you have the right to get all righteous and judgmental over a little harmless cartoon porn!"
"I…" Lana held up her hand and then stopped. "You kind of have a point."
"You think?" Mallory said sarcastically. "I mean come on Lana! You're not exactly little Miss Innocent here! Remember Sterling's murder rampage which you filmed?"
"Only because he asked me to…" Lana fumbled. "He had cancer! What I was supposed to say no?"
"Right. Why set a precedent?" Mallory rolled her eyes. "Not to mention your little sperm stealing spree!"
"It was not a spree!" Lana protested. "Okay a little breaking and entering but not a spree."
"So if it makes us money which we need why not?" Mallory snapped. "I find cartoons distasteful but then again I also find country music distasteful. And Cheryl. So if I can swallow this…"
"Ugh so glad we are not doing phrasing anymore," Lana groaned.
"You can put a sock in it Missy!" Mallory finished. "Besides. It's not even a real crime. I mean it's just a bunch of drawings. And Pam and Krieger recording their grunts which they do all the time for free anyway!"
"It is kind of tame compared to some of the other stuff we've done," Lana admitted.
"And if it makes us a profit I'm not going to reject it!" Mallory told her. "We've already burned through the money I made selling that gargoyle statue Krieger stole."
"I thought you were unusually calm about him not destroying it," Lana said.
"In hindsight I should have told him to save all the statues," Mallory sighed.
"And maybe not let Archer be in charge of protecting any statues," Lana added.
"So get down there and find out how much we can make off this!" Mallory barked. "And now that I've thought about it, take Cyril with you! He's probably some kind of porn expert."
"I wish I could tell you he wasn't…" Lana groaned as she left the room.
"Ugh…This is what I've been reduced to," Mallory poured herself a drink. "Becoming an animation pimp. God this agency has seen better days. Every time I think we can't sink any lower the bottom just swallows open another sinkhole from under my feet."
She got out of her chair and walked to the window. She sighed as she looked out of it, holding her drink in her hand. "I remember when I first opened this office like it was just yesterday. Hell I remember when I first built this building! Standing there proudly as they set the cornerstone with that guy I killed stuffed in it."
"Oh those were the days," Mallory reveled in the memories. "Back then this agency was a powerhouse! We were accomplishing missions left and right! Assassinations! Espionage! Wiretapping! Plugging leaks and picking up secrets like they were litter! I was young and beautiful and had all of New York's most eligible bachelors in the palm of my hand. And other areas of my body."
"But now…" Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "So many of the men that ran this town are either dead, in a coma…or in Len Trexler's case their brains figuratively turned to lettuce. I'm not in the loop anymore. I'm barely hanging onto the edge of the loop with my fingers."
"I don't know what I would do if I lost this business for real," Mallory realized. "I barely hung onto my sanity when I faked closing it! If I'm not a spymaster anymore…I'll lose this building. My condo in Florida…Sterling's apartment which I won't be able to pay for anymore…"
"Which means he'll probably have to move in with me…" Mallory shuddered in terror. "Oh God! The last thing I need is that kid cramping my style!"
"This is quitter talk," Mallory growled as she finished her drink. "I'm not down yet! I know I can still bring this agency back from the brink of disaster! If my son and the rest of the idiots who work for me don't screw things up!"
"Everything will work out and be fine!" Mallory told herself as she went back to her desk. "We will recover from these past few fiascos…All right several fiascos and regain our agency's former glory!"
"Which reminds me I really do need to find another name for this agency," Mallory frowned.
Just then Mallory's personal phone rang from her purse. She frowned as she recognized the number.
"Oh this is not going to go well," Mallory winced as she answered the phone. "Hello? Oh. It's you. What a surprise…"
Mallory winced from the torment of yelling in her ear. "Oh. Really? Well I suppose our agency could have done better on one or two assignments…"
"Now hold on a minute!" Mallory interrupted another stream of yells. "I don't care what Hawley said! We did not screw up every mission we were given! That is a lie! Well for starters we did blow up that plane and recover the black box! And we found that Japanese soldier so…"
"What do you mean the Japanese soldier says he actually blew up the plane?" Mallory blinked. "Oh for crying out loud! Who are you going to believe? My son or the guy stuck in a jungle for decades because he didn't think to go out and get a newspaper?"
"Well what about Argentina?" Mallory challenged. "We got that disk remember? And my son was grievously wounded because you used a damn double agent as backup! More like triple agent! And then there was that assassin we took out…"
"Okay so three Interpol agents died in the process. That was not our fault. You said so yourself he was a deadly assassin! Yes, I am aware Sterling caused an avalanche that destroyed that chateau. It belonged to who? Well it's not like they couldn't afford to replace it!"
"What do you mean you never found the body? So? It's probably still buried under the snow! What do you mean there are already rumors of that assassin still alive? They're probably just some guy who looks like him! If my son says he shot and killed a man, he did it! Well he'd better have done it!"
"The point is that we did have some successes! Okay so they weren't perfect and caused a few international incidents. Well how much worse do you think it would be if my agents killed that MI6 agent? Seriously if you think about it, kidnapping him and handing him off to Slater was the only sensible…"
"Well it's not Sterling's fault those so called terrorists who couldn't accomplish anything led that agent right to the cabin!" Mallory snapped. "He did what? Okay…How do you know how that happened? Oh. The MI6 agent told…Yes. Yes. Yes. I see your point. All right…Perhaps Sterling was a bit at fault when he blew his cover. Yes. Yes. I understand. I will talk to him about it and…"
"So what did happen to those Welsh separatists if I may ask?" Mallory gulped. "Really? What the…? How do you blow yourself up twice? Well that just proves it then! It's not my agents' fault those two so called freedom fighters were so incompetent that not only did they couldn't carry out one mission, they were easily spotted and tailed!"
Then Mallory winced as she heard another tirade on the phone.
"I can explain about the Nellis incident…" Mallory groaned. "But…But…But…Will you let me explain?"
"This is what happened from what I understand…" Mallory began. "Somehow Sterling got himself on the no-fly and no-train lists. Yeah. I know. I had no idea there was such a thing as a no-train list myself."
"Any-way…" Mallory went on. "Cheryl used her private plane where my idiot agents and drones all decided to go a little field trip to pick him up. Apparently Gillette flew them into restricted air space. Where they got shot down. So this is technically his fault. Not…"
"Well yes Sterling did falsely use Slater's identification," Mallory winced. "And yes he did lie to the commanding officer. Yes. He did beat up several soldiers. But not all of them. Pam beat up at least one…Yes. She and Dr. Krieger were running around free in the base. In their underwear. Yes most of my team was running around the base in their underwear."
"And yes I admit they stole a plane but think about it!" Mallory protested. "I mean if it was this easy for my team to go out and take out the Air Force and steal a plane from one of the most highly guarded bases in the world…Well I think that says how bad their security is don't you think? If you look at it one way we did them a favor by pointing out the many flaws in their own security system!"
"Now that I think about it, who just shoots down a plane without any sort of warning?" Mallory snapped. "It didn't occur to them that a plane that big would have accidentally slightly veered off course into restricted air space did it? Did they contact the plane and tell them to leave? No! Did they at least try to contact the plane? No! So basically the Air Force wasted a missile attack for no reason! They could have easily avoided the whole situation with one simple phone call."
"Radio call! Whatever! The point is the Air Force overreacted and it's their own fault!"
"Okay I can explain about the Durhani royal fiasco," Mallory winced at the next round of yelling. "That plan was way too complicated and…I see. Oh. Oh boy…Yes. I…I…"
"All right I know those other secret missions you had us do didn't go that well either but still…" Mallory protested. "Not all our fault!"
"Oh well I concede that the incident at the Tuntmore Hotel was slightly our fault but we had no idea a major sting operation was going on and..."
"Fire? What fire? Oh at the Grand Tunt Hotel...That fire. I don't know. I left before that fire happened. I did! I nothing to do with it!"
"Come on. We've known each other for years! Decades!" Mallory pleaded. "I'm good for it!"
"What do you mean I'm getting too old? I'm five years younger than you!" Mallory snapped. "It is not different for women than it is for men!"
"That's what this is all about isn't it?" Mallory snapped. "You know if I was a man we wouldn't be having this conversation!"
"Oh…If I was a man you'd just ship me off to a black site in Morocco," Mallory gulped. "I see your point."
"Look if you want to punish someone…Take Gillette!" Mallory said quickly. "Yeah take him. He's bionic so you can have your scientists study him or something. You can even borrow Dr. Krieger. And Pam. And I know for a fact Cheryl will love any torture you give her so…"
Mallory frowned at the yelling on the phone. "Well I wouldn't say Sterling makes the most mistakes out of all of them…" She defended weakly. "He's extremely talented!"
"No…I have no idea exactly how many new strains of venereal diseases have originated from him," Mallory winced. "Can't be more than one or two. Five? Well I know about that one they call the Archer's but…Oh. That's an actual saying now. Interesting."
"Yes you have been generous," Mallory said. "Extremely generous. Yes. Well perhaps I could show you my gratitude over dinner some…Well yes I know you're married now to your new wife. That's never stopped you before!"
"I am not too old!" Mallory shouted. "It's called experience! I'll tell you one thing, I bet that new young chippie you just married won't do half the things I can! Probably doesn't know what they are!"
"Well if you are no longer interested in what I have to offer maybe I'll go see my dear friend Sheridan at…" Mallory frowned. "No, I didn't hear. How did he die? Heart attack? Oh."
"Fine I can just go to Carl and…" Mallory began. Then she stopped. "When did he die? Last week? Another heart attack?"
"Then I'll just go to Frank at…" Mallory tried again. "What? Another heart attack? It's like it's an epidemic or something!"
"Well I know for a fact George is still alive at…" Mallory began. "What do you mean he's mad at me because of the tapes with Jakov? What tapes?"
"He said he wasn't taping those phone conversations!" Mallory was indignant. "That lying little…I tell you it's getting so you can't trust anyone in the spy game nowadays!"
"What do you mean by the irony of that statement?" Mallory asked into the phone.
"Now listen…Wait…Will you wait a minute? But…But…" Mallory's face turned ashen. "Well there's no need to be drastic."
Mallory was now starting to get worried. "But I...It's not my..." She protested but the speaker on the other side of the phone wouldn't let up.
"Yes," Mallory gulped. "Yes I understand. One last mission after this courier thing…And if we screw it up. We won't. It will go perfectly fine! Just fine! I swear!"
Mallory winced and hung up the phone. "That could have gone better…" She grumbled.
She went to pour herself another drink. "Oh God Sterling really needs to get this mission done and not screw it…WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"And hello to you too Mother," Archer stumbled in smelling of smoke and his clothes looking slightly singed and covered with soot. He took the glass from her hand. "Ugh. You would not believe the day I had!"
"I thought you were on a mission to transport that formula!" Mallory barked.
Archer held up a finger as he finished the drink. "Yeah well the mission ended early because the formula's gone."
"What do you mean the formula's gone?" Mallory snapped. "You lost the formula?"
"Not as much lost as…burned," Archer admitted. "Funny story…"
"OUT!" Mallory screamed and pointed to the door. "OUT! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! OUT! OUT!"
"Fine, I'm off to the bar," Archer sniffed as he left the room.
Cheryl walked into the room laughing. "He blew it didn't he?"
"Shut up!" Mallory growled.
"Called it!" Cheryl went on.
"Again! Shut up!" Mallory snapped.
"Seriously? He's the best agent you have?" Cheryl giggled. "You really believe that don't you?"
"I have to Cheryl…" Mallory moaned. "I have to…Especially when the alternative is to put a bullet in my brain."
"Besides..." Mallory sighed as she took another drink. "It's just another secret mission...How badly can he and the rest of you idiots screw it up?"