Hello again, readers! Today's (or yesterday, actually...) a special day! Today (again, yesterday...) marks the day that my best friend MysticSpiritus has been a member of this site for a full year! So as an anniversary gift, I made her this oneshot. If there's one thing she loves, it's the humor I deliver!
Disclaimer: The basic plot is Mystic's idea. However, I take full custody and responsibility for damaging these characters with my creative style of humor. Also, you will see a couple of characters that have appeared in Mystic's work. They belong to us and no one else.
Bad Case of Ring Digestion
By RenzokukenZ
The sweet melody of the violin filled the air along with the aroma of exquisite foods in Paradise Avenue, a new restaurant that opened up in Edge. Many tables were occupied by dating couples, eating their meals and making small talk amongst each other. One couple in particular consisted of a middle aged blond man in a discomforting suit and a brunette woman with a cute pair of glasses and a nice blue dress, eating a healthy salad while her male companion had a rare-cooked steak.
"I still can't believe you actually brought us here for our date, Cid. I was beginning to think you didn't like these types of places." The former rocket scientist helped herself to more salad while her date, the ever romantic Cid, watched on with a weak smile.
In reality, the pilot hated anything that involved him wearing a suit. That fact was rather obvious based on the way Cid failed to keep his composure and the occasional eye twitch. Yet why is he here? Shera herself doesn't know, and is too busy enjoying her night to aid in solving this case. But it was rather simple.
Cid Highwind has a plan. He and Shera have been together for a while now, and it was apparent to both that they loved each other, though it's hard to believe at first sight. And so, on this fateful and rather cliché night, he plans to propose to said woman. It's the only reason he sees to suffer wearing a suit. That and free food. And the way he would do it was also planned out perfectly.
Shera put down her fork after having eaten all of the salad, and gave a warming smile to the spearman. "This is very nice, Cid."
"Ya like it?" So far, so good, he thought.
"Of course. This night has been lovely. And I'm so happy, even more so since you didn't need the aid of Yuffie to plan this." She gave an innocent laugh while Cid facepalmed.
"What makes you say that?" He really didn't need to ask, but what the hell.
"Well for starters, you're not chasing that poor girl after she throws an absurd comment at you, and I'm not drinking wine bottle after wine bottle trying to forget what happened. You're also not swearing off to every male in here and threatening them with your lance. Compared to those nights, this one's perfect."
Sheesh, she didn't have to say it so bluntly. Nevertheless, this meant everything was going his way tonight. Now to add the finishing touches.
"So, you ready for some dessert, dearest?" Cid felt out of character with the whole 'gentleman' dialogue, but he wasn't gonna complain. At least not until they get home.
Shera gave a nod and Cid proceeded to signal a waiter. A young chubby man showed up beside them, an oh-so-creepy smile on his face. The kind you only see on clowns.
"How may I serve you two, tonight?" creepy, chubby waiter asked, his smile never fading.
"Yeah, uh, tell the chef that Cid Highwind asks for the, um, "Tonight's Special". He'll know what it means." Creepy, chubby waiter scribbled something on his pad and marched to the kitchen, leaving the pilot to recap his plan.
He had the head chef put the engagement ring in a slice of chocolate swirl cheesecake. Shera's favorite. He did this an hour prior to the date, meaning that the young woman was ignorant of everything. Sure the "hide the ring in food" method is rather cliché, but come on, it's Cid. He's not known for his originality, if he even has any.
After having a nice conversation with Shera as to how stupid Yuffie is and why he hasn't killed her yet, the creepy waiter came back with two places of cheesecake, setting one in front of each person.
"Here you go. Enjoy your, uh, night." He hesitated, and walked away nervously. Cid had a mind to get up and confront the fat punk and ask if he did something to his cake, like spit in it or worse, but was quickly brought back to sanity upon hearing Shera's cute shriek.
"Chocolate swirl cheesecake! My favorite! Oh, Cid, I'm starting to like this new, different you. Can this night get any better?"
Cid merely smiled and chuckled. Oh, it will be, he thought. But he still couldn't understand why the waiter was so nervous. Maybe his botox was wearing off or something.
It wasn't until after he took a few bites out of his own slice of cheesecake that he found out why.
In his head he played a scenario in which he could tie in with his current state. The chef and the waiter are eyeing each other as they stare at two identical slices of cheesecake. One has the ring. The other, doesn't. Yet, they can't tell the difference. To make things worse, those were the only two slices of chocolate swirl left. No metal detector or scale in sight. Poking and prodding would only damage the food. So they were left with one choice. Take a 50/50 chance and hope for a winner. Without consulting Cid, of course.
Which leads to the situation occurring now. Cid felt his stomach churning and a fierce pain escaping, his arms clutching his burning insides as he fell off his chair, grabbing everyone's attention. It's easy to figure out which cake he got.
"Cid! Cid, what's wrong!?" Shera dropped down where her date was lying, sweat pouring down a red pissed off face.
"I'm…I'm gonna kill that fucking waiter! And that shithole of a chef, too! I'm gonna…Uagh…" Cid felt nauseated, the pain becoming too strong that he fainted. Just then, sirens from an ambulance were heard outside of Paradise Avenue, the crowds of bystanders making way for the medical team to retrieve the unconscious Cid.
"Hm…I see. There's the problem right there. He's on the floor." stated one member of the medical team. Judging from his white overcoat, he was the doctor, but his long hair said otherwise.
"Come on, doctor. We have to get him to the hospital before he bursts." stated the other member, a petite nurse with a twang in her accent. The Costa del Solian doctor stared at his feminine partner and proceeded to nudge her with his elbow. "He's not the only one that's gonna burst."
"Quit it, doctor! We have a patient to attend to!"
"Yes, ma'am."
And so, without the use of any equipment, the male doctor and female nurse lifted up the passed out Cid by his limbs, took him outside to their ambulance, and drove off to their private clinic which is also a gay bar on weekends.
After 2 hours of hectic surgery, which in reality only took 30 minutes but other 'things' occurred involving the dashing doctor and hot nurse, Cid awoke in a much more relieved state.
"Uh…Where the fucking hell am I?"
"You're in the hospital." answered the nurse, who was busy rubbing the pilot's head for no apparent reason. "The doctor will come soon with your diagnostic." She paused and began to giggle like a sugar-filled schoolgirl. "Heheheheh….Come."
"Okay, I have the results, and they're not pretty." The hippie doctor came in and stood by Cid, making the patient sit up to take the news.
"Are you the doctor? Man, they just give medical degrees to anybody these days, don't they? So what is it, doc?"
"You need a degree? Er…Nevermind. Anywho, here it goes. You have cancer."
It was like a shot to the heart for the pilot. He really expected his night to end with Shera saying 'yes', not some hippie doctor telling him he has the big 'C'. He stayed in a comatose state for a while until he began ripping up the bedsheets, knocking down the nurse in the process. "Ah, dammit all to hell! I knew all that smoking was gonna do me like this!" The raging pilot was close to tears when he heard the soft chuckle of the pretty nurse. Soon after, both medical personnel busted out in laughter, and Cid was this close to killing them with his bare hands. He was clouded with rage that he didn't pay attention when the nurse took a picture of his priceless face with her cellphone.
"Ah, we're just messing with you. You just had a bad case of ring digestion." The doctor said after wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes. Cid just stared at him with a blank look, the anger inside being suppressed behind his mind.
"Bad case of…what?"
"Ring digestion. A diamond ring was trapped inside your intestines along with some delicious chocolate swirl cheesecake."
"You…tasted it?"
"What!? No, of course not!" the doctor spat defensively, but the constant shifting of his eyes said otherwise.
The sexy nurse finally recovered from the recent laugh fest and stood back up after falling off the bed. She noticed the looks the doctor and patient were giving each other, innocence and disgust respectively, and straightened out her uniform. "What ring?"
"This one." The doctor reached into his overcoat pocket and proceeded to remove a bundled cloth. He unwrapped it to reveal the ring that was supposed to be attached to Shera's left finger by now. Cid really didn't like how his night was turning out to be, and as that bitch known as fate would have it, it only got worse.
"OMG!! Are you proposing to me? I thought we talked about this!" the nurse blushed a bright red, while the doctor stood there confused. To Cid, however, this was the last straw.
"Now wait just a fucking minute!" He jumped out of his bed and lunged himself at the doctor, prying the ring by brute force. "If anyone is gonna propose to anybody, it's gonna be me, you asswipe stoner!"
"Cid?"
Just then, the door to the medical room opened and a feminine frame with glasses entered, her blue dress half covered by a jacket.
"Oh! You're just in time! I just got proposed by two men today! How lucky!" the nurse squealed and began hopping in joy, completely oblivious of the fact that she hopped out of the room and was locked out.
"Cid, just what in the hell is going on? Don't tell me that was all a stunt to get a free meal again. And it was becoming a perfect night, too."
"What are you talking about, woman? I had a fucking ring lodged inside my gut! The idiot waiter gave you the wrong cake, and I ended up eating it by accident! See?" Cid showed Shera the ring, and coincidentally, he was on one knee, since he was busy fighting the doctor. The pilot didn't know what he was doing until he noticed Shera's face brighten and a few tears falling on her cheeks. "Uh…Shera?"
"…Yes." She said softly.
Cid's heart began beating harder and faster. She said yes! This whole night went to Hell from the very beginning, but somehow fate decided to stop being a bitch and give him a taste of Heaven, and now the woman that he loves has agreed to marry him.
Alas, he spoke too soon.
"Um…Mr. Highwind?" the doctor asked, pain evident in his voice as he was still pinned to the floor.
"What is it now?! Can't you see I'm celebrating?"
"Well, uh, your surgical scar opened up and a lot of blood is oozing out."
"What!?" Cid looked down and, sure enough, his stomach and everything underneath the belt line was soaked in crimson blood. That explained why he felt so lightheaded after Shera told him yes. He thought it was love. Go figure.
"Well ain't this a bi…"
And just like that, the celebrating pilot landed head first on the floor, unconscious. But this time, he passed out an engaged man. Shera, however, was still star struck from her recent proposal and finding her husband to be in a hospital bed because he ate the very ring she was wearing. The doctor even managed to squeeze himself out of Cid's limp body, his overcoat now a dripping pink.
"Well, I'll patch him up and send you the bill in the morning. Congratulations, by the way."
It just wouldn't end for Cid Highwind.
I know, what the hell is wrong with me, yadda, yadda, yadda. Sorry if sounds a bit repetitive and rushed. This whole thing was forced out of my mind since writer's block still radiates from me. Anywho, hope you like it, Mystic! Happy 1 year anniversary!
Please read and review!