by
Morrigan (Morrigan71@aol.com)
Story. The setup is that the characters from "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" are reading this story and offering an on-going
commentary in their very own despairaging way. This in no way reflects my personal opinion of Carl's work. It is just for fun.
> "Forgiveness"
>By: Carl Price
Mystery Science Theatre'd by: Morrigan
>I believe there is a place where restless souls wander.
Crow: *singing* I believe the children are the future...
Crow & Tomservo: *singing* Teach them well and let them lead the waaaaaay.
>Burdened by their greif, they cannot gain entrance into paradise.
Mike: Now I didn't know this story was about Adam and Eve.
Crow: Fig Leafs! Fig Leafs!
>Some of these souls are grief-stricken over the loss of a loved one,
Tomservo: And some of them are just grief stricken over the cancelation of Melrose
Place.
Crow: Yep. Sad thing.
Mike: They should have never let Courtney Thorne Smith go to Ally McBeal.
>others feel that their deaths were wrong, and untimely.
>I also believe in the power of love.
Tomservo: So did Huey Lewis and we see how much it helped his career.
>I believe love is stronger than death, and if two people loved each other enough-
nothing can keep them apart. Not even death's veil.
>-"You better hope and pray that you make it safe
>back to your own world"-
>Shakespear's Sister "Stay"
Crow: And now it's time to play "Remember this musical quote because at some point
in the story it's meaning will become obviously clear."
>"You were never good enough for my daughter..."
Mike: Yeah, Adam. You're no good!
Crow: Yeah! You promised you would keep her away from the fruit!
>Darkness surrounded him. Cold and merciless, like the words her father said long ago.
>The words that sent him over the edge of sanity.
Tomservo: Whereas before he had just vacationed there....
>"You'll never amount to anything..."
>He felt the anger and rage building up inside as more insults crashed into his mind.
>"I love you so much..."
>He moaned in agony as a voice sifted through his mind. He could see her in front of
>him, her long blonde hair cascading down her shoulders, her soft blue eyes sparkling
Crow: Her heaving bosom barely restrained in a Victoria's Secret push-up bra.....her firm
buttocks hugged by her tight jeans...her
Mike: Crow...
Crow: ....supple white shoulder revealed just enough to tease...
Mike: Crow!
Crow: What?
Mike: Cool it. Don't want to have to turn the hose on you again.
>with an angelic light. She meant everything to him.
>"I...." "...love..." "...you..." "I... love... you..." "I love you..."
>"I-love-you-I-loveyou-Ilove-you-IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou...."
Crow: I think she loves him. What do you guys think?
Tomservo: I don't know.....
>"HEEEAAAAATHERRRRRRR!!!" he screamed, his voice reaching an almost inhuman
>pitch. He snapped his eyes open and looked at his surroundings. All around him, he
>could see sorrow and hopelessness- painful and gray.
Tomservo: It seems our hero isn't a big time 'accentuate the positive' kind of guy.
Crow: Nope.
>In the bare, gnarled trees covered in bleached white bark. In the congregations of people
>that gathered and walked around almost aimlessly. He could feel the presence of Death
>all around.
Tomservo: *singing* If you're happy and you know it clap your hands *clap*clap*
>"W-Where am I?" he asked in a choked voice.
>"The Land of Nod,"
Crow: Wow. Is William Burroughs here too?
>a soft voice said from behind him. He spun around and looked at the person that spoke.
>A young woman, about 18, looked back. She had a strange, three-teardrop design
>painted under her left eye.
Mike: And she was wearing tights and a cape...
Crow: That's right! It's Afterlife Girl!!
>"What the hell are you talking about and who the hell are you?" he asks.
Tomservo: Our hero seems obsessed with purgatory.
Crow: Hmm...he must have been raised a Baptist.
>She shrugged.
>"You're in the realm where restless souls wander," she answered, "it's not quite heaven,
>it's not quite hell. It's just.... here."
Mike: Could we be a little more vague, Afterlife Girl?
>She swept her arm in a wide circle.
Crow: ...grabbed her tomahawk and began to dance in a large circle.
>He looked around and saw that, even though he hadn't moved, his surroundings
>changed. He and the girl now stood at the foot of a long bridge that stretched over a
>deep canyon.
All three: JUUUUUUMP!!!!
>"You shouldn't worry about who I am Eric..." the girl whispered., "just worry about
>yourself and your love for your girlfreind."
Crow: Okay which girlfriend? Jeez, narrow it down a little bit for me, Afterlife Girl, I
was a busy guy.
>He looked at her in shock.
>"How do you know my name?" he asked, pushing a lock of hair away from his face.
>The girl shook her head and pointed across the bridge, "She's waiting for you.... see?"
Tomservo: And She's PISSED!
Mike: Yep. He must have left the seat up again...
>He looked at the other side of the bridge and saw someone coming towards them. Eric
>and the girl started to walk towards the person.
>"Do you know who that is?" the girl asked. Eric nodded slowly then took off in a
>heartpounding run.
>"Stop!!" the girl screamed, "You can't touch her!! You're a ghost to her!"
>Not listening to her words, he continued running to his beloved. When he was close
>enough, Eric opened his arms to embrace her. As his arms began to close around her,
>however, a strange sense of incoherence fell across him, and instead of wrapping
>Heather up in a warm, loving embrace, he passed through her body and landed roughly
>on the bridge.
Crow: DUH..I meant to do that.
>"I told you so," the strange girl commented, appearing beside him suddenly. Eric looked
>up at her and shot a deadly glance.
>"What happened to me?" he asked, tears welling up in his eyes.
Tomservo: Aw..he's all sensitive and stuff.
>"Aside from the fact that you're deader than a dorrnail," the girl remarked, "the way this
>place works is this: If you died and accepted it, you go on to the nicer place. If you
>hated the way that you died... you're stuck here until it all gets fixed. When that
>happens, you could be here for a very long time."
>Eric looked over the side of the bridge, "There's another way, isn't there? There's a way
>that I can fix it, right?"
Mike: I'm sure there is, otherwise we could all leave now and not wait around to see it
all get fixed...
>"I don't know," the girl sighed, "it's believed that if you jump off this bridge, you go
>back to the Realm of the Living for a short time."
All three: DON'T JUUUMP!!
Crow: Define 'short time'.
>Slowly, he grabbed ahold of the support ropes and climbed over, his feet finding just
>enough purchase to keep him from fall. Eric looked over his shoulder at the girl and
>winked.
Crow: Oh sure. First you curse at me, now you wanna flirt. I know your game.
>She smiled crookedly and nodded.
>"Just one thing Eric," she said, "never forget why you went back..."
>He stretched his arms out to his sides and fell forward, slowly flipping head over heels...
All Three: AHHHHHHaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
>An ancient legend tells of crows carrying souls to the afterlife.
Tomservo: Hey, Crow, you're in this story.
Crow: I'm not carrying anybody anywhere unless I can charge a fare.
>The legend tells of certain souls that have so much grief over their death they can't rest
>in peace. When this happens, the crow sometimes brings the soul back to earth for an
>attempt to allieviate the pain.
Mike: That sounds like a lot of traveling. I wonder if there are 7-11's between the
Afterlife and The Realm of the Living....
>-I am not here, I think I've never been here at all
>or ever will. I feel like a place that none goes anymore-
>Stabbing Westward "Why"
Tomservo: Okay now shouldn't we clear up how the FIRST song quote fits into the story before we go on to another?
>The darkness surrounded me once again.
Crow: Always with the darkness this guy.
>It frightened me. I was scared when I was in the Land of the Dead. But now, in this
>confining, dull darkness, I think I was merely nervous.
>~You know where you are big boy?~
Crow: Big boy? When did he go in the gay bar?
>"No, I don't," I snap, "and I really don't want to play 20 Questions right now until I
>accomplish one thing."
>~What's that, slick?~
Mike: I wanna DANCE!
>"I want the fuck out of here!"
All three: GASP!
>I start slamming my hands and kicking my feet in the darkness. I feel and hear the earth
>around me groan in denial.
Tomservo: Yeah..it's cause Earth thought she was finally rid of you and now here you
are coming back.
>I get an idea,
Crow: Uh-oh....
Tomservo: Did anyone else hear a light bulb go on and then fizzle out?
>a good one, hopefully.
Mike: Yeah....no kidding!
>~You die down there hotshot? Oh wait... you're already dead.~
>"Joke it up jackoff," I hiss, "when I get outta here, I'm gonna rip you a new arsehole."
Crow: And our hero goes on trying to impress us with his extensive vocabulary!
>I draw my arms as close up to my chest as I can and inhale deeply through gritted teeth,
>keeping most of the dirt out of my mouth.
>"Look out," I whisper in warning. A moment later, my hands snap out and rip through
>the dirt above me. I smile in joy as I watch the earthen lid above me snap in two as I
>push the ground up and out. I start to shout with joy, ecstatic that I'm free. Right then, a
>ton of dirt falls back into the hole. Square into my face.
Crow: He's so suave. He's got all the moves.
Tomservo: He's a bad motha-
Crow and Mike: Shut Yo Mouth!
>"Dammit."
>I spit the dirt out, then stand up in the newly opened grave and look around. In the early
>coming-of-dusk light, the world of crude wooden crosses seems beautiful and ugly all at
>once. I climb out of the hole slowly, my arms and legs feeling numb.
Tomservo: Uh...I'm pretty sure you're head's numb too, buddy.
>I lay on the dew-soaked earth and stretch my arms out as rain pours on me from above.
>Despite the icy rain falling on my face, I am still burning up and somehow freezing
>cold.
Mike: Full of contradictions, this guy.
Crow: Ummhmm.
>~Hey, hotshot, get up~
>The voice that goaded me out of the coffin spoke to me again. I look around and could
>only see a glossy black crow perched on a shrub that grew over my grave.
>I must be out of my mind,
Tomservo: And the light bulb comes back on....
>I think, I hear a voice, but I only see a crow. A damn big crow at that.
All Three: DAAAAMN!
>~Jesus Christ,
Mike: See, I told you this story was about The Garden of Eden.
>you had a 180 IQ when you were alive... now you're dumb as a brick. I must have been
>hated in a former life.~
Crow: Now we don't want you to feel like it was just people from your former life who
hated you.....
>"Okay," I say, "whoever is talking to me... please show yourself. In case you haven't
>noticed... I'm having a bad day."
>The crow caws loudly, drawing me to it.
>"Wait a minute here..." I breathe, "I talk, you caw, right? But, if I talk now, and ask you
>a question, will you answer?"
Crow: CAW!
>~Maybe~ a voice coming from the crow replies. ~All depends on how you ask.~
>"What happened to me?"
Crow: CAW!
>~It'll come to you later. First thing's first, we both need to get the hell outta here.~
Mike: Apparently the bird was also a marine..
>The crow flies off of the shrub
Crow: CAW!
>and glides to a fence
Crow: CAW!
>that runs through a large swamp oak.
Crow: CAW!
Mike: And badly misjudging his distance, slams smack into the oak.
> I get up and, my legs still stiff and numb, slowly walk to the gates.
>"Any place you wanna take me to?" I ask the crow, leaning on the fence to support
>myself.
>~I'm merely following you... at this point, anyway. You pick where we go.~
>"I don't even know where we are."
Tomservo: Surprise, surprise..
>~Sure you do... you used to live here.~
>I look around at the graves and how they are arranged. It all seems so familiar to me. I
>know where the crow and I am, but I can't place it.
>Finally it hits me, "Palatka?"
Mike: Is that on Venus?
>~Yep, we're about two miles from your old apartment.~
>I jump over the fence and start lumbering down the sidewalk, hoping no one will see me
and ask where I just came from.
>It seems like it takes an eternity for me to get one mile down the road to a K-Mart.
Crow: Just wait until you pick the cart with the bad wheel.
>I walk up to the door just as a pimple-covered stockboy is pulling a train of carts inside.
>"Store's closing in fifteen minutes, sir," Pimply said in a weird falsetto voice.
Tomservo: OXECUTE 'EM!
>"I know..." I continue walking, "I won't be long." The boy gets a look at my face and
>goes deathly pale.
>"Man.... go right ahead," he stammered, "do whatever you need to."
>I walk past him wordlessly and wander through the store, heedless of the stares I'm
>receiving from people leaving the store.
Crow: Now I don't believe anyone at K-Mart would have the right to look at anyone else
strangely.
>Why is everyone staring at me?
Tomservo: Because there's a cracked lightbulb above your head and you keep tripping
over your own feet!
Mike: Now in all fairness, he hasn't tripped over anything for at least several paragraphs.
Crow: Yeah. He's doing much better than those Night of Living Dead People.
Tomservos: Braaaains. Must have braaaains!
>They can't tell that I'm dead, can they?
Crow: Uh, the fact that you're walking around and talking might have something to do
with it, Einstein!
>~It's the simple fact they are watching a person with a crow on his shoulder walking
>through their store. Go to the bathroom hoss, you'll see it then~
>I head towards the restroom of K-Mart and push on the door. The lock holding the door
>keeps it from moving. I stare at it, hoping that by my constant gaze, some magical force
>will unlock it.
>~Pull the lock off the door~
Crow: Now here's another thing that is totally unrealistic. There are never locks in the
doors of stalls in a public restroom.
Mike: Especially not at K-Mart. The shoppers steal them to use on their trailers.
>Slowly, I reach up and take the lock in my trembling hand. I pull it gently and the
>bracket rips halfway out of the door.
>"I did that?" I ask in amazement.
>~You sure did buddy. Now, pull it the rest of the way off and walk into the damn
>bathroom~
Tomservo: Boy, everything is damned in this story. Damned bathroom, damned lock,
damned bird.
>I rip the lock the rest of the way off and push the door open. That moment, someone
>announces that the store is officially closed and all the lights cut out. I can still see
>almost perfectly and walk over to a stall.
>~You don't need to take a whizz boy, you ain't drank anything in almost a year~
>"I ain't dead... but I'm not alive," I whisper softly, "You gottin be jacking my anchor,
>right?"
Crow: And if things aren't damned, they're jacking or have been jacked.....
>~No. You're worm food, and your girlfreind is dead too.~
Mike: Could someone please tell me which one?!
>"Heather? No... that can't be right... I'm standing right here! I'm alive goddammit...
>alive..."
>~You look in the mirror lately Eric? Come on, turn around. I dare ya~
>I spin around and look at the bird, perched on a sink. It caws loudly and my gaze goes
>up to the mirror. I walk closer and see that my forehead and cheeks are covered with
>bizzare scars. Two jagged cuts run over my eyes, from my scalpline to the just below
>my nose. Four more smaller scars run from the ends of my eyes down to my
>cheekbones.
Tomservo: So somebody played connect the dots on your face with a pocketknife.... bign hairy deal.
Crow: I know! What a wimp.
>~Not a pretty sight, huh bub?~
>I touch the scars lightly. They're cut deep into my skin and haven't healed fully. The
>skin on the edges feels almost like dried leather.
~You know how this happened? Or do I have to give you some pointers?~
>I don't answer. My head is swimming
Mike: ...in the dreaded damned jacking depression of the darkness...
>in the confusion of this. I feel sick. Real sick.
Crow: Hey, you're the one who wanted to go in the men's restroom at a K-Mart, smarty.
>I barely manage to stumble to the stall >before I heave up whatever was last in my
>stomach.
>~Pointers then~
>"What are you talking about?" I groan.
Tomservo: Damned jacking bird.
>~The part of the job I hate. Buckle ya seatbelt son, it's gonna be a bumpy ride~
Mike: And the bird does his best Bette Davis.
Crow: You know he wasn't half bad. I could really see him in "All ABout Eve". He has
a certian je ne sais quoi.
Tomservo: He should send in some head shots.
>A thousand images run through my mind. Images of Heather:
Crow: Hey! He liked Melrose Place too! I wonder if he liked it better with Courtney
Thorne-Smith or without...
>(my girlfriend kissing me, holding me, laughing with me, laughing at me.)
Mike: Nagging at me to take out the trash, clean up after myself, and stop whining about how I'm depressed....
> (The first time we made love.)(Heather coming up to me with a look of joy on her face)
("Eric... I'm pregnant")
Crow: Me asking her who's it was and groaning in despair at the thought that I had been allowed to procreate.
>(taking her in my arms and holding her close) ("We should get married... I don't want
>our child to grow up like I did, not knowing who the father is")
Mike: So why don't you call up one of your ex-boyfriends and see if they would like to
be the little tyke's Daddy. I'm outta here!
>(Telling her father and having to stand silently as he shouted insults and obsceneties at
>me)
Crow: You damned jacking no good ruffian!!
>Images of running into Arthur Parrot, someone some time later that owed me money:
>("Arthur, when are you going to pay me back?") ("Man what the hell are you talking
>about? I ain't took nothin' from you, you fuckin cocksucker")
Tomservo: Hey look at that! Just when we thought we had this story figured out he
throws in some new curse words to confuse and delight us.
Crow: YEAH!
> ("Three weeks Arthur, that's all. No more than three weeks from today") ("What'll you
>do if I don't pay you back? Go cryin to your fuckin cunt of a girlfriend?") (Doing my
>best to hold back my rage when he insulted Heather behind her back) ("No, Arthur. You
>don't get me my money in three weeks, I'm gonna pistol whip you then set your dick on
>fire")
Tomservo: (pause) Well that sounds like fuuun! I'll call you! We'll do lunch!
>Images of what happened three weeks later:
>(Heather hanging on my arm as we walk home from a movie. We pass through the
swamp graveyard that hasn't been used in over 50 years)
Mike: Is anyone else feeling trapped in parenthesis?
Crow: *singing* I wanna hold you in parenthesis.
Tomservo: This is obviously the writer's way of giving his readers a great big HUG!
Mike: Aw..he shouldn't have, the big softy.
>(Arthur and a group of people walking up to us, hands behind their backs) ("You have
>my money?")
Tomservo: No, but I have some pez...
>("No, I got sumthing better though") (Arthur's cousin, David, pulling a gun out and
>shooting Heather in the stomach) (Her look of despair as she clutches at the hole in her
>belly as Arthur shoots her in the chest) ("Eric... the baby... I lost it... I'm sorry")
>(Attacking Arthur and David in a blind fury, not even feeling someone ram a knife into
>my back) (Falling to the ground and rolling over just as a hispanic girl sits on my chest
>and places a knife on my cheek) ("He saw the world as it truely was.... I can use his
>eyes")
Mike: Oh no not another eye stealer...
Tomservo: Yeah...we had that crap in the movie.
>(Not seeing anything, but still able to hear) ("He's still alive Arthur, what do we do?")
Crow: DANCE!
>("This is a graveyard, right?")
Tomservo: either that, or it's a city with really small buildings that are all white...
>("We bury them both, then let the critters handle the rest") ("You still got that heroin?...
>Put it in him.... all of it")
Mike: Ah, I guess he really did go to the Land of Nod...
>The images end suddenly and I am still looking at myself. My eyes are rimmed with
>tears. As the first one spills down my face, it runs thru the main scar, leaving a dark
>grey trail.
>~Ashes. You and your love were sacrificed, so now you show the marks of one
>sacrificed
>"What am I?"
Mike: We think you're a Baptist, but we're not sure...
>~There's no real term for it, but someone was kind enough to generalize us all as
>Corvine~
>"And that means?"
Crow: You're a not very popular...car?
>~'Of the Crow'. I feel flattered come to think of it~
>"That weird chick in the Land of Nod said I should never forget why I came back," I
>said, shaking my head to clear it up, "what happens if I do?"
>~Lets hope you never find out~
Tomservo: I hereby arrest you on the charge of foreshadowing in the first degree!
>MONDAY 8:45PM
Tomservo: Do you know where your children are?
>Gary Allen sat in his livingroom, whiskey bottle in one hand, remote in the other,
Mike: Hey look! It's George Wendt!
>watching old home movies he made of his daughter.
Crow: Isn't it oh so precious? Look! This is the one we were going to send in to "When Animals Attack".
Tomservo: She's so adorable with those wild boars.
>He cried to himself as he watched these videos, because he knew that his baby girl
>would never be in another one of those films. All because of that bastard she was
>dating. He got her pregnant. He took her away from her father. He murdered her and
>their unborn granddaughter while he was on heroin. He was lucky he killed himself,
>because if he showed his face around Gary, there would be hell to pay.
Crow: Gary Allen in "Big Bad Daddy II"! Coming soon to a theatre near you...
>"Oh yes," Gary said, pulling another hit from the whiskey, "that mangy little drugfuck
>would have had hell to pay for killin Heather."
Mike: Hmm..I think I better write that one down...
>I made my way out of the bathroom as silently as I could. Not that I needed to, the store
>was empty as a school on the last day of June. The crow remained faithfully on my
>shoulders
Crow: CAW!
>as I journeyed through Kmart for what I needed.
Tomservo: Oh, man! We're still stuck in the K-Mart?
>I first stop at the men's clothes and pick out a large black jacket and black vinyl pants.
Mike: Now, I know for a fact they don't have vinyl pants at K-Mart!
Crow: How do you know, Mike?
Tomservo: Yeah...have you been there?
Mike: (pause) No, I mean I've just heard things...
Crow: Uh-huh..
>I go to the shoes and grab a pair of Wolverine construction boots.
>"Attention Kmart shoppers," I hear a voice say. I nearly jump out of my dead skin until I
>realize it's a recording, "In our men's department are the newest fashions from Garrison
>Kelly. Also, in our sporting goods, we are running blue light specials on all our
>Winchester and Remington ammunition."
>~You thinkin what I'm thinkin'?~
>I smile and nod, then sing, "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to steal we go."
Mike: Hey, he almost sounded chipper there.
Crow: Yeah, maybe he stopped off at the pharmacy..
(Snippety snap)
>~Why didn't you paint yourself up, hoss?~
>"I didn't want to," I answer. "I want the people that killed me to see me coming."
All Three: EWWWWW
(Snippety snap- Our hero finally leaves K-Mart.)
>I look down at the bird, and smile as it hops on my shoulder.
>~Wanna do another one?~
>"I need to rest," I whisper, "know a good place?"
Mike: There's a Days Inn just up the road.....
>~Follow me~
>The bird hops off my shoulder and flies across the fence. I leap over and follow the bird
>through the apartment complex I used to live at until we reach my old apartment.
>Yellow police tape is strung across the door and windows and a condemned sign is
>posted on the door. ]
Crow: All good signs that you should not go in.
>I push the door open and step inside.
Crow: But then we never said our hero was the sharpest knife in the drawer.
>I move to my old bedroom and look around. All my posters are still on the wall.
Tomservo: Ah! Cheryl Teagues! KISS! Oh how I've missed you! *sniffle*
>All my belongings are where I last left them.
>The bed is what draws me. The place where two lives became entwined and a third life
>was created. I see Heather and myself rolling around beneath the covers and
Mike: But wait...that's not me she's with....it's
Crow: My brother! GRRR!
>feel my throat knot up. Hot tears well up in my eyes and pour down my face. I fall onto
>the bed and begin to sob uncontrollably.
Tomservo: Ah, man, he's crying again.
Mike: Kind of a sissy-boy isn't he?
>"I killed them," I sob, my voice choked with emotion, "they both died because of me. If
>I didn'a bother Arthur for the money, he wouldn't have ambushed us and he wouldn't
>have... have..." My words melt into unintelligent sobs of pain.
>I feel a soft hand settle on my shoulder and rest there.
>"Eric, it wasn't your fault," I hear Heather's voice say. "it was our time to go."
Crow: Yeah...there was a sale at the mall here.
>"How can you say that?" I cry into the mattress, "you had a life inside of you. How can
>you say it was your time when your... OUR baby wasn't even born yet."
>"Eric," Heather says to me, "do you even know if our baby would have been born?" I
>shake my head.
Tomservo: With these two for parents, I would have ran too.
>"Maybe our baby's angel knew she wouldn't be born," Heather whispered into my ear,
>"and she wanted us to be together. Do you understand that?"
>I nod. "I understand, but I can't leave until I'm done. I have to make sure they know the
>pain I went through. I hope you can forgive me..."
>I feel Heather's lips on my neck for an instant. "I forgive you."
>Instantly, peace washes over me and I drowse off to sleep...
Mike: Ahhh....he looks just like a little angel when he's sleeping doesn't he?
>-Father Lucifer, you never looked so sane, how's the Lizzies?
>How's your Jesus Christ been hanging?
>Tori Amos "Father Lucifer"
Crow: Oh no, don't drag Tori into this! For the love of all that's holy and decent,
NOOOO!
>"People, the devil walks amongst us!"
>"Amen!"
>"The Great Deceiver is behind us at every moment of our lives! He watches us! He
>follows us!"
>"Hallelujah, Brother Russel!"
Crow: See, I knew the Baptists would fit into this somehow!
>"But we have something that can halt the Great Deceiver, that old Devil, and send him
>from us in a hurry!"
>"Praise Jeeeeeeesus!"
>"That's right, brothers and sisters. We have the one thing- the ONLY thing- that can
>send the Devil packing!"
Mike: A free two day pass to Six Flags?
>"What is it, Brother? Tell us about His love!"
>"We have the Love of Jesus Christ!"
>The congregation stood up and cheered as 28 year old Reverend Alan Russel held his
>arms high.
>"I was walkin down the street one day my people," Rev. Russel preached in a hearty full
>voice, "and I was passed by some young people that were dressed in all manner of
>Devil-inspired clothing,"
Tomservo: Damn that Doctor Marten! Damn him all to hell!]
>his voice dropped down a few octaves.
>"They saw me walkin past and they put on their meanest faces, faces they used to scare
>children and old folks.
Crow: Uh. nooo....I think that was how they always look.
>And they were spoutin' all manners of filth and obscenities from their mouths.
Mike: It's a good thing the Reverand here hasn't met the bird in this story.
>And then, my brothers and sisters, these children saw that I had the POWER OF THE
>ALMIGHTY behind me! Can I get an 'amen'?"
>A section of the crowd acknowledged him.
Crow: While the rest of the crowd fights to stay awake and thinks about what they'll be
having for lunch.
(Snippety snap-more talk of children the devil..etc.)
>"If this wasn't so important, I wouldn't be here Arthur."
>"Don't call me that!" Alan snapped. "It's Alan now... Alan Russel... Reverend Alan
>Russel."
Mike: Uh-oh...somebody's never learned that honesty is the best policy.
>"Well, Reverend," the other man said, spitting the last word out liek venom. "Somebody
>just iced your cousin David. An 'ice' isn't the best word to use, 'flambe' is more
>appropriate."
>"SHIT!" Alan screamed,
Crow: He's spoutin filth and obscenities!
(Snippety snap)
>I wake up almost 15 hours later from a horrible nightmare starring myself and a
>skeleton dressed up like John Wayne.
Mike: Alright, I definitely think he stopped off at the pharmacy.
Crow: Yeah...those Tylenol PM's really pack a helluva punch.
>I look around and see the crow sitting on what once was my dresser. It's perched on the
>mirror and looking at me, it's tiny head cocked at an angle.
Tomservo: Don't do it, Crow...
Crow: CAW!
>~Finally decided to get up, I see~
Tomservo: No. Just though I'd roll over. I think I'll just lay here a few more hours and
watch 'The Price is Right'.
(snippety snap-they leave to go find the other killers)
>-Drawn down to face this hell,
>The voodoo I created, the voodoo I know well
>Angels of Dissidents "What I know"
Mike: Oh look, a song lyric. We don't see those often enough in this story!
>"Dark Father, we bring to you this sacrifice of blood and flesh," I heard Carla Audette's
>voice ring out clearly, "All in return, we ask for what you will give us! POWER TO
>RAISE THE DEAD!"
Crow: Oh, is that all?
>A bolt of lightning rips thru the air as Carla raises the knife above the sacrifice, an
>attractive, young high school girl with half a cc of heroin injected in her.
Tomservo: She never should have joined the "It's Okay to Wait Club".
Crow: Nope. Bet she's regretting it now.
>Carla begins to make bizzare signs in the air and chant in almost nonsensical words.
Mike: And then everyone realizes she's just having a flashback to her first Ozzy Osborne concert.
>A second bolt of lightning breaks apart the sky and at that moment, Carla slams the
>knife into the girl's heart.
Crow: But it doesn't kill her because she's wearing the new I Can't Believe It's Not
Armor bustier by Victoria's Secret!
Tomservo: Crow, you have this thing for Victoria's Secret that is really starting to scare
me.
Mike: Me too. No more catalogs for you.
>"Jesus Christ," I moan, "how can this shit go on?"
>~Easily, no one knows~
>"Well I do... and if they wanna see the dead raise, I'll give it to them..."
Crow: Get angry! Get angry!
Tomservo: Preach the word, brother!
>I wait until Carla and her brothers turn around and sneak over to the corpse of the girl. I
>lay beneath the wooden altar and leave one eye open. I'm treated to Carla laying a big
>french-kiss on one of her brothers.
Mike: Wow. Are you sure this isn't "Flowers in the Attic"?
Crow: Where's the evil grandmother?
>~You were right about Palatka. Bunch of incestuous bastards~
Crow: So I guess we're in Kentucky then, not on Venus?
>I watch another of her three brothers bring a torch over to the altar and set it on fire. I
>lay beneath the altar and hold it up as the flames destroy everything but me. I finally let
>the altar fall on and around me and let the fire burn for a good minute or two.
>"Carla! Carla! Look!" one of her brothers shouts, "somethin in the fire!" Her eyes light
>up with orgasmic joy as she looks where her brother is pointing.
Crow: Hmm...doesn't take much to get this girl going. A little incestuous kissing...
Tomservo: a dead guy in the fire...not too complex of a gal.
Crow: I WANT her!
>At me. Time for the big >entrance.
>I throw my arms out and climb to my feet amidst the fire. I hold my arms down at my
>side, palms facing Carla and her brothers, but I keep my eyes pointed downward, so she
>doesn't recognize me.
>"Whatchoo
Mike: Bless You!
>gonna ask him Carla?"
>"Yeah, what's the question?"
>Carla walks up to the edge of the fire and kneels, the knife outstretched in her hands.
>"Great Embodiment of our Dark Father,"
Crow: *heavy breathing* The force is strong with you!
>"Death," I answer softly. "I only see death for you, and your brothers. I see the Avenging
>Spirit coming for you. Because of what happened a year ago."
>Carla looks up at me in horror.
Tomservo: Oh damn! No winning lottery ticket?
>~Gonna kill em?~
>I step out of the fire, still holding my arms out. I look down at Carla and smile.
>"Have you seen the world for what it truely was, Carla?" I ask, looking at her sadly.
>"Carla, what's this fucker talkin about?" one of her brothers asks.
Crow: Why does it not surprise me that JohnBoy here doesn't understand what's going
on.
Tomservo: *Humming theme from 'The Waltons.'*
>"JUSTICE!" I holler, snatching the knife from Carla's hands and brandishing it over her.
>~Do it boy~
>As I bring the knife down on Carla's head, her brother pulls out a knife of his own and
>flings it at me. I watch the knife as it sticks into my chest and then I look at it.
Crow: Oh, damnit! Do you have any idea how much I paid for this shirt at K-Mart?!
>Slowly, I drop the knife from my hands and grab the one in my chest.
>"I bet you think that hurt me, huh?" I whisper,
Mike: I'm gonna guess it didn't.
>dragging the knife out of my body slowly. I feel my muscles and flesh reattaching inside
>me as the knife leaves. I toss it in my hand a few times and then hammer it into the first
>brother's forehead.
Crow: Bullseye!
>"And I bet that hurt you."
>Carla and the two remaining brothers watch the first one fall to the ground. I look at all
>three of them and raise my face up, revealing the scars that marked me on my return.
>"C'mon!" I holler as loud as I can, "who's next?!?"
Tomservo: Man, it really is 'The Waltons'. I've never heard the word holler except on
that show and in this story. Hmmm...
Mike: Food for thought.
>The second of the men tries to yank a handgun out of his pants. I'm on top of him in
>three steps, his throat in both my hands.
>"Guess you shouldn't have worn underwear, huh bubba?"
All Three: EWWW!
Crow: No! Can we please NOT talk about the redneck's underpants. For the love of
God!
(Snippety snap, killing other brothers, fighting off Carla)
>Carla places the knife at her throat and presses, "You can't go back if I kill myself."
Mike: Now how would she know that?
Tomservo: Maybe a certain little birdy who says damn a lot told her.
>"That's where you're wrong Carla," I whisper. "You do that, you're guaranteed pain and
>suffering for eternity.
Mike: That's right. You'll be trapped in an afterlife where Martha Stewart reigns
supreme!
>My way, you have a fifty fifty chance at paradise."
>Carla lowers the knife from her throat, tears running down her face, "I tried to be good.
>Honest I did."
Crow: Honest! I didn't mean to kill a lot of people with various weapons and abduct
cheerleaders for ritual sacrifice. Really I didn't!
>She walks up to me and rests her head on my chest.
>"I want to atone for what I did," she whispers, "will you forgive me?"
Mike: Lemme think about it....uhhh....NO!
>~ERIC! THE KNIFE!~
>I feel the knife slip into my body without resistance and Carla give the handle a good
>upwards push. I stagger away and pull the knife out of my stomach quickly. As the
>gutwound heals, I squeeze two shots out of the gun.
>The crow and I watch Carla fall backwards, two smoking holes where her eyes once
>were.
Tomservo: Well, they say the eyes are the windows to the soul.
Crow: Yep. And now all Carla has are two great big holes.
*They look at each other and shrug*
>~That was a bit too close Eric~
>"Why do you say that?"
>~People believe that the crow is the soul's power source... You kill the crow and you
>can kill the person again~
>"Yeah... so? You weren't anywhere near harm."
>~I know, but what you don't understand is that Heather is your power source. If you ever
>have a change of heart about why you came back, you become mortal until you refocus
>on your mission~
Crow: And this is the part of the story we call "We're Making Up the Rules as We Go
Along".
>"So I can't think of anything else except Heather and our baby, right?"
>~Exactamundo~
>"No problem with that," I comment, "they're all I thought about when I was alive."
Tomservo: When he was alive? What's he talking about?
Crow: Yeah all we've heard about since the prologue was the chick and that kid.
>I get up and start walking away from the carnage I created.
Crow: Clean up this mess!!!!!
Tomservo: Aw , Moooooom. I wanna play Atari.
>A sense of peace momentarily washes over me as I hop the fence and
Mike: .....bust open my chin on one of the chain links.
>start walking down the street, the crow once again perched on my shoulder.
Crow: CAW
Mike: Oh not this again.
>As I'm walking, the peaceful feeling grows within me more and more until I can't help
>but stop and look around at where I am.
>~How sweet. A bunch of people with candles all standing together to light someone on
>fire~
>I look at the bird and shake my head, "They ain't gonna set anyone on fire, smartass. It's
>a candlelight vigil. Churches do it to honor people that died. Sometimes."
>~Then why is there a man standing on a platform with his arms held out?~
Crow: He's doing a reenactment of the crucifixion for Unsolved Mysteries!
>"He's a preacher. You never went to church, did you?"
>~Nope. I tended to stay away from organized religion. Gave me chillbumps~
Mike: Smart bird.
Crow: CAW!
>I start walking to the crowd of people holding the vigil. As I get closer, I can hear the
>preacher shouting out his sermon. I stand near the back, so nobody will notice me.
>~I wonder who the service is for?~
Mike: Oh, me too. If I thought this story were in any way predictable I would say it's for
your dead girlfriend.
Crow: As we know it isn't, though, we will no doubt be surprised by the outcome of
things.
>"Me too," I whisper, "maybe he'll say."
>"It's for a young lady that died a year ago," an elderly woman in front of me whispers.
>"It was very sad... her boyfriend thought she cheated on him and he just killed her."
>"You catch any names?" I ask. She shakes her head slowly. I turn my attention to the
>preacher giving the service.
>"... And my brethren, let us not remember the sorrowful times in this young woman's
>life," he said loudly, "let it not be recalled that she made a terrible mistake in the man
>she was with.
Tomservo: He seems a bit biased for a peacher.
>Let us remember the good times she had. The joy in her life. The joy she brought others
>by her selfless acts..."
Crow: Like the stripping she did for all of the town perverts at the Full Moon Lounge.
>~Must've been some woman~
>I nod slowly. My attention, however, isn't on the preacher's sermon, it is drawn solely to
>the preacher himself. He seems vaguely familiar to me, but I can't place it.
Tomservo: Gee, I wonder if he knows this guy from earlier in the story..
>"Let us have a minute of silence for the young woman that touched all our lives. Let us
>reflect on Heather Allen's life and how she lived it."
Mike: We'll all miss Palatka's little 'eskimo'.
>I stand silently as hundred of people bow their heads and close their eyes. I join them,
>and when my eyes close, all I can see is Heather standing in front of me, her hair
>flowing around her head like a halo.
Tomservo: But wait, that was just her in one of her stripper costumes.
>The minute passes by too fast for me, and the preacher starts speaking again.
>"I had the blessing to meet Heather during her time on Earth, and she seemed no less to
>me an angel, and there are hundreds of good things I could say about her. But,
Crow: Like most servants of the Lord I would like to focus on the bad.
>would any of you like to say words about her? You sir, in the back. With the bird. Can
>ya come up here please?"
Tomservo: Oh yes, it's always the town freak they invite onstage first at these things..
>The crowd parts for me to make my way up to the preacher. As I do, the feeling of
>peace starts to dissipate and a new feeling, rage, replaces it.
>I stand on the platform beside the preacher and look him in the eyes.
>~He's scared Eric~
>I know, I silently respond, it's because of my face.
Mike: Which, incidentally, has been scaring me through the whole story.
Tomservo: Sheesh, no kidding. Even before he put on the makeup.
>~No... there's another reason. I can't place it though. You'll have to~
>"Would you like to say your name, brother?" he asks.
>"Eric."
>("What'll you do if I don't pay you back? Go cryin to your fuckin cunt of a girlfriend?")
Crow; Oh YEAH! Just what this story needes! More flashbacks.
Tomservo: Or, in this case, a flashback OF a flashback.
>I look at him strangely, my head cocked like the bird's.
>"Would you like to talk about how Heather touched your
Mike: Watch it...Watch IT!
>life?"
>I nod.
>"Heather Allen... was in fact, an angel. She was the most beautiful woman that I had
>ever met.
Crow: Except for the checkout girl at Lucky's.
Tomservo: Oh....and the bank teller at First National..
Mike: Don't forget the waitress at Denny's...
>I loved her secretly, and openly. She brought joy to my life that I had never experienced.
Crow: Except alone, in my room with the JC Penney's catalog.
Tomservo: Crow, I am serious about my concern for you and this catalog fetish.
> She touched my heart, my soul, my mind.
Crow: My...DOH! Ouch....I was gonna say pec!
>She became my reason for existing. Until she was taken away."
>(Arthur's cousin, David, pulling a gun out and shooting Heather in the stomach)
Tomservo: Ah, look. It's another one of those charming stage directions in parentheses.
>"I tried to help her in her moment of need... but I couldn't."
>(Attacking Arthur and David in a blind fury)
All Three: SIIIIIIIIIIGH
>"I lost the things that I valued most when some inhuman MONSTERS came after me
>for money."
>I know him, I tell the crow in my thoughts.
>~Then reveal him~
Mike: No, please! There are ladies present!
>I turned on the preacher.
>"YOU WERE THERE!" I hollered.
Crow: Oh! More hollerin'!
>"YOU KILLED HER!"
>He looks at me in shock as a gasp rushes through the crowd.
>"Arthur Russel Parrot,"
Tomservo: Rather unfortunate name.
Mike: Yep.
Crow: Do we really need another reference to a bird in here?
> I growl,
Tomservo: This guy does more growling than a German Shepherd.
>"you have been charged with three counts of murder in the first degree... how do you
>plead?"
>"I-I don't know what you're talking about, friend," the preacher stammers, "my name is
>Reverend Alan Russel."
Crow: Dooooon't play coy with me, buddy boy."
>"You can change your name, Arthur," I whisper, "but you can't change the past." I hold
>my hand out to him.
>"If you don't believe me... take my hand."
Tomservo: *singing* I wanna hold your haaand. I wanna hold your hand.
>He grabs ahold of my hand and I pull him close to me.
Crow: *swaying and singing* And when I touch you I feel happy insiiiide..
>I wrap my free hand over his face and watch with him as his act of violence is replayed
>for us alone.
>When the memories fade, I push him away and pop my neck loose.
Crow: Momma had a baby and it's head popped off.
Tomservo: And at last, the stranger's terrible secret is revelaed! He's a Ken doll!
>"GET HELP!" someone shouts from the crowd. "HE'S GOING TO KILL THE
>REVEREND!" The audience scatters like sand in the wind.
Mike: Original analogy.
>Only one person is still there.
>"How do you plead Arthur? Guilty? Or not guilty?"
>He pulls a .38 pistol from beneath his shirt and points it at me.
>"NOT! FUCKING! GUILTY!" he screams,
Crow: Okay, thinking he didn't understand the 'try not to look conspicuous speech' his
lawyer must have given him.
Tomservo: Betcha Johnny Cochran will be able to get him off.
>emphasising each word with a bullet. I watch the holes close up and look at him.
>"Bad move," I say, striking at him like a viper. In one motion, I knock the gun from his
>hand and wrap my arm around his neck.
Crow & Tomservo: *singing* It's such a feeling that, my love, I CAN'T HIDE! I CAN'T
HIDE! I CAN'T HIIIIIIDE!
>Slowly, I walk to the edge of the platform and stand there, my feet barely finding grip.
>"You are found guilty in the murders of Eric Price, Heather Allen, and their unborn
>child," I decree, "the penalty is death by broken neck.
Crow: Who died and made him Boss?
Tomservo: I believe he did.
Crow: Oh. Yeah.
>Sentence to be carried out immediately. Any last words?"
>A few choked gasps come from Arthur's mouth.
>"Watch that first step to hell, Arthur... It's a long fall."
Mike: Oooohhh....threatening!
>I walk off the platform, my arm still around his neck.
Crow: I think in a strange and totally disgusting way, he kind of likes the guy.
Tomservo: Yeah. He's always touching him in some way.
>He falls forward and my weight snaps his neck immediately. I give him a few extra
>jerks just to make sure.
>"I did it... I don't fucking believe I did it..."
>~Good job son. Good job~
>I let go of Arthur and his head falls forward bonelessly.
Crow: When did they take the bones out? Man this sucks! I want Carla back. Carla was sexy.
Tomservo: But she was evil!
Crow: I don't care.
Mike: She was evil and totally one dimensional.
Crow: DO NOT talk bad about Carla!
>I look at the one person still standing at the platform. I recognise him as Heather's
>father.
Mike: Also known as George Wendt, also known as Norm from Cheers.
>~Come on son... Time to go~
>"I have to do something first," I whisper to myself and the crow. I walk closer to
>Heather's father and look at him.
>"I know you never liked me, Mr. Allen,"I whisper, "and I know that I can't change that. I
>just want you to know that losing someone you love is the hardest thing to deal with, I
>know that personally. And I want to tell you I loved Heather more than anything in the
>world. And that I want you to forgive me."
>"Forgive you?" Gary says, on the verge of tears, "what for?"
Crow: Oh no...more sniveling!
>"For not being able to save your daughter's life..."
>I drop to my knees and stay there, looking up at Gary. A tear rolls out of each of his
>eyes.
>"I forgive you, Eric. Now, get up, you have somewhere to go."
Mike: Oh yeah! Back to K-Mart to see if I can exchange this shirt! YIPPEE!
>~He's right. The Big Light don't wait forever~
Crow: Whoa. Philisophical.
Tomservo: He puts Keanu Reeves to shame.
Mike: *bad english accent* "Why do they fill these boxes with earth...."
>I get up and walk away from him. As I do, a bright light opens up in the night sky and
>stretches to the ground. Inside the light, I can see someone waving for me.
>"ERIC!" she shouts. "C'MON!"
Crow: I'm done trying on and now I'm ready to pay for my ten thousand new outfits!
>I smile and head towards Heather as the crow flies beside me. Halfway through the
>light, the bird is engulfed in an even brighter light. When the light fades, a tall young
>man is standing beside me. He is dressed in a tight black shirt and leather pants. And his
>blonde streaked hair falls to the right.
Mike: Starring Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Blackbird.
>There are remnants of a slash scar on his throat.
>"Like I said Eric," he whispers, "the light don't wait forever."
All Three: *sniffs*
Crow: Oh gee, is that all?!
(They get up to leave)
Tomservo: I think there's a sequel.
Mike: We should have Pearl send it to us.
Crow and Tomservo: NO NNNNNO.
Crow: That's okay...really Mike.
THE END (Thank God)
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