AN: IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED, STOP READING NOW! IF YOU'RE OFFENDED BY THE IDEA OF CARTOON CHARACTERS IN ADULT SITUATIONS, STOP READING NOW! IF YOU'RE OFFENDED BY STERN WARNINGS IN ALL-CAPS I'll switch to italics. As the title implies, most of these are going to be wrong. Some of them are going to be super-wrong. And there are a few that truly give definition to the word WRONGSICK. Like 99 BONMOTS OF KIM ON THE WALL and the 12 ANGRY KIMS segment of EVEN ODDER, this is a collection of uber-short stories written with the very tight restriction that everything HAS to be told in a maximum of two sets of sentences, each set being a line of dialog and a line of descriptive text. For some reason, I tend to go a bit twisted when working in that format. Okay, maybe I just tend to write a lot of stuff like that anyway. That said, I DO take care to toe the line at the upper edge of the M rating here, though there may be some nose-bumping on the wall (and there might be slightly worse versions of some of these over at the Haven where I usually trot them out for tweaking first. ;) )
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ON BEYOND WRONGSICK
Truly twisted ticklers for the Kim-o-phile on the Run
by SHADO COMMANDER
Chapter One – Bad To The Bonnie
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1
"YES… YES… AUUUGH!" Bonnie Rockwaller screamed in pure bliss before passing out in total sexual satisfaction after, at long last, FINALLY finding someone who could outlast her in the sack.
"Damn, I thought she was never going to finish," the last man standing groaned as he collapsed, joining Bonnie and the other 67 spent and exhausted naked Wegos in the huge sweaty pile.
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2
"I can't believe you snuck this into my contract and I can't believe I didn't notice it!" Shego growled in disgust as she lay naked on the table, covered in oil.
"Who wants medium rare?" Drakken yelled to the line of eager Henchmen assembled for the annual Henchmen Appreciation Picnic as he scooped the latest set of sizzling hamburger patties off Shego's bare stomach, thereby saving a fortune on charcoal briquettes.
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3
Looking up with her wide almond eyes, Yori paused for just a moment. "Truthfully, Ron-san, I have heard of the 'French Kiss' of course, but this 'American Kiss' is something of which I have not heard… but as you are leaving Yamanouchi to return to your own school, it is my wish for you to teach me so that I may send you off in the manner in which you are accustomed."
"It will be my honor," Ron sighed in pleasure as Yori unzipped his zipper and 'kissed' away… though he did suspect that the usual 'strange American sense of humor' excuse probably wasn't going to quite cut it once she eventually figured things out.
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4
"Yeah, I used to be into the villainy thing but I found that this was MUCH more profitable," Camille Leon smiled as she escorted a pleased Shego to the door…
Opening the entrance to let the green woman out of her bedroom/office and looking at the long line of eager customers waiting for her… Drakken, Duff Killigan, Dementor, Monkey Fist, Jack Hench, even Frugal Lucre and Nanny Nane… Camille didn't bother to leave her 'Kim' form, because that was what they were all here for, and yelled "Who gets to do me next, please and thank you?"
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5
"And then Cherise told Carmen that Bob had been seeing another woman who she'd met at the office, so Cherise hired a friend of Jim's to follow Bob, but it turned out that he and Bob were actually gay lovers and the two of them were involved in a plot to con Cherise out of her family fortune…" Big Daddy Brotherson took a deep breath, his voice almost worn raw from the constant talking.
But… DNAmy's cable had gone out for a week and she was paying good money for a full synopsis of ALL of her favorite shows, including As The Worm Squirms, so he continued. "Meanwhile, Mary and Janice had gone to Vegas, where they ran into Rodrigo…"
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6
Yori's physical strain was obvious from the tension in her voice and the erratic nature of her breathing. "Truly… I… urf… do not see… how this will be… a… a… practical skill… for a ninja such as I to have."
"Trust me Yori, if you can master this ability, you will be surprised to find how both men and women will willingly do whatever you ask," Sensei huffed, attempting to disguise the motions going on within his own kimono as he watched the nimble young girl actually succeed in licking her own womanhood.
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7
"Oh, THAT," Kim grinned, as she dropped to the floor in a headstand and pulled off her own shorts and panties using only her own toes, then impossibly bent in on herself like a folding chair so that her back was on the floor as she ran her own long pink tongue in a slow dancing erotic motion around her other set of lips in a way that proved beyond doubt that she could go far deeper if she so chose.
"No wonder you're always so goddamn perky," Shego gasped in admiration, accepting for once and all time that Kim really could do anything… even herself.
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8
"Oh my gosh, it's tingling, it's tingling!" the young Shego groaned as she thrashed back and forth in pleasure at the completely unexpected sensation.
"Ef you think that vas stimulating, you're in for a shock when I really turn up ze juice," Electronique zinged as she turned up the power on her vibrating strap on to 'lethal' and moved in for the kill.
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9
Josh Mankey came to the front entrance irritably, his 'boys in tight speedos' magazine still curled in one hand as he swung open the door and greeted the scowling blond standing there with an even scowlier expression. "Sorry lady, I'm not buying anything and I don't want to hear about your personal preference in religious deities."
Ignoring his every word, Justine Flanner simply pushed him aside as she stepped in the door and began removing her clothes. "Look, I don't like this either Mankey, and for the record I'm even less interested in what's between your legs than you are in what's between mine, but there's some weird Kim Possible fan creating a 'JoJu Lemon' fanfic about us and the sooner we get this exchange of bodily fluids over with, the sooner we can go back home and try and forget about all the disgusting things we're about to do with each other's repugnant genitalia."
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10
"What, haven't you ever heard of 'Friends with Benefits,' KP?" Ron demanded.
"I don't think it's supposed to cross species lines," Kim gasped, her mind unable to grasp the concept of the back half of Rufus sticking out of Ron's rear end.
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11
"You… YOU'RE Electronique's new partner?" Kim gasped in shock as her new opponent finally unveiled her self.
"Hey, I've always been a bit of a bad girl, she's one of the few villains in this whole universe with any fashion sense and our names rhyme… I'd call that kismet, and you are SOL girlfriend," Monique grinned as she unloaded 16,000 volts from her Mo-Voltage-Electro-Cannon into Kim's gut.
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12
"Do you think anyone will ever figure out that we reverse engineered these things?" Jim Possible wondered rhetorically.
"Not as long as we keep remembering to tell Sis here to forget everything once we're done with her," Tim replied, tapping the mind control chip on Kim's forehead as he took one end and Jim took his turn on the other.
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13
Kim's gaze could barely meet Monique's in the eye, but she had to tell her friend eventually. "Well, we were investigating this scummy movie studio, but the thing is, everyone thought because of our names that we were… and I guess they ARE kind of…"
"And we figured, y'know, we're young and starting out and could use a little cash so…" Ron blushed as he pulled out a copy of their first film as porn stars… WHAT THE NAKED MOLERAT SAW.
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14
Tara's voice was uneven but that had a lot more to do with the alcohol that reeked on her breath than the fact that she'd been pulled over for driving wildly erratically down the sidewalks of Middleton Avenue. "That's right, the LAST officer said I had to take a special breathalyzer test to make sure I really wasn't drunk, and then he pulled down his zipper and told me I might have to do it for a while but after a bit he said it was okay and that I obviously wasn't drunk and could go on home so I don't understand why you're pulling me over now!"
Officer Hobbie looked from driver's license in his hand to the blonde and ditzy teenager's face and wondered how much liquor she'd consumed at the frat party they'd been pulling kids over from all night, that she'd actually bought that lame story. "Oh, I'm sorry miss, but it turned out that there was an error in the readings on his unit, so if you don't mind, you'll have to take that test again… hold on while I unzip my… er… breathalyzer."
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15
Mr. Paisley looked at Kim nervously as she read his lawyer's legal analysis. "So as you can see, after you did such a wonderful job saving me from the McHenry laser grid, I went back and read your site carefully, and once I did..."
"Yeah, I guess you're right sir, it does say that," Kim Possible sighed, dropping to her knees in front of the man's waiting zipper since, after all, saying that she could do anything DID technically include 'anyone,' and how hard could this throating thing actually be anyway?
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16
"Whoa, Kim, calm down… what do you mean 'you'll kill them?'" Ron asked in a panic, unable to understand how his girlfriend could have gone from intense passion to furious anger in the course of a few seconds.
"I just figured out what the Tweebs have been using for the froth on their new Mad Dog costumes," Kim snarled, holding up her diaphragm and an empty can of contraceptive foam.
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17
"You want me to tell you where WHAT is?" Big Daddy Brotherson stared at the person in front of him in shock.
The blonde youth shrugged his shoulders and pulled out some extremely intimate photos that had obviously been taken while the subject was asleep. "Like I said, I've been trying and trying to find Kim's G-spot, and I've finally admitted that I need outside help."
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18
Shego, speaking for herself, Camille Leon, Adrena Lynn and Electronique, narrowed her eyes at the new applicant. "Okay, the Seniors vouching for you is good, but if you want to join the League of Evil Hotties, Rockwaller, you've got to show us proof of something REALLY evil that you've done."
Bonnie Rockwaller smiled and laid out the evidence that would soon earn her a standing ovation… "As it happens, I was aware of a molecular bonding agent developed by Dementor, and I was able to convince him to make a new 'Bondo-ball' in the exact shape of Kim Possible's favorite vibrator…"
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19
"OMG Kim, what happened to you?" Monique gasped as Kim walked into Club Banana wearing nothing but two post-it notes on her nipples and a 5X7 index card held over her frontal naughty region with several strips of clear scotch tape.
"Fricking animator went home for the day before he drew my clothes on," Kim grumbled, picking up a T shirt and a pair of shorts and hoping she had enough credit to cover underwear as well.
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20
With the graduation beach party left behind them, Ron and Kim steered the flying car to Hotel Sordid with the express intent of finally ridding themselves of their Disney mandated virginity… but once they were actually there and Ron was getting undressed in the bathroom, he had a sudden horrifying attack of nerves about his ability to perform up to the expectations of the girl who could do anything. "Hey Kim… um… what if I don't know what to do?"
When Kim only responded with a giggle, Ron got up his courage and stepped back into the hotel bedroom proper… only to find that the huge bed had been sprinkled with tortilla chips, in the center of which was a naked and grinning Miss Possible covered from head to toe with a coating of liquid cheese. "Don't worry Ron, just do what comes naturally and remember what you're supposed to do with anything that looks like a Naco."
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Ye Old Legal stuff: Kim Possible, Shego, Bonnie Rockwaller, the Wegos, Ron Stoppable, Rufus, Yori, Master Sensei, Electronique, Dr. Drakken, Camille Leon, Duff Killigan, Professor Dementor, Monkey Fist, Jack Hench, Frugal Lucre, Nanny Nane, DNAmy, Big Daddy Brotherson, Josh Mankey, Justine Flanner, Mr. Paisley, Jim and Tim Possible, Monique, Tara, Officer Hobbie, Adrena Lynn, the Seniors and all other characters borrowed from the wonderful KP Universe are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context may be considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18…