First she fell in love with hi smile, then with his laugh, then with the things she didn't think anyone could or should love at all. The way he clenched his jaw when he argued, and the way he turned away from a fight. How he believed everyone was worth saving but believed in her no matter the odds.
She had that feeling like when you get to the end of a good book. You can feel the pages shifting between your fingers as the ending starts to get near. You want to read slower and faster all at once, you never want it to end, but want it to be on your terms when it does. She wishes she has the strength to put the book down, not to turn that final page and read that last line.
Now she is starting a new book, somewhere between California and Indiana. Wyatt watches as she fiddles with the radio that hasn't worked since he got the car a year ago. She wants to believe he is quiet because she wishes him to be, but she can see the pain on his face, and she knows it's the pain of someone who has no words left to say. And they are similar in their quest for answers, they have a need, but neither know the right questions to ask. She wonders if he will drop her off somewhere between here and where he is meant to go. As much as she wants to stay with at least a part of this person she has become she knows goodbyes are suppose too last forever.
It's another day of landscapes that past two quickly for her to see, and memories she refuses to make. He watches her as she watches the fields and trees pass them by. Then again isn't it them that are going too fast, that are passing things by? She wishes he would keep his eyes on the road and she wishes cars didn't remind her of when her life turned to this confusing muddle of things she never thought she would have to see. Sometimes the silence is so unbearable she could swear she could hear her ribs shifting against every breath. Then her voice scares her into pulling her knees to her chest and she has to brush the tears from her eyes.
"I kissed Brandon." She refuses to watch the emotion play out on his face. She can hear his sharp inhale of breath. And she hates herself for being selfish, he didn't need to know and she knew all this time that it would only hurt. But he deserved something didn't he?
"Is he that bad of a kisser?" He laughs and she both wants to hug him and wants to jump out of this car, because he isn't supposed to make this easier. Not for her, not this time. She shakes her head as the tears come to her eyes. "Callie?" He says this softer and she can almost block out the sound of his voice against the wind that is now blowing in her eyes and through her hair.
"No. It was good." She looks at him now, and is surprised to see his eyes on the road, hands at ten and two. Somehow this gives her courage to go on. "Jude doesn't deserve this." She says it even as she sees his right hand move to touch her leg. She shifts, moving her leg out of arm length. He looks hurt but doesn't comment.
"Cal, what about what you deserve?" She shakes her head. It has never factored in. It's something she learned from her mother, something that even now she holds still to.
"Don't call me that." She is surprised by the venom in her own voice, and wishes she could explain why it hurts so much, why she lashes out when she wants to curl up.
"He is going to miss you." She appreciates he doesn't seem to be making her go back, but she wishes he would fight her, cut her so she might stop hurting them both.
"He will be safe. For the first time in over ten years he will be safe. That is all I ever wanted. I have failed at keeping him safe so many times before, I'm not going to take him away from that now." She hates herself for every time she held onto him, and she was weak for making them stand side by side wasn't she? Maybe he could have been adopted, and never known the abuse they shared.
Wyatt just watched as she curled into herself, and he was the one to reach for the radio this time. He busied himself with watching the road as he tried to tune out her silence.
It's a gas station halfway between somewhere she should have never been and the only place she has belonged when he calls her home. She is finally wiping away days' worth of tears and exhaustion when she hears him on his cell phone. She can almost hear Brandon on the other side and she turns out the back door when it's his turn for the bathroom. She is glad they are now in St. Louis. There are buildings to hide behind, and she is long gone before he has the chance to realize she is gone.