Disney World with the Dark Lord
I'm not selling this. I know it doesn't belong to me. But I am allowed to share. Enjoy and review.
Voldemort wanted to go on a vacation. On one seemingly random Thursday afternoon, at approximately three twenty-seven, the Dark Lord sashayed over to his minion, the artist formerly known as Wormtail, and said, "Wormy, we really don't get out much."
"What, the weekly muggle murders not enough for you? Or how about the evil plots we pull over at Hogwarts? Are those losing their excitement?" Wormtail replied, with a chuckle. He had a bad sense of humor.
Voldemort smacked him with his wand. "You fool," he began, "I mean.when's the last time we went on holiday?"
"What does it matter.?"
"I want to go on a vacation!"
"Where?"
"Oh, I don't know.be a dear and call our travel agent? You know, sometimes they have those all-inclusive specials in nice places. see if you can get us something in, oh I don't know.America!" With that, Voldemort winked at Wormtail and skipped out of the room.
Under his breath, Wormtail muttered, "Who the hell wants to go to America?"
*** The next day, Wormtail approached Voldemort, who was busy steaming lobsters. Wormtail's hands were filled with brochures, and as soon as Voldie laid eyes on them, he shrieked in joy, "Oh my gawd, Wormy, you're, like, the best minion EVER!"
The Dark Lord grabbed the travel brochures and flipped through them quickly, muttering, "No, too hot. No, too cold. No, Hicksville. No, too many skater boys. A-ha! YES, YES, YES. By golly, Wormtail, I've got it!"
"Solved a great mystery, my Lord?" Wormtail's bad sense of humor had returned.
"Ha ha," Voldemort spat. "I've decided on where we're going."
"."
"Wormtail, we're going to New York."
"."
"No, I'm just kidding. But did you catch my Frank Zappa reference?"
"Rest in peace, Frank." Wormtail knew his great musicians. "So where are we going, my Lord?"
"DISNEY WORLD!"
Upon hearing the words, Wormtail fainted as Voldemort squealed in delight, "Oh my gawd, Wormy, I'll be in my room. packing!"
*** And so, after a few days of packing (Voldemort) and attempted suicide (Wormtail), the happy pals were ready to go.
"Wormtail, I'm ready to go."
Oh joy, thought his minion.
The two set off towards a wizarding airport in London (Why the wizard folk had an airport when Apparating seemed much more logical is beyond me). They boarded Wamerican Flight 9 ¾ and the adventure began.
".And the emergency exits are located anywhere you can blow a hole through. Thank you for choosing Wamerican Airlines Flight 9 ¾. And now a quick word from our sponsors."
As the flight attendant finished her customary instructional safety procedure, the annoyance of Wormtail began.
"So," Voldemort started, "do you think that if I wear my super cool Death Eater mask it'll make me look too much like a tourist? Because you know how the locals never take tourists seriously. Remember that time in Paris? Oh my gawd, Wormy, the French are, like, so stuck up sometimes. Wait am I part French? You know I just might be. Look at my name-Vohl-duh-mohrt-euh- how French is that?"
"Well, my Lord, any name you pronounce with a French accent is going to sound French. And Voldemort isn't even your real name."
The Dark Lord apparently hadn't heard this, as he continued, "Not that it matters though, what with pureblood being the only important thing. Wait, am I pureblood?"
Wormtail anxiously rubbed his wrist with a plastic butter knife. Alas, his attempts proved fruitless. "Why me?" he moaned to himself.
".Have you ever met someone who doesn't like a good wedding cake? Oh, at Lucius's wedding they had this fabulous layered cake that was, like, literally a mile high. Of course, that was pretty impressive even if we do have magic. Aren't we lucky to have magic? Imagine we were muggles? OH MY GAWD, Wormy, I have the best idea!" Voldemort nearly wet himself with excitement.
"What is your idea, my Lord?" Wormtail nonchalantly questioned.
"I dare us to go this whole week without using any magic! Let's start now!" At that precise moment, Voldemort conjured up himself some more pumpkin juice.
Wormtail smacked his forehead. Why did the Dark Lord have to be so dense when he wasn't occupied with dominating the world?
This was going to be the longest week ever.
*** Upon arriving in Florida, Voldemort and Wormtail fetched their luggage from baggage claim ("Of course our bags come out last! That's what you get for checking in first!"), and then proceeded to hop into a taxi and sail on down to a Best Western Inn.
When they arrived, Wormtail took care of checking in while Voldemort took a look around. He quickly noticed the amount of muggles, and fought the urge to kill them all.
As Wormtail joined Voldemort by the pool, Voldemort began to complain. And they'd only been there fifteen minutes. "But Wormy, they're so muggle and I totally hate muggles! Get them away, get them away!"
"I am sorry, my Lord, but there is nothing I can do. These people paid the same price as us and deserve the same accommodations."
"Ha ha, I bet they didn't get the Evil Wizard's special." Voldemort pointed a mocking finger at the muggles and exclaimed triumphantly, "I BET YOU ALL DIDN'T GET THE EVIL WIZARD'S SPECIAL! HA HA HA! I ONLY PAID ONE HUNDRED NINTY-NINE AMERICAN DOLLARS A NIGHT PLUS TAX! HOW ABOUT YOU?"
Most of the people ignored the Dark Lord, figuring he was just some random lunatic. However, a small girl, probably around six, walked up to Voldemort and tugged at his robes. "Hi, my name is Suzy. My parents only paid thirty dollars a night." She smiled brightly up at him and jumped in the pool, splattering his robes in chlorine (and who knows what else) filled water.
Voldemort, in his calmest voice, said, "Wormtail. Are these lies? Did you get us the best deal?"
"W-w-well, my Lord." The old Wormtail charm was returning. "I-I-I did the b- b-best I could."
"Then why is that little muggle staying here for a lot less than us?"
"I.I.Oh, I know!" Suddenly the old Wormtail charm had disappeared. "I bet that her price doesn't include airfare. You know, these days it's mainly the airfare you've got to worry about. And ours is covered!"
Voldemort considered this for a moment, smiled, and said, "Let's go unpack."
*** The room was a disaster, a total, complete disaster. As Voldemort sat in a corner, rocking back and forth, muttering nonsense ("Just a room. No big deal. Can move. Can kill Wormtail. Yes, kill Wormtail."), Wormtail attempted to console him.
"Well, you know, it's not that bad," he said, scooping up some cockroaches and tossing them out the window. "So, there are some bugs. and the TV doesn't work-" Voldemort glared "-we can always watch reruns of Friends back home! And so what we only have cold water in the bathroom, you are practically a snake!" He began smoothing over the sheets, but quickly pulled his hands away. "And so what if, uh, the bedding isn't completely sanitary, we can always buy new-"
"No, no, no!" Voldemort interjected. "We CAN NOT buy new sheets. We have a budget, Wormtail. Or have you forgotten what a budget is?" At this point, the Dark Lord stood up and began to assist Wormtail in the murder of cockroaches. He picked up a rather large roach and waved it in Wormtail's face. "A BUDGET is where you can only spend a certain amount of money, and only on the necessary items!"
Wormtail grabbed said roach and tossed it out the window. Some voices rang up into their room.
"Ahhh! Mommy, a bug just fell in my hair!"
"Oh, hush it now, Suzy, you have to learn to stop telling lies!"
"B-b-but, Mommy, I swear-"
"Oh, there's gonna be a whippin' tonight!"
Voldemort and Wormtail, hotel room dilemmas forgotten, doubled over in raucous laughter.
"Wormy-" Gasp. "Did you-" Gasp. "Hear-" Gasp. "That girl?"
"Yes-ha ha ha! Revenge on Suzy, Miss Thirty-Dollars-A-Night. Psh."
"Maybe this vacation won't be so bad!" Voldemort tossed another roach out the window, listened eagerly for a moment, and then sighed. "Oh well, we have a whole week for this."
"Um, my Lord, what about Disney World?"
"Oh yes. Let's go!"
Suddenly a bus playing the theme song from Laverne and Shirley drove by. It was most definitely a Kodak moment. If only Wormtail had remembered the camera.
*** The first thing the Dark Lord and his minion had to do was buy a camera. This did not please Voldemort, not one bit. The cheap toss-away cameras were, well, cheap.
"Wormtail, I swear if it's the last thing I do, I am going to kill you," said the Dark Lord, as he grabbed a waterproof camera off a rack. "Oh, but since we're here, get me some sun lotion. I don't want my nose to get burnt."
"Ah, my Lord. Your nose. well. as far as noses go-"
"Peter Wormtail Pettigrew. Just get the sun lotion! It's all I ask of you!"
"Yes, sir," Wormtail muttered, walking to the back of the store.
*** After buying said supplies, Voldemort and Wormtail stood before the gates of Disney World in a picturesque sort of way; proud and triumphant.
"Get out of the road!" someone screamed.
"You're gonna get yourselves killed!" another person chimed in.
"Aye, you lazy bastards, MOVE!" said a rather unpleasant man.
"Gosh, Wormy, the people here are so nice!"
"Yes.nice." Wormtail agreed, punching his fist into his opened palm. "Let's just go."
"Ok! We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!"
"What the hell are you talking about, my Lord?"
"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" With that, Voldemort ran towards Cinderella's Castle, exclaiming, "Just like Hogwarts!"
Wormtail fetched the plastic knife from his pocket and proceeded to slash bitterly at his wrists.
*** When they arrived at the entrance to buy tickets, Voldemort was flabbergasted at the sight of the hour-long lines. "Wormtail! What is this madness?"
"My Lord, these are lines of people waiting to by tickets."
Voldemort shot an extremely evil look at his minion, and then at the people. "Uhg, screw living like muggles for a week. Avada Kedavra!"
A muggle man wearing a Mickey Mouse hat dropped instantly to the ground. People gasped, took pictures, and then proceeded to purchase tickets. A big executive business-looking man approached Voldemort and Wormtail and announced, "Sirs, please follow me."
Wormtail was a bit worried, but Voldemort was just glad to walk into the park past all the waiting people. He made this obvious by announcing, "Ha ha, maybe if you become a Death Eater people will treat you with this respect.sign ups for our American division will be held at the Best Western Inn at seven thirty this evening. See you there!"
And so, Voldemort, Wormtail, and the big executive walked through the park and into a secret underground tunnel that led into a secret underground room which led into a secret underground office. The executive sat down at his secret underground desk and said, "Please, have a seat."
Voldemort and Wormtail filled the empty chairs on the other side of the desk. Voldemort stuck his hand out. "My name is Voldemort, but you can call me Voldy, and this is Wormtail, lovingly known as Wormy." Wormtail shuddered in disgust.
"I know who you are," announced the executive. "I am Walt Disney."
"Impossible! Walt Disney is dead!" declared Wormtail.
"That's what you think, Wormy," Walt told him. "Actually, I've just been pretending to be Walt's grandson or something all these years. No one seems to notice I'm actually him."
"But, Walt," Voldemort began, "how have you stayed alive so long?"
"With the Sorcerer's Stone, of course."
Wormtail and Voldemort gasped.
"Yes, this may or may not surprise you, but I am a dark wizard."
Wormtail gasped. Voldemort cheered, "Hurrah! I always wondered if the rumors were true, and now I know! Walt, ol' buddy, ol' pal, will I be seeing you at the Death Eater's of America sign ups tonight?"
"Certainly! That is precisely why I called you down here. Now that I'm going to become your minion, I just wanted to let you know that you can do whatever you wish here in the park. You want to kill a muggle? Go for it! My theme park is your theme park! Mi casa et su casa.or whatever. Well, I have to get back to the lab, see you tonight!" With that, Walt Disney Disapparated and Voldemort and Wormtail found themselves inside a rather dingy public restroom.
"Wow!" Wormtail squealed. "I never thought I'd actually meet the master behind the magic!"
"I know, I know!" Voldemort agreed, opening the restroom door. He walked out and the door slammed in Wormtail's face ("Ahrrg!").
Voldemort rubbed his hands together. "So, Wormy, where to.Wormy? Wormy?" He turned around and opened the door. Wormtail stood on the other side, fuming, with a huge red bump on his forehead. "Oops," Voldemort giggled out.
Wormtail rubbed his forehead and sighed. "Oh, I don't know, my Lord. How about that It's A Small World ride?"
"Righty-o!" Voldemort yelled.
The two walked off towards the attraction, occasionally blasting muggles out of their path.
*** "Why, God, why? What have I done in my life to deserve that. that.that.Why?" Wormtail was trying to shake It's A Small World out of his system.
"It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all; it's a small, small world. La la la di di da da." Voldemort had absolutely loved the song.
"My Lord, please, I think we need to stop for some refreshment after that.that.thing. Oh Walt, how could you put anyone through that?"
Walt Disney suddenly appeared, and in a deep voice, announced, "Because I can! Muahahaha!"
Voldemort, annoyed by his cockiness, shot an Avada Kedavra at him, but his aim was a bit off (due to the singing) and Walt disappeared before a second attempt could be fired.
"I don't know if I want to let him in Death Eaters of America," Voldemort said.
"I don't know if I want to let him live," Wormtail spat.
The Dark Lord and his now overly suicidal minion slinked off in the direction of the food court.
*** "What the hell is this crap?" Voldemort demanded of the cashier.
"Sir, it's pizza."
"I don't care what you want to call it, it's foul and disgusting and I WANT MY MONEY BACK!"
"But sir, you haven't even tried it-"
"I don't have to try it to know it's the most disgusting 'food' I've ever laid eyes on. Full refund-now!"
"I'm sorry, sir, but there are no refunds at the food court-"
"That's it. I've had it with your smart mouth-Avada Kedavra!"
Another cashier cautiously walked over and said, "Erm, e-e-excuse me, b-b- but I'll give you your refund."
"Screw it, now I'm too hungry to care."
The cashier let out a sigh of relief, and then fainted.
Voldemort trudged over to Wormtail, who was happily munching on his chicken caesar salad.
"Wormtail, what do you call this?"
Through mouthfuls of salad, Wormtail managed to get out, "Pizza, my Lord."
"Yeah, that's what the cashier told me." The Dark Lord sighed and took a bite. "Eh, not bad. Seems almost a pity I had to kill that innocent muggle cashier-NOT!"
Wormtail choked out a laugh as Voldemort stuffed the slice of pizza down his throat.
"Wormy, hurry up and finish. This food lacks flavor. We need to find ourselves a good English pub 'round here somewhere. Fish and chips, mmm."
Wormtail swallowed the last bit of his salad and said, "My Lord, I'm rather full. How about a roller coaster?"
"Are you sure that's a good idea, Wormy? Remember that time at Six Flags after you ate the hot dog and then-" Voldemort mock-vomited all over the table.
"My Lord, I am perfectly fine." He gritted his teeth. "Let's-go-on-a-roller coaster. Now."
"Alright, alright I was just saying."
"NOW!"
"Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the airplane seat."
*** As sure as the sky is blue, after a starry adventure on Space Mountain, Wormtail successfully vomited on every person he passed for about a half an hour. Voldemort sympathetically patted his back muttering, "There, there. Just get it all out. There you go-all over the muggles."
After a bit of a rest on a bench, Voldemort noticed someone with a shirt reading "Tower of Terror."
"Oh, Wormy, that looks like fun! Come on, let's go there!"
They set off in search of the ride, and found it rather quickly. Perhaps they found it so easily because the ride has to do with evil and it drew them towards it like a magnet. Or perhaps they found it so easily because the bench they'd been resting it was right across from the actual ride. We may never know. What we do know, however, is that Voldemort had the time of his life.
After waiting on another excruciatingly long line and killing a few tourists, Voldemort and Wormtail stepped into the elevator contraption. Wormtail sat in the first row, with Voldemort behind him. This gave the Dark Lord an excellent view.
When they got off the ride, Voldemort began to laugh insanely. "Your hair! When we went down, it flew straight up! Ha ha ha! I've never seen anything funnier! And you screamed like a girl!"
"No, that was you, my Lord."
"Shut up. But still-your hair! You should have seen it! Ha ha ha! Oh my, my, my. I love Disney World! Let's go on the Indiana Jones ride!"
"Oh yippee."
*** When they arrived at the Indiana Jones Super Duper Adventure ride (or whatever they call it), Voldemort gasped and began to cry. The line was two hours long! "Wormy, this isn't fair! I want to go on NOW!"
"My Lord, we'll just have to wait our turn. Don't worry, we'll be on sooner than you can say, 'Indiana Jones!'"
"'Indiana Jones.' Erm, Wormtail, we're still at the end of the line. This sucks. This sucks, sucks, su-OH MY GAWD, WORMTAIL, THOSE PEOPLE JUST CUT US!"
And sure enough, four rowdy American teenagers had just waddled on over in front of them. Voldemort tapped one of the guys and said, "Excuse me, but we were here first."
The stud muffin cracked up laughing and called to his friends, "Yo, dude, check out this nut case. Get away from us you little old man."
His girlfriend squealed, "Ew, you're, like, so ugly."
The other two teens just laughed obnoxiously.
"Ew, you're, like, so going to die and burn in hell! Avada Kedavra."
"And that's the end of that chapter," Wormtail said, smiling at the limp bodies.
*** After the excitement of the Indiana Jones ride had worn off, Voldemort began to act antsy.
"Wormy."
"What?" Wormtail snapped.
"I'm tired. I'm hungry. My feet hurt. I wanna go home."
"How can you be hungry-YOU'RE EATING COTTON CANDY! Listen, Voldemort, I did not come here just to take orders from you, follow you around, and laugh at your jokes."
"."
"Ok, so maybe that's part of it. But I did not spend all of our life savings on this trip just to hear you complain! We are here in Disney World. We are where the magic happens. We are in the place that brought us our favorite movies-can anyone say 'Finding Nemo'? We are here and WE ARE GOING TO ENJOY IT."
"Sorry, Wormy." Voldemort immediately put on his "puppy dog that's been kicked around the block one too many times" face.
"Oh for Merlin's sake, you know I can't take it when you look at me like that.Let's go to the Haunted Mansion."
"Ok!"
*** "Voldemort, you can not send mountain trolls loose in theme park attractions."
Yes, it was true. At the end of the rather disappointing attraction, Voldemort and Wormtail sat staring, with very bored expressions, at the animated ghosts displayed in their car. Voldemort, tired of these cheap thrills had, indeed, conjured himself up a mountain troll.
"Well, I'm sor-ry, but that haunted house schtick needed a little something extra. It had no oomph, no pizzazz, no spunk."
"What the hell are you a tourist or the director of a Broadway musical?"
Voldemort glared at his minion, but noticed something just behind Wormtail. "OH MY GAWD. WORMY! Look at that!"
Wormtail slowly turned to see what Voldemort was screeching about. "Pirates of the Caribbean?"
"Oh my gawd, Wormy, what if-what if-what if he's there?"
"Who?"
"JOHNNY DEPP!"
"Oh." Wormtail appeared saddened by this.
"Why, Wormtail, you appear saddened by this. Whatever is the matter?"
"Well, my Lord, it's just.I thought you were going to say Orlando Bloom."
*** "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me! Hey, Wormy, wasn't it a good idea to have conjured me up some rum? I'm such a pirate!"
"Yes, my Lord, you certainly are."
They were on a boat sailing through the ride, Voldemort quite obviously enjoying the ride; he laughed along with animatronic pirates and cheered for the flames and cannonballs.
"A pirate's life for me! Oh! A pirate's life for it's a small world after all, it's a small, small world! Ha ha, Wormy I'm so drunk I'm mixing up songs!"
Wormtail groaned.
"Hey, Wormy, how 'bout we rescue Elizabeth?"
"Eliza-who?"
"ELIZABETH SWANN! KEIRA KNIGHTLEY! Captain Barbossa's got her, and we need to save her before he tosses her into these here icy depths." Voldemort flicked some water at Wormtail to show him just how icy the depths really were.
"Let's get back to the hotel so I can sober you up a bit."
"Aye, aye captain!"
*** After Voldemort regained normal functioning, the Death Eaters of America convention began and was a hit. The entire population of Florida was present, and practically half of them figured out how to sign up!
"Wow," Voldemort said, after the last person had gone, "that was awesome, dude."
"Totally," Wormtail agreed. "But what ever happened to Walt? Did you see him?"
Suddenly, Walt Disney Apparated into the room. "Sorry, boys, but I'm going to have to cancel this little show."
Voldemort and Wormtail exclaimed, "."
"Well, America's already got it's fair share of evil groups. The KKK; PETA.just to name a few. I'm going to have to kick you out of America and never let you come back. Those who signed up for your group will be notified by e-mail of Death Eaters of America's failure. I'm truly sorry about this, perhaps when I open a Disney World in London you can start your little club over there."
"We already have Death Eaters in Europe," Voldemort explained.
"Well then, sucks for you!" Walt laughed.
Voldemort was taken aback, "But wait, Walt, this is.this is so sudden! I thought you wanted to join us! I thought you wanted to be my evil minion!"
Walt Disney pondered this for a moment. "Well, Voldy, I got myself thinking today. I admire your work, don't get me wrong, but I'm the evil wizard of America. It's me, me, me. I can't just let you take that all away! Well, off with your heads. I'm kidding. Just go back to Europe and stay there. We'll get together sometime, I promise! Maybe we can have a big evil convention.or something. Maybe.not! Ha ha! Suckers!" With that, Walt Disney disappeared from the room.
Voldemort sighed sadly, picked up a cockroach, and hurled it out the window. He waited a moment. "Nothing, not a single scream. Oh, Wormy, let's just put this whole trip behind us and go home."
"Sure, my Lord. But you have to admit, we have some fantastic stories to tell Lucius, Bella, and all the others back home!"
"We sure do, Wormy, we sure do."
"They're going to be SO jealous."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"Wormy?"
"Yes?"
"Shut up."
"I love you, too, Voldy." Sarcasm dripped from Wormtail's mouth.
Voldemort chose to break the awkward silence. ".Wormtail?"
"Yes, love?"
"Are we going to get our money back from this trip. I mean, we were really only here one day. and we didn't eat any meals at the hotel. shouldn't we get some sort of refund?"
"I suppose."
"Oh, Wormy. You're so amazing. Will you.marry me?"
"Huh?"
"Will-you-marry-me?"
"I don't swing that way."
"Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top?"
"Yes, my Lord."
"Ha ha, I was kidding. But now that I think about it."
After some more failed butter knife suicide attempts by Wormtail, the new couple cuddled for a while, went back to Europe, bragged about their adventures in Disney World, and lived happily ever after.
Then End. Or is it?
I'm not selling this. I know it doesn't belong to me. But I am allowed to share. Enjoy and review.
Voldemort wanted to go on a vacation. On one seemingly random Thursday afternoon, at approximately three twenty-seven, the Dark Lord sashayed over to his minion, the artist formerly known as Wormtail, and said, "Wormy, we really don't get out much."
"What, the weekly muggle murders not enough for you? Or how about the evil plots we pull over at Hogwarts? Are those losing their excitement?" Wormtail replied, with a chuckle. He had a bad sense of humor.
Voldemort smacked him with his wand. "You fool," he began, "I mean.when's the last time we went on holiday?"
"What does it matter.?"
"I want to go on a vacation!"
"Where?"
"Oh, I don't know.be a dear and call our travel agent? You know, sometimes they have those all-inclusive specials in nice places. see if you can get us something in, oh I don't know.America!" With that, Voldemort winked at Wormtail and skipped out of the room.
Under his breath, Wormtail muttered, "Who the hell wants to go to America?"
*** The next day, Wormtail approached Voldemort, who was busy steaming lobsters. Wormtail's hands were filled with brochures, and as soon as Voldie laid eyes on them, he shrieked in joy, "Oh my gawd, Wormy, you're, like, the best minion EVER!"
The Dark Lord grabbed the travel brochures and flipped through them quickly, muttering, "No, too hot. No, too cold. No, Hicksville. No, too many skater boys. A-ha! YES, YES, YES. By golly, Wormtail, I've got it!"
"Solved a great mystery, my Lord?" Wormtail's bad sense of humor had returned.
"Ha ha," Voldemort spat. "I've decided on where we're going."
"."
"Wormtail, we're going to New York."
"."
"No, I'm just kidding. But did you catch my Frank Zappa reference?"
"Rest in peace, Frank." Wormtail knew his great musicians. "So where are we going, my Lord?"
"DISNEY WORLD!"
Upon hearing the words, Wormtail fainted as Voldemort squealed in delight, "Oh my gawd, Wormy, I'll be in my room. packing!"
*** And so, after a few days of packing (Voldemort) and attempted suicide (Wormtail), the happy pals were ready to go.
"Wormtail, I'm ready to go."
Oh joy, thought his minion.
The two set off towards a wizarding airport in London (Why the wizard folk had an airport when Apparating seemed much more logical is beyond me). They boarded Wamerican Flight 9 ¾ and the adventure began.
".And the emergency exits are located anywhere you can blow a hole through. Thank you for choosing Wamerican Airlines Flight 9 ¾. And now a quick word from our sponsors."
As the flight attendant finished her customary instructional safety procedure, the annoyance of Wormtail began.
"So," Voldemort started, "do you think that if I wear my super cool Death Eater mask it'll make me look too much like a tourist? Because you know how the locals never take tourists seriously. Remember that time in Paris? Oh my gawd, Wormy, the French are, like, so stuck up sometimes. Wait am I part French? You know I just might be. Look at my name-Vohl-duh-mohrt-euh- how French is that?"
"Well, my Lord, any name you pronounce with a French accent is going to sound French. And Voldemort isn't even your real name."
The Dark Lord apparently hadn't heard this, as he continued, "Not that it matters though, what with pureblood being the only important thing. Wait, am I pureblood?"
Wormtail anxiously rubbed his wrist with a plastic butter knife. Alas, his attempts proved fruitless. "Why me?" he moaned to himself.
".Have you ever met someone who doesn't like a good wedding cake? Oh, at Lucius's wedding they had this fabulous layered cake that was, like, literally a mile high. Of course, that was pretty impressive even if we do have magic. Aren't we lucky to have magic? Imagine we were muggles? OH MY GAWD, Wormy, I have the best idea!" Voldemort nearly wet himself with excitement.
"What is your idea, my Lord?" Wormtail nonchalantly questioned.
"I dare us to go this whole week without using any magic! Let's start now!" At that precise moment, Voldemort conjured up himself some more pumpkin juice.
Wormtail smacked his forehead. Why did the Dark Lord have to be so dense when he wasn't occupied with dominating the world?
This was going to be the longest week ever.
*** Upon arriving in Florida, Voldemort and Wormtail fetched their luggage from baggage claim ("Of course our bags come out last! That's what you get for checking in first!"), and then proceeded to hop into a taxi and sail on down to a Best Western Inn.
When they arrived, Wormtail took care of checking in while Voldemort took a look around. He quickly noticed the amount of muggles, and fought the urge to kill them all.
As Wormtail joined Voldemort by the pool, Voldemort began to complain. And they'd only been there fifteen minutes. "But Wormy, they're so muggle and I totally hate muggles! Get them away, get them away!"
"I am sorry, my Lord, but there is nothing I can do. These people paid the same price as us and deserve the same accommodations."
"Ha ha, I bet they didn't get the Evil Wizard's special." Voldemort pointed a mocking finger at the muggles and exclaimed triumphantly, "I BET YOU ALL DIDN'T GET THE EVIL WIZARD'S SPECIAL! HA HA HA! I ONLY PAID ONE HUNDRED NINTY-NINE AMERICAN DOLLARS A NIGHT PLUS TAX! HOW ABOUT YOU?"
Most of the people ignored the Dark Lord, figuring he was just some random lunatic. However, a small girl, probably around six, walked up to Voldemort and tugged at his robes. "Hi, my name is Suzy. My parents only paid thirty dollars a night." She smiled brightly up at him and jumped in the pool, splattering his robes in chlorine (and who knows what else) filled water.
Voldemort, in his calmest voice, said, "Wormtail. Are these lies? Did you get us the best deal?"
"W-w-well, my Lord." The old Wormtail charm was returning. "I-I-I did the b- b-best I could."
"Then why is that little muggle staying here for a lot less than us?"
"I.I.Oh, I know!" Suddenly the old Wormtail charm had disappeared. "I bet that her price doesn't include airfare. You know, these days it's mainly the airfare you've got to worry about. And ours is covered!"
Voldemort considered this for a moment, smiled, and said, "Let's go unpack."
*** The room was a disaster, a total, complete disaster. As Voldemort sat in a corner, rocking back and forth, muttering nonsense ("Just a room. No big deal. Can move. Can kill Wormtail. Yes, kill Wormtail."), Wormtail attempted to console him.
"Well, you know, it's not that bad," he said, scooping up some cockroaches and tossing them out the window. "So, there are some bugs. and the TV doesn't work-" Voldemort glared "-we can always watch reruns of Friends back home! And so what we only have cold water in the bathroom, you are practically a snake!" He began smoothing over the sheets, but quickly pulled his hands away. "And so what if, uh, the bedding isn't completely sanitary, we can always buy new-"
"No, no, no!" Voldemort interjected. "We CAN NOT buy new sheets. We have a budget, Wormtail. Or have you forgotten what a budget is?" At this point, the Dark Lord stood up and began to assist Wormtail in the murder of cockroaches. He picked up a rather large roach and waved it in Wormtail's face. "A BUDGET is where you can only spend a certain amount of money, and only on the necessary items!"
Wormtail grabbed said roach and tossed it out the window. Some voices rang up into their room.
"Ahhh! Mommy, a bug just fell in my hair!"
"Oh, hush it now, Suzy, you have to learn to stop telling lies!"
"B-b-but, Mommy, I swear-"
"Oh, there's gonna be a whippin' tonight!"
Voldemort and Wormtail, hotel room dilemmas forgotten, doubled over in raucous laughter.
"Wormy-" Gasp. "Did you-" Gasp. "Hear-" Gasp. "That girl?"
"Yes-ha ha ha! Revenge on Suzy, Miss Thirty-Dollars-A-Night. Psh."
"Maybe this vacation won't be so bad!" Voldemort tossed another roach out the window, listened eagerly for a moment, and then sighed. "Oh well, we have a whole week for this."
"Um, my Lord, what about Disney World?"
"Oh yes. Let's go!"
Suddenly a bus playing the theme song from Laverne and Shirley drove by. It was most definitely a Kodak moment. If only Wormtail had remembered the camera.
*** The first thing the Dark Lord and his minion had to do was buy a camera. This did not please Voldemort, not one bit. The cheap toss-away cameras were, well, cheap.
"Wormtail, I swear if it's the last thing I do, I am going to kill you," said the Dark Lord, as he grabbed a waterproof camera off a rack. "Oh, but since we're here, get me some sun lotion. I don't want my nose to get burnt."
"Ah, my Lord. Your nose. well. as far as noses go-"
"Peter Wormtail Pettigrew. Just get the sun lotion! It's all I ask of you!"
"Yes, sir," Wormtail muttered, walking to the back of the store.
*** After buying said supplies, Voldemort and Wormtail stood before the gates of Disney World in a picturesque sort of way; proud and triumphant.
"Get out of the road!" someone screamed.
"You're gonna get yourselves killed!" another person chimed in.
"Aye, you lazy bastards, MOVE!" said a rather unpleasant man.
"Gosh, Wormy, the people here are so nice!"
"Yes.nice." Wormtail agreed, punching his fist into his opened palm. "Let's just go."
"Ok! We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!"
"What the hell are you talking about, my Lord?"
"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" With that, Voldemort ran towards Cinderella's Castle, exclaiming, "Just like Hogwarts!"
Wormtail fetched the plastic knife from his pocket and proceeded to slash bitterly at his wrists.
*** When they arrived at the entrance to buy tickets, Voldemort was flabbergasted at the sight of the hour-long lines. "Wormtail! What is this madness?"
"My Lord, these are lines of people waiting to by tickets."
Voldemort shot an extremely evil look at his minion, and then at the people. "Uhg, screw living like muggles for a week. Avada Kedavra!"
A muggle man wearing a Mickey Mouse hat dropped instantly to the ground. People gasped, took pictures, and then proceeded to purchase tickets. A big executive business-looking man approached Voldemort and Wormtail and announced, "Sirs, please follow me."
Wormtail was a bit worried, but Voldemort was just glad to walk into the park past all the waiting people. He made this obvious by announcing, "Ha ha, maybe if you become a Death Eater people will treat you with this respect.sign ups for our American division will be held at the Best Western Inn at seven thirty this evening. See you there!"
And so, Voldemort, Wormtail, and the big executive walked through the park and into a secret underground tunnel that led into a secret underground room which led into a secret underground office. The executive sat down at his secret underground desk and said, "Please, have a seat."
Voldemort and Wormtail filled the empty chairs on the other side of the desk. Voldemort stuck his hand out. "My name is Voldemort, but you can call me Voldy, and this is Wormtail, lovingly known as Wormy." Wormtail shuddered in disgust.
"I know who you are," announced the executive. "I am Walt Disney."
"Impossible! Walt Disney is dead!" declared Wormtail.
"That's what you think, Wormy," Walt told him. "Actually, I've just been pretending to be Walt's grandson or something all these years. No one seems to notice I'm actually him."
"But, Walt," Voldemort began, "how have you stayed alive so long?"
"With the Sorcerer's Stone, of course."
Wormtail and Voldemort gasped.
"Yes, this may or may not surprise you, but I am a dark wizard."
Wormtail gasped. Voldemort cheered, "Hurrah! I always wondered if the rumors were true, and now I know! Walt, ol' buddy, ol' pal, will I be seeing you at the Death Eater's of America sign ups tonight?"
"Certainly! That is precisely why I called you down here. Now that I'm going to become your minion, I just wanted to let you know that you can do whatever you wish here in the park. You want to kill a muggle? Go for it! My theme park is your theme park! Mi casa et su casa.or whatever. Well, I have to get back to the lab, see you tonight!" With that, Walt Disney Disapparated and Voldemort and Wormtail found themselves inside a rather dingy public restroom.
"Wow!" Wormtail squealed. "I never thought I'd actually meet the master behind the magic!"
"I know, I know!" Voldemort agreed, opening the restroom door. He walked out and the door slammed in Wormtail's face ("Ahrrg!").
Voldemort rubbed his hands together. "So, Wormy, where to.Wormy? Wormy?" He turned around and opened the door. Wormtail stood on the other side, fuming, with a huge red bump on his forehead. "Oops," Voldemort giggled out.
Wormtail rubbed his forehead and sighed. "Oh, I don't know, my Lord. How about that It's A Small World ride?"
"Righty-o!" Voldemort yelled.
The two walked off towards the attraction, occasionally blasting muggles out of their path.
*** "Why, God, why? What have I done in my life to deserve that. that.that.Why?" Wormtail was trying to shake It's A Small World out of his system.
"It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all; it's a small, small world. La la la di di da da." Voldemort had absolutely loved the song.
"My Lord, please, I think we need to stop for some refreshment after that.that.thing. Oh Walt, how could you put anyone through that?"
Walt Disney suddenly appeared, and in a deep voice, announced, "Because I can! Muahahaha!"
Voldemort, annoyed by his cockiness, shot an Avada Kedavra at him, but his aim was a bit off (due to the singing) and Walt disappeared before a second attempt could be fired.
"I don't know if I want to let him in Death Eaters of America," Voldemort said.
"I don't know if I want to let him live," Wormtail spat.
The Dark Lord and his now overly suicidal minion slinked off in the direction of the food court.
*** "What the hell is this crap?" Voldemort demanded of the cashier.
"Sir, it's pizza."
"I don't care what you want to call it, it's foul and disgusting and I WANT MY MONEY BACK!"
"But sir, you haven't even tried it-"
"I don't have to try it to know it's the most disgusting 'food' I've ever laid eyes on. Full refund-now!"
"I'm sorry, sir, but there are no refunds at the food court-"
"That's it. I've had it with your smart mouth-Avada Kedavra!"
Another cashier cautiously walked over and said, "Erm, e-e-excuse me, b-b- but I'll give you your refund."
"Screw it, now I'm too hungry to care."
The cashier let out a sigh of relief, and then fainted.
Voldemort trudged over to Wormtail, who was happily munching on his chicken caesar salad.
"Wormtail, what do you call this?"
Through mouthfuls of salad, Wormtail managed to get out, "Pizza, my Lord."
"Yeah, that's what the cashier told me." The Dark Lord sighed and took a bite. "Eh, not bad. Seems almost a pity I had to kill that innocent muggle cashier-NOT!"
Wormtail choked out a laugh as Voldemort stuffed the slice of pizza down his throat.
"Wormy, hurry up and finish. This food lacks flavor. We need to find ourselves a good English pub 'round here somewhere. Fish and chips, mmm."
Wormtail swallowed the last bit of his salad and said, "My Lord, I'm rather full. How about a roller coaster?"
"Are you sure that's a good idea, Wormy? Remember that time at Six Flags after you ate the hot dog and then-" Voldemort mock-vomited all over the table.
"My Lord, I am perfectly fine." He gritted his teeth. "Let's-go-on-a-roller coaster. Now."
"Alright, alright I was just saying."
"NOW!"
"Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the airplane seat."
*** As sure as the sky is blue, after a starry adventure on Space Mountain, Wormtail successfully vomited on every person he passed for about a half an hour. Voldemort sympathetically patted his back muttering, "There, there. Just get it all out. There you go-all over the muggles."
After a bit of a rest on a bench, Voldemort noticed someone with a shirt reading "Tower of Terror."
"Oh, Wormy, that looks like fun! Come on, let's go there!"
They set off in search of the ride, and found it rather quickly. Perhaps they found it so easily because the ride has to do with evil and it drew them towards it like a magnet. Or perhaps they found it so easily because the bench they'd been resting it was right across from the actual ride. We may never know. What we do know, however, is that Voldemort had the time of his life.
After waiting on another excruciatingly long line and killing a few tourists, Voldemort and Wormtail stepped into the elevator contraption. Wormtail sat in the first row, with Voldemort behind him. This gave the Dark Lord an excellent view.
When they got off the ride, Voldemort began to laugh insanely. "Your hair! When we went down, it flew straight up! Ha ha ha! I've never seen anything funnier! And you screamed like a girl!"
"No, that was you, my Lord."
"Shut up. But still-your hair! You should have seen it! Ha ha ha! Oh my, my, my. I love Disney World! Let's go on the Indiana Jones ride!"
"Oh yippee."
*** When they arrived at the Indiana Jones Super Duper Adventure ride (or whatever they call it), Voldemort gasped and began to cry. The line was two hours long! "Wormy, this isn't fair! I want to go on NOW!"
"My Lord, we'll just have to wait our turn. Don't worry, we'll be on sooner than you can say, 'Indiana Jones!'"
"'Indiana Jones.' Erm, Wormtail, we're still at the end of the line. This sucks. This sucks, sucks, su-OH MY GAWD, WORMTAIL, THOSE PEOPLE JUST CUT US!"
And sure enough, four rowdy American teenagers had just waddled on over in front of them. Voldemort tapped one of the guys and said, "Excuse me, but we were here first."
The stud muffin cracked up laughing and called to his friends, "Yo, dude, check out this nut case. Get away from us you little old man."
His girlfriend squealed, "Ew, you're, like, so ugly."
The other two teens just laughed obnoxiously.
"Ew, you're, like, so going to die and burn in hell! Avada Kedavra."
"And that's the end of that chapter," Wormtail said, smiling at the limp bodies.
*** After the excitement of the Indiana Jones ride had worn off, Voldemort began to act antsy.
"Wormy."
"What?" Wormtail snapped.
"I'm tired. I'm hungry. My feet hurt. I wanna go home."
"How can you be hungry-YOU'RE EATING COTTON CANDY! Listen, Voldemort, I did not come here just to take orders from you, follow you around, and laugh at your jokes."
"."
"Ok, so maybe that's part of it. But I did not spend all of our life savings on this trip just to hear you complain! We are here in Disney World. We are where the magic happens. We are in the place that brought us our favorite movies-can anyone say 'Finding Nemo'? We are here and WE ARE GOING TO ENJOY IT."
"Sorry, Wormy." Voldemort immediately put on his "puppy dog that's been kicked around the block one too many times" face.
"Oh for Merlin's sake, you know I can't take it when you look at me like that.Let's go to the Haunted Mansion."
"Ok!"
*** "Voldemort, you can not send mountain trolls loose in theme park attractions."
Yes, it was true. At the end of the rather disappointing attraction, Voldemort and Wormtail sat staring, with very bored expressions, at the animated ghosts displayed in their car. Voldemort, tired of these cheap thrills had, indeed, conjured himself up a mountain troll.
"Well, I'm sor-ry, but that haunted house schtick needed a little something extra. It had no oomph, no pizzazz, no spunk."
"What the hell are you a tourist or the director of a Broadway musical?"
Voldemort glared at his minion, but noticed something just behind Wormtail. "OH MY GAWD. WORMY! Look at that!"
Wormtail slowly turned to see what Voldemort was screeching about. "Pirates of the Caribbean?"
"Oh my gawd, Wormy, what if-what if-what if he's there?"
"Who?"
"JOHNNY DEPP!"
"Oh." Wormtail appeared saddened by this.
"Why, Wormtail, you appear saddened by this. Whatever is the matter?"
"Well, my Lord, it's just.I thought you were going to say Orlando Bloom."
*** "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me! Hey, Wormy, wasn't it a good idea to have conjured me up some rum? I'm such a pirate!"
"Yes, my Lord, you certainly are."
They were on a boat sailing through the ride, Voldemort quite obviously enjoying the ride; he laughed along with animatronic pirates and cheered for the flames and cannonballs.
"A pirate's life for me! Oh! A pirate's life for it's a small world after all, it's a small, small world! Ha ha, Wormy I'm so drunk I'm mixing up songs!"
Wormtail groaned.
"Hey, Wormy, how 'bout we rescue Elizabeth?"
"Eliza-who?"
"ELIZABETH SWANN! KEIRA KNIGHTLEY! Captain Barbossa's got her, and we need to save her before he tosses her into these here icy depths." Voldemort flicked some water at Wormtail to show him just how icy the depths really were.
"Let's get back to the hotel so I can sober you up a bit."
"Aye, aye captain!"
*** After Voldemort regained normal functioning, the Death Eaters of America convention began and was a hit. The entire population of Florida was present, and practically half of them figured out how to sign up!
"Wow," Voldemort said, after the last person had gone, "that was awesome, dude."
"Totally," Wormtail agreed. "But what ever happened to Walt? Did you see him?"
Suddenly, Walt Disney Apparated into the room. "Sorry, boys, but I'm going to have to cancel this little show."
Voldemort and Wormtail exclaimed, "."
"Well, America's already got it's fair share of evil groups. The KKK; PETA.just to name a few. I'm going to have to kick you out of America and never let you come back. Those who signed up for your group will be notified by e-mail of Death Eaters of America's failure. I'm truly sorry about this, perhaps when I open a Disney World in London you can start your little club over there."
"We already have Death Eaters in Europe," Voldemort explained.
"Well then, sucks for you!" Walt laughed.
Voldemort was taken aback, "But wait, Walt, this is.this is so sudden! I thought you wanted to join us! I thought you wanted to be my evil minion!"
Walt Disney pondered this for a moment. "Well, Voldy, I got myself thinking today. I admire your work, don't get me wrong, but I'm the evil wizard of America. It's me, me, me. I can't just let you take that all away! Well, off with your heads. I'm kidding. Just go back to Europe and stay there. We'll get together sometime, I promise! Maybe we can have a big evil convention.or something. Maybe.not! Ha ha! Suckers!" With that, Walt Disney disappeared from the room.
Voldemort sighed sadly, picked up a cockroach, and hurled it out the window. He waited a moment. "Nothing, not a single scream. Oh, Wormy, let's just put this whole trip behind us and go home."
"Sure, my Lord. But you have to admit, we have some fantastic stories to tell Lucius, Bella, and all the others back home!"
"We sure do, Wormy, we sure do."
"They're going to be SO jealous."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"Wormy?"
"Yes?"
"Shut up."
"I love you, too, Voldy." Sarcasm dripped from Wormtail's mouth.
Voldemort chose to break the awkward silence. ".Wormtail?"
"Yes, love?"
"Are we going to get our money back from this trip. I mean, we were really only here one day. and we didn't eat any meals at the hotel. shouldn't we get some sort of refund?"
"I suppose."
"Oh, Wormy. You're so amazing. Will you.marry me?"
"Huh?"
"Will-you-marry-me?"
"I don't swing that way."
"Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top?"
"Yes, my Lord."
"Ha ha, I was kidding. But now that I think about it."
After some more failed butter knife suicide attempts by Wormtail, the new couple cuddled for a while, went back to Europe, bragged about their adventures in Disney World, and lived happily ever after.
Then End. Or is it?