The EP Chapter 1, a big time rush fanfic

The EP - Big Time Rush Fanfic by fckyeahcc

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, the show or anything, nor is this based on any of the singers' real life. I am not responsible for you being disgusted with slash and/or homosexual pairings. Also, being a Japanese 1 student, I know absolutely nothing about Spanish. I am using Google Translate in order to write certain things that Carlos says in Spanish. Please forgive me for the inaccuracy and that fact there just happens to be Spanish in this fic. I insist, use a translator if you don't understand. If you don't want to, that's fine, and if that makes you miserable, well fine.

Summary: What happens when the moment you sleep with the wrong person, your world begins to fall apart? Jarlos, Kogan, Lomille, Kenjo, Kenlos, Jagan, Carlos-centric. Story inspired by "Doll of Fun" by ReadingAddictWeirdo and How To Love by Lil Wayne

Carlos/James, Carlos/Kendall, Kendall/Logan, Kendall/Jo, Camille/Logan, James/Logan, Carlos-centric

(Carlos' POV)

People always told me that things happen for a reason, right? That life just throws curve balls or that someone out there is making things happen, right? Well for the most part, I think this is one of those kinds of moments where "things just happen."

He had me against the wall. I couldn't breathe. I felt a shiver run rampant down my back, a small jolt tapping my tailbone as my face began reddening, I think. I wasn't sure. But all I knew was that this feeling was foreign. No, it actually, it felt wrong. It felt dangerous. This was not right at all. He kissed me. He just kissed me. Kendall Knight just kissed me right on the lips.

"K-Kendall." I squeaked.

He did not respond. His lips did. Kendall's lips pressed against mine, pressed hard, pressed with need. Soon his hands roughly found their way on my body, rushing all over my tummy, then my chest before falling and soon touching me under my shirt, fingers pinching in place I never even considered touching before. Kendall prodded me all over. This felt so surreal. I wanted to flee from this more than anything.

"Kendall, please stop."

"Carlos, I…I need you."

I refused to lift my head up and look him in the eyes. His eyes were grazing against me though. His breathing felt hitched, like he was exhausted, like he was running from something and I was the only thing that was helping him. I kept my head down, and I saw his left hand fumble with the button on my jeans. Then his other hand yanked my chin up. I saw his brown eyes, and everything came crashing down on me as they watered up.

Kendall needed me, whether I liked it or not.

He kissed me repeatedly, his hand sinfully sinking in my pants, feeling me, yet I could not fight this anymore.

I do not know my trip to the kitchen for orange juice somehow transformed into this.

Then his hand touched it, and immediately my breath was gone. My chest was aching immensely and I lost all my strength as I collapsed into his arms, which still held me rigidly. I could not remember what happened after-wards.

All I remember was falling.

Waking up, I felt someone's hand on my forehead. I kept my eyes shut. Please don't touch me, whoever you are.

"So exactly what happened?"

Suddenly, I knew exactly who was touching me. It was James. His hand went from my head to my hair, a finger twirling around in a comforting circle. I don't understand it. Out of all the times James has touched me, there was something about his hands that felt nice. Really nice, possibly surreal even. It was warm and sweet, like he was petting a kitten. I really liked kittens, and right now if I was a kitten, I'd be purring so much to his touch.

"He was walking to the kitchen and just when I saw him, he passed out. He seemed a little sickly. It seemed like he had an asthma attack again." Kendall said distressingly.

Without realizing it, my fist clenched the blanket that was covering me and I held my breath for a second. Footsteps were heard and then the door shut, but James was still here with me.

I opened my eyes. I was in my room that I shared with James, and it was dim, the light not too bright. The blanket felt a little itchy. James immediately shot his hand away from me, and he looked concerned. I blushed a bit. When James showed concern (which was rare) he had a very noticeable way of showing it.

"Hey buddy, you alright?"

Shaking my head, I sat up, and he scooted next to me, his arm looping around my shoulder. That sweet spark zapped through me again. Only James could do that. I nuzzled into the crook of his neck, the scent of body wash apparent.

Sometimes, being around James like this scare me. These small feelings don't feel normal at all. Shouldn't I be feeling these things with a girl? Come to think of it, I haven't felt anything for girls in a while actually. Despite all the girls, old or new, who are here at Palm Woods, not one of them caught my attention at all.

James began tapping his finger against my shoulders to a steady beat. My train of thought ended and all I could do was focus on the beat of his fingers. He tapped with a staccato rhythm, and soon, it was accompanied by his humming, which was all too sweet.

Those feelings kept coming.

Sometimes, I liked it when I didn't have to explain myself. With Logan or Kendall, there's always an explanation to how I'm feeling, but when I'm with James, the minute I say I don't wanna talk about it, he just accepts it and just stays with me.

I like it when he stays with me. Sometimes, I just need him to be there.

He touched me gently, and before I knew it, we were laying down again. Normal people maybe think this is uncomfortable but then again, I don't think James and I are normal people. Just being in his arms that tapped a rhythm only he knew felt good. And then, I fell asleep.

(James' POV)

Carlos lay against my chest, a content sigh escaping his sleepy mouth. I smiled at the little snort he made.

I wonder if he ever knew it, but things have changed since that day. Before we became super stars in L.A., it happened during the summer back in Minnesota. Logan and Kendall were helping Mrs. Knight with errands so Carlos and I decided to go to a local pool since it was well, hot, to go swimming.

What I didn't count on was watching Carlos wearing these alligator swim trunks that were a bit too tight.

What I didn't count on was watching Carlos dive right into the pool, water splashing all over me the minute we opened the pool gate.

What I didn't count on was watching Carlos strut ruthlessly though unknowingly towards me, his smile dazzled with sexiness.

What I didn't count on was my crotch throb erratically, my heart fluttering manically and my mind shutting down.

What I didn't count on was that I wanted him all for myself.

What I didn't count on was that that was the very moment I started seeing him less and less as a friend and more and more as a potential lover.

What I didn't count on was falling in love with my best friend.

Don't get me wrong; I've dated a lot of girls. If anything, I am what every standard boy band usually has; their significant face. Carlos is the only exception. I'll still look at girls and find them beautiful and pretty and whatever words you can describe their curves and their voluptuous body, yet Carlos is different. It's like looking at a child and a man simultaneously. He has the childish charm, yet…being around him, all I want is for him to touch me so sinfully. To be honest, I want Carlos Garcia to pin me down, nipping me with his sweet mouth as he jabbed inside of me over and over. Yeah, I James Diamond would rather have Carlos Garcia take me down over any girl. Does that make me a bad person? To be in love with him? Or to be in love with him because of lust? All I want is for him to want me, yet…I also just want him to love me like I do for him. Of course in life, that is too much to ask. So instead of acting out long ago before Big Time Rush, I just dated girls. Flirted everywhere I went, practically fell in love with a mermaid and got a kick out of kissing Camille. But those feelings never left.

I kissed his forehead before shutting the lights off.

Sometimes, I just wish we could pretend.

(Carlos' POV)

"Why did you do it?" I asked.

It sounded a little rude, the way I questioned Kendall, but I had a right to the answer. We just finished recording our new song "Blow Your Speakers". I yanked Kendall out into the hallway while James and Logan were arguing with Gustavo who seemed to be as equally annoyed as they were. I think they were arguing at the song choices we've made for the EP Griffin wants us to do since our fans want more emotional and acoustic like songs instead of the studio based songs Gustavo's always recording. Kelly just stood there, too tired to do anything about it this time.

Kendall at first shrugged, glaring at me because I wouldn't let go of his sleeve (which was part of a really nice shirt). I wouldn't let up.

"Jo."

"What about her?"

"She broke up with me."

Stopping in my tracks, I didn't ask anymore, but instead hugged him. His touch this time was genuine, lonely even. I heard a small sob being muffled against my shoulder and I held him even tighter.

"This still doesn't justify making me pass out."

"I'm sorry."

Once more, his hands began feeling me up curiously. Touching my shoulder blades to my spine, I felt the urge to push away but I could not. A part of me did not want him to be shoved away. It feels odd, how out of nowhere, Kendall decided all he wanted to do was kiss and holds and touches me. I mean it does feel nice…but it does not feel like him. Like the Kendall I knew. His hands were everywhere, and my mind was slowly fading away.

Soon his lips found their way on me again, and my face tinted a malicious red as I gasped in the pleasure of his kiss. We twirled around and I was now against the wall in the hallway, his tongue now poking mine. It felt so weird, like eating a bunch of wet gummy worms covered in syrup - sticky yet sweet. With every parting, his taste soon began enrapturing (one of Logan's fancy words) my head; even his saliva was so good. My lips quivered and I quietly moaned sweetly into his mouth. I hated it, but soon, I began whimpering, wanting more oomph in his pecks. I was so hypnotized by his touch that we failed to see Logan step out of the recording room, his face plastered in shock as he stared at us.

Kendall had let go of me and I stared at the two of them, the silence making me squirm.

Someone…

Say something…

Anytime now…

"So ummm…how about that weather?" Logan said shyly before skipping back into the recording room. Way to be, Kendall.

I feel a little embarrassed that I'm a bit innocent. I mean, for instance, when it comes to girls, the furthest I have gone is pecks on the cheeks and holding hands and eating pudding together.

And then there's Kendall.

His room was positively bright, and his door was locked. His long fingers gripped anxiously on my hair, holding me in place as he stared intently in my eyes. I looked back. All they kept yelling was loneliness. His eyes began watering up. I didn't want him to cry again.

Please don't…

I pecked him. He kissed back. I shivered. He bit my bottom lip and I opened my mouth more. My arms wrapped around his neck and I twitched as his tongue danced with mine.

He was hard down there.

I had no idea why, but I'm hard too, and it hurts slightly. His palm felt me there and I yelped, thrusting my crotch into his touch. All the kisses kept leaving butterflies swarming inside of me and I couldn't help but long for his touch. And then out of nowhere, I thought of James.

As Kendall slowly began undoing my pants, all that came rushing to my head were the thoughts of James. Did James do anything like this with the girls he flirted with? Was he ever curious about guys? Did he ever-

Oh dear god, Kendall grabbed my...well ummm (I know what it is, I'm just too embarrassed to actually say it) and I made a sharp gasp, my mind seeing stars with the small strokes he was making, his rough hands forcing me to arch my back. My head was spiraling and my face withering in pleasure and with every tug became more enticing than the last. I gripped Kendall's shoulders with a vice like strength, my body trembling at this feeling. I have never been touched there before. Kendall yanked all of what remained of my pants away and the wind hit me down there. Never has anyone touched me that way. It's odd though pleasant. I don't understand why, but a part of me wanted James to be feeling me, not Kendall. Something poked me there, that hole on my butt. I looked up to my blond friend, and both our faces went scarlet.

Kendall poked again, his fingers trying to get in. The more I mewled, the more he pushed, not only his fingers getting in but immediately hitting this bizarre area that made stars shoot before my eyes as I shrieked wantonly and with every push, the more I thought about James. He silenced me with another kiss. Without noticing it, soon another finger joined the first. Bucking my hips wildly, my eyes blurred in pleasure as one hand was on my (I don't even care anymore) dick and the other up my butt.

I didn't care.

It all felt dangerously good.

"So tight…"

"K-Kendall, something's h-happ-" my warning came too late.

Something unbelievable erupted in me, my nerves screaming excitedly and Kendall's touches became too much as all this pleasure shot right out my dick. A weird white substance coated my tummy and Kendall's hand. My whole body felt woozy and I reclined into the bed, face blushing and my blood rushing. He held his hand in front of my face, the white goo running down his palm. Bewildered, I licked it. Thick, bittersweet, lustful, I liked the hand clean, my tongue swathing away every bit that covered him.

Taking his hands away from me Kendall pointed to the door, his face stony and unemotional. Did I do something wrong? Within that moment, I could not recognize Kendall Knight. All I saw was a stranger with a cold expression. Checking if the coast was clear, I left Kendall, my throat tightening as I walked to the bathroom, my clothes clumped together in my shaking hands. I don't understand it, but I stepped in the shower, feeling dirty. As the hot water pelted me, I began crying.

(James' POV)

"I saw them kissing." Logan said calmly as he burst into my room.

"Who? Camille and that new actor from Miami?"

"Carlos and Kendall! They were kissing when I walked into the hallway after Gustavo blew up at us!"

For the first time in my life, I wanted to seriously kill Kendall with a heated passion. My eyes burned, for a minute I couldn't even see Logan as I watched Kendall violated my Carlos. I blinked again, and my angry haze ended as Logan was now holding me down by the shoulders.

"James, I need you to relax, please."

His words did not faze me. I just got up and went out of my room. I didn't say hi to Katie or Ms. Knight as I sprinted out of the apartment. I didn't know where I was going but I just ran towards the elevator and mashed buttons, just wanting out so desperately. My cheeks were radiating rage and my mind was hollow of clarity. My mind kept screaming why repeatedly and my eyes watered up, trying to piece everything together.

Losing track of time, the door opened and following that, I toppled over someone.

"Oh hi there James!"

It was Kelly.

The first time I have ever cried was at nine-years old, when my first pet, a goldfish names Hercules, died. I had him for a while actually, and the day I saw him float up, I was devastated. At first, I brushed it off and said I didn't care. Even my mother bought the act. But Carlos didn't. He wouldn't stop questioning me about it.

After a week passed, the doorbell rang and when I answered it, there stood Carlos, holding a small glass bowl with two goldfishes inside of it. He placed the bowl down before hugging me. I sobbed. I look back and I smile at the memory because ever since, Carlos was the only person I would show my weaknesses to and not feel any regret.

But this is something I cannot cry to him about.

Kelly saw that something was deeply bothering me, and without a word, she took me to her car. We drove around Los Angeles, passing various buildings and all I could do was vent and vent and tell my throat was aching to stop. Kelly has become the first person I've ever told about my feelings for Carlos and it hurts so damn much.

"So Carlos kissed Kendall?"

"Well yeah, Logan said so!"

"That's hard to argue since Logan is pretty truthful…well maybe you should talk to Carlos about it?"

We stopped at a red light and I gazed hard at her, trying to search her for more answers.

"But I…I just don't know."

Just then, Kelly's phone rang, and it surprised me that her ring tone was Boyfriend. We pulled into an empty parking lot near by the mall, which also surprised me because I did not know we were driving out that far. I heard Gustavo's somewhat irritated voice over the receiver and she handed me an apologetic look as I waited for her to finish. Kelly's brow furrowed with equal annoyance before hanging up with a burdened sigh.

"Kelly, I love Carlos. I can't just admit that and risk losing the one person who ever made a real difference in my life. What I'm even more afraid of though, is what if he loves Kendall? What if he wanted Kendall?"

"James, love is always about risks. That's how you find it. You're right; you might run into that risk. But think about it, would you rather risk losing him, or losing a chance at love? A single kiss doesn't determine everything; it just marks the beginnings of what could happen. You have a chance to change that. Now we gotta get going; Gustavo wants me to help pick songs for the EP."

I wanted to prove her so wrong.

If only she wasn't so right. No wonder Gustavo needs her. Soon we turned back, arriving at Palms Woods.

(Carlos' POV)

Thinking about it, I felt really, well, inexperienced. Thinking it through, I guess Kendall and I did something sexual. Sort of. Although school taught me Sex Ed, everything right now felt out of this world compared to what I was taught. Even in my own home before L.A., sex wasn't talked a lot. I mean sure, I didn't know a lot, but for the most part, I rationalized that that gooey stuff that got out of my dick was well…semen and that it was because of an (I can't believe I'm even thinking this) orgasm.

Furthermore, what Kendall did to me was unbelievably intimate; that it was something you should do to someone you love. I don't know. I don't know if he used me, or if he acted because he loved me. I don't know if his touch was good or not.

The hot water was all gone, and as I dressed, a knock came from the door.

"Dinner is ready Carlos!" Ms. Knight

Wearing a faint smile, I stepped out, my hands shaking a little. The warm aroma of cooked food, and I recognized the scent of dinosaur chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese. My smile creased even more so into a bigger one as I plopped down next to Logan at the table.

An awkward silence persisted, and Kendall, Logan and James looked at me, each sporting a red face. I knew why Kendall and Logan were blushing but James, I don't know.

"Oh my, are you boys getting sick? You all seem to have red cheeks!" Ms. Knight gushed as she shoveled food onto each of our plates. Katie looked at us before grunting and looking back at the TV.

"Everything's fine mom!" Kendall said as he munched on a nugget.

"Don't worry!" Logan and James said in unison.

I nodded my head in agreement before nibbling on my food.

Quiet. It was oddly quiet. Which wasn't right, and then suddenly I just realized how delicious the chicken nuggets were! Ms. Knight probably bought a new brand!

Without realizing it, I just groaned out of the deliciousness of the food, and while Ms. Knight smiled with appreciation at me while my friends' faces deepened to an even darker shade of red.

Why can't I be normal?

He was touching me, from my hair, to my stomach, to my feet and then up my thighs. His tongue was licking me. All over. I moaned, and soon my mouth was covered with these gentle lips. He was touching my crotch, kneading me, pressing so enchantingly as if my body were a magical piece of dough. My back arched against him, and trails of kiss slithered down my neck. The room was dark but heated. I was helpless to my body's shaking. My senses were erratic with every touch.

My dick jumped at his teasing fingers, and I wanted the friction so badly. I didn't want it to end. Just the massaging of my body and subtle licks of his mouth was so good against me; I could not help but want it so badly.

"Carlos…"

"James…"

My eyes had ripped themselves open as I saw the darkness of the room. I swiped my forehead, feeling the sweat trickling down too my cheek. I shifted my legs and a gross, mucky feeling was at my thighs. I palmed my shorts, feeling a warm wetness. Why the hell was I dreaming of James? I shouldn't be! That's not normal…is it?

It felt good, but he's my best friend in the WHOLE WORLD. I should not be fantasizing about him like that. Hell, I shouldn't be even using that cursed word like 'fantasizing' or 'cursed' or 'hell' to describe James! This is so very, very, VERY wrong.

"Psst. James! Wake up, please!"

He groaned but instead turned in his sleep, ignoring me. I kept whispering, but I knew he wouldn't budge. It felt so awkward with that white goo in my shorts but I didn't know what else to do! I crept out of bed, waddling towards James' bed. He knew I was next to him, but why he wouldn't wake up is beyond me.

(James' POV)

It's almost two in the morning. Carlos. What the hell could it possibly be that you are bothering me?

I moaned, turning with my back to him, wanting my beauty sleep more than anything. He turns into a horrible monster if I bother his sleep, so why is he bothering mine? I love Carlos, but I'm too tired to deal with him and his late night antics. Something was soon poking my shoulders, gingerly prodding me. Carlos' finger soon moved to my sides. Immediately, I squirmed.

Then Carlos took my hand, pressing it against something wet and cool. My head shot up, and through the dim light of the moon, I blushed at the sight of my hand pressing against Carlos' crotch. My fingers felt him, feeling that part of him I never thought I'd feel and right now, my mind is on a sinful nirvana as we locked eyes in that particular instance.

"I…ummm…sort of had a wet dream. Mind helping me?" Carlos bluntly put it.

Nodding my head, I got up, switching the lamp on. Turning, Carlos began stripping, and despite the numerous times I've seen him nude, this time was so…surreal. His forehead was smothered in sweat. The rest of his body looked so exotic under this light, and then my eyes bloated greatly at the sight of his crotch, as small smears of semen streaking his thighs and his dick slightly jumpy. Those lips pouted, pink with embarrassment and that hair was sprawled out in a way only Carlos would.

I was on the verge of passing out at the way Carlos looked. I threw him a pair of boxers and one of my shirts, taking his soiled clothes while he cleaned up. Tip-toeing into the hallway, I strode to the laundry room but stopped, looking at the boxers in my hand.

With an intense rush of blood rocketing to my brain, I sniffed his boxers.

Sweet yet musky, and it smelled just like Carlos. Sin burned within my noggin, and I could not help but indulge in the scent. An erection was forming in my crotch and my impulsive lust threw me into the bathroom. His smell was intoxicating, so dangerous but it drove my mind into a blinding haze that I could not stop.

Yanking my sweat pants down, I held one hand up with his clothes, inhaling while the other stroking roughly at my cock, my body aching with monstrous lust. With every thrust into my fist, my dick became increasingly slippery and my mind just kept showering me with images of Carlos screaming with joy, Carlos mumbling incoherent Spanish, Carlos kissing me down my neck and my chest, Carlos just loving me.

I slipped the boxer briefs under my chin, holding it there as both my hands continued their sinful charades. I kept my right hand stroking while my right curiously made its way to my bottom, dragging along my crevices. Cautiously, I pressed my index finger against my entrance, and with pleasure so searing like a lightning bolt, my body was struck. The ecstasy soared through my brain as I came. Cum splashed vehemently against my white t-shirt.

Shame.

I felt disgusting shame, not because I was masturbating with my best friend's underwear or that I just touched my ass but because I wanted Carlos, more than anything, and that want drove me to this point.

Returning, I saw that he was asleep.

I just watched him sleep soundly while my heart beat rapidly.

"I love Kendall."

It was a few weeks after that night, and Logan barged into the apartment, ordering Carlos out while he and I were playing video games before spitting that out. I stared at Logan with surprise. I always thought he loved Camille. He seemed like he was so into her, especially during that time when Griffin signed us up to be part of a reality TV show, where they'd be making out with every shot of the camera.

Logan's face were wet, a pair of lines going straight from his eyes to his cheek, and his brown soft eyes were shocked with red.

"Logan?"

"I broke up with Camille. I was too ashamed to admit to her why I don't love her but I'm not ashamed to admit the truth to you because I know you love Carlos, and damnit, it hurts. It hurts so much and I feel like a huge mess because I can't take this anymore! I love Kendall Knight, you love Carlos, he wants Carlos, and here we are, broken!"

I wanted to slap Logan, primarily for being unreasonable towards Camille, discovering my affection for the knuckle-headed Latino and calling me broken and yet, I can see through him. That he's hurting.

I pulled him into the couch, holding his head to my chest, letting him sob. Logan clung to my shirt, and even though he left tear stains, I let him cry.

"It hurts, it has always hurt. I love him, he doesn't love me, and I feel so weak."

He's right; it hurts.

(Carlos' POV)

Escalation.

The process in which a sequence of events occur with intense consequences due to an ongoing conflict. Or, at least that's what Logan had once said. I'm not going to question it considering I don't read the dictionary for fun or when I'm depressed over a breakup.

But it seems to me that Kendall's actions have been escalating. I've noticed the pattern, that when he talks to Jo and gets all happy, he doesn't need me. When Jo breaks his heart, he uses me. I don't mind. I don't. Even if it hurts. A lot. It hurts more than anything because my best friend is using me. But I don't mind.

Because I need to keep Kendall happy for, he is my friend, right?

The cycle has been going on for weeks. With every empty moment we get, it ends with me pinned to the wall, crying in naïve pleasure; my body submitting while my heart ached for someone else.

I can't seem to understand why but, with every one of Kendall's touches, kisses, pushes, licks, I keep thinking of James. That it should be that pretty boy touching me, him licking me, not Kendall. Yet, James is my best friend. He doesn't like me like that. Well maybe, after all, he does flirt with everyone but point being, James would never like me, let alone want me the way Kendall does.

He'd never.

A part of me was stabbed with jealousy though. I wander what Logan wanted with James, as he ushered me out of the room with his face all red and angry. If Logan were upset, wouldn't he go to Kendall?

Leaning towards the apartment door, trying to hear.

"…broke up…Camille…shame…we are broken…I love him…weak…"

I caught fragments of Logan's rambling but he was hurting. He loved someone who didn't love him. But I don't know who…all I heard was "I love him."

Could it be me? Or Jett? Maybe there's a new guy somewhere here. I always thought Logan loved Camille. Is everyone but James turning gay?

Wait…what if it's Kendall?

I didn't have enough time to figure this out because the minute I turned around, a pair of warm needy lips crammed themselves against my dry ones, tongue poking curiously. Kendall was stuttering forward, my body leaning against the door of the apartment.

He parted, eyes glazed with the familiar lust he always wears around me.

"Is anyone home?" He questioned, arms still wrapped around me.

"Logan and James." I was hoping so badly, so very badly that Kendall would leave me alone because someone is home.

Instead, he grabs my hand, yanking me as he dragged me towards the closes supply closet. It was a dank room, the stiff odor of cleansers present. A broken mop lay dusted in the corner. The light swayed from the ceiling with a rickety sound. The blonde locked the door before showering me in desperate kisses, each one sucking bits of my skin more than the last one. Unsnapping the button on my pants, Kendall shoved my pants and underwear down, the silent draft creeping against my crotch.

Kendall snatched a bottle of soap from a nearby shelf, glossing his fingers before prodding my bottom once more. I bit my lip. I did not want to submit to him. I didn't.

I just wanted James to hold me right now. I wanted him to be kissing me and touching me and telling me he loved me.

Wait, loved me?

Kendall found that glorious button inside of my butt, jabbing it head on without any regard to my dick that flared angrily, wanting to be stroked. The ring of muscles down there tightened and the both of us groaned anxiously. I just wanted this to end. I just want this to be over. I just want to be away from this room and I want the old Kendall back, the one who would protect me and the one who loved Jo and that he…he wouldn't hurt me like this.

This time, I was in for one hell of a surprise.

(James' POV)

I held Logan as he sobbed tediously. We sat on his bed and while he was cried, his tears wetting my expensive cardigan that my mother bought on Mother's Day when she visited. Logan kept weeping about how fell for Kendall before BTR and how Carlos doesn't deserve him (though I want to agree with Logan, if Kendall makes him happy I can't argue). I've always hated Logan being at such a weak state; it's like watching a kitten being denied milk, it is that sad. His brown eyes were webbed with dark pink lines. The sun that beamed in the room didn't help cheer Logan up. I suggested that we should go out, somewhere away from the Palm Woods so we can talk in private because even though the door is locked, I don't think we're alone.

"Logan, you need to calm down. Please?" I requested for the umpteenth time. I know I have a hard time trying to be a good friend, but it's been about two hours of gibberish and non-rational angry curses. In other words, it's hard trying to help Logan when he's mad.

And I know; the whole kissing Camille accident said enough.

"ButimmshomumadadCarlos!"

I slapped Logan. His incomprehensible rambling was not helping at all. I know I'll regret it later (I may have muscles, but surprisingly Logan does too and can kick my ass) but I had to.

"B-but I'm so mad at Carlos!" Logan squeaked. His eyes were dilated with surprise but it didn't really faze me.

Then Logan kissed me. Out of nowhere, he kissed me. This was unbelievably wrong. I couldn't shut my eyes, and as I watched him screw his eyes tightly, I groaned at his hand, where his fingers digging deeply into my arm. Logan has really sharp nails for a dude. His tongue lapped against my lips eagerly and then he bit my lower lip, parting my mouth as he slipped in. This kiss was not right. So very, exquisitely not right and I didn't know what to do because really, all I wanted right now was to console Logan, not kiss him when he should be kissing Kendall and I should be kissing Carlos. I needed this to stop, before it got out of hand, so as a last resort, I bit Logan's tongue.

Logan flinched away, and as we looked at each other, we blushed.

"Logan, I ummm-"

"Sorry James. I shouldn't have done that." We glanced sideways for a sec, and all I did see was desperateness sitting next to me. I know Logan is scared, and where that kiss came from was beyond me. I wonder if Logan had underlying feelings for me. It wouldn't be surprising considering the face my mother gave me. But still…

"Logan, that's not going to solve any problems."

"I know; I just…I just needed to do something."

"Yehhhh, let's not do that again."

"Never again."

I smiled coyly before hugging him. Logan lied down, and I patted his leg before getting up to leave him be. I'm even more confused now than I have ever been.

(Carlos' POV)

My ass hurts. Kendall was still on top of me, arms holding me. His cock was deflating a little but my ass hurts. The tears have finally stopped springing from my eyes. I can breathe again. I feel unimaginably violated. My friend was asleep on me, clutching me like a bear hugging its cub. The stale scent of old cleansers was mingling with the fresh odor of semen, nauseating me.

I love Kendall, but this honestly hurts a lot.

He loves me, but not in the way I wish he had. And so much for my virginity.

"Kendall? Kendall, please wake up?" I shook his arm and the tears were making a comeback. I just wanted to go shower and forget everything. "¡Oh, dios mío, por favor, ¡DESPIERTA!"

My freaked-out Spanish woke him up, and his eyebrows linked in drowsiness. Wordlessly, we cleaned up, disposing of the condom and not making eye contact, and as he got out, I tried getting up, my bottom stinging. Limping, I glimpsed at the janitor's mirror, biting back my lip at my worn out face.

Entering the apartment, I found it ominously quiet. James was emerging from the hallway, his eyes bored and averted.

"Hey." I greeted.

"Hey." He said.

Something is wrong. I don't know what it is, or what caused it, but for some time, James has…changed. He is not as affectionate as he once was. When I get cold, he doesn't hug me like he used to; instead he just tosses me one of my sweaters. When we're alone in the apartment, he just quietly goes to our room and sleep instead of going down the swirly slide with me.

James does not do those things anymore and I miss it.

I miss him.

I stepped into the shower as he cracked the fridge open. The water was near scalding hot, steam wiping my gross cheeks and I scrubbed. I gripped the soap with a vice like hold, thrashing it against every limb, every spot of olive skin I could see, trying to wash it all away.

Washing all the guilt away.

That spot on me finally came up. Lathering up the body wash, I attentively massaged the area, blushing as I hissed. My nerves were screaming with outrage, the soap hurting beyond anything. I rubbed it, trying to wash away the detergent that Kendall used as lubricant when he put his dick there. Taking my finger away, I looked at my hand, cringing at the small amount of redness mixed in with the white fluff of bubbles.

As the water stopped burning my back, I climbed out of the tub. Not realizing that the tub's floor is slippery, I fell, hand flailing, trying to catch my balance as I let out a yelp. James barged into the bathroom, his eyes widened with panic while the shower curtains' bar snapped from its place.

"Carlos, are you alright? I heard you scream."

"I-I'm fine." I muttered yet when I tried to get up, there was a gash on my palm, blood getting on the white tub. Without hesitation, James scurried to Logan's room, fetching him. Logan looked extremely tired, eyes barely fluttering but when he saw the blood he shot up a bunch of questions as he yanked the first aid kit from the cabinet below the sink.

(Logan's POV)

-Flashback of 8th Grade Year-

I remember all of them staring intensively at me. Their whispers lingered, and I skittishly made my way through the halls, holding my breath slightly. I didn't want to be here anymore. The halls of Cates Junior High were filthy, with smear marks of shoe prints on the floor. It was only the first day of junior high school, Kendall was off who-knows where and James and Carlos was nowhere to be seen. I don't know how but they found out. They found out about me being bisexual.

Nobody, not even my three best friends knew. The people in this town didn't take too kindly to people who were not straight.

In other words, I'm on my own.

"Move it fag." One of the freshmen muttered, shoving me and my books to the floor. I didn't say a word. I just kept silent. The millisecond I tried to collect my belongings, I felt the impact a foot land on my face, slamming me into a locker.

I huddled my face, trying to keep calm, trying to not cry and not admit it hurt and that I may have a slightly concussion. The jerk, who seemed to be another freshman, looked ready to pulverize my face into the ground. Bracing for the blow, suddenly I felt all time stop the minute I heard his voice, my savior.

"You son of a bitch!" I looked up and saw Kendall repeatedly slug the bully, his strength ferocious as he gallantly fought back, with Carlos and James by his side. They never gave up despite how even more freshmen joined the brawl, even with Carlos joining me on the ground. Eventually, it took both vice-principals to restrain Kendall who bore a tenacious glare and James who swore vehemently.

James and Carlos went into the desolate office first, and despite the protest of the principal herself, James would refuse to let Carlos' hand go.

"I'm sorry Kenny. You didn't have to hit him…I was in the way." I muttered, face down to the ground. I winced as tears crossed one of the scrapes I got on my face earlier. Kendall yanked my hand, holding mine tightly. He didn't say a word. He just looked at me, and even with that busted lip, he smiled foolishly at me.

In that particular moment I knew I was in love with Kendall Francis Knight. (Flashback end)

I've never forgotten. It was that particular cold Minnesota day that I'll have engraved in my head for as long as I live. I'm not ashamed of who I am. Kendall knew, but he didn't care. What I don't want is for these feelings to drive Kendall away. Then I caught him with Carlos. I felt my world shatter, but like that fateful day in Minnesota I would not say a word at the hurt.

It was that kiss. That kiss. The one in the hallway. I couldn't forget it. But it was that kiss that officially changed everything between Kendall and me. He'd avoid me when he could, and when we were around Ms. Knight, he'd act conversational but alone he'd say single word responses lined with chagrin. During rehearsals with Gustavo, he'd stand between James and Carlos, away from me.

He's been avoiding me more and more, and we all knew it. Mrs. Knight won't say it. Katie won't say it. Kelly won't say it. Even Gustavo won't say it. But the change was so relevant that it stung deeply. Still I would not say a word at the hurt.

Just don't say it.

I knew being in a relationship with Camille was wrong from the beginning. I should have never led her on. I was trying so hard to push the feelings away from Kendall. She was the excuse I needed to see if I could move on, to see if I can grow up and outgrow these feelings for my best friend because I knew he'd never feel the same. But seeing him, desperately kissing Carlos, his hands touching the Latino so eagerly, nearly broke me. It was what provoked me into breaking off Camille. It was what got me change how I saw Carlos and James. Then I thought, if I start something with James, it might erase the feelings. I shouldn't have kissed James. Now he's awkward towards me. I was wrong. And here I am, with this hole in my chest. Kendall was hurting me so much and I can't breathe a word of it.

The medical peroxide made Carlos tear up in the eyes but I would not say a single thing. We both knew it. There was tension in the air, the anger coming off of me. Carlos rambled on and on, distracting himself from it. The Latino finally saw that I was upset.

"Logan?"

"Just be careful."

"Logan, what's wrong? Are you mad?"

"I love Kendall. And it hurts. It hurts and I'm trying to listen to James but it hurts." I bitterly cried, my tears breaking along with my silence. Carlos blushed and I knotted the gauze on his hand a little too roughly before waltzing out of the bathroom, not even bothering to ask if he was alright after he yelped.

Falling on to the bed, I cried silently. For a genius like me, my heart was pretty damn stupid.

(Carlos' POV)

After the painful bandaging Logan did on my hand, I walked back to my room after eating dinner, alone. I couldn't shake what Logan had said, that he loved Kendall. I'm not surprised to honest. Actually, I feel guilty, that in some way, I have what Logan wants. Yet I don't want Kendall sexually. I want Kendall as my friend again. I want Logan to be happy again. My feelings are not so much confused as they are sad now. I don't know what to do. James was listening to his iPod, the music a little bit loud. He had his eyes clothes, head on a pillow as he hummed to himself, forgetting the world. He was wearing a black wife-beater and a pair of gray basketball shorts that sunk a little as his knees were up. I liked it when he wears that wife-beater. I tapped his shoulder to see if he'd notice me. Looking up at me, he grinned sheepishly. My friend unplugged his ears from the buds, dropping the iPod to the bed.

"James?"

"Yeah Carlos?"

"Is it ok if I lay with you?"

"Sure, I guess." James lifted his arms up, scooching over. Climbing into his bed, the warmth was so nice. It was comforting. It was unusual. Best of all, it was just James. He wrapped his arms around me, with my back to his body and we laid there in the quiet.

Just breathing gently. I didn't want to say anything. James felt so nice. So very nice.

"Carlitos?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

I blushed at the words that just came out of James, and I was lucky that he couldn't see my face. Maybe something inside of me wants to like James more than a friend should. But if so, James doesn't feel that way. He's always been affectionate with me. Maybe a part of me loved him as a friend and a part of me loved him beyond this friendship.

"Carlos?"

"I love you too James."

I don't know if I mean that. A part of me wants to mean it so badly. But I'm afraid to. What if James becomes like Kendall and uses me for sex? After all, I love Kendall. And people usually have sex with those they love, right? What if James doesn't love me the way I might feel for him? If I let myself fall, he might not like what he may catch.

I felt snoring against my shoulders and I doubt the arms that were locked around me were going anywhere anytime soon. I wonder why he's so comfortable. No one, not even mamá, can hold me like James does. His arms feel right around me, even when the faint arm hair tickles me. I like it when I feel his heartbeat against my skin because it's so rare, that when it happens, his beats to mine.

No. I need to stop. I need to stop glamorizing these feelings. James is my friend. I just…

Fell asleep.

Changes.

Everyone here is going through a change.

I don't know why but something keeps telling me that with every change, it brings us closer to the brink of no return. Like there's something telling me that the band will break as these changes continue.

Logan doesn't talk to me anymore; just to James. James isn't so affectionate to me and we don't bicker anymore which is so unnaturally wrong, and we all know what Kendall has done. But what scares me more than any of my friends' changes, are my own. I won't say it but I know I'm acting so different now. Shy, quiet, not pulling pranks or bouncing off the walls and yammering only when we are forced to be around each other at Rocque Records yet when I'm at the Palm Woods, I'm just…alone.

I won't say it, but I'm not really me anymore. I wonder if I should be feeling guilty for that. For not being my usual me, or the fact that I'm so distant from my friends now or that, that…I have feelings for James but not for Kendall. And a part of me hurts, because Logan wants Kendall. This wrong. So wrong. So very, very, VERY, wrong.

What if Kendall hurts me again?

What if Logan never wants to talk to me again?

What if James doesn't want me anymore?

The sunlight poured into the room, and a part of me wanted to be so very alone right now, even though James was still wrapped around me.

"Car…los…" James moaned drearily. My face deeply reddened. Was James' dreaming of me? I turned my body a little so I can bury my face into his chest. The slow breathing was calming.

What if a small part of me loved James more than I should? Was that possible? But I'm…well I'm not straight really considering what has been happening with Kendall. I still like girls though. I mean guys should like girls. That's how it is supposed to be, right? That's what mamá and papá told me, ever since they came to this country. Plus it's James. James fucking Diamond, the heartthrob, girl catching, charismatic face of Big Time Rush who also happens to be my best friend.

I'm so stupid, so very stupid, so unbelievably stupid. He'll never love…

James will never love me. He'll never want someone like me, an idiot, a goofball, a mistake. He'll never want me.

Even though I want him. Even though in truth, I love him. Maybe, a part of me has always loved James and it never took me until now to think about it.

Quietly, I sniffled into his chest, and as a small tear came into contact with his wife-beater, the door creaked open. I looked up to find needy green eyes look at me.

(James' POV)

That was the first time I've seen Carlos cry in so long. Well seen wouldn't be the right word considering I heard him sob and felt that small wet spot where his tear fell. Then, he left me. I heard Kendall's voice.

They left. Opening my eyes, a flood of sunlight got to me. The lack of warmth came and I wanted to call out for him. I wanted to scream so loud that it'd shatter all the windows in the Palm Woods. I wanted Carlos back. I want him so badly, right here, in my arms.

I heard a moan escape from the bathroom. Getting up, I crept over to the door and opened it, poking my head out. I turn to find Logan's head out and suddenly I felt the bitter mixture of rage and disgust wash over me.

I heard it again and this time I could hear my heart shatter. The lustful cries were breaking me. It feels as though my worst nightmare came true. It was Carlos crying out and damnit, I wanted to make him croon like that! That should be me! That should have been me! Swallowing my rage, I closed the door, angry at Kendall for taking Carlos and for…for the damn erection in my basketball shorts.

No. I am not going to touch it. No matter how much I want to, no matter how badly I want to, I am not going to voyeur off those two. I just can't. Changing into jeans and a white tee with a black gothic cross on it, I charged out of the room, banging on Logan's door.

"Go away!"

"Logan, it's me James!"

The way he looked, was a surprise to me. Have you ever saw someone's true face? With their heart painted in their eyes, their tears streaked down to their chin and their soul stuttering at their lips? I've never seen Logan so weak before.

"Get changed, we're going to go out for a bit."

The genius obeyed without question, grabbing a pair of khaki shorts and a blue jacket.

We left.

Wordless. We were wordless, sitting at a local Starbucks with coffee sitting on our tables. We thought it was just a kiss, or at least a small relationship, something…just not that. Logan and I did not think they'd be having sex. And I don't even like coffee! My hands were trembling on my lap and Logan drank idly.

I couldn't take it anymore.

"Logan, I am so-"

"I wanted him; that was supposed to me! But he chose Carlos. He chose Carlos!" Logan whispered hotly. Time to shut up now. I reached for that cup of grossness and took a shy sip, avoiding eye contact with Logan. I know he was crying.

Because I was crying too.

(Carlos' POV)

As time went on, the sex with Kendall began to bother me less and less. I began using it as an escape; much like Kendall was using it as an escape from Jo, or something. Just like him, I'm escaping too. Escaping from the change, from the confusion of sexuality, from Logan's cold behavior, from James. The sex was gentle but passionless, just getting it in and done. We no longer kissed. We no longer cuddled. This to me, despite my overly affectionate behavior, was just fine.

I don't really want to cuddle with him anyways. I'm sure he has someone else to do that with.

A part of me wanted to love Kendall. To fall in love with him, so that the sex can be justified. I wanted him to have my heart so that this guilt of having sex with Kendall would leave me, so that it'd make sense right? So that it would force Logan to move on and for feelings I may possibly have for James to leave. But everyone knows it is wrong. It was wrong to have sex with someone you don't love and to fall in love with someone who will never feel the same about you. It was all wrong. I want things with Kendall and me to be right, to be ok.

I've been trying to remain my goofy self, though James doesn't really want to be around me anymore and Logan is just ignoring me. I wonder if they knew about the sex. I thought Kendall told no one. I sure didn't. Kendall would get me when the apartment was empty, or we'd go off to some secretive place and do it. We even did it in the Big Time Rush mobile. Kendall was the one that always came to me. I never rushed off to have sex with him. But we both knew that in the end, it was our escape.

The band was falling apart.

Maybe I'm the only sane one left in this house, but I can see it. We're falling apart.

After rehearsal, Gustavo let us home early so that we can prepare for an upcoming showing tonight instead of working on that urgent EP. It was at some brand new club, where the admission was for teenagers like us. It was odd though, because before we left, Gustavo and Kelly were acting…sad. I don't think that might be the right word to describe it, but it's like they were holding back how they were feeling. Did they see what was causing the rift between the four of us? Gustavo was not yelling like he usually does. Kelly wore a face more observant than usual. Everything was going too smoothly.

Maybe they did see it.

James and Logan went down the pool while Katie and Kendall were out doing some errands. I was eating lunch while Ms. Knight was doing some laundry in the living room. It was silent but for once I didn't really care. Even loud energetic people like me need a little peace time, don't we?

"Carlos?"

I looked away from my food to see that Ms. Knight took a table and she was looking at me weirdly. What is it with everyone? Why are they all acting so differently?

"What's going on between the four of you boys? I know something is wrong, but I can't figure it out. As a mother, that scares me."

I dropped my fork ashamedly, gazing away from her. If I tell her, what will she say? I don't know how to simply tell her that I'm sleeping with her son, James is avoiding me and Logan is giving me the cold shoulder! What do I do?

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean Carlos. Now tell me, or I will call Sylvia, Brooke and Joanna."

Oh, I remember the last time all the moms got involved in one of our disputes. And it did not end prettily. I still shudder at the thought of it.

"What if…what if what I am about to say is something I'm not exactly proud of. You might hate me for it."

"Carlos, you're like another son to me. So are Logan and James. No matter what you say, I can't hate you for it." Ms. Knight said fawningly. I blushed, and a small tear came to my face again. Damn crying. I hated crying. I have always hated crying. I disliked the tears and sobbing and heartache to the point where I don't cry in front of people anymore. I've never cried in front of anyone.

"What if I say I slept with someone, and this someone is somebody who you care deeply about and the fact that I slept with this person repeatedly is damaging our band?"

"Well who did you have sex with?"

My face flushed at Ms. Knight. I never thought I'd be in this position of listening to her say that word.

"K-Kendall. He slept with me. A-and we…we have sex with each other to just escape all these pressuring things! And I didn't think about it but it's hurting them! It's hurting them. And Kendall doesn't love me and I don't love him and it's all wrong! It's all very wrong…"

Ms. Knight stared with bewilderment at me before getting up and hugging me.

"Ms. Knight, he doesn't love me. And I don't love him. I don't understand why we're having sex."

"Maybe you need to stand up to him? Carlos, it'll get worse if you don't speak up for yourself. Trust me; I made the same mistake a long time ago. Speak up. I know Kendall loves you, just like how James and Logan do. Maybe not the way you wanted him to but Kendall does love you. I know he does."

I didn't want to be there anymore. Dropping the plates in the sink without even washing them, I fled to the shower, the hot water splashing me again. I didn't say thanks to Ms. Knight. I didn't think about the sex with Kendall to be honest.

Truth was I wanted James to be here, holding me.

The club was bouncing away with life. The strobe lights were scanning the ground manically and dancers were circling the floor wearing skimpy outfits. I am very surprised that they let teenagers in a joint like this. The faint aroma of alcohol and drugs wafted the air. The dance floor was filled with people; singles, couples, guys with hordes of girls and girls with trailing guys flowing into the rhythm of the night. The walls were black yet they were contradicted with the streaks of neon design casting it a futuristic glow.

As Gustavo and Kelly went off in search of the club owner, with Freight Train in tote, the rest of us walked in, and the mass roared to life at us, cheering 'Big Time Rush' and chattering as they continued to party like it's hard. I watched as a couple of girls whisk Logan and James away and a pang of hurt got to me.

The way those whore touched James, batting their eyes and the way they shake their crappy dresses, I'd throw water balloons full of expired strawberry jam at them! That'd teach them to touch James.

Why was I even being jealous? James was getting some!

I need to be happy for him…I really do. Not paying attention, I felt someone grab my hand as I was staring at the dance floor. It was James, his charming smile painted on his face. It hit me suddenly, because now I see that it's been so long since I've seen that smile on him, let alone him being so close to me.

"How about you and I dance?" He whispers alluringly into my ear, my face reddening for the billionth time. I didn't have time to respond, he took me away to the center of the club. His hands felt so nice. We were in the middle of the floor, the bass pounding unimaginably hard.

I did not know how to dance in a club. As James swayed to the beat with ease, I stood there stiff, and lifelessly. My best friend stopped, with a befuddled look on him.

"You don't know how to dance?" He mouthed, finding it pointless to yell across the masses.

"No…"

He took my hand again, his body pushed right into mine. We were in sync. All the meaningless noise became muted as we danced, my body swaying with his. This moment felt too right, and everything inside of me was screaming at this dream like feeling. I never want to be yanked from this place again. Right here with James, it's where I belong. His hands roamed freely around me, and he placed my hands on him as though inviting me to touch his godly body. I felt it again. I felt his heartbeat. Seeing it now, a part of me never wants to be away from James. Everything about him keeps me so close and so far all at once. My heart has never ached more than it has now, being so close like I am now. My heart has never been like this.

Thinking about it, I love James. With every grind and every move I make, all the flashbacks kept rerunning in my head and all I could see was just James. He was there for the good and for the bad. He was there when I was brilliant and when I was foolish. He was there when I wasn't me. He was there when I was too close to crying. He was there for everything.

I can no longer just push this feeling away. I love James. His hands and his heartbeat felt so right to me. It felt so complete against me. I realize now that all I want is for James to just be mine and mine alone and I will no longer be anyone else's, just his. Just James'.

These feelings were too much but too right. When I finally got it all together, I see now that I've always loved James, whether I knew it or not. As the song faded to its, James mouthed that he needed to check up on Logan, but I grabbed his hand.

"Please don't go." I messaged back.

He never did let go. He stayed with me. Some slower song came up, and it seems to be for couples as pairs and pairs of people showed up with gleeful smiles. James got close to me, and twirled around until he and I were face to face, spinning sweetly to the song. The song seemed sad. But the mood it set was just perfect. James held me tight, holding me as though I was the last hope he had. It felt so right, so very right and nothing could tear up this moment.

"I love you." He mouthed. And then his lips were onto mine. In that minute, I felt all of James pour himself into me. He did love me. I didn't care if the world had ended in that moment. I didn't care if someone came here and shot up the club. I wouldn't care. Because all that mattered were James and I, holding onto one another, kissing. His lips felt electrical on me, the sparks flying everywhere. Everything I was trying to run from, trying to escape from that was about James, all of a sudden…it felt so right. A bridge in the song came up, and James' hands rose up as he broke away from me with his eyes still locked on me.

Wrapping himself around me again, we held onto each other, and gazing up, his eyes were ignited with a passion that screamed for me. I didn't need words to know how he felt at this moment. James' eyes said it all. We let go when that song, too, came to an end. I wanted to dance more. To feel James with me. Everything told me it was so perfect, and best part of it all was that I knew James wanted that too. Then I saw Kendall come up to me, with the same look in his eyes; that of thirsty lust.

I did not want that right now.

The blonde grabbed my hand, and I tried to stop it. I didn't want it right now. In fact I did not want it anymore. No more. No more sex. No more guilt. No more secrecy. No more tearing up the band. I did not want any more of that. I should have done what Ms. Knight had said to me a long time ago and said no. This can't go any longer; it has to end now.

"Kendall stop, please!" I hollered, the club music roaring once more. There was no response, just more pulling me away from the dance floor, away from the one boy I did love, which was James. Kendall pulled me into the bathroom, after throwing some other couple out he locked the door, boxing me into a corner as his lips smashed into mine. I couldn't kiss back anymore. This room was gloomy, even with the neon lighting. It stank of sex and who-knows-what-else. I didn't want to be here at all. I just want to go home. I just want to sleep now. I just want to be away from this madness. My hands were against his chest trying to push away. He bit my lip and I gasped as his tongue dove right in and this wasn't right. It was so wrong! Kendall's hands found their way of getting my belt loose, yanking my dark jeans down with them.

"Hey what's the hold up?" Someone yelled and I recognized that it was James. I let out a muffled moan and Kendall pulled away to respond back. There was an awkward silence beyond the club pounding away. Then, out of nowhere the door burst forward and there stood James.

His face was desolated and his eyes were glossed with shock at the scene. The three of us stood there, each unsure of what to say or how to respond. James walked forward and with surprising force, he yanked me away from Kendall and then punched him! The blonde stumbled back against the tiled wall. I pulled up my pants, the belt clattering. I watched as the two repeatedly bulleted each other in full out slugs, slamming fist after fists into each other. I made the effort to yank them apart but this time it was to no avail. I fled, looking for Logan and when I did I had no time to tell him what was going. How I even found him was a miracle to begin with but I had no time to be in awe, I had to go back and stop them! Returning to the bathroom, there was a grotesque crowd and Logan and I shoved our way through.

The two tall boys in our band had bloodied faces; bruises so well blotched on their face it was hard to ignore. I wanted them to stop. James threw another punch and suddenly Kendall was slouched onto the floor. What I failed to expect was Logan's reaction to pounce on James. Those two batted it out and then they toppled onto me. The back of my head collided crudely against the tile and I felt dizzy.

All I could remember was Gustavo's yelling and the clicking of cameras as a mad mob of paparazzi swarmed around me with Freight Training plucking me up as I blacked out from the throbbing ache in my head.

Waking up, I found Logan sitting on the edge of my bed, holding a reddish, wet towel. I reached up and felt the back of my head, hissing to myself at the sting of my finger finding a small wound. Logan turned to face me and his face bore misery. We stared at each other for the longest time before James walked in, rubbing his hair with a towel. He still had scratches and bruises all over his face. James' eyes looked baggy and worn down and I can finally see that he's been lacking sleep. The two looked miserable. James looked at me briefly before dropping his face, glaring intently at the floor.

Outside from the hallways, I could hear yelling and angry words flying back and forth between three people. It turns out to be Ms. Knight, Kendall and Gustavo, with the two adults against Kendall. I couldn't fully make out their words but soon a door slammed followed by a disappointed sigh that only a mother could make at a child who done something foolish. But what's standing before us is beyond foolish. Our band, our friendship, our dreams were now being put on the line and we don't know what to do.

"James, can you come out to the hallway?" Ms. Knight requested, her voice laden with dead seriousness. James nodded, not even saying a word to us before stepping out. There were a lot of whispering and Logan just kept quiet.

"Logan?"

"Yes Carlos?" It was the first time I heard kindness in his words in so long. I crawled to him, and hugged him. He's not the same as James or Kendall but I knew he needed it. I hugged him, hoping that he can feel what I feel. Logan gasped, and a sob was let out. Without even knowing it, I too began crying with him. Everything was falling apart and none of us know what to do. I cried, my tears free falling without even caring anymore. I just needed someone to hear me gasp. I just need someone to hear my hurt in my voice.

It wasn't the sex that is killing our band. It was the consequences of it. I hate myself for it; for letting Kendall do what he did to me and worse, becoming desensitized by it. I should have stopped it but instead, I turned it into an escape from what I was running from. It was James I was running from. And the moment I realize everything that I could have with James was right, all of a sudden it breaks.

I love James.

The sex with Kendall is destroying my relationship with everyone else including Kendall.

I can't be here anymore.

"L-Logan, we need to go home."

"W-what do you mean?" he muttered, his breath ragged with self-anger.

"We need to b-be away from this madness. G-go back to M-Minnesota for a b-bit."

"But what about K-Kendall and J-James?"

"They'll understand. We just need to go home. Think a little. LA has d-done nothing but tore us apart."

The smart boy nodded, and I grabbed my phone, dialing Kelly. She didn't sound too happy, but after getting Gustavo's equally unhappy though surprising approval, we got two tickets home to Minnesota for two weeks. The flight will be at 7 AM, so we must get up early. We needed to be home. We needed clean air from this chaos. I can't be around here anymore, and Minnesota is the only place where everything was normal, where everything made perfect sense. Logan and I need to be there. Now.

James returned, and he wore a pissed off look. Ms. Knight was behind him, and she looked like she needed Logan and me. The two off us wiped our faces, our pride clinging onto the backs of our hands. The hallway was dimly lit, giving it an unwelcoming feeling. This apartment no longer felt like home. It just felt like an apartment.

The three of us sat at the kitchen table, Logan and I on one side while Ms. Knight on the other. Logan looked like he was about to fall apart again and Ms. Knight looked exhausted, like James. I kept my lips pursed and sat there.

"Boys, I –"

"Me and Carlos got tickets." Logan interrupted.

"Tickets to where?"

"To Minnesota; Logan and I need a small break from everything. I just called Kelly. She and Gustavo got us tickets for two weeks. We're packing tonight." I said, backing up Logan.

"Is this what you boys want?" Ms. Knight asked.

"Yes." We solemnly affirmed in unison. Logan took my hand, needing my reassurance. I wouldn't let go.

"Ok. What time is the flight?"

"Seven in the morning. Can you wake us up by four?" Logan requested. I nodded.

"Ok." She didn't want to say anymore, but knowing the mother that Ms. Knight is, she was equally afflicted by this as everyone else is. We need this. Logan and I need this. The conversation left a stale taste in my mouth. I feel like I have disappointed my own mother. In a small way, we're running away. But I'm scared to continue anymore right now. I feel like the longer I'm here, the more lost I'll become. I want James, but I need to think about this. I want to save Kendall from himself and from me, but it's all too much right now.

I just want to go home.

(James' POV)

I did not want to see Carlos at all. I saw the look on his face when I caught him and Kendall, and it wasn't a look of desperation, it was a look of guilt! He looked guilty! He probably was enjoying it too! I know I swore to be happy for him but right now, I cannot face him. I didn't know what was worse; catching them, punching Kendall or thinking that what happened on the dance floor, that Carlos may have felt the same way that I do.

The dancing, the closeness, I thought he really could have felt the same. I even worked up the guts to kiss him! And then he let Kendall snatch him away from me! How could Carlos do that to me? If anything, I felt like he fucked up my head! Carlos knows I rarely dump my emotions out too. He knows.

Unfortunately, I had to share a room with Carlos and as a result, he came in, face stoned in apathy. It was late at night; I'm positive everyone was asleep. I couldn't face him. I just couldn't. I was too angry with everyone in this apartment to speak. Grabbing my iPod, I blasted whatever available song was on in a fruitless effort to calm myself down. But as predicted, it failed.

As the sound filled my ears, my eyes closed, trying to forget everything. I opened them again to see Carlos…packing. His cheeks had wet slivers on them again, and I watched as he put clothes into his duffel bag, not once looking at me. Where is he going? Is he changing rooms? I do not want to share a room with Kendall!

"What are you doing?" I muttered acidly. I didn't mean it like that.

Carlos looked to me, before wiping his tears. His eyes looked gently at the floor before hardening up at me, trying to mount a defense against whatever antagonistically uncontrollable thing may slip from my mouth.

"I'm going home." He shot back bitterly.

"WHAT?" I screeched. I didn't care if I woke up the damn neighbors, Logan, Kendall or even Ms. Knight and Katie; why the hell is he going home? I don't want him to leave me! No! This is NOT acceptable! Bouncing up from my bed, I grabbed wrist, trying to halt him from packing any more. What caught me off guard was the punch he threw at me which sent me back onto the ground.

I leapt forward, pinning him down and below me, stopping him. He flipped me over and I flipped back. We wrestled harder trying to get the other to stop until eventually I was on top of him, his wriggling serving him no good. He bit his lip and as sexy as that was at that particular moment, I shoved that thought away as I demanded why he is leaving us? Kendall, Logan and I need Carlos!

"Why the hell are you leaving?" I barked.

"To get away from all this fucking madness!" He yelled back and I was caught off guard by his swearing. In the moment of awe, he heaved himself up and turned us over to where he was on top of me. I closed my eyes, waiting for him try and hurt my face but instead…I felt a tear drop onto me.

"Carlos…"

"I can't take it anymore; the sex, the band, the change, the arguing, you! It's all too much! It hurts too much! I just need space from it all! I can't do this anymore…"

I let him go. I got up and watched him pack.

"I'm sorry Carlos."

"Just save it, ok? I'll deal with you when I get back." That hurt.

"Carlos, I love y-"

"Stop it! I know you do? Why do you think I'm leaving? Because I need to think about this, ok? It's bad enough!"

"You know what Carlos? Fine. Leave. Ok? You think that this situation has been hard on you alone? Well it hasn't! All of us have been hurt by it, ok! I've been hurt! Logan has been hurt! Even Kendall and Ms. Knight have been hurt! No one has said anything until now. Dude, of all of us, you have changed the most! What happened to the Carlos that plays pranks on everyone, huh? What happened to the Carlos that makes quirky comebacks and knows how to have fun? Where? Where the hell is he, huh? I fucking miss him! He was my best friend! He was the person I could always go to! He was the person who put a smile on my face! He was the person who made me feel so perfect and beautiful even when everyone else made me feel so hideous and wrong! He was the person that I FELL IN LOVE WITH! He was the person I saw on the dance floor, the first time in so long. And ever since you started having sex with Kendall, I lost him…I lost the love of my life and not a day goes by where I wish I had him back. I wish that I could have taken all those weeks of not talking to you, of missing you and just reverse it all. I love you. Ok? I, James fucking Diamond loves you and I've always loved you. Not as a brother, not as a friend. No I mean love as in fell in love. Even before Big Time Rush. But then you had to run from it all! I should have never kissed someone like you. So pack up and leave. Ok? Just leave."

A rush of anger suddenly resurfaced in me, and I felt like I just lost control as my heart came up and out of my mouth. I never knew such anger and hatred could be harbored in my heart. Carlos dropped the clothes he held as he stared at me in disbelief, and never have I seen his eyes water up like that. It was as though my words have murdered him. I turned away because I couldn't face him.

It sucks, that after he finished, the both of us cried ourselves to sleep, clutching nothing but a pillow.

(Kendall's POV)

I'm a really fucked up person. I really screwed up. I never meant for all of this happen. I stood in the bathroom, my hair soaked from the shower and as I looked into the mirror, I didn't see myself. I just saw a stranger. I know the others must hate for this. Especially Logan.

A long time ago, what happened with me and Carlos was supposed to be a one-time, experiment thing. It was a blinding moment of impulsive, feral lust. It was supposed to remain that way. But I never meant to prolong it. I never meant to stretch it out and become addicted to the sex. I must be a horrible person. I was so lost in the lust of fleeing what my heart felt that in the end, I'm the one destroying the band. And Carlos is taking the fault with me. He shouldn't though. This was never his fault. I feel guilty enough for breaking the band, for taking advantage of Carlos and for harming James.

Through the sex, I thought maybe I could love Carlos, so it can fade away. But it didn't. It just kept making my fears bigger and bigger.

All of this was my fault and I don't understand why I did it; I just did.

I know people make terrible choices. I know that. Now, I wish that I could undo everything. I never meant for things to be like this.

Sex with Carlos was my escape from my feelings. I only learned recently with Jo that I was in love with Logan. I kept pushing them back, arguing that it was just a friendship between Logan and me. As I tried to fight the feelings away with Jo, my resistance to brunette genius began to wear thinner and thinner. What drove me into Carlos, I honestly don't know. Maybe it was that losing Carlos would not be as bad as losing Logan. Maybe it was because having feelings for Carlos might put a permanent end to the feelings for Logan. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just needed an escape. Carlos never said no. My heart was trying to get as far as it could from the truth though, and I regret letting myself be swept away by it, because now, Logan won't talk to me, Carlos and James probably hate me and my mother is embarrassed to look at me.

Out of anger, I punched the mirror. I watched the glass shimmer as shards slashed at my hand and clattered into the sink. Mom's bedroom was furthest away from the bathroom so I'm positive she didn't hear the crash.

"Kendall, are you alright?"

It was Logan. I didn't say anything but opened the door to him. He was in his pajamas, which consisted of a gray t-shirt and plaid boxers. His eyes grew horrified at the crimson drops into the sink. There was glass everywhere, and my hand stung. Not that it really mattered, my face already hurt from the punches I got from James. The bruises on my body were still there, throbbing even. The first aid kit banged clumsily onto the counter top next to me as I hopped up on the counter after some of the glass was swept away. Logan's face was red, and I realized that I only had a towel on. I could hear rain tap against the windows faintly out in the hallway as Logan picked at my hand, getting the shards out. The medical alcohol he padded on me didn't feel as bad as what my turbulent mind was surging through. Logan shouldn't be helping me. I don't deserve it.

I am so stupid. If I could, I'd undo everything. I honestly would.

"Logan I…I have to tell you something."

"No Kendall, no. I know. You've been having sex with Carlos."

I blushed, but let him continue fixing my hand. So he knew…

Logan looked so beautiful but so sad. The way his eye glimmered yet, he looked like he was about to cry. His lips waved softly, like he's trying to hold back his words. I know I've been causing him some kind of pain. If I had the guts to just tell Logan the truth of how I feel instead of running off and hurting Carlos along with everyone else, maybe instead of crying, he'd smile.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you do it? Punching the mirror, I mean."

"I…I lost control."

"Oh." He grumbled, wrapping gauze all over my palm.

We looked at each other, and there was something in his eyes, that screamed for me to just say what I feel. I want to come out of the hiding that my heart and my head want so badly. We eyed each other for so long that I forgot to breathe. Logan now stood between my legs and we still had our eyes locked in such a trance that was euphoric. I cannot truly explain it. I cannot just look away. For the first time, I've never seen such feelings so transfused into someone's captivating eyes like Logan's. Our heads sunk a little closer, and time was slowing down. Next thing I knew, his lips were on mine.

His lips felt like home. Like they belonged there, against my own. They weren't dead kiss like the ones I gave Carlos, where they were lifeless and despairing. Every shift of his lips released wave after waves of exotic earthquakes inside of me and I couldn't help it, I just melted into Logan. This wasn't some simple lock of the lips, or like those cheese scenes in the movies with the heart-wrenching symphony pouring into the background. He pulled away and with a sniffle, tried to leave. I grabbed his hand and I wouldn't let go.

Logan cried. I pulled him into my chest and his tears mixed in with the droplets of water from the shower.

"Logan, don't cry. Please just don't cry." I hummed tenderly into his shoulder, and now, I was trying to bite back my lips from making a sob. Logan did not need me to cry. He needed me to be strong while he is crying.

"Kendall this is wrong! How can you kiss me? You love Car-"

"I like you."

"Wha-, why? Why me?"

"Because…because…" I felt my words freeze. If I can't tell Logan how I feel now, I know for sure that I'll never be able to tell him.

"Because a part has always liked, no, I have always loved you. It took me a pointless relationship and meaningless sex to realize that you're everything I want. I can't say need because I know I can live without you. But I don't want to. I don't want to continue the sex with Carlos or trying to pursue Jo because I realize now that I love you. Just you. I fought hard too, Logan, to stop these feelings. I tried to convince myself that this was just a part of having a best friend like you. That these feelings were so irrelevant. That they were not real. But with every passing moment, every second, every part of me felt like it was dying because they were real. I feel horrible about this but even though I used Carlos to run from these feelings, it didn't stop them. They became all the more real. I don't want to run from this anymore. I love you Hortense Logan Mitchell."

Logan looked at me for so long that I thought time would have stopped. Until his lips met mine. We kissed over and over, and getting off the counter, we shuffled into the hallway and with every step of the way Logan's kisses pushed me back further into the darkness. Not that I minded, because I had him leading the way. Logan had pushed me down onto his bed and all that got to my head was his scent; all over the pillows and sheets and it sent my head way too high because all I could do was smell Logan's intoxicating aroma.

"Logan, I'm so sorry."

"Kendall, it's fine."

"I should have done this long ago."

Reuniting our lips, Logan was in between my legs again, wrenching my towel away, letting the cold air hit my crotch. Even though the bed lamp made the room somewhat gloomy and repressive, I've never seen Logan look so beautiful. A guttered moan came from my lips as Logan grabbed my dick, curiously massaging it. This felt so right, so natural, and I can't believe that it is happening. I was becoming harder; my face aglow a crazy shade of red and my mind was short-circuiting at Logan's touch. My arms snaked around the smaller boy's neck and I rendered him breathless as I kissed him. I begged for entrance with my tongue. He let me in. The inside was beyond what my mind could ever conjure up. His taste was innocent and longing, it was sincere and loving. It was everything I ever thought the perfect kiss was.

I began to thrust erratically with every stroke of his hand; his hand was so good! I can't explain it but even as something as a handjob would do me the best for the rest of my life. His hand worked so magically over my cock, the texture of the faint calluses sky-rocketing my nerves into a blinding nirvana as he kept rubbing the pre-cum all over me.

Every kiss and every stroke was edging me closer to release; I can practically taste it off of Logan's supple lips. My orgasm was so close and suddenly Logan just stopped amidst all the glory. I pleaded, a whimper vibrating in my throat and my dick throbbing at him. I hated whimpering. I hated feeling weak. But never in my life have I felt so loved by someone like Logan.

"Logan, I love you, I love you," I mewled, my eyes so dilated just at the sight of Logan. He stood up, lifting his shirt and tossing it to the soft carpet. I got up and yanked his boxers down. I felt my cheeks tighten along with my member as I looked at Logan's. I didn't know how big to be exact, but I know by a long shot, that he was bigger than me. Dropping to my knees, I took his member into my mouth even before he could protest. I've never been this submissive before, but I didn't care; it was now or never. The head of his dick poked the back of my throat, going a little deeper. A moan vibrated its way up, making the two of us shutter in sheer pleasure. Bobbing my head repeatedly, I grasped Logan's butt cheeks, squeezing them, touching them, enjoying the bubbliness that I've always thought they had.

I felt the tiredness in me, but I wanted to keep going. Logan pulled at my hair, forcing me to jolt at the shock of my nerves were making. I've never been this turned on in my whole life. His fist that was entangled with my blonde hair gripped harder as I sucked more and more and Logan whispered sweetly into the dim room. I kept moaning around his dick, and the more he tugged, the more my dick begged to be touched. Logan pulled me off of him, and I looked up at him. He yanked me into my empty bed, kissing my neck and my shoulder. I gushed out incoherent words.

I murmured a noise for him to stop, Logan released my hair and I stared up at him. I pointed to the night stand, and he knew what I wanted without any words. My face reddened once more as I watched Logan bend over slightly, showing off that cute butt of his. He tossed me the condom and he looked down at my sheets. I gave him a confused look.

"Logan I ummm…I want you in me."

The way his face morphed with embarrassment and shyly he looked at me with pleading eyes. I got up and took his hand, gazing at his fingers.

"Logan, I really do love you. And I want you to have me, down there. I want you to be my first, doing it that way."

"But Kendall, I just-"

"Logan, I was a dumbass for screwing Carlos and dating Jo, and I…I'm trying my best to make things right. This may not be right in your eyes, but I've never wanted to give something so special to someone more than I have being here, giving you my ass. I love you Logan. I really do."

I collapsed onto the bed with a seductive thud, and as I uncapped the bottle of lube, I felt Logan's eyes against me. Shuddering, I glossed the lube all over my fingers, and with a soft nudge, I pressed my index finger against my entrance. It hurt! How Carlos was able to do this was impressive now that the roles have changed. I felt my finger sink in more, and I groaned as my nail brushed against that spot inside of me. I added my middle finger next, jabbing happily at the bundle of nerves. I closed my eyes, and I imagined it was Logan doing this, even though he was there watching in awe. Something gripped my wrist from wriggling anymore, and when I cracked my eyes open, I saw that it was Logan, pulling my hand away. He pressed a wet finger into me, and I arched my back at his touch. Holding him, I felt him press another finger into me, and I crooned Logan's name. Logan pulled out and I whined at the loss of touch. I saw him slip on the condom.

Lying down, I watched Logan shiver at the feeling of lube being slathered on his dick. He lifted my legs and I locked them around him. I turned my face to the side as I felt the head of his member brush faintly ass and as he steadied himself, we gazed at each other for the last time. Next thing I knew, his dick crammed its way inside me slowly, and my eyes were sewn shut at the excruciating feeling of his cock making its way inside of me. I rocketed up, my fingers clamping on Logan's shoulders while my ass clamped Logan down below. We both cried pleasurably.

"L-Logan, oh god, Logan!" I gasped, feeling his penis finally sheath itself inside of me. I let go of his shoulders for a bit, and looking at my hand I drew blood. But Logan smiled at me, his dimples obvious at the pleasure we were feeling. His head rubbed against my head. His dick poked at the special set of nerves inside of me.

"Kendall, y-you alright?"

I bucked my hips against his crotch, trying to give him my best adventurous smile.

"Logan can you move now."

As clichéd as this sound, Logan's dick was causing me both this wondrous yet horrendous feeling in my ass. With every shove the genius made, I gripped his shoulders even more. I clenched so tightly to Logan that my nails finally broke the breath he was holding and in turn he latched his mouth against my neck. Biting me, I threw my bottom into Logan, gyrating even more as he speared this euphoria into me. My dick got solid once more, eager to be touched. Through all of this, nothing has ever felt more right than being here with Logan. Logan pumped into me mercilessly, talking into my skin. When his head came up from my neck, I kissed him, my tongue twirling joyfully with his. His cock repeatedly jumped inside of me, and the more Logan had thrust into me, the harder he got. I wish this could go on forever.

He pulled out.

"What the hell bro?" I cried, too loudly as I got a knock from the other side of the room. I could feel my ass quivering just being empty of Logan.

Logan reclined down, lying on his back with his dick pointing up.

"R-ride me." He whispered seductively. Jumping on top of him, I awkwardly sank myself on him. I moaned. Logan placed his hand on my mouth, trying to silence me until he was completely inside of me again, and at this angle, I can just feel my own dick trying to explode. Logan's hand went from my mouth to my cock, teasing and pinching the head. I bounced on Logan like a pogo stick, smiling embarrassingly with every nerve-blinding stab of his dick. I could feel it. My orgasm is so close, and I don't know how much longer I can hold it. I bit my lip hard. Logan stroked my dick harder.

"I'm so close."

The love of my life didn't say anything except grunt. Logan pulled out, tugging the condom off his dick. Making room so that we were even, I grabbed his dick. Holding it next to mine, I stroked, enjoying the feeling of our dicks jumping in ecstasy. No longer holding back, I came. Cum gushed out, covering our bodies. I didn't need to see it because all this pleasure had my eyes shut but I felt it. And it felt amazing. Settling down, I rolled to the side, looking at him, at his face, at his eyes, his nose, his lips, his everything. I couldn't tear my eyes away from Logan. Yawning, I clung to him, smiling sheepishly. Logan squirmed, and I figured it was because of the semen on him. Oh well. I'll be honest; it's hot with him covered in my semen.

"I love you," I muttered hoarsely, holding Logan as sleep whisked me away.

(Logan's POV)

I am terrible at goodbyes. Scribbling a note down, I placed it on the bedside, before taking one last glance at Kendall. My bags were set, organized and perched in the hallway. I could still hear Carlos packing hectically. I am dazed by last night. I can't believe it happened. The sex, the kissing, the confession, all of it kept swarming my head like a lost school of fish, running in circles repeatedly. It feels too surrealistic, and the logical part of me doesn't want to take that chance. What if Kendall doesn't love me? What if he just used me like he used Carlos? I can't just take sex as evidence that he loves me. It isn't substantial. It isn't real. Carlos was going to make us late for the flight. Stepping out, I saw Ms. Knight trying to help him pack, a pair of dinosaur printed boxers flying into the air along with other random articles of clothing. Shaking my head, I silently joined them in packing for the trip.

We were wordless but here I am, standing by the door way to our bedroom. My heart was beating at a speed beyond comprehension. I looked at Kendall one last time. His lips quivered in his sleep. Kendall clutched the blanket roughly, his brow slightly wet from sweat. I want to cuddle, but I can't. Striding soundlessly to his sleeping form, I crouched down, kissing his forehead.

"I'm so sorry, but I need to go." I whispered against those bushy eyebrows of his.

The door closed and we left.

The terminals of LAX were busy as ever. By now Ms. Knight was long gone, almost two hours ago, having said her quiet farewells with worn eyes. We checked the bags in, not saying much while the senior behind the counter lurch our bags sluggishly onto the conveyor belt. Oddly enough, Carlos didn't over pack this time, considering when we first arrived to LA on plane, he had way too much beyond the weight limit of the luggage passengers can have. While I was paying the airline worker, Carlos went to fetch breakfast. People were coming and going, and multiple languages flew through the corridors, from French to Japanese to Russian and so on. The huge window panes were spotless of prints. But no fans stopped for either of us. For the first time in so long, I felt normal. No flashing lights. No screaming of our names. No Big Time Rush. Just me and Carlos, walking. Normal.

Gate N3, Flight 278 to Saint Paul, Minnesota. We stood at the gate, sipping coffee as we looked at the orange lit sign signaling our flight to be here at seven on Saturday, which is about half an hour from now. A part doesn't want to go. I wonder, am I a bad person for forgiving someone easily? So maybe Kendall didn't hurt me directly, but he did. The logical mind guides me to the path that wants to forget him, but my heart wants him. People say follow your heart, but I was also raised to follow my head.

I look back; I remember when Kendall forgave me for my mistakes, and for the times I've lashed out or taken someone else's side than his. I remember how he was there for me when I was struggling to keep Camille. I remember when I was there for him when things with Jo got rocky. And through all of that, maybe it's a sign we were meant to be. That we were meant to be there for one another, if I let him and when he lets me.

I wonder if love does that. If it makes you hold onto the wrong for a reason to ambiguous that it's hard to determine if it is right or wrong. What if I am not meant to leave but to go back to Kendall?

"You ready?"

I turned to Carlos, shaking my head. But I'm here anyways.

(Kendall's POV)

Something wasn't right. Flailing my arms around, I searched my bed, looking for the boy I was holding onto. Opening my eyes, Logan was gone. There was no dip in the bed, no second breath against my chest, and I can now see that Logan was gone. Bolting up from the bed, I yanked up a pair of boxers, finding small bruises on my chest to my stomach. Covering them up with an old shirt, I ran out the door. I scavenged the rooms, peaking in the bathrooms, and even James' room, only to find Carlos missing too. The apartment door slammed in the distance. I strode to find my mom yawn as she settled two bags of what appears to be breakfast on the table.

"Morning Kendall, why are you up early? It's almost six in the morning, on a Saturday."

"Where's Logan?"

She averted her eyes. My mom never averts her eyes unless…unless something has happened, something bad. I clenched my fist, breath trapped in my still cheeks as I gazed hard at her.

"Logan and Carlos were dropped off at the airport, they'll be going home for a little bit."

(James' POV)

-Dream-

I have no clue where I am or why the hell I'm wearing white. I don't even like wearing white; too innocent for someone fly like me. All I could see were huge window panes and the sound of jets soaring high into the crystal blue sky, leaving streams of spiraling clouds. I heard a ghost like whisper beckoning my name and turning, I found Carlos, wearing white as well. He stared at me and I stared back. A small gray duffel bag was slouching at his feet.

He looked defeated, as though he witnessed someone die before him. But this place, as it appears to be an airport, was too serene for some thought like that.

"I'm sorry James."

I nodded, feeling too confused to say anything. I watched as Carlos plucked the bag off the ground and sling it to his back as he walked away.

"I love you." The Latin boy murmured into the corridor, disappearing from my sight. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him to leave me here, alone. I dashed, going after him, but every step brought me one step ironically further away, as though he were stepping in miles instead of feet.

I screamed. I screamed for him to come back. I screamed, hearing my voice bounce uselessly against the wall. Everything around me blurred but I felt like I was going nowhere and now Carlos was gone.

-End of dream-

I woke up to see Kendall fully dressed and shaking my arm incessantly, a panic and terribly frightened look cursed on his usually confident face. Damn I'm too observant sometimes.

Why the hell is he bothering me? It's bad enough I had to deal with that horrible dream. It's bad enough that he fucked the love of my life. It's even worse now that I think about it, I'm too angry to even feel the hurt at the realization that I drove the one person I love out of my life for good. Fuck Kendall, fuck love, and fuck everything along with it. End of story.

Lying still as a corpse, I kept my eye lids closed, listening to him ramble into the air.

"James, please wake up, I'm begging you…"

Begging? That's a first. Kendall Knight, the hot blonde with too much pride and honor in his blood is begging my sleepy arm to wake up? Maybe it's a little more serious than I thought. Stirring, I got up, shooting an angry look at him.

"What?"

"We need to go to the airport, I need to see Logan, we gotta go."

"I'm not going?"

Kendall had cast one of the most appalled looks at me, his green eyes widened with sheer shock at my reply. Next thing I knew, he yanked me up by my shirt, flailing me as if I were some rag doll, wailing so loudly Ms. Knight and Katie were watching by the door way. I ripped his hands off of me, slamming Kendall to the carpet, punching him. Before Ms. Knight could even intervene, Kendall shot up slamming my jaw into the bed before slugging my gut. Crouching, I drove my fist into his eyes, a small crackle emitting from his nose when my fist collided.

"ENOUGH!"

The two of us turned to see Katie walk towards us, her foot brutally crushing Kendall's right leg and her left hand yanking my precious hair with the strength no twelve year old would normally posses. Gripping her brother's ear as though it were bike handle, Kendall and I both cried ow over and over until Katie towed us to the couch, with her mother tagging along with a bemused look.

Letting go, Katie spoke.

"I have had it! Up until now, I've been kicking it in the background, letting you guys do your thing. I saw all the drama, I'm not stupid, but my god, you four are BEST FRIENDS! How can you guys drive each other to this point? Kendall, if you loved Logan, you should have just told him! Not hide behind Jo and then go off doing the naughty with Carlos. And James! If you loved Carlos, you should have just told him from the very beginning, not drive him away. Do you think I'm some stupid little kid? I heard Kendall and Logan moaning all night and the yelling and screaming you and Carlos were making! Now get your head out of your butts and go to the airport or so help me I will get the press all over this! NOW!"

I glimpsed at Kendall who wore the same baffled look and I got up to go get dressed. As I shut the door, I heard Katie mutter something about needing Camille and Jo to teach her more kung fu.

(Carlos' POV)

Ten minutes. Kelly preferred that we fly first class, but I insisted we flying Economy, for the sake of staying low profile; things were already bad enough, we didn't need any more publicity on our drama. The line was long, full of families and business people alike, chattering. I guess that proves the world doesn't stop even when my own seems to be falling apart. Logan and I stood in the crowd, waiting for the line to go. We were last up, and they were calling for our tickets.

Stepping forward.

Fuck this shit.

Screw James. All I could hear in my head were his angry words. He doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't care about me anymore. His words said it all, right? He doesn't love me anymore. I just need to get out of this town.

"Carlos I can't go."

One step back.

"What, why?"

"Carlos, I… I just can't. This isn't right for me. I can't just leave him."

"But Logan! Don't you remember why we are leaving? To put this mess back together? We got screwed over! James screwed me over and Kendall hurt you by hurting me! We need to go."

"Carlos, I can't. I know things are so messed up right now. I know they are. But something tells me running away isn't going to fix this. Kendall did hurt us, and James did hurt you. They did. I can't go though. I need to face it. Maybe for you, distance might be good, it isn't for me though. You don't want to hear this, because you hate being alone and I get that, but I can't just run. They were running from us too, you know, just as much as we were running. And by running I mean avoiding the problems that are breaking the four of us apart."

No. No, no, no!

My eyes were stinging with tears, as though they were drenched in mace, and not even looking at Logan, I fled to the airplane, blindly handing over my ticket and ignoring others as I shoved my way to my seat. I feel like I've officially lost it all. I lost the person I looked up to when things went bad. I lost the person who guided me with logic and compassion. And most of all, I lost the person who loved me for me. The jets outside roared to life, and even when the strangers looked at me, and girls gasped with surprise, my mind faded away into the darkness of sadness. I wished everything would go back to how they be. I wish Kendall hadn't kissed me that one day, that Logan wouldn't hate me, that James would never had made me fall in love with him.

Yeah, that's right. I'm in love with James. James William Diamond. Looking back, at how he touches my heart and my hand, I just can't push this feeling away anymore. Not that it matters really. James doesn't want me anymore. If I'm not perceived (another one of Logan's words) as a whore to him, I'm definitely a bitch to him then. I treated him like an abused dog, beating him with my senseless words instead of my hands (well ok, maybe I did) and I can never take those actions and things back. The guilt is clawing at me. If he doesn't remember the way I treated him, I will. I hurt our friendship with punching him and harming him. I damaged our trust with the sex behind his back. I ruined what chances I had when I disregarded the fact that he loved me. That he was in love with me.

Cold, unwelcoming air whispered against my cheeks as I walked out of the airport. Dad was on his way to get me. By now, I've cleaned my face and composed myself so that I would look relatively normal. My dad was as cheerful as ever, hugging me with bear like strength, lifting me off the ground in a way like James did before blabbering away at how much mom and him have missed me.

"Carlos, ¿estás bien? Usted parece triste. Esto no es como tú."

"Estoy bien papá ... por favor no te preocupes."

"Hijo, yo tal vez antigua, pero no soy estúpido. Siempre me puede decir nada. Creo que."

Dad knew better than to push my limits; after all I never push his, but I knew he would not let this go. Knowing dad, when he wants to know something, he'll really investigate it.

Right now, though, I just need to let everything go for a bit and try and enjoy Minnesota while I still can.

(Logan's POV)

I hope he can understand. Holding back a tear, I trekked back to get my luggage and fetch a taxi.

(Kendall's POV)

We didn't make it.

Arriving at the airport, we didn't check the time, only to find the four of us an hour late. By now, the two must be nearly over Oklahoma or something. James and I sat on the orange couch, the room lifeless as thin strings of light poured in from the shades. We were late. Mom left us, saying she had to take Katie to another audition for some commercial. No words were exchanged between us. For three hours, the both of us had remained there, thinking so hard until it had reached the point where the silence was drilling into our eardrums.

"I'm sorry James."

I am sorry. I am sorry for using Carlos, for jeopardizing the stability of Big Time Rush, for everything.

James looked at me with stony eyes, those dark brown pupils not waving. But he scooted next to me and hugged me. This was the first me and him have actually hugged in a long time. I had no place to cry, but I felt James break against my shoulder as I patted his back.

"Ever since you and Carlos did stuff, I felt my heart break each day. I kept thinking that he'd fall in love with you. I did. And it was painful, because I love him. Logan even watched me try to be strong through it all. But it hurt every day. Because of it, our band was endangered, Logan isn't talking to anyone anymore and Carlos is just…gone."

James, who was confident and cocky, who was equally arrogant and stubborn as me, was also down on his knees with pain.

"James, do you want to know the truth behind why I did what I did with Carlos?"

I know this maybe the worst time to say what I plan on saying but what if this may also be the best time?

"James, I had sex with Carlos because I was weak. I was weak to admit to my feelings. Carlos, at the time, was no different than Jo was; a distraction. Carlos was a distraction to me. Because I did not want to believe that my feelings for Logan were true. That I was in love with him. I thought at the time, that having sex with Carlos would be a good distraction, because he got rid of my frustration, and that he was an escape. Eventually, it wore off. And reality came back, when I began to see exactly who I was hurting. I put you, Carlos and Logan in the worst pain and I can never take back my actions. I swear, when I see them again, I will make it up to them. I promise you that. And I promise to do whatever it is to make things right with you too."

James parted from me, and with honest eyes, smiled small and shyly, something not like him.

"Kendall, apologizing to me for what you did means a lot, but I think the real people you need to apologize to be Logan and Carlos. It'll take time, but I forgive you."

The two of us left the apartment, in need of a distraction. We fled the paparazzi that bombarded us with questions on the whereabouts of Carlos and Logan, and evaded Jo and Camille who were in equal concern. We went to the beach, and just opened up about everything.

About James loving Carlos.

About me loving Logan.

And for a moment, I felt my sanity returning just a little.

(Logan's POV)

Embracing him is one of the best experiences in the world, at least to what I have felt it is.

When I finally reached the Palm Woods, after getting trapped in traffic all day followed by the mob of journalist and photographers trying to gouge my eyes out with their recorders and cameras, I was able to knock on the apartment door. James opened it, and I ran past him after saying an awkward hello before staring at Kendall as he stared at me back while rising from the couch. Then he ran up and embraced me. I missed the touch of his. I missed the feeling his arms give me as they encircle my body, pulling me so close to his heart.

How something can be so wrong can be so right all at once? I guess that's what makes this situation clichéd, but does it matter? No.

I didn't want to cry, because I'm here for the one thing I believed was right. That was being here, being sheltered next to Kendall. Does it matter that I might be making the wrong decision? Does it matter that I want to be with the one person who has hurt me with their actions? Does it matter that I want to be held by the boy who could not tell me the truth? No.

We looked so hard into each other's eyes, and with my hand reaching up, I yanked him down into a kiss so hard, I could feel his heart racing into his ribcage. I didn't care if James was shocked by what I am doing; what mattered the most is the fact that I am right here, hugging the man that I love.

Parting ways, I turned back to find James staring at the doorway, his shoulders slouched with heartache for the missing Latino.

"James I-"

I didn't get a chance to finish as he ditched us for his bedroom. We let him be. We can't fathom the pain James could possibly be feeling right now.

Returning to my room, I organized my clothes back to where they belonged. Kendall watched with eyes so glued immaculate on me that it made me stop and blush a little. Finishing, Kendall got himself situated around me again, and I couldn't help but smile brilliantly at the warmth.

I realize now that, when you love someone, a true test of it is to see whether or not you can withstand their flaws; that if you love them, despite what they have done wrong, despite what they failed to do right, you would somehow find a way back to them. Thinking about it, Kendall isn't perfect. I love him regardless.

"I should have told you long ago instead of running from it Logie."

"I've missed you calling me that."

"Carlos didn't come with you?"

It was not my place to talk about the matter of Carlos' absence. He chose to go because he needed to go. His heart had set him in that direction, and who am I to stand in the way of that? Carlos is smarter than what most people give him credit for.

"He did what was necessary to heal. I was in no place to prevent that."

"The best thing we can do then is to cheer James up."

(Carlos' POV)

"Ahhh Carlos, estás en tu casa! He echado mucho de menos! ¿Cómo ha sido Los Ángeles a ti, querido?" Mamá greeted, placing pan of enchiladas down as she hugged me, her spice scented gloves patting me with endearment.

"LA ha sido bueno conmigo, pero necesito un descanso mamá. Puedo ver que usted está haciendo enchiladas! ¿Van a hacer pronto?" I eagerly asked, feeling my tummy rumble with joy at the scent of mom's homemade cooking. Home has not changed at all. The same furniture, the same smell of South American cooking, the same carpet with footprints of my childhood all over it.

Papá not once said a word to me since we got home. He knew something was bothering me, and he also knew I wasn't going to tell him easily.

Dinner went nicely and the three of us ate soundly in silence, enjoying each other. But they knew this was not normal. They knew I was always chatting. Hell, even I knew they were suspecting that something was very wrong.

"Cariño, ¿estás seguro de que está bien? Usted no se ha hablado tanto. Eso es inusual. ¿Qué pasó que te hizo querer volver a casa sin ni siquiera para hacernos saber de antemano?"

I gulped in silence, not sure of what to say next. I feel as though I have been caught in the head lights of a semi. I don't know what to say. Dropping my fork and watching it clatter against the plate was certainly not going to help me. Papá moved closer to me, eager for me to speak.

"Mamá, tengo una confesión que hacer. Llegué a casa porque estoy confundido acerca de mis sentimientos por James. Puede ser que sea en el amor con él. Pero metí la pata y lo hirió gravemente."

What I did not expect was my mother blushing madly before leaving the table. A door slam had echoed from upstairs as papá and I sat their quite quietly at the dinner table.

"Hijo, esto es sinceramente inesperado. Lamento que las cosas no se ven bien con James. No estoy enojado con usted para tener sentimientos por él, sin embargo, estaba anticipando por algún tiempo ahora esta realidad. Dale tiempo a tu madre. Siendo criado como católico, es difícil para ella adaptarse a este tipo de cosas."

"Pero papá, no hay más a él que apenas atornillar sobre James. Big Time Rush está a punto de caer en pedazos! Logan me odia, Kendall y yo éramos ex-compañeros de sexo y James ... nunca me perdonará. Pensé que las madres esperaban de sus hijos, papá."

"Eso es verdadero hijo. Pero usted debe hacer lo correcto. Kendall y son amigos, y también lo son usted y Logan y James. Cuando se siente bien, ir a hablar con ellos. Usted sabe que mi mejor amigo, oficial de Antonio Romano, ¿no? Él vino a mí hace algún tiempo. No tiene problema con los homosexuales, sólo quiero que seas feliz. Su madre puede necesitar algo de tiempo, así que por favor sea paciente."

I sat their dumbfounded as my dad collected our plates, whistling Big Night as he did the dishes like it was nothing, even after having watched his wife walk out on their only son.

(James' POV)

It is hard being here without Carlos.

It has been about two days since Carlos had departed for Minnesota and it has been hard. Gustavo called us to let us know that due to Carlos being absent, we have the next two or so weeks off. He didn't even sound like the same cocky self; our producer/manager pretty much had a defeated and tired tone that was far from what we were used to. I love Kendall and Logan, but right now I want to be left alone, and them insisting on watching Spongebob Squarepants with them was not being helpful.

Seeing their efforts were not working, the couple left with slouched shoulders as I remained in my room brooding.

The apartment was still. I just woke up from my sleep. The alarm clock read 11:23 pm, and not a sound was made throughout the apartment. Before coming to LA, I'd actually sleep in the nude, but since arriving, I've opted to sleeping in wife beaters and boxers. Slipping on some sweatpants, I silently exited 2J, heading to the elevator.

With sunglasses in hand, I left the Palm Woods, guising myself as I walked out into the streets of LA. This town was a shady place despite its surrealistic promises of fame, yet at night it was even more dubious. Hookers and pimps lingered around the streets with men of all origins coming around, getting women left and right while the lone women were sluggishly wobbling around the streets in a drunken daze, eyes widened by the flashing neon of the stores and bars. They dressed in clothes only my mother could afford, and I felt out of place.

Carlos was the only person who really motivated me to look nice when out in public. Sure, my mother too also insisted I look flawless in public, but without Carlos here, I don't see what is wrong looking like crap as I walked around Los Angeles. Men, women, boys and girls all around came up to flirt with me but my heart was not up for the attention. Especially since flirting and praising usually gives rise to my mood, but right now even their promiscuous maneuvers were failing me.

Heading into a bar, the bouncer didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was a minor, and walking on, the odor of sex and drugs wafted around me. I sat at the bar, ordering some Patron.

I just want to forget. Just let my mind wander off into the darkness of alcohol so that I can escape the horror of this reality because in truth, I miss him. Taking a sip, I saw a girl, about my age, drinking alone. Her hair was a lush onyx color, reaching down to her spine in wave lengths. Her lips were plump and glossed, reflecting in the light like rubies as she smiled at me. This vixen walked up to me, with a grin so notorious and ferocious, she looked like a Charlie's Angel. Seductive, selective, dangerous, it was what this girl was radiating off herself as she introduced herself to me as Connie. We chatted, and she ordered the second drink. But time was lost, and before I knew it, my head was spinning off its axis and she had to call a cab for us, with the same bizarre smile on her.

I wondered if she drugged me or something. Sitting in the cab, Connie inched herself close to me, and her lip slipped against my own. But this was not right. I did not want to kiss her, yet my lips thirsted for another smooch. My mind immediately thought of Carlos, and I couldn't help but feel my heart weaken.

I tore myself away in my drunken haze, and I yelled for this cab to stop. She left with a disgusted smirk but it didn't matter to me.

I just wanted to go home. But my home was not here. No, he is somewhere else.

He is far away as far can be.

Because my words drove him away when all he needed was for someone to hold him and make him understand what neither of us could comprehend.

I miss Carlos, and parts of me on the inside feel like it cannot be doing this anymore.

(Carlos' POV)

"Carlos –"

"Papá, no more Spanish please. I am upset right now."

It's been about five days, eight hours, 25 minutes and 56 seconds since mamá has last spoken to me. She has not once said a word to me because I am confused about my sexuality and the fact that I might be in love with James. She has done nearly everything in her power to avoid me! Taking overtime at work, working the weekends, no longer cooking dinner, and it is both saddening and annoying me greatly.

"Son, you know as well as I know that your mom is having a hard time adjusting to this. Her Catholic faith is what is holding her back."

"But papá, she is my mother! No matter what, she should always love me!"

"Son, you are right. But remember, not all people are perfect. People make mistakes. And this is your mother's mistake; not accepting you for you."

I disregarded that previous part because the one thing my dad said had struck me the most; that people do make mistakes. James didn't make any mistakes, he was not at fault for what my heart could not control. And a part of me wanted to make him at fault for that.

I love James. I don't know how so, but that's all I know.

Oh my goodness. The end of part one. Well thanks for reading this! Critic and Review please!

Chrissy C: