The Rulebook for the Zero Teams by GlassSuicune
Note: I don't own Stargate SG-1 or Stargate Atlantis, okay? Jordana, Kari, Altair, Abby, Cepheus, and Osiris belong to me. I also own the Luna race. I've seen a lot of stories like this, and decided to have a go at it. If I copied anyone else's, it wasn't intentional. However, there are at least two 'classic' jokes in here that I felt need to be on every 'Things not to do list'. On with the show!
Both Stargate Command and Atlantis had a team whose number was 0. The reasoning behind this remains unclear, though many suspect it's because these teams' members were...different, and kinda zero-ish... They generally were used for the relatively 'safe' missions and used as a last resort on more dangerous missions.
SG-0 consisted of an actual Ancient named Jordana who had no wisdom to give, a dysfunctional Human Form Replicator named Kari, and Altair, a rather cranky member of a humanoid race called the Luna. Atlantis-0 consisted of a twelve-year-old Wraith named Abby Appleseed who was obsessed with apples, a crazy Asgard named Cepheus, and a paranoid Jaffa named Osiris.
Now, both SG-0 and Atlantis-0 were responsible for some of the craziest capers, both off-world and on the home-world. Naturally, the IOA found their behavior unacceptable, and both Jordana and Abby woke up one morning and noticed a message had been sent to their computers. It was titled 'The Rulebook for the Zero Teams'. Both captains read the following rules:
1: Do not randomly place fruit in the labs.
Why Abby and Cepheus thought it would be funny to jam all kinds of citrus fruit into McKay's lab was a mystery. Why Jordana and Kari found it worth repeating was another situation entirely.
2: No clowns or Volkswagens allowed in SGC or Atlantis.
SG-0 and Atlantis-0 had teamed up, built a makeshift Volkswagen, dressed as clowns, and drove around Atlantis chasing Colonel Sheppard ( who was afraid of clowns). When Atlantis-0 was to come to Earth months later for an examination from the IOA, they repeated the display, chasing a rather ticked off President of the United States.
3: Or ANYWHERE for that matter.
Abby had brought a loophole to Jordana's attention. The Volkswagen invaded Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, and the IOA had one heck of a time coming up with a cover-up story explaining the aliens on board the car. Apparently, Abby, Cepheus, and Altair stood out. A lot.
4: No hanging from the ceilings and landing on top of people.
Abby had figured out how to hang from the ceiling. So, she started launching herself onto any random passerby who walked under her, screaming, 'Gotcha!' in an attempt to scare them. Unfortunately for her, one of them turned out to be Ronon. The result was not pretty.
5: Do NOT sneak around an enemy ship humming the 'Mission: Impossible' theme.
Jordana was the one who started this. Everyone else on both teams began doing it as well. It was annoying, and gave away their position way too often.
6: Do not allow Cepheus and Hermie to make eye-contact.
The Daedalus had come to Atlantis shortly after Atlantis-0 was formed and thought Hermie should meet the only other known Asgard in Pegasus. Little did they know that Hermie despised Cepheus, and would jump at any chance to take him out. So naturally they were surprised when Hermie was chasing Cepheus around the ship carrying a baseball bat, while Ceph screamed like a little girl.
7: Do not let Kari wander around an enemy ship on her own with a bazooka.
The green-haired Replicator had proven to have a terrible sense of direction, and was dangerous with a bazooka. And not in the good way. Her aim was terrible and she fried many vital systems. While that helps in taking out an enemy ship, it doesn't help if you're trying to escape it in one piece.
8: No food fights in the mess halls of both SGC and Atlantis.
Jordana and Abby had decided to continue the Ancient versus Wraith war, Earth kid style. General Hammond was equally as mad as Richard Woolsey was. Both Jordana and Abby denied ever starting the lunch-line showdowns. They even defended themselves by saying 'If it's not a mess, why call it a mess hall?'
9: Or in ANY mess hall.
Abby, ever the observant one.
10: Do not allow Altair to bring food utensils off-world with him.
Altair had grown tired of having to eat with his fur-covered hands or whatever utensils the natives of a planet gave him to use, so he brought some silverware with him to one planet which apparently saw the spoon as a sacred object that should not be misused in such a way. Needless to say, Earth was banned from having contact with that planet again.
11: Don't threaten to sell unruly kids to a circus; it's not nice.
Altair had threatened to do just that if these Jaffa children wouldn't listen to him. They were scared for life. Thing is, deep down Altair wasn't really going to follow through with his threat. But it was bad enough.
12: No playing music over the intercom between 10:00 pm and 8:00 am.
Atlantis-0 was bored out of their minds at 1:00 am. So they decided to blast everyone's ears out with Metallica's 'Orion' over the intercom with the volume set to maximum. They kept on doing this same thing every night/morning at different times, until Woolsey decided it would end. Sadly, SG-0 carried on the loud tradition.
13: Wraiths are not Christmas trees.
One not-so-fine morning, Abby walked into the mess hall tangled in Christmas lights, popcorn string, and other decorations you wrap a tree in. Everyone else found it funny; Abby did not. Hours later Cepheus and Osiris had been found cocooned and hanging over a balcony which hung over the ocean. Abby denied any responsibility for it.
14: Do not bring fireworks off-world.
Kari was now responsible for a tribe of Jaffa creating a mark with a fireworks emblem. Osiris was responsible for the Genii finding another kind of explosive for their bomb which they could invade Atlantis over.
15: When gating back to base with monsters after you, always shut the gate down once you've cleared.
Atlantis-0 had been attacked by a T-Rex, ran through the Stargate, and forgot to to shut it down, thus causing the Godzilla monster's tail to be jammed into the gate on the other planet. Once the Stargates shut themselves down, there was now a T-Rex on that planet missing its tail.
16: When flying a Jumper, it's not a good idea to perform a hot dog roll.
Abby was bored. Cepheus found her piloting skills amusing. Osiris, on the other hand...
17: Just because it's called a Dart, doesn't mean it's an actual dart.
Abby had deliberately jammed a Dart which she hijacked into the main power source of its respective Hive, screaming, 'Bullseye!' when she made contact, then proceeded to hijack more Darts to perform the deed again. Cepheus had done the same thing, only the jamming part was accidental. And Osiris had the Daedalus beam him out of the Dart he took when he realized it was on a collision course. Any way you slice it, the Hive ship now looked like a dartboard.
18: Don't let Altair hijack any enemy vessel.
The cranky, battle-savvy Luna had hijacked a Goa'uld ship, had it go on a collision course, beamed himself out of the ship, thus destroying all three enemy ships and half of a nearby planet. It was uninhabited, thankfully. But no taking chances.
19: Fly your spacecraft safely and sanely.
Abby was too much of a daredevil, Cepheus crashed too often, Altair only used spacecraft as weapons, Kari was notorious for flying in circles, Osiris couldn't even steer properly, and Jordana apparently didn't believe in conserving energy.
20: No launching flying hamsters with pies strapped to them at the IOA agents to get revenge.
Jordana had the motive; Abby had the creativity. Both General Hammond and Woolsey wondered why the only time Jordana and Abby would cooperate was to pull off pranks of this degree.
21: Do NOT dress up as ninjas and attack people with fruit.
Jordana, Kari, Abby, and Cepheus were now known as the 'Fruit Ninjas'.
22: Do NOT plant an apple tree grove in a spaceship.
Abby had a green thumb, both literal and metaphorical.
23: Intervention isn't allowed under ANY circumstances.
Jordana didn't want to even fathom the logic behind this one.
24: Spatulas are NOT world-conquering weapons.
Kari sure seemed to think so. It was for that reason that she collected them and hid them in a vault, so no evil-doer could get their hands on them.
25: If you absolutely MUST hide spatulas in a vault, at least have the password memorized.
Kari had erased the password from her internal memory. Her logic: "If I'm captured, the bad guys will never know the password! Ha!"
26: When fighting the Wraith, think about what you're doing.
Cepheus had charged towards the three Drones, carrying a vacuum cleaner, and screaming, "FREEDOM TO PEGASUS!!!" Abby and Osiris had to get Atlantis-1's help to rescue him from the Hive ship.
27: Turn off Kari's curiosity chip.
Kari had asked Jordana a rather interesting question: "If the Goa'uld were to attack Earth, would Superman destroy them?"
28: Wraiths and Asgards are no longer allowed to consume high levels of sugar.
Abby and Cepheus were even crazier on a sugar-high. Major Lorne was still recovering from the balloon incident.
29: Do NOT show canon characters ANY type of fanfiction.
Jordana had forced Dr. Jackson to read through ten whole stories where he got turned into a kid and General O'Neill was his guardian. It had caused Daniel severe brain damage.
30: Breaking the fourth wall is not allowed.
Kari and Osiris were notorious for bringing the readers and writers' existence to light.
Both Jordana and Abby had shown their respective teams the rulebook. SG-0 and Atlantis-0 were unknowingly all in agreement: This list must be destroyed.
Note: I decided to stop at thirty, 'cause I ran out of ideas. If anyone has any ideas, you're welcome to share them and I might use them. Just know this, I want this to be a clean humour story, so I won't use anything inappropriately labeled 'adult'. Or to put it more bluntly; nothin' dirty. Oh, and to anyone who's wondering, SG-0 and Atlantis-0 are in their respective galaxies. Also, for those who want to know what a Luna looks like: Think of a humanoid version of the Pokemon Absol, and you're pretty close.