This was written by Lumosify and a friend of ours, whom we shall call Miss Midget, that does not have her own account. This is a crack!fic and its purpose is to make you laugh, not to make you stew in anger or self-pity or both. None of this was intended as discriminatory, nor do we believe there is anything discriminatory in this story. And just for good measure, why don't I just add that we don't own the characters or the settings, that belongs to both J.K. Rowling and the world? That's a fact. Unless the world doesn't own itself...then who does? Some thoughts to stimulate your deprived, crack!fic-craving little brains. Enjoy.
Chapter One - The British Harry Soldier
Harry wanted to save the world, but he walked out of a Hogwarts window.
Dumbledore stroked his beard as he watched Harry fall.
"Maybe it SHOULD be a proverb," he said thoughtfully as he watched. "To save the world, sometimes you must walk out of a Hogwarts window." As he pondered about this question, he walked to Professor Snape's room to ask about his proverb.
Meanwhile Harry had fallen near the Whomping Willow. He was traumatized. As he attempted to fight the tree, Hermione found him. She freed Harry with a single spell. Harry thanked her and ran away.
Hermione huffed at his ungratefulness and went to cry to the Hogwarts library books. They were the only ones that understood her.
Meanwhile, in Snape's Office...
"Isn't it wonderful!" Dumbledore threw fifty lemon drops into his mouth.
"Yes, very enlightening," Snape said. He didn't really care, but he wanted Dumbledore out of his office so he could continue brewing the highly volatile and poisonous potion in his locked and warded brewing room.
As Snape hoped and prayed that the Headmaster would just get out, Dumbledore said, "Snape, I trust you and you're my best friend, so let's have a sleepover in your locked and warded brewing room!"
Snape hesitated. Dumbledore waited for an answer, while giving his answer-me stare. Snape agreed and immediately went to hide his potion. Dumbledore was happy and went to find Momo, his teddy bear.
Hermione was still crying into a book (50 Shades of Grey) and Snape was freaking out and hiding stuff in all sorts of places. Harry was on a quest to find Voldemort and Voldemort was playing dollies with his pet snake.
"I'm in LOVE with you, Lucius," Voldemort said in a squeaky voice, holding up Severus Snape's doll.
"I'm in LOVE with you too, Severus!" He picked up Lucius's doll and made it stand next to the Snape doll. "Now, let's kiss! Mwa, mwa, mwa, mwamwamwa..."
Nagini felt the Coriolis Effect. Nagini is good at feeling the movement of the Earth, a.k.a. the apparent deflection of air to the right in the Northern Hemisphere due to the rotation of the Earth. Nagini is very smart. Nagini is the Science Professor at Snake Hogwarts. Nagaini had just given a lecture in the Lecture Hall about the Hadley Cell. The students didn't even know what a doldrum was. At the end of the lecture, Nagini had eaten have the students for asking what Horse Latitudes were. Nagini likes thinking about Nagini in the third person. Nagini even speaks about Nagini in the third person.
Nagini smelled footsteps, so Nagini went to investigate. The footsteps smelled like that kid Nagini's master kept chasing all the time.
This was boy Harry. But Nagini didn't know that. Boy Harry had no idea how he ended up in this random jungle. One minute he was cooking breakfast for the Dursleys, and the next minute he was surrounded by trees. Since boy Harry was stupid, he shrugged and started making a jungle breakfast for the Dursleys.
Harry, the older one, pulled back a branch and swiped sweat off of his forehead. This was the last place Voldemort had been seen. He'd probably left, but this Harry has years of Voldexperience, so he's not stupid concerning Voldemort. Anyway, Voldemort probably left something behind, like his pet snake or something. (coughcoughHINTcoughcough)
Voldemort had just reached his beach house in Hawaii. But then he realized his dolls were still in London. Immediately he took his broomstick, a pack of cookies, and a juice box and headed towards London.
Dumbledore also baked cookies, and packed juice boxes eagerly for his sleepover with Snape. Snape frantically threw the illegal and deadly potion out the window.
Back in the random jungle, boy Harry and Harry heard hissing. Except it wasn't hissing, it was words.
"You stink!" the hissing said.
"Hey!" Both Harrys said. They heard each other and started walking towards each other.
"Who are you?" they asked at the same time.
"I'm Harry," they said.
"Okay," they said.
"Want to help me destroy Voldemort?" Harry asked. Boy Harry said yes, so they went to follow the sound of the hissing to get revenge and see if maybe the hissing came from Voldemort's pet snake (coughHINTcough) or something Voldy-ish.
They were surprised to learn that the hissing was indeed from Nagini, Voldemort's pet snake. But they realized Nagini wasn't hissing at them but at Voldemort. Nagini was sad that Voldemort left her, came back, took the dolls and then left again.
So Harry and boy Harry consoled the poor snake. Nagini, seeking revenge, joined the Harrys and set out to destroy Voldemort.
"You see, Nagini's old master has Horcruxes," Nagini told them.
"What?" both Harrys asked.
"Horcruxes. They don't teach you that in school?! First they take out Science class, then this...a Horcrux is a piece of the soul. Nagini's old master made nine. I know what they are, follow me.
"The nine are the Pineapple of Hogwarts, the Hairpin of Lucius Malfoy, the Breadstick of Hufflepuff, the Fire Hydrant of Gryffindor, the Desk of Ravenclaw, the Promethean Board of Slytherin, and I forget the last three, let's go."
"How are we going to find them?" asked boy Harry. Clearly he wasn't given enough credit for his genius.
"Oh...don't worry, since I USED to be Voldemort's loyal pet, he told me everything!"
Meanwhile, Dumbledore had arrived to Snape's room with freshy baked cookies. There he saw Snape lying on his sleeping bag reading Teen Girl magazine. Once Snape saw Dumbledore, he hid the magazine quickly and unwillingly greeted Dumbledore. They talked about their childhood as they ate cookies.
"My father was an alcoholic. And he abused my mother and I."
"I neglected my sister and brother when they needed me most!" Dumbledore cheerfully shouted, throwing five bowls of lemon drops into his mouth.
"Well, I make illegal potions." Snape said, looking offended.
"I have an addiction to lemon drops!"
"Sometimes I wonder if I should become a Death Eater again. Then I remember the Dark Lord's dolls." Snape shuddered. "Never again."
"Sometimes, I make Harry Potter do stuff for me! Like the Philosopher's Stone!" Dumbledore grinned. "That was so fun. Not only that, but I literally planned entire school years out for him. It's all part of my big masterplan."
"A masterplan?" Snape leaned forward. "This sounds more interesting than Teen Girl magazines!"
"Yes," Dumbledore nodded his head solemnly, stuffing his mouth with lemon drops. "Say, do you have gorilla milk? The story sounds better with gorilla milk."
Snape gave him some gorilla milk and prayed that it would choke the Headmaster. It didn't.
"So you see," Dumbledore whispered after taking a swig of the gorilla milk. "After Voldemort stole my fake beard on my seventh birthday after he stole Ms. Granger's time turner in Harry Potter's third year and went back in time using some Dark Magic - "
"Get on with it," Snape drawled like his godson, Draco Malfoy. "Or else I'll got back to reading my magazines."
"Okay, okay," Dumbledore rolled his eyes. "So I managed to make him forget about his pet snake - memory charm in the middle of the night while he was asleep - and I rigged Ms. Granger's time turner to go to the past for as long as possible. It will come back to the present in about twenty-four hours - from the time I rigged it, of course - but it will appear somewhere near the last place Voldemort visited before the time turner went back in time."
"That would be the random jungle, I presume," Snape interrupted. "My Dark Mark is telling me that it went back in time in the Dark Lord's new vacation home - in Hawaii," Snape said with disdain. "The Dark Lord made sure he packed the time turner, only minutes before he left for Hawaii, so he will not suspect it is in the random jungle."
"Precisely," Dumbledore nodded, pretending he already knew that. "So Nagini will find Harry Potter in the random jungle, they will band together, and then together they will destroy the Horcruxes. Nagini will take care of getting rid of the Horcrux in Harry and herself, we had a Teacher-Teacher Conference about that."
"Then we have nothing to worry about, except for keeping the Dark Lord distracted," Snape said, leaning back on his sleeping bag.
"Nonsense! Tonight, we simply party-crash. We can go to this little Muggle girl's birthday party. I heard she's going to have three cakes! Oh, and she has a stash of Teen Girl magazines!"
"I suppose I am 'in'." Snape said, leaping up. "Er, but not for the Teen Girl magazines, certainly not."